cats, caffeine, & sweatpants

it’s been a while since i updated and tonight is truly a perfect night. it’s been raining all through the day and i stayed home today as humidity & my lungs are not friends and yesterday when my chest tightened, i knew i probably should stay home, sure enough this morning when i woke up, i started wheezing. so i stayed and watched rain pour down. i kept my window slightly open, letting the sounds of pittering rain, rumbling thunder, and the occasional rush of tires on the wet street into my room to tickle my ears. i wish i had a window seat with lots of pillows that i could sit on and drink tea and read books and watch the rain, but lounging in sweatpants, surrounded by cats and drinking coffee is also wonderful. most of the evening i was sitting hunched over an open notebook, scrawling furiously (messily), losing my mind to research, and surrounded by my kids sleeping around me, my eyes getting distracted, bouncing back and forth between the small, luminous reading light and the ever-so-frequent flash of lightning. eerie music that is somehow soothing plays as background sensory intake. a dark, lonesome, fulfilling night. life is cool sometimes.

oh my lil peanut is at a wild life sanctuary as i soon realized if i were to keep her alive i have to feed her like every hour on the hour as she eats like a bird (#sidelook) and as much as i would like to keep her, it’s a fulltime job. on the top of it, couple of my boy cats started showing symptoms of urinary tract infection, which is quite dangerous for boy cats as their urethra is so narrow, & they could get blocked just like that and so i really needed to pay attention. so i drove her down to the wild life center and gave her up and luckily for her they also have other fledglings as a family so, i’m sure she is in good hands.

the first or second week of june i came down with flu which was not fun at all as i had respiratory distress and grumblingly i took another course of prednisone which makes me ravenous and pads on more fat. it’s kind of losing battle at this point i think, and i should just give up and eat all the goddamn pastries and become 400 pounds and die…. but then again, if i die, who would care for my kids ? it’s a catch-22 situation.

anyway, so there i was, full of flu and prednisone, feeling sorry for myself, when i was invited to speak on alzheimer’s to a bunch of young adults and it was like a life line. i felt so goddamn good as there is nothing in the entire world which makes me happy as when someone recognizes my intelligence !

so as the day is fast approaching, (july 16) i am working on my talk. before my life took a plunge into the abyss, i was enrolled in doctoral program working on alzheimer’s and if things worked out the way i planned, i would have finished my phd and either would have been working for academia or would have worked on starting my own company with the help of some investors.

anyway, i am super excited to use my brains for this talk and am grateful for this opportunity, a few changes are about to come in to my life, but this is cool.

to add to the list of men i am dating, now am dating a frenchie (from vienna) as well and not a true frenchie but oh well… close enough ! so my social life is quite full but my sex life is at a halt which is really sad as i really need to get fucked thoroughly ! my boy sandalwood (we are now at an impasse for reasons) is ready to “sacrifice his morals” (his words) and is willing to service me sexually. i may take up on his offer, but i’m currently distracted with other things and i’m not yet quite desperate for a fuck.

what a change a year makes ! last year at this time, i was in a different house which was not well regulated weatherwise and when weather is the way it is right now, like super humid, we felt it as the house was drafty and it didn’t make any difference even when the air conditioner was running. i am thankful to god for his blessings and giving us this.  my cats assumed the breadbox position (it’s a bit chilly) as the thermostat stays at 65 because of humidity.

over the july fourth weekend (also known as independence day) i partied hard and why not ? been to a friend’s wedding and hiked (panting heavily because of humidity and taking multiple doses of albuterol) – frenchie and i went to lake and paddled about a bit, and sun bathed topless and my boobs are now sunburnt; while we were having lunch, he was like, may be next time, we should fish. and i went, have you met me ? and oh i had to add eggs into my diet as on july 2nd i almost fainted and stayed dizzy for most of the day which i associated with not getting enough iron, hence no oxygen (i’m already asthmatic & anemic). i probably have to get some iron supplements but eggs are handy for now.

the coop girls and i have a special bond. and i was chatting with the indian one and as i mentioned before, i have a special bond with that girl because we think alike and i feel like she is my daughter. she was adopted. when you are growing up in india, there are things which we as girls do and even though i was never keen on makeup & clothes in fashion sense, but peer pressure has some say in my life, like i was pushed into beauty contests (i went to all girls school) even though i didn’t sign up for them and winning and teasing boys of some company from my classroom window (not very proud of these things) and etc. but i religiously did somethings like self care with indian traditional beauty regimen and natural ingredients. i stopped doing that after my husband’s passing. so she was asking about something and i stated teaching her various face masks and about skin care and i am so happy to pass my knowledge to her (as i would to my daughter) and i told her she needs to do a beauty regimen starting now if she wants to look like she is in her twenties even when she was 5000 years old and also to never ever get into sun. ever ! lol talking to her about all these things is actually giving me motivation to shed my blues and start to take care of myself.

i find the quickest way to happiness is self-acceptance, self-reflection and self-care because the second you become honest with yourself about yourself, you’re open to change and the ability to adapt, in my opinion, is the best way to have this consistent source of happiness enter my life

yes, i still have problems with maintaining happiness, and there are days (even now) i just want to end it or get back to self harming. but i am aware that happiness is still there blinking away like a spark. maintaining hope if the key and once you become hopeless, we are done. being hopeful keeps us going, and if you want to see things through, if you really want to see a smile on your face, keep going

love, the kind you don’t have left for myself, because i have spent so many years giving it all away; have you ever played any zelda type games? you have to use your sword to break vases or to cut the grass for hearts to restore your health. good health requires work. if you really want to improve, you need patience. everything takes time and this is the mantra we should remember,

i don’t care if we have to wake up every single day for the rest of our lives and just stare into the mirror and sigh a small i love you, it’ll work. it’s better than making ourselves feel miserable for something that we did three years ago. we are the same anymore. i’ve changed, you’ve changed. i’ve grown from whatever it was that held me back for so long.  keep telling myself, don’t give your past another inch of your future. control that shit. happiness awaits.

peanut – day 2

i slept uneasily last night as i was worried for this little one and so when i finally got out of my bed this morning i made a beeline to my peanut. she had a nice bowel movement and so i changed her bedding and fed her with some banana, cat food and gave her some milk. (she does open eyes but here in the photos she is in food coma)

i’m pleased with myself because she is ok – when i was at work i thought of her, wondering how i can give multiple feedings during the days i go to work. should i bring her to work in a box and keep her in my desk and feed her every couple of hours ? bring her into the nursing station and change her bedding ? lol oh the possibilities !

when i got home and again i made a beeline to her and lo and behold, when i opened the closet door, i can hear her chirping and squeaking…. i got her out and changed her bedding and gave a sumptuous food made of cat food, banana and she did eat very heartily ! she opened her little beak to ask for more and we both are learning to do this. i got some eggs while coming home, and now i am hard boiling them so i can feed her some yolk.

now that it’s weekend, i should be able to care for her with more feedings. i also need to find a safe place both from my cats and the cool air as even though they are warm blooded, she still have no feathers and the temp in my house is below 65 to ward off humidity. i need her to have a bit of sunlight and not cooped up in a dark closet.

au revoir

peatnut’s mumther

2019/06/21

peanut

say hello to little peanut, my latest rescue ! also categorize this under stupid things i do. i took off from work early as i got an alert that there would be flash flood. it’s been raining cats & dogs lately and the ground is so saturated and ripe for floods.

anyway, there i was got off the train & almost squished this little one. i think it’s a baby robin, and it was raining, so i picked her up, trying to find the mum. the parent birds were circling & i wasn’t sure where i should leave this one. and after carrying this little one for a whole half hour and i tried to put the bird in her nest. but i am short in height & so when i tried to use to a stick to place the baby, she fell again and was unconscious. my heart broke into a million pieces, and so i revived the bird and decided that she probably has better chances with me and she probably won’t survive if i leave it out.

i got into my car with the bird and cried a lot and prayed and asked god to watch over this one as a favor for me.

i made her a little nest and put her in a box and the box in a closet. i fed her a bit of cat food and i probably will give her more feedings of bananas & more cat food till i go to sleep. tomorrow i will buy her some eggs as well.

so now i’m a mumther for this lil peanut as well and hopefully i will post more updates on her well being.  #raising a chick in a house full of cats

2019/06/20

june

so i am watching my boys les warriors play their 5th game, with their backs firmly against the wall as if they lose this game, they would lose the championship and i’m literally sick to my stomach also because i came down with flu. kevin durant finally made an appearance this night and i’m wishing my boys a victory and i won’t be all that torn up if raptors take this championship as they deserve it and also because they are from my husband’s home town team.

saturday night i went out with this bloke for a star gazing event. during summer months, some parks have star gazing events where you go to a lake after sundown and have a picnic; we have just had such a french evening. it started with an apéro (beer (he drank), pretzel, vegetables), then dinner with wine (all alcohol is him), baguette and cheese (i cheated and ate cheese), more wine, liquor and finally coffee. it was a lot of fun with my friend. en plus, c’était nuit étoilée !! justement parfait 🙂 j’espère qu’on aura encore plus de soirée comme ça ! and as our weather has been a bipolar bitch lately, it was cooler during the night and we stayed out till 1 am and hence i got the flu.

i woke up as usual and fed my kids and took my shower and came out and i felt really woozy and after debating with myself for a moment, i told myself fuck it and stayed home and cancelled my meetings etc.

over the weekend, i watched a couple of movies and one of them was one hundred foot journey because i wanted to feel something, and this got the job done. if you haven’t already, go and see the hundred foot journey, its simply delightful and i guarantee it will make you smile even on a crappy day.

i was laughing so hard as papaji reminded me so much of my mum especially when he was bargaining and this is so typical of indian people and i went through this phase where my mum would embarrass us in the market. but this is just not my mum, every one in india is expected to have a little bargaining skills. mumma would cut the price down to half no matter what the price may be and i would stand there horrified.

also rewatched kon tiki as well because i forgot most of the movie.

i also watched the straw dogs (2011) movie and this actor alexander skarsgard (who was a villain in this movie) reminded me of the american boy but he is much sexier.

along with this i watched a couple of more movies (a german and english) and they all have rape themes and what’s more irritating was the fact the women don’t speak out ! this is mainly perpetuated by women that too smart and educated women, who like to dress up so as to please men and are fucking needy to get noticed by men. what the fuck women ? my boss also mentions this to me and she says her boyfriend thinks she is fat and in my head i would be thinking don’t tell me shit like this because in a minute i will unleash my feminist rant and tell you to ditch any man who is so fucking shallow ! but i learned to shut my mouth because like many other women, she chose to stay in this relationship & i would be wasting my fucking breath by telling her otherwise ! and thank the fuck the men who i attract aren’t shallow and don’t get me wrong, i would like to be skinny healthy but i wouldn’t do it for a man. because any man who does this stunt on me gets my wrath as this fucking annoys me to no end and i will cut any man down to his size if he tries this shit on me because he is a man. i like intelligence and men who are intelligent gets my respect.

speaking of intelligent men, someone printed a meme where warriors logo was a handicapped sign because most of the warrior players are down with injuries and left it for me on my chair. at my work i am the lone wolf marching to her own band as i am an admirer or patriorts and warriors and every one else are for philadelphia teams who are mainly losers. so everytime one of my teams loses a game, i get these little memes printed and left on my chair and i thought its either my friend tom, or another colleague mike or tim as these are the people i regularly square off. but no one owned up and i decided it must be tim just because of the cleverness of it.

tim is also very funny and he cracks me up as he recently started opening up and confession he is my favorite person because he is not only intelligent but so very humble and i simply respect him & he is like a breath of fresh air.

i recently started growing an indoor lake (in a small glass bowl) as i love lakes and i prefer them to beaches and so i decided to own one. once i fully grow one i will post a photo. it is an interesting hobby. and also i will have a little koi pond once i buy a house. speaking of koi, if you haven’t watched the movie “salmon fishing in yemen” you must ! that movie was gloriously funny !

i bid you au revoir as i go and finish watching the game (durant injured, again and out) and hopefully witness my boys victory. i am stuffy nose and sore throat; troll who stay in bed until late in the evening and trying to sleep away the sickness that wreaks havoc in my body. i share tea and not disgusted by the germs i share, already infested. i play on my phone and i read until i fall asleep; the most unattractive kind… tissues in nose, mouth wide open, hair a mess. i wake hungry with no motivation to cook anything so i wait. we wait together.

simpler times

IMG_0761

hey, you lovely people of the internet, i thought i’d like to post a lil life update, because i’m just very content these days

firstly a lil shout out to my hair which transforms itself into a 40s or 50s do & no, i didn’t do this on purpose as trying to achieve this do on purpose never works.

due to personal reasons, as in lack of motivation and more interesting distractions, i haven’t been very active lately and all through the month of may i walked around with my edges curled with insurmountable sadness.

apart from that, i’ve been going out a lot lately. i started dating some new people, which is becoming more and more time consuming but i’m also very happy at the moment. lots of dreamy, surreal nights, and tonight, as we had free ice cream for dinner at a new bar in my neighbourhood, it finally started to feel like summer 🌼

i kind of realized that i’m not giving myself a chance at happiness and so new people (age is no more relevant) if they can hold my attention by conversing with me intelligently and if they want to go out for a dinner or coffee, i’m saying yes. but as i’m not seriously looking for a mate, i’m having a ball & have rules for the blokes…ie have to be an active christian and a sabbath keeper. as coelo puts it, i closed some doors not because of pride, incapacity, or arrogance but simply because they lead me nowhere

italian and i raced our cars recently on memorial day weekend and it was super fun ! thinking of finally getting my passport done so i can get away for a weekend or two and also as my dates are offering to fly me out here or there and oh why not as long as i get back before my kids start missing me – but i don’t think i would do any of that fun traveling at least this year tho.

but before any of that, i’m so looking forward to a camping trip in june ! i can’t wait to go back and trek on appalachian mountains ! there’s nothing more dreamy than camping and dancing (it would just be me) and getting wild in the nature together with my church folks.

my boys warriors have over come all kinds of odds and are crowned as the western conference champs and are sitting pretty and though i am pleased that raptors are in finals and tho they have parallels with warriors, i still think my boys will prevail and take the championship with steph curry as mvp… durant is still out. all in all it should be a great basketball event and i still would love it even if warriors lose (think positive thoughts, think positive thoughts).

i recently started reading arundhati roy’s “the god of small things” and gosh this book tho ! i am totally speechless and my eyes are misting with happy memories when i read through the book especially those parts which evoke memories of my childhood (as the book is set in india). but this book itself is sad. as it’s my habit, whenever i love something, i tend to savor it slower than i want to and thus extend my pleasure and so i would read a lot of pages in a bit and then i force myself to not touch the books and then i ruminate on the passages which i just read through. i keep wondering how long did it take her to write this book as each and every sentence is packed with meaning.

i watched a great amazon series “fleabag” – it’s about badass women like me who have gone through a lot and have hard time doing anything other than exactly what they want to do !!

my vegan diet has ups and downs – up as i am making an effort to cook and eat healthy and down because somedays i just don’t have motivation and i find myself eating goddamn french fries. oh i got myself a case of mangoes and the smell of the mangoes !! it’s something else, i keep getting transported back to my childhood days of eating indian mangoes (these are mexican) pregnant with sweet nectar and enchanted smells… the hot summers in india… the dry dusty roads, sleepy afternoons, the sugar cane man who comes in the afternoons, the big ass blue bottle flies attracted to the rotting fruits, and me up a mango tree with a book and a cat ! am i getting old and nostalgic ? perhaps…

so i fitted another puzzle piece to my asthma… i figured my breathing if shallow and off as, a while ago i had panic attacks and dreaded breathing, and this rendered my diaphragm weak and nonfunctional. i started working on my chest and diaphragm during my free times, or whenever i get a chance, i started to work on my breathing and on strengthening my diaphragm.

i guess all that pollen & humidity and so i gave in a took a course of steroids – while i was on steroids, (oral), i’m almost panicky because i know that bloating & weight comes back – and one of those days, here i was having that inner battle with myself when american boy came bouncing to my desk demanding why i scheduled a particular meeting when he will be away in july – i was almost saintly even though i really wanted to slap him back into his place. but i decided i will be an adult & dealt with him while grinding my teeth.

train journey now-a-days is painful as it’s getting hotter and the train cars are fewer and we are all getting packed in like fish in a sardine can. the other day, a man smelling of cigarette smoke came and sat in the seat behind me and i can still smell him. i was still thinking about if i should move and getaway from this ashtray and not give myself a cancer when a woman came and sat next to me (i was on the aisle side and she was in the middle of a three seat) and i swear, she smelled of stale cunt and i was thinking what were you doing before you actually got on the train ? so here i was caught between an ashtray and a day-old cunt and i was completely immobilized with these smells and only saving grace was the guy in my opposite seat with who i was playing tag with our eyes. and a few weeks ago, i was on a late train and this guy comes and sits next to me with really strong perfume & oh lord, i was sick to my stomach and nauseous and for the rest of my train ride, i contemplated whether or not to throw up on him or not.

after memorial day, two days in a row, i got home to tornado warnings & soaked to skin… i was a bit panicky as i have 17 cats and i wasn’t sure how to get them into a closed room – my friend was telling me, get into the bathtub with them, and then he adds, preferably a bathtub without water… le bastard !

lavender skies are spreading about as i settle down to watch the game 2 of the basketball. i’ve been dancing with the shadows and i’ve been wasting my time just to see happiness crawl back into bed. i’ve been there and done that. i’ve tried everything just to understand how i should act when i no longer know myself. i’ve been through so much as of late… i do feel like it’s not possible to love myself sometimes… but when i remember your kindness. it does it get better. i’ll always try to keep my demons at bay. i want to take you with me to all the places i go inside my head, but i bruised my lips saying your name. if hell lives in the gap created when i lost you, and still you are in my dreams, like it’s rea. and i know that moonlight only dances when it’s shining in your eyes, and though i’m only whole when you’re beside me, you still take all the air with you when you leave. like i have loved you a hundred years ago, and i have flashbacks from the love i lost. i know we spend half of our lives searching for a soulmate and heart breaks when we least expect it, but i have been lucky as the right person found me. you’re still someone i write about, but i’m all out of prayers – please fold my hands.

legends

memory is fickle, and our evaluations can have present bias, but i can’t remember a moment of pure euphoria, emotion and release such as friday night’s game between ma boys warriors and rockets (basketball game). it being a friday, i shouldn’t have watched the game but my anxiety and curiosity got better of me and after profusely apologizing to god for breaking his sabbath, i sat down on my bed, with my heart in my hands, and wrapped in a comforter just so i can duck into it and hide if things took a terrible turn. steph curry dislocated his fingers a couple of games ago and he couldn’t put ball in the basket even if someone gave him a wide berth. poor kevin durant as usual was putting in a spectacular fight and others are pulling their weight as well, but you know, every game was very tight and in my opinion rockets play dirty and unsportsmen like game as harden is notorious for intentionally causing others to foul by taking advantage of this fucking loophole in nba rules and then to make matters worse kd got injured in game 5 and was out for an indefinite period. (update: he & cousins will return for conf. finals but not sure which game)

so here we were at game six. i was 75% sure that warriors would win. (if kd was playing i would have said 100%) and i was telling myself that game 7 will be in warriors home court and so it would be a def. win in the event they lost game 6.

but by half time, warriors tied up the game and steph was at 0 and with 3 fouls on him, dray with 3 and both of them were off the court, and the bench was playing and warriors still tied the game but the whole bench and klay, kevon, dre, everyone showing up. it was so sublime.i was trying to think of why friday night’s win was so satisfying, why it legitimately feels almost as good as winning a championship. for three years we’ve had to hear “if you didn’t have kd you wouldn’t win”, and for almost 5 years we’ve had to listen to people talk about how “if it wasn’t for ______’s injury, you wouldn’t have won”. then we had to have daryl morey beautiful mind, an alternate reality where the rockets actually beat us in an attempt to say they only lost to us because of the refs.

now we know. the team everyone said could beat us got to play us full squad and without kevin durant. and they lost in their own building. i know people are going to keep going with their bull shit, but any doubt that our guys are fucking giants is gone. these dudes are just winners and for the last 5 years, steph, klay, draymond, andre and shaun have run the league. they showed that on friday night. and also i read that when curry wanted to put in some basketball time on thursday evening, and apparently chris paul got wind of this and came in and kicked curry out of the court even when curry said that he will stick to half a court. hence the reason why curry shouted, kick me off the court ? now cp can have the fucking gym all to himself !

i am first generation migrant to us. came here at the age of 19. never had the time to understand or get into american sports like football and basketball. then life happened and i got into basketball & football.

the year was 2015 (same year i got into patriots) just before warriors won their first championship, i was home, tv was on and my cat stepped on the remote changed the channel to some basketball game and warriors were on. this was during my dark and depressive days. a year after my husband passed away and everyday was a struggle not to kill myself & so instead i was selfharming. and i remember the game very vividly because i cut my thighs deeper than i intended because i was getting excited with the game and then curry’s daughter was with him in the press conference and she stole the show and during their first championship run is when i really started getting into basketball and warriors. have followed every single game since then.

long story short, i am what many people call a bandwagon fan. i am ok with it. i don’t know their history but i sure as hell know what this team has gone thru last 6-7 years. you ask why i would remain a fan even after they stop winning ? curry, klay, dray, andre, david west, mo, luke, kerr and everyone else who has been party of the journey except kd was not someone that most teams would pick as their first choice when we picked them. we built this team by truly developing our players as a team. i have never seen such an unselfish bunch of players working together the way warriors have. there are no insecurities. there is love for the game. there is joy in them playing together.

friday nights victory was the most emotional one for me. with kd and cousins out, steph’s issues with shooting – i didn’t want to loose to rockets. i don’t like them or their style of play. they as a team don’t display the level of sportsmanship that this game deserves, that our team upholds time and again.

this victory is what this bandwagon fan will share 20 years later about her team and what they did.

this is why some of us turn into lifelong fans. and here’s to all who try and shame people like me for jumping on the bandwagon….. suck my proverbial dick !

it’s 8:29 pm & i miss you

rainy, sunday, a list: sleeping in, cleaning the flat and doing laundry, reading the wuthering heights and drinking all the coffee, basking in the sunny warmth of my kitties, having long phone chat with eyetalian boy, watching sports & b movies and feeling good in a while. life is good.

it’s raining and i’m thinking of you – your death anniversary is a few days away, and i want to fast forward to next month. i am consumed by the pain of this loss of you and i can’t breathe.

so i miss you a lot and i could fall asleep right now, it’s so peaceful and i’m thinking about you and i am talking to you.

trust and truth, my lover you saw through all of my flaws— you used to say to me “you exist differently” you’re the kind of weather that gardens love

i’ve been learning about myself as of late and i’ve realized a few things… i’m forgetting you and it doesn’t feel good. but i guess a part of my fears of losing you again ie. is something that i’m trying to let go of because baby, our love didn’t last forever and that’s okay. i want to let go of all the anxiety, the sadness, the grief, the pain. i want to accept this wholeheartedly. you will always have my heart

i can hear the thunderstorms closing in, and do you think that the universe tries its hardest every single day to bring us together ? i can only hope that there’s divine intervention happening somewhere, but humans being humans can also be something familiar enough for us to stay. i miss cuddling and curling up against you and miss your kisses.

it’s 9:37 pm and my mind is running wild, hey, do you remember when we walked downtown late at night and got lost in the city ? i can still hear your laughter, i can still see my smile.

i think i have a terrible time keeping secrets away from myself and because i’m so excited to talk to you, and to tell you that i’ve been thinking about you

my heart raised high, my soul open wide, my love attached to your heartstrings, they say that unknown locations are the best vacations— i miss getting lost with you all the time and i fall in love with you more than enough times

you’ll always be my favorite way to experience love, light-hearted and tender, rough on the edges when necessary, but all things great fire-started by your smile and i still love you.

i do. i do still love you. we’re alright, sweetheart.

and when the rain stops, and you’ll vanish while i’m asleep, i just wanted you to read this and know that it’s authentic and genuine.

thank you for being my best friend, even if we’re no longer a couple these days, even if we do prove that even death can’t separate us.

it’s going to be a grand adventure regardless me struggling and you dead.

i just wanted you to know that i’ll never forget you. whenever it rains, i’ll remember you, us – you won’t be too far away. you will be wherever the flowers grow. and you’ll be right where the sun kissed the sky, and i’ll be waiting there for you as well.

5/5/2019

me to you

april 30, 2019 – i would like to dedicate this post to american boy as he made me happy. i’ve not been this happy in a while and i feel invincible and life is good. how did he make me happy, you ask ? he actually made an effort to talk to me or vice versa. i had(have) this problem aka a transference of my feelings on to his act of talking to me and i would get super happy by living a lie that he is talking to me because he is totally in love with me. so now a days, it’s like a conscious act on my part to separate the layer of my idiot heart’s lies it tells itself with the facts that he is just talking like he would with anyone else; also when i want to talk to him he makes me breathless and speechless as my heart races at 1000 mph & i find that my mouth is full of bees and so when i talk to him, he can’t understand what i’m saying. oh i can talk to him when i have to talk about our company affairs and i usually have this razor’s edge while talking to him, and i also am glad that he has divine patience when dealing with me; so now that i’m kind of thinking that i’m not being fair to him because of my weakness for him, i’m ungluing my lips and talking to him and it is interesting to talk to him. i feel like i’m exploring him and his interests. so we had a couple of days of nice little chats even if they were about goddamn sports because i think it’s a safe subject. but i loved it all the same. so thank you !

while traveling to work yesterday morning, i was thinking about surrealism and rené magritte and his famous “ceci n’est pas une pipe”. and during the course of the day, i bumped into american boy, while loudly talking to myself that i would like a banana, as i just worked out in the gym and he was at that time, helping himself to another piece of cake (someone is getting married) and so he went “this is not a banana”… i thought this sounds much better “ceci n’est pas une banane”

speaking of the little party for that girl, i was sitting with my colleagues one of our coworkers was telling us that his friend is getting married and one of the wedding registry item was a chain-saw and then he went, he doesn’t even have any trees. my brain concocted so many horror stories. but hear this, when i get married again, that would be my number one request. also, american boy came and sat by me, *curiouser and curiouser* which is strange as he usually avoids me by a mile. and then he seemed to want to jump in a conversation about basket ball i am having with my friend tom, but for some reason didn’t. dear boy, i don’t bite… well, not much ! but that was yesterday, and today he made my fucking day !

goddamn it ! can i be more giddy with love ? words that whisper of hopes and wants, of caresses unvoiced but entirely bestowed, of so much love that the whole world can’t hold so it lives in dreams here, in the silent whispers of my heart that only your soul hears as a song. i would love to come into your world like the soft evening breeze, like the mist from the hilltop, like the late summer sun. i would sit and watch you for hours, love your quick movements, the curve of your lips in an absent smile, the frown on your forehead as you remembered. i would sit and watch and wait until you noticed me, till the moment that your smile lit up my entire world, till you saw and gave in and wanted me. i would stay with you forever, till your eyes were cloudy pale blue, your hair spun snow and your smile slow and loving as i held your hand. i would stay till you were a memory on the mantelpiece, a picture on the wall, your voice a whisper on the evening wind.

on friday (april 26), the train i was on lost power because of some storms… apparently our train just left that spot where the wires came down and it was such a blessing as we could have got tangled up in live wires. but god is good and we were safe. as the train lost power, we had to stay on the train and i wanted to get out of the train and get a taxi but they won’t let me go. so after 3 hours on the train, we finally got evacuated and i got home around 10 pm. situations like this make me panic as i fear that i won’t see my kids again. i was talking to a colleague of mine, who also takes the same train, if he was on that train that day. and he told me that he took an earlier one and so he missed this whole episode and he was telling me a year or two ago, similar thing happened and one lady called 911 because she wanted to go to bathroom… and i was thinking, how is that gonna help, are they going to bring porter potties or something like that ? but apparently she got fined for calling 911 unnecessarily…

also today, i received beautiful flowers from my boss not sure why, may be admin day or something, but i am immensely grateful to receive them… she is a sweet-heart in my opinion, a bit unsure about herself as a person and she tends to be hard on herself. she does these little little things for me and i’m thankful for them.

oh btw, the italian and i had a great night out on saturday night, and i kept waiting for my heart to say something, anything, like i like him. i do like him, but as a friend. i have absolutely no tingling anywhere in my body.

speaking of which, i am currently reading “the color purple” by alice walker. it’s a horrible story of a young girl and it’s truly transformative literature ! it’s such an emotional but also hopeful novel about recovering from trauma, loving yourself, loving others, finding yourself, finding family, and spirituality without being super preachy. celie, the protagonist, is a lesbian with a girlfriend and i find her first time looking at her “button” (clitoris) (in a mirror obviously) super hilarious. i kept giggling like a little girl when i was reading through the lines about masturbation and her lesbian desires.

at our work gym, where somedays i work out with my boy (in my mind we are together, ok), i now acquired another admirer who is like a baby… he keeps stealing looks at me and ok, i’m not sure if he has puppy crush on me or because of the way i move on the treadmill (i’ve some unique moves on treadmill i sort of do dance steps instead of boring walk or run). and i keep thinking, dear boy, i could be your mother ! the rate at which i attract younger men is inversely proportional to my age, where the older i get, the men i attract are younger. at this rate, by the time i’m 70, i should be dating a 18 years old or younger. also, recently i was talking to a girl at my work about this decent looking qb patriots have acquired and she went, he probably is in his twenties and i’m like, why do i care ? where is the rule which specifies that only men can date young girls and women can’t date younger men ? like please ! i’ve dated younger men but usually find them boring as they don’t have much maturity and now a days, the young people are totally boring who discuss mind numbing subjects which have no substance.

we all are fucked up, just in different places but we point out to others, for their cracked parts. because we forget, that someone else is full fleshed in parts we are starved and bruised.

during certain moments i feel as though i’m trying to make it to the other side. almost like the bridge between what i lived through and where i truly wish to be was washed away by some unforgiving tsunami, and this fierce storm keeps me from repairing the bridge so that i can make it safely back to where i used to reside. so that i can make it back to me and a place where i can finally take a deep breath and feel peace instead of panic, as i continue to do battle with this unpredictable sea of emotions while attempting with everything that i have to avoid anymore fallout.

the phoenix

the biggest lesson i’m learning is that nothing is as extreme or as permanent as our emotions convincing us they are. nothing is certain and things are always fluctuating and there are always exceptions and there are always mistakes. there is always pain and there is always love. everything is one delicate touch away from changing.

spring is here and i’m elated. i’m totally engrossed in working on my body, my projects, sports (basketball).

today i got my annual health checkup results and i’m the poster child of health, yo ! on the plus side, all my numbers are where they should fall, but on the negative side, my values for vitamins like b12, vitamin d have fallen as these come from mainly animal products. not to mention the goddamn fat percentage…. but whateves !

exercise-wise, my body is shaping up nicely… my boobs are firmer and perkier, my bum is getting into a nice round shape, my abs are still squishy but firming up slowly… i keep telling myself, patience and patience. i wish i could increase my workout time a lot more, but it’s hard for now as i still have weak lungs and now that i’m a vegan it’s trying to figure out the right supplements and eating the correct food groups everyday.

i am pretty sure my neighbor is stalking me… not like a creepy, i will hold you in my basement stalking way, but more like i have a crush on you kind of a way. one day i just came home and he came out with some excuse and of course, i introduced myself (i’m not a neanderthal) and he offered to shovel my snow…. this was when we still had snow. i told him no, thank you. i said no as he has a girl friend, and people are crazy and i don’t want some crazy bitch come after me and cut my face, or shoot me or worse, kill my cats. and hence his crush stalking. lol what’s with men anyway ? if you are looking at another woman, you know you are in a wrong relationship and why are you hanging on to a sinking ship… i do hope the sex is great for you to put up with shitty relationships (i’m sorry but i always think of sex more than i think of anything else, oh only next to my cats… and books… ). i have a rule, i don’t get involve with anyone who is not free. also, he is a professional baseball player (now coaching) and he has a daughter and he is cute with a beard, but i hate baseball.

speaking of which, my friends weren’t happy that i’m not involved with anyone and especially me not pursuing american boy. i’m like what do you want me to do, flash my pantyless crotch at him ? i’m happier when i am not in any relationship and i’m nursing a goddamned broken heart. what if missing you never stops ? instead of trying to fill up the hole you left, i will plant flowers on its edges and watch them grow. because time will never heal wounds (they lied), but time will make it easier to cope. easier to live life as i knew it before you.

so much for me deciding that i won’t date for a while. yesterday i got home, fed my kitties, and went out again, as i have to buy some food stuff. so of course, i was speeding as per usual, with my windows down, my hair blowing in the wind, singing at the top of my lungs to french pop which is blasting loudly and i’m happy… and then this other tricked up car started drag racing and lol, of course, i took the challenge and we both were speeding and then at the red light, he started talking to me telling me that he loves my car and i returned the compliment. and then he followed me to the giants where he bought me a bouquet of flowers telling me he would like to drag race me. he is italian (freshly imported) and i would have loved him to be french but close enough ! i love romance and i love the fact that he chased me and gave me flowers ! and yes, i’m gonna go on a date with him this weekend, what choice do i have, he compared me to monica bellucci !! she is a goddess and i’m preening;  and we will race against each other during the memorial day weekend. it’s been a while since i have raced and i have to get my car checked and probably write a will leaving my cats to some one

other miscellaneous things: last weekend, i finally went and checked out the trails in the woods and it’s beautiful ! i love the fresh air and walking on still crunchy leaves.

i drove into work today as i have to meet the “eyetalian” for a coffee after work and while driving into the city, i saw “let notre dame burn” on a bus shelter. i’m not the one who gets emotional over anything getting destroyed except that the building has history and no i don’t believe that they have the “thorn crown” which jesus wore when he was crucified as catholic church is best in propagating false christianity. and this is for you… there is no reference to lent in bible and christians who follow all these pagan rituals in the name of christianity make me sad. they don’t keep sabbath, which is one of the ten commandments, but they eat unclean foods like pork, shellfish, and celebrate the pagan fertility festivals like easter and christmas. (also ps: i love talking to you in between these lines).

american boy surprised me by telling me (i asked) he watches peaky blinders and i thought to myself, if he ever ends up in my bed, (he probably would be eating something) & i’ll be holding a cat or two in my arms), we can at least discuss this as there are very few things which are common between us.

recently, a friend of mine told me that he is moving away as he took another job. and he asked me what are you going to do when i go away ? i didn’t tell him this, but i’m used to people leaving me. i’m like a tree rooted in place and everything else changes around me like seasons.

time ! the bane of our existence… time wears us out like pebbles shaped by constant kisses of the sea. it smooths our edges, allows us grow into different people. sometimes things just work a lot better the second time round. at least that’s what we should believe. sometimes we need space to evolve and to become who we really meant to be. and to become who they mean to me. and eventually, everything falls into place, even if its many years down the road…

14 avril, 2019 6:20 p.m.

every year i await the months for winter to end and spring to thaw and it always fills me with awe… spring arrives in april like a warm sludge down my throat with intense humidity but i welcome any warmth with a hunger for the hurt because it hurts to heal and i’m going to take the sun in both hand and heart.

april comes with the sounds of bees on the wind like a sound from the future. the sun glows brightly and says everything is just about a few minutes away and that we should stop waiting for something we already have… the frost melts, the ground softens as if it’s healing.

nature is so goddamn sneaky… one day the trees were bare and dead and the next day there were itsy bitsy buds with life and being the first to be part of something so large.  when i am on my the platform waiting for my train, i see all these trees majestically poised and silently waiting for the spring thaw and then i saw these little buds, which made me smile and now they are voluptuous with green gently and happily swaying in morning breeze. the ground is soft in the face of life. the soft petals drink up the mist as the daffodils cradle the sun. i quench myself as something cracked and aged, as dry as starlight, in the wet swoons of april.

i have been a fucking social butterfly this month… i have gone to my department’s dinner event as i’m pretentious bitch and the dinner was at a great restaurant in philly where the food is to die for. i usually avoid social scenes as they are mind numbingly boring but i’m kind of missing having a social life which involves night life. i seriously need to find like minded people who would like to go dancing and having dinners at pretentious restaurants and go dancing with me.

i also went to a sixers basket ball game because my boss couldn’t go and she asked me to and i was actually off that day because i had to go to traffic court (remember i got a goddamn ticket ! and while waiving of my inspection ticket, they got me on another technicality ie i didn’t change my address on the registration & license. bastards ! the judge preached me why i needed to notify, & boy did i learn a very expensive lesson as i had to pay $150). if i had to go to work, i wouldn’t have gone to the sports event unless i get off early to go home and feed my kids and then go to the event. the people who organized it had a nice little suite and i know this is more like networking and i have nothing in common with people who goes there, and i’m not a sixers fan but it is an opportunity to feel like a vip and also i wanted to have the experience of actually going to live game. after politely excusing myself, i have made myself comfortable by getting a good seat where i can scream at the players as i have this habit of totally getting immersed in sports and usually scream at my tv (or a tv in a restaurant). but people came by and started chatting with me much to my dismay and i tried to multi-task but well, it’s ok as my boys, the warriors, weren’t playing below on the court; at one point, the partners of the company who organized this came and sat with me and one of them is a patriots fan and the other eagles fan. so i was making fun of the eagles loss, and he goes, “at least my team’s owner wasn’t in headlines with a sex scandal and doing dishonorable things”. it’s a jab at kraft getting caught with a prostitute and i answered him “he is a old and a widower and he got a happy ending and while i don’t condone it, let it go”. for me tho, the most mind boggling question is, he is a very rich guy and there are bleach blonde women with no morals and who would not only give a handjob or a blowjob or do anything else to have a rich life style and they must be fawning all over him and why does he even needed to go to such a place. had conversation with a couple of foreigners (scottish and aussie) and i can never understand why americans are so uptight with foreigners and they are more conservative than europeans.

tim from work, started teasing me about liking the best sports teams (aka patriots, warriors) and so everytime he makes fun of me, i started to print out a tom brady photo and put it on his desk.

my breathing is going great but the recent humidity made me wheeze a bit. i accepted asthma as part of my life, and am going to do whatever is necessary to keep breathing and hopefully not let it affect me negatively. i’m slowly increasing my work out time, and i’m nowhere near the time i want to spend working out but i’m getting stronger… clean eating is honestly the best thing which came out of my asthma. i recently found some vegan cakes and cookies at whole foods which translates to me being a potato #sidelook

i’m eager to explore the trails near my house and i wanted to do it this weekend, but sunday kind of blurred into chores and also clouds were hanging down low, & my laziness set in before i knew it. i made myself some gardein crab cakes and stuffed them into some tortis along with plantains, lentils. i also found out that burger king is now offering plant based meat whopper and i can’t wait to go and get one !

in other news, i’m house hunting and started looking at various options. i’ve a particular house in mind and i haven’t so far found it, but i’m getting ready for the time when i actually find it. i’m unsure at this point if i would ever find a bloke to settle down with and i’m kind of tired of dating men who i know i’m never gonna fall in love with or men who are so goddamn young. i genuinely want to have a loving and lasting relationship, but currently my feelings and my brain are at an impasse. and this is for you ! you made an effort to talk to me (twice) which made me suspicious – our silences are beautiful anyway as my heart extends into yours respite from life’s worries, and drizzling wonder over sepia-tinted days to linger softly within these glittery moments, i wrote love letters to you in my mind and that’s where they stay, and i dangle tender thoughts etching whispered dreams, wishing you were mine. i’m here because of failures of my past. i can trace the scars when i run my fingers on my heart and i just wish that you don’t give me new ones.

lying down on my bed while dusk has set upon the lips of the sky and the music is playing in the background with a song that feels like it could last forever inside of this memory, i love songs that stop time. like this moment is more real than any previous frame that you will revisit. i am hypnotized by the way rhythm and lyrics spoken with a tone that makes it feel as though you’re floating through a garden in space and everything is ethereal and unreal, but with the slightest touch, you’re back home and as long as you have that moment inside of your heart, you know that everything will always be alright.