sunset kisses

current exhaustion level: just tried to put glasses on when i was already wearing glasses, momentarily sporting two whole pairs of glasses on my face and only dimly thinking, something feels off….

finally it’s september ! ah september, the doorway to a season when i come alive ! it has finally cooled down enough for me to have the windows open all day and that has well and truly been (nearly) the only thing keeping me sane this week. but it’s got hot and humid again today. in a preemptive action, i started another course of prednisone. i think i have come to an understanding with this as i actually like breathing really well because of prednisone and am controlling my appetite, by skipping dinners or eating only fruits.

life is going as slowly as it could. i’ve been spending way too much time with humans lately and frankly it’s pissing me off. currently reading “girls burn brighter” by shobha rao and it is set in my home state (where they speak telugu) and boy i tell you…  today i came to a place where the girl is getting tortured because her father hasn’t yet paid the remainder of the dowry and i just was so upset, i had to slam the ipad shut and physically take myself out of my cubicle and had to take a walk to calm the fuck down !! then i went and ranted to mike as i was telling him that i was waiting to borrow this book. mike has recently joined out company and he still has that excitement of a freshly employed, and his eyes glow like dark marbles. he is a bit different and he impressed me when he told me that he gets up at 5 am so he can go work out and then read !! reminded me of my husband as he used to wake up at a god awful hour like around 2:30 – 3 am and go bicycling for couple of hours and come home and read till it’s time for me to wake up and he would bring me a cup of coffee to wake me up ! dude, i miss you so fucking much !

the other day “not ross” boy commented “i want to grow old with you but honestly achievement unlocked” because when we just rolled up to petsmart, he (and i realized) that we are accidentally wearing pastel pink outfits. umm, not sure what i should feel, and am i in a relationship now ? aargh ! i don’t wanna be in a relationship (throws a tiny tantrum), i like being single and not having to interact with any of the relatives !? and also can i get a free house in florida ?

the boy is considerably younger than i and i have absolutely no issues with that but i still think he should sire some kids but he detests children. a handful of days ago, i was coming home having discovered entirely new route which not only cuts my commute by 10 mins (driving) but also takes me through crops and open fields and i get to see sunrise every day and i’m happy and blissful to breath in fresh air and watch the skies and sun; but i digress as usual, anyway, i saw some sky divers in one of the open fields and i mentioned this to the boy and he immediately wanted to go and jump. on one hand i’m envious because the day i was supposed to go and jump out of a plan was the day (valentine’s day) i found out that i was pregnant; but i’m like “boy, i’m thinking of making you the step-papa for my kitties” and he said he wouldn’t mind being a dad to them. but i am just looking for a step-dad for my kitties as my husband will always be their dad. anyways, the boy went and jumped and i sulked on the ground.

now that summer is over, i started on my fall / winter self-care. here are a few of favorites : spraying some lush eau-de-parfume or eau-de-toilette after my shower / putting on a clean bra / undershirt and feeling super clean / dressing up just to go to a favorite french cafe on the weekends, ordering a nice croissant and chocolate cake and eating it in a small park near my house / putting on my favorite songs and listening to them on my bed while drifting off to sleep / going to those used book stores and browsing all afternoon (also, i would love to be kissed by ze american boy in a book store) / wearing agent provocateur panties / having orgasms. often. / eating home made fruit salads  / drinking tea and watch leaves fall / after dinner, walking around my neighborhood with my music on and peering at people through their windows

buttons (featured in one of my photos) is currently in that extremely hyperactive-kitty-cat-play-fever mode where if he sits still he’ll die and the slightest move on my part is met with tiny bites and swats and scampering and ten-foot vertical leaps and this is somehow both heart-meltingly cute and aggressively annoying BECAUSE I WAS JUST SITTING HERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS PLEASE DO NOT SLAP ME SIR….

sir !

sIR !


my cats always make me a partner in their crimes. the other day after i got home and fed my kitties, and just after sundown, sonu was in super hyper crazy nocturnal predator bug-eyed mode and there i was indelicately lounging about on my bed, watching news or some other shit, and this boy just rocket launched himself face first in my no-fly zone. i literally got pussy slammed !

‘seize the day’ they say. and idid. i kept it in your eyes. those staring, unblinking, kind eyes. that poured with your love for me. i hid details of our conversations in your laughter. so that the next time you laugh by yourself you can taste this moment. the waves crashing over grey shores and taking with them the soft light of the sun setting over our lives. another day had passed. yet, that moment couldn’t be encompassed by time. it still remains untarnished in my memory. i go back to the ones i’ve left with to make me last for the rest of my days. i’m using the soul you’ve given me to last for another day. day after day. i didn’t know it was possible to yearn for something as much as i yearn for you. the way you looked up to me like i was the only one you wanted to talk to. how you already knew what i was thinking. how you shared with me your days like a way to seize the day, in my memory. till the time it fades like every frivolous thing. but i’m still holding on to the last flicker burning the candle wick, drowning under the september night. hoping the same sun rises once again.

minnu, sonu and the great outdoors !

is there any thing prettier than cats on leashes ?!?! my boys argue every weekend to let them out and when i do let them out, they run off when i blink for a second. so got leashes for my twin boys, and started training them to walk on leashes. over dramatic kitties as they are, they flopped about like fishies out of water, walked backwards, etc. but they finally figured out they can actually walk with the leashes on. my labor day weekend was completely dedicated to train my kids to walk on leashes. it’s actually fun because, now that fall is around the corner, i want to take them on walks in the hills and in the parks ! i hit a bit of a snag in my plan, as my two boys want to walk in different directions. for now i’m going on walks with one kid at a time (to end of my street that is) – so here are the kitties on leashes, feat. minnu (the striped tabby) and sonu (the very pretty midnight black boy) – so today’s walk was a bit short as it was bloody cold out and grass was wet ! my poor kitties’ feet were super cold, so i brought them back in 🙂



summer in the city


here’s my kitty girl petals, absolutely gorgeous and grateful. animals are so grateful when you attend to them and ease their pain and sickness. i have been showered with affection, once their fever, pain, feeling uncomfortable has left them. it actually pains me physically when they are ill, as they can’t tell me how much of a pain they are in and where exactly it hurts. so i think whatever money i spent on them, is worth it as long as they are well.

i love this song ‘summer in the city’ – i think it’s cool and applies to me in every way especially now in my present condition. but recently i found myself in american boy’s office (he has been a pest since a couple of weeks on a little matter which, in my opinion, was no big deal). but there i was sitting in front of him, and for the first time since i have known him, i was not actually annoyed as he has this knack of driving me up the wall. i was thinking of this song all the time i was speaking with him, even though, i completely forgot the lyrics, i finally realized i actually associate american boy with summer or vice versa.

when i’m sitting so close to him i can feel his breath i wonder if he knows i’m going to replay this moment in my memories for the next few moons or for the sound of his laugh is a sunday afternoon. his sparkling, devilish eyes make me delirious the witty, back-and-forth banter exhilarates me the sultry smile we secretly share is enough to convince my exalted mind to give it all up for more of this bittersweet paradise of lust and laughs where it’s so hard to read his charming words and clever spurs how could i ever decipher what this energy between us is (i’m content in my ignorance so long this ends in a kiss) every fiber in my body tells me i’m not allowed to feel anything for him but don’t they know that telling me i can’t makes me want to even more so much so that it (you) (this) consumes my every waking thought as he, calm and charm, play me like sport  but that’s just it even if i lose the final score the game was worth it. and more. but gosh, i love me orgasms on a regular basis & i can’t wait for him till he comes to his senses. lol,*wink*

so for the  boy’s sake i’ve been rewatching poldark series as he didn’t & also as the final season is upon me, i would like to refresh my memory of the storyline – i say this because, this weekend was quite hot and humid, and boy and i, tho briefly ventured out for a game of tennis, soon we locked ourselves indoors (my asthma flared up again and i’m yet again on another prednisone course). protagonist ross and his wife demelza are constantly going through these problems (if you watch it you know) & i have a little summary as well to fill you in. anyway, getting back to the point, the boy took a shining to demelza, and a week or so ago, after a night of marathon sex, i opened my eyes, turned to the boy as he was lying next to me in effulgent bliss, and the first words out of his mouth were, eleanor tomlinson (demelza poldark) has nice red hair, may be you should try red hair. now, i’m not a very jealous person, but what with my feminist thinking and all,  i would never change who i am even if i want to look dazzling. i wanted to slap him, but i believe in punishing people in a subtle ways, and so i started calling him ross (that’s not his name) and imitating demelza, i am currently going ‘yes ross’. ‘no ross’, ‘tis okay, ross’ and he is begging me to stop, but i think, i will continue for another couple of weeks.  

on poldark: i know this is a historical fiction set in 1800s in cornwall but is anyone else just getting sick of how flat the characters in poldark are becoming ? every single episode, no matter what ‘lessons’ they have learnt in other seasons, they just behave and interact in exactly the same way like they did in the past.

like, morwenna is always this meek crying girl (when she was with drake she was sad bc it wasn’t ‘correct’ that she loves a boy of a low-birth, when she was married she was sad because, obviously the man was a brute and a monster and a sex addict, then she was widowed and she was still sad, then she was free and got married and was still sad. i’m blogging because of my ptsd but she can have some range of emotions other than just being on verge of tears for every scene,

demelza is always complaining, playing victim and losing faith in ross or herself (despite multiple times them having the final ‘we love each other revelation. seriously, she has almost left him…what, four times now ?), oh dear god, give it a fucking rest.

ross is always being rash and making stupid decisions & at a drop of hat runs to his family home trenwith or to elizabeth thus enfuriating george, not that this ass needs an excuse to get his feathers ruffled about ross.

george (antagonist) is just always being evil, (was there actually any point to the whole madness thing if he is just going straight back to full force evil george again ? and dear god, george ! why are you so jealous of ross ?

dwight is just this voice of reason, even when he makes such stupid impulsive decisions like joining the navy on a whim etc….  caroline doesn’t even have enough screen time to be repetitive in any way

like i feel we are just watching these cogs turn round and round and nothing ever really changes or develops. any serious issues like death or ptsd seem to be stuck and then just swept under the rug and kind of ignored. the characters never learn. they never change.  may be humans never change no matter what age or how technologically we all develop. and don’t get me started on the whole tone of this season and how every ‘good character’ naturally has the modern view of opposing slavery completely and not being racist at all, even though this is the 1800′s… ugh.

i watched the second game of patriots (football season is upon us again lads) against titans because i had to record the game and surely when i was checking the score in between the poldark they were at 8 to titans 17 and this morning when i checked the score fully expecting them to have lost but, goddamn, they won ! my boys won and yes i know it’s just preseason but hotdamn !

well, i am off to bed and i love being asleep and i love being in bed but i hate going to bed because it requires so many small rituals and bedtime activities i wish i could just automatically transport myself into bed the moment i get sleepy already with my teeth brushed, in my pajamas, phone set down to charge, alarm set, entire body marinating in an artisanal mix of 24 herbs and spices and sealed in a sous vide bag, etc

bonne nuit !

anatomy of a cat mum

(with photos !!)

this weekend is gorgeous and on friday when i was coming home, i made plans to go to peddlers village for a peach festival. so saturday morning when i woke up, i decided i will go to church and come home, and then go to the peach festival. but of course, it wasn’t meant to be as my girl petal’s is constipated and i couldn’t bear to watch her suffering so i took her to the vet to get her going again (she got an enema) and this took care of my entire saturday.

hopefully sunday, i will try and get to the peach festival.

one of my boy cats, z pack (photo below), is incredibly sweet and wants nothing more than to be within a 2 ft radius of me at all times, gently chilling in my orbit. he is also very, very dumb and to make matters worse, i’m semi-positive that he is also deaf. (i say that because he was a rescue cat – actually i was blackmailed into taking him in by one of my church members – by telling me that if i don’t take him in, he would go to a shelter.) anyway, usually my boy cats are very very needy for their mum.

a couple of weeks or so ago, it was a slow lazy sunday morning so i was reading, not making much noise or moving about. meanwhile, z pack goes downstairs to stare out of the french doors and when he was done staring out, he sat at the bottom of the stairs, and he starts yowling like his lil heart broke. i jumped out of my bed and go to the top of the stairs all worried like, and wave my hands to attract his attention (remember he is deaf) and then asked him “z-pack, what’s wrong ?”

kitty zips back up the stairs and just oozes onto my feet, purring high-powered lawnmower style. when the realization hit me at once

this. boy. this itty bitty kitty boy !

he couldn’t see me for ten continuous seconds, forgot. i was actually home. and immediately burst into tears  !!!!


(z pack: i just took a shower & getting dressed (still naked) when he demanded he wanted cuddles)

indeed, my boy cats are dumb and needy little men. comparatively, the girl cats are super smart, to wit, i give them canned (fancy feast) food (one can per cat) on paper plates as i can’t be bothered with cleaning etc, some flavors are tastier, me thinks, than others as they lick their plates clean. because the paper plates are light, they tend to move away from the cats when they are licking up their food. so in one instance, i saw my kitty girl skittles weighted the paper plate down by putting her paw on it while my dumb kitty boys were chasing the plates about.

though they be stupid, they are velvety soft and excessively affectionate and they are all extra good made for hugging !

my cats still haven’t grasped certain things: showers are wet (the boys try and get into my shower while the girls circle thinking that i may be in danger of drowning) / thinking like a ninja doesn’t make one a ninja / my feet are friends and not chewy toys / clumsy fat kitties can’t fit behind anything expensive esp electronic devices as their mum doesn’t get extended warranties / biting is only nice when it’s mutually consensual / closets and cupboards are not that exciting / there are better places to nap other than my head / i have fed them not a few seconds ago / also, when i get up it’s not for feeding them / gravity always goes down ?? / people who don’t like cats should be left alone when they visit their mum

it is super hard to get a still photos of some cats more than others – for example sonu (below), he is completely in love with me, but he tries to hide it. he comes, sneaky like, when i’m lying down; he would look at me sneakily from the stairs when i am in the kitchen; but he wouldn’t let me take one good photo of him – i’ve so many photos but none great


(sonu: look how annoyed he looks !)

sunday: woke up late as usual a bit groggy as my night was disturbed with z pack sitting next to my head and purring with his high powered lawn mower purrs – that kid doesn’t understand that he should purr softly…  i let out minnu and sonu for a few minutes into my backyard as they love eating grass, but once i blinked he hopped into my neighbors yard and thank god i had my pants on and so i chased him a bit from my side of the fence wondering if i should wake my neighbor up when minnu got spooked and came back into the house. i think i probably won’t go to peach festival but instead will go to gym and work out a bit and may be after lunch go to chester valley trail for some hiking / walking and take in some nature. (bonus photos of buttons (orange), another kid who doesn’t let me hold him to take photos and minnu (the kitty who actually loves taking photos with me)


delicious living

this is how my summer is going  for me. on weekends or holidays, i’m usually a lovely mess waking up, late, with lots of summer to-do lists (not always able to complete them); after feeding kitties, moisturize and workout a little; i don’t always plan to leave the house, unless the sun and nature beckons me; i listen to the same old few songs on repeat; may be try a little new recipe; i spend way too much time in book stores, late summer night walks and summer selfcare; i try and leave my windows open but goddamn humidity y’all !

this friday i took off from work to go spelunking in central pa (penn caves), but by the time i took care of a few things, it was late and so off i went with the boy to some caves which were a bit closer. i love the coolness and the smells of these caves.  we had a little picnic under some trees – i bought a multigrain bread and a raspberry, citrus blossom cake in a french bakery. i’ve fallen off of the vegan wagon last month (july) and so i thickly coated my bread with butter and jam. we rolled around on the blanket eating cherries and grapes watching the clouds drift by. it was still humid but i was ok and when it became unbearable for me, we took off and cooled off in a restaurant and had some tea. in my opinion only a fool chooses to spend time surrounded by concrete and people. while in nature, there is wonderment, and magic !

i love you to the moon, the boy says and his words are my undoing as he whispers secrets with each syllable which just cuts through my skin and sinks deeper. his eyes continues to capture mine while he watches me purest affection. his touch makes my skin goosebumpy and tingles cascade through my body. so all the way to the moon and back (roughly about 9 hours) i was giddy with smiles and happiness. not sure yet but may be i can love him. i am not prepared to be ready for this love. but it feels wonderful and very gradual and grown up…

my brain is an amazing organ all by itself and it thoroughly entertains itself at my expense. i usually don’t dream a lot like some people do. dreams are the emotional resolutions of the days activities and converting them into long term memories. but my brains resolves in sitcoms ! i already reported the sitcom where i’m in a full-fledged relationship with the american boy and now i’m probably in episode 8 or 9. but here is a new sitcom my brain concocted. everyone who knows me a little, knows that i’m a francophile and i love all things french. a while ago i dreamt that i decided i would go to germany and that too i would take a train. and so off i go to germany, and then i take a train. i go to this café, have a coffee and then i decide i would stay at some boy’s apartment. and i roam this german city (not sure the name) on a local bus and then take the goddamn train back to us.

a week ago, my brain presented me with episode 2 of this sitcom i call “train to germany”. this is a bit of a horror episode. i end up getting into a roman theatre like place where there are a group of youngsters are making fun of this person (a man) and he was serving all of us some coffees and cakes. i seem to be not a part of the group but i was offered coffee anyway but i don’t drink it. then i realize that the group became unconscious one by one and at that moment, i realize the doomed situation i was in and i just get up and walk away and this guy doesn’t pay any attention to me at all but he starts hacking at them. so i walk away fast and not sure what my intentions were but i don’t seem to be looking for police or anything.. so i walk and look around and hop on a bus but then i realize this bus is going to take me past this amphitheater and my heart starts pounding because i know that guy may be there and he may recognize me and come after me… i look at the theatre while the bus was going and he was doing to a puppet theatre with these people (and i can clearly see the blood on their clothes) and there ends my dream as i wake up with terror.. what the fuck brain ? ! ?

i have watched a couple of movies on netflix and a series called “another life”. nothing exceptional but i thought that “another life” is a collection of b-rate stars but the storyline was kind of unique and so i sat and watched it while giggling to myself.

i started reading the book “jude, the obscure” by thomas hardy. this would be a great spot to introduce “inspector morse” series and john thaw who acted as morse. the new series endeavour is about baby morse when he started off as a police sergeant.  anyway, morse seeded my love for classical music and because of him i got into opera and symphonies. it’s remarkable how i learn(t) a lot about stuff which molded my personality because of characters from books and tv shows (esp britcoms) – oh the reason why i am rambling about this was this book i am currently reading was because morse was reading this in some episode. lol

also on tumblr i recently came across this photo of a cuneiform clay tablet dated about 1750 bc from the ancient babylonian city of ur (abraham’s city) which was in essence a complaint about the delivery of a wrong grade of copper. i mean it’s in essence babylonian era problems; i mean how pissed should you be to sit and etch on a clay tablet !

and i further researched about it and i found out a couple of additional facts which illuminates the true hilarity of the situation and the merchant’s name was ea-nasir

he wasn’t just into copper trading. there are letters complaining about ea-nasir’s business practices with respect to everything from kitchenwares to real estate speculation to second-hand clothing. the guy was everywhere.

the majority of the surviving correspondences regarding ea-nasir were recovered from one particular room in a building that is believed to have been ea-nasir’s own house.

like, these are clay tablets. they’re bulky, fragile, and difficult to store. they typically weren’t kept long-term unless they contained financial records or other vital information (which is why we have huge reams of financial data about ancient babylon in spite of how little we know about the actual culture: most of the surviving tablets are commercial inventories, bills of sale, etc.).

but this guy, this ea-nasir, he kept all of his angry letters – hundreds of them – and meticulously filed and preserved them in a dedicated room in his house. what kind of guy does that? i mean, in a way we should all strive for the passive aggressiveness and pettiness of ea-nasir ! #goals !!

i can’t believe july is finally finally over.. for me it felt like a whole year.. i knew this summer would be long and heavy cause i am waiting for something critical and life changing in the fall, but i didn’t realize july would be so very dicey ! i’m trying to make a difference in august. last month, and i know this month, will be hard. the weather is killing me. apparently, heat and humidity don’t mix well with asthma. that’s hard for me because i have always loved summer. this is the first year ever that i said i can’t wait for winter. i don’t mind cold and it also bothers me re. asthma. i have stopped recording what i am eating but i am eating healthy which is good. but i have slacked a bit but need to get back on schedule. i have almost have a plan to avoid getting into asthmatic episodes and thus avoid taking prednisone. on one hand, i have not yet gotten rid of the fat which i put on from the past two courses of prednisone.

in the crimson blush of the day, i’m suddenly reminded of all the bubbling dreams on our shoulders. all the well-meaning promises and the constellation of tomorrows resting in our hands. do you sometimes feel yourself full of moonlit hopes ? in the violet night, i feel unafraid. that somehow i can stretch my arms to wrap around the world and find homes in even the darkest corners. sometimes, the seemingly endless sky makes me believe in people with forest green eyes and a laugh dripping with rivers of sunlight. i think if i search farther enough, i can find the air shaking and parting to bring me beautiful truths and people with soft-intentions. the truth is, nothing is for certain. but maybe if we blow enough candles and wish on enough dandelions, maybe we can keep watering all the rosy and hopeful hearts.

31/07/2019 – cuddles

cats, caffeine, & sweatpants

it’s been a while since i updated and tonight is truly a perfect night. it’s been raining all through the day and i stayed home today as humidity & my lungs are not friends and yesterday when my chest tightened, i knew i probably should stay home, sure enough this morning when i woke up, i started wheezing. so i stayed and watched rain pour down. i kept my window slightly open, letting the sounds of pittering rain, rumbling thunder, and the occasional rush of tires on the wet street into my room to tickle my ears. i wish i had a window seat with lots of pillows that i could sit on and drink tea and read books and watch the rain, but lounging in sweatpants, surrounded by cats and drinking coffee is also wonderful. most of the evening i was sitting hunched over an open notebook, scrawling furiously (messily), losing my mind to research, and surrounded by my kids sleeping around me, my eyes getting distracted, bouncing back and forth between the small, luminous reading light and the ever-so-frequent flash of lightning. eerie music that is somehow soothing plays as background sensory intake. a dark, lonesome, fulfilling night. life is cool sometimes.

oh my lil peanut is at a wild life sanctuary as i soon realized if i were to keep her alive i have to feed her like every hour on the hour as she eats like a bird (#sidelook) and as much as i would like to keep her, it’s a fulltime job. on the top of it, couple of my boy cats started showing symptoms of urinary tract infection, which is quite dangerous for boy cats as their urethra is so narrow, & they could get blocked just like that and so i really needed to pay attention. so i drove her down to the wild life center and gave her up and luckily for her they also have other fledglings as a family so, i’m sure she is in good hands.

the first or second week of june i came down with flu which was not fun at all as i had respiratory distress and grumblingly i took another course of prednisone which makes me ravenous and pads on more fat. it’s kind of losing battle at this point i think, and i should just give up and eat all the goddamn pastries and become 400 pounds and die…. but then again, if i die, who would care for my kids ? it’s a catch-22 situation.

anyway, so there i was, full of flu and prednisone, feeling sorry for myself, when i was invited to speak on alzheimer’s to a bunch of young adults and it was like a life line. i felt so goddamn good as there is nothing in the entire world which makes me happy as when someone recognizes my intelligence !

so as the day is fast approaching, (july 16) i am working on my talk. before my life took a plunge into the abyss, i was enrolled in doctoral program working on alzheimer’s and if things worked out the way i planned, i would have finished my phd and either would have been working for academia or would have worked on starting my own company with the help of some investors.

anyway, i am super excited to use my brains for this talk and am grateful for this opportunity, a few changes are about to come in to my life, but this is cool.

to add to the list of men i am dating, now am dating a frenchie (from vienna) as well and not a true frenchie but oh well… close enough ! so my social life is quite full but my sex life is at a halt which is really sad as i really need to get fucked thoroughly ! my boy sandalwood (we are now at an impasse for reasons) is ready to “sacrifice his morals” (his words) and is willing to service me sexually. i may take up on his offer, but i’m currently distracted with other things and i’m not yet quite desperate for a fuck.

what a change a year makes ! last year at this time, i was in a different house which was not well regulated weatherwise and when weather is the way it is right now, like super humid, we felt it as the house was drafty and it didn’t make any difference even when the air conditioner was running. i am thankful to god for his blessings and giving us this.  my cats assumed the breadbox position (it’s a bit chilly) as the thermostat stays at 65 because of humidity.

over the july fourth weekend (also known as independence day) i partied hard and why not ? been to a friend’s wedding and hiked (panting heavily because of humidity and taking multiple doses of albuterol) – frenchie and i went to lake and paddled about a bit, and sun bathed topless and my boobs are now sunburnt; while we were having lunch, he was like, may be next time, we should fish. and i went, have you met me ? and oh i had to add eggs into my diet as on july 2nd i almost fainted and stayed dizzy for most of the day which i associated with not getting enough iron, hence no oxygen (i’m already asthmatic & anemic). i probably have to get some iron supplements but eggs are handy for now.

the coop girls and i have a special bond. and i was chatting with the indian one and as i mentioned before, i have a special bond with that girl because we think alike and i feel like she is my daughter. she was adopted. when you are growing up in india, there are things which we as girls do and even though i was never keen on makeup & clothes in fashion sense, but peer pressure has some say in my life, like i was pushed into beauty contests (i went to all girls school) even though i didn’t sign up for them and winning and teasing boys of some company from my classroom window (not very proud of these things) and etc. but i religiously did somethings like self care with indian traditional beauty regimen and natural ingredients. i stopped doing that after my husband’s passing. so she was asking about something and i stated teaching her various face masks and about skin care and i am so happy to pass my knowledge to her (as i would to my daughter) and i told her she needs to do a beauty regimen starting now if she wants to look like she is in her twenties even when she was 5000 years old and also to never ever get into sun. ever ! lol talking to her about all these things is actually giving me motivation to shed my blues and start to take care of myself.

i find the quickest way to happiness is self-acceptance, self-reflection and self-care because the second you become honest with yourself about yourself, you’re open to change and the ability to adapt, in my opinion, is the best way to have this consistent source of happiness enter my life

yes, i still have problems with maintaining happiness, and there are days (even now) i just want to end it or get back to self harming. but i am aware that happiness is still there blinking away like a spark. maintaining hope if the key and once you become hopeless, we are done. being hopeful keeps us going, and if you want to see things through, if you really want to see a smile on your face, keep going

love, the kind you don’t have left for myself, because i have spent so many years giving it all away; have you ever played any zelda type games? you have to use your sword to break vases or to cut the grass for hearts to restore your health. good health requires work. if you really want to improve, you need patience. everything takes time and this is the mantra we should remember,

i don’t care if we have to wake up every single day for the rest of our lives and just stare into the mirror and sigh a small i love you, it’ll work. it’s better than making ourselves feel miserable for something that we did three years ago. we are the same anymore. i’ve changed, you’ve changed. i’ve grown from whatever it was that held me back for so long.  keep telling myself, don’t give your past another inch of your future. control that shit. happiness awaits.

peanut – day 2

i slept uneasily last night as i was worried for this little one and so when i finally got out of my bed this morning i made a beeline to my peanut. she had a nice bowel movement and so i changed her bedding and fed her with some banana, cat food and gave her some milk. (she does open eyes but here in the photos she is in food coma)

i’m pleased with myself because she is ok – when i was at work i thought of her, wondering how i can give multiple feedings during the days i go to work. should i bring her to work in a box and keep her in my desk and feed her every couple of hours ? bring her into the nursing station and change her bedding ? lol oh the possibilities !

when i got home and again i made a beeline to her and lo and behold, when i opened the closet door, i can hear her chirping and squeaking…. i got her out and changed her bedding and gave a sumptuous food made of cat food, banana and she did eat very heartily ! she opened her little beak to ask for more and we both are learning to do this. i got some eggs while coming home, and now i am hard boiling them so i can feed her some yolk.

now that it’s weekend, i should be able to care for her with more feedings. i also need to find a safe place both from my cats and the cool air as even though they are warm blooded, she still have no feathers and the temp in my house is below 65 to ward off humidity. i need her to have a bit of sunlight and not cooped up in a dark closet.

au revoir

peatnut’s mumther



say hello to little peanut, my latest rescue ! also categorize this under stupid things i do. i took off from work early as i got an alert that there would be flash flood. it’s been raining cats & dogs lately and the ground is so saturated and ripe for floods.

anyway, there i was got off the train & almost squished this little one. i think it’s a baby robin, and it was raining, so i picked her up, trying to find the mum. the parent birds were circling & i wasn’t sure where i should leave this one. and after carrying this little one for a whole half hour and i tried to put the bird in her nest. but i am short in height & so when i tried to use to a stick to place the baby, she fell again and was unconscious. my heart broke into a million pieces, and so i revived the bird and decided that she probably has better chances with me and she probably won’t survive if i leave it out.

i got into my car with the bird and cried a lot and prayed and asked god to watch over this one as a favor for me.

i made her a little nest and put her in a box and the box in a closet. i fed her a bit of cat food and i probably will give her more feedings of bananas & more cat food till i go to sleep. tomorrow i will buy her some eggs as well.

so now i’m a mumther for this lil peanut as well and hopefully i will post more updates on her well being.  #raising a chick in a house full of cats



so i am watching my boys les warriors play their 5th game, with their backs firmly against the wall as if they lose this game, they would lose the championship and i’m literally sick to my stomach also because i came down with flu. kevin durant finally made an appearance this night and i’m wishing my boys a victory and i won’t be all that torn up if raptors take this championship as they deserve it and also because they are from my husband’s home town team.

saturday night i went out with this bloke for a star gazing event. during summer months, some parks have star gazing events where you go to a lake after sundown and have a picnic; we have just had such a french evening. it started with an apéro (beer (he drank), pretzel, vegetables), then dinner with wine (all alcohol is him), baguette and cheese (i cheated and ate cheese), more wine, liquor and finally coffee. it was a lot of fun with my friend. en plus, c’était nuit étoilée !! justement parfait 🙂 j’espère qu’on aura encore plus de soirée comme ça ! and as our weather has been a bipolar bitch lately, it was cooler during the night and we stayed out till 1 am and hence i got the flu.

i woke up as usual and fed my kids and took my shower and came out and i felt really woozy and after debating with myself for a moment, i told myself fuck it and stayed home and cancelled my meetings etc.

over the weekend, i watched a couple of movies and one of them was one hundred foot journey because i wanted to feel something, and this got the job done. if you haven’t already, go and see the hundred foot journey, its simply delightful and i guarantee it will make you smile even on a crappy day.

i was laughing so hard as papaji reminded me so much of my mum especially when he was bargaining and this is so typical of indian people and i went through this phase where my mum would embarrass us in the market. but this is just not my mum, every one in india is expected to have a little bargaining skills. mumma would cut the price down to half no matter what the price may be and i would stand there horrified.

also rewatched kon tiki as well because i forgot most of the movie.

i also watched the straw dogs (2011) movie and this actor alexander skarsgard (who was a villain in this movie) reminded me of the american boy but he is much sexier.

along with this i watched a couple of more movies (a german and english) and they all have rape themes and what’s more irritating was the fact the women don’t speak out ! this is mainly perpetuated by women that too smart and educated women, who like to dress up so as to please men and are fucking needy to get noticed by men. what the fuck women ? my boss also mentions this to me and she says her boyfriend thinks she is fat and in my head i would be thinking don’t tell me shit like this because in a minute i will unleash my feminist rant and tell you to ditch any man who is so fucking shallow ! but i learned to shut my mouth because like many other women, she chose to stay in this relationship & i would be wasting my fucking breath by telling her otherwise ! and thank the fuck the men who i attract aren’t shallow and don’t get me wrong, i would like to be skinny healthy but i wouldn’t do it for a man. because any man who does this stunt on me gets my wrath as this fucking annoys me to no end and i will cut any man down to his size if he tries this shit on me because he is a man. i like intelligence and men who are intelligent gets my respect.

speaking of intelligent men, someone printed a meme where warriors logo was a handicapped sign because most of the warrior players are down with injuries and left it for me on my chair. at my work i am the lone wolf marching to her own band as i am an admirer or patriorts and warriors and every one else are for philadelphia teams who are mainly losers. so everytime one of my teams loses a game, i get these little memes printed and left on my chair and i thought its either my friend tom, or another colleague mike or tim as these are the people i regularly square off. but no one owned up and i decided it must be tim just because of the cleverness of it.

tim is also very funny and he cracks me up as he recently started opening up and confession he is my favorite person because he is not only intelligent but so very humble and i simply respect him & he is like a breath of fresh air.

i recently started growing an indoor lake (in a small glass bowl) as i love lakes and i prefer them to beaches and so i decided to own one. once i fully grow one i will post a photo. it is an interesting hobby. and also i will have a little koi pond once i buy a house. speaking of koi, if you haven’t watched the movie “salmon fishing in yemen” you must ! that movie was gloriously funny !

i bid you au revoir as i go and finish watching the game (durant injured, again and out) and hopefully witness my boys victory. i am stuffy nose and sore throat; troll who stay in bed until late in the evening and trying to sleep away the sickness that wreaks havoc in my body. i share tea and not disgusted by the germs i share, already infested. i play on my phone and i read until i fall asleep; the most unattractive kind… tissues in nose, mouth wide open, hair a mess. i wake hungry with no motivation to cook anything so i wait. we wait together.

simpler times


hey, you lovely people of the internet, i thought i’d like to post a lil life update, because i’m just very content these days

firstly a lil shout out to my hair which transforms itself into a 40s or 50s do & no, i didn’t do this on purpose as trying to achieve this do on purpose never works.

due to personal reasons, as in lack of motivation and more interesting distractions, i haven’t been very active lately and all through the month of may i walked around with my edges curled with insurmountable sadness.

apart from that, i’ve been going out a lot lately. i started dating some new people, which is becoming more and more time consuming but i’m also very happy at the moment. lots of dreamy, surreal nights, and tonight, as we had free ice cream for dinner at a new bar in my neighbourhood, it finally started to feel like summer 🌼

i kind of realized that i’m not giving myself a chance at happiness and so new people (age is no more relevant) if they can hold my attention by conversing with me intelligently and if they want to go out for a dinner or coffee, i’m saying yes. but as i’m not seriously looking for a mate, i’m having a ball & have rules for the blokes…ie have to be an active christian and a sabbath keeper. as coelo puts it, i closed some doors not because of pride, incapacity, or arrogance but simply because they lead me nowhere

italian and i raced our cars recently on memorial day weekend and it was super fun ! thinking of finally getting my passport done so i can get away for a weekend or two and also as my dates are offering to fly me out here or there and oh why not as long as i get back before my kids start missing me – but i don’t think i would do any of that fun traveling at least this year tho.

but before any of that, i’m so looking forward to a camping trip in june ! i can’t wait to go back and trek on appalachian mountains ! there’s nothing more dreamy than camping and dancing (it would just be me) and getting wild in the nature together with my church folks.

my boys warriors have over come all kinds of odds and are crowned as the western conference champs and are sitting pretty and though i am pleased that raptors are in finals and tho they have parallels with warriors, i still think my boys will prevail and take the championship with steph curry as mvp… durant is still out. all in all it should be a great basketball event and i still would love it even if warriors lose (think positive thoughts, think positive thoughts).

i recently started reading arundhati roy’s “the god of small things” and gosh this book tho ! i am totally speechless and my eyes are misting with happy memories when i read through the book especially those parts which evoke memories of my childhood (as the book is set in india). but this book itself is sad. as it’s my habit, whenever i love something, i tend to savor it slower than i want to and thus extend my pleasure and so i would read a lot of pages in a bit and then i force myself to not touch the books and then i ruminate on the passages which i just read through. i keep wondering how long did it take her to write this book as each and every sentence is packed with meaning.

i watched a great amazon series “fleabag” – it’s about badass women like me who have gone through a lot and have hard time doing anything other than exactly what they want to do !!

my vegan diet has ups and downs – up as i am making an effort to cook and eat healthy and down because somedays i just don’t have motivation and i find myself eating goddamn french fries. oh i got myself a case of mangoes and the smell of the mangoes !! it’s something else, i keep getting transported back to my childhood days of eating indian mangoes (these are mexican) pregnant with sweet nectar and enchanted smells… the hot summers in india… the dry dusty roads, sleepy afternoons, the sugar cane man who comes in the afternoons, the big ass blue bottle flies attracted to the rotting fruits, and me up a mango tree with a book and a cat ! am i getting old and nostalgic ? perhaps…

so i fitted another puzzle piece to my asthma… i figured my breathing if shallow and off as, a while ago i had panic attacks and dreaded breathing, and this rendered my diaphragm weak and nonfunctional. i started working on my chest and diaphragm during my free times, or whenever i get a chance, i started to work on my breathing and on strengthening my diaphragm.

i guess all that pollen & humidity and so i gave in a took a course of steroids – while i was on steroids, (oral), i’m almost panicky because i know that bloating & weight comes back – and one of those days, here i was having that inner battle with myself when american boy came bouncing to my desk demanding why i scheduled a particular meeting when he will be away in july – i was almost saintly even though i really wanted to slap him back into his place. but i decided i will be an adult & dealt with him while grinding my teeth.

train journey now-a-days is painful as it’s getting hotter and the train cars are fewer and we are all getting packed in like fish in a sardine can. the other day, a man smelling of cigarette smoke came and sat in the seat behind me and i can still smell him. i was still thinking about if i should move and getaway from this ashtray and not give myself a cancer when a woman came and sat next to me (i was on the aisle side and she was in the middle of a three seat) and i swear, she smelled of stale cunt and i was thinking what were you doing before you actually got on the train ? so here i was caught between an ashtray and a day-old cunt and i was completely immobilized with these smells and only saving grace was the guy in my opposite seat with who i was playing tag with our eyes. and a few weeks ago, i was on a late train and this guy comes and sits next to me with really strong perfume & oh lord, i was sick to my stomach and nauseous and for the rest of my train ride, i contemplated whether or not to throw up on him or not.

after memorial day, two days in a row, i got home to tornado warnings & soaked to skin… i was a bit panicky as i have 17 cats and i wasn’t sure how to get them into a closed room – my friend was telling me, get into the bathtub with them, and then he adds, preferably a bathtub without water… le bastard !

lavender skies are spreading about as i settle down to watch the game 2 of the basketball. i’ve been dancing with the shadows and i’ve been wasting my time just to see happiness crawl back into bed. i’ve been there and done that. i’ve tried everything just to understand how i should act when i no longer know myself. i’ve been through so much as of late… i do feel like it’s not possible to love myself sometimes… but when i remember your kindness. it does it get better. i’ll always try to keep my demons at bay. i want to take you with me to all the places i go inside my head, but i bruised my lips saying your name. if hell lives in the gap created when i lost you, and still you are in my dreams, like it’s rea. and i know that moonlight only dances when it’s shining in your eyes, and though i’m only whole when you’re beside me, you still take all the air with you when you leave. like i have loved you a hundred years ago, and i have flashbacks from the love i lost. i know we spend half of our lives searching for a soulmate and heart breaks when we least expect it, but i have been lucky as the right person found me. you’re still someone i write about, but i’m all out of prayers – please fold my hands.