autumn mists

i have been driving to work lately as the trains have become increasing unreliable and the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back was when i had to go back home to get the car because the goddamn train broke down and i detest driving during rush hour as lots of morons are on the road at the same time. but in general i do love driving when no one else is on the road as i love to get lost in my thoughts as my brain is marvelous in thinking things and it has been amazing these few days weather-wise as it is after all fall and the trees are changing colors and i’ve been insanely happy during these glorious morning and evening commutes. i’m also listening to some webinars and other good stuff.

beautiful beautiful autumn ! every year i fall in love with nature and get lost in it’s brilliance of colors. here are a few of the photos of my morning commute where i’ve driven through mists and fog and lost in all of the beauty; the trees changing colors in my vale and my neighborhood and alas lots of yellows but not many reds :/ (i’ll post my evening one as well as it is also super amazing driving thru the dark, twisty roads, with trees towering and changing the landscape giving it a little spooky feel)

the first breath of autumn, the distance from my heart to you ! for what is the point in always looking back – we have our own twilights, shadows, mists and abysses.

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i pause my life on sundays to take stock at my life and reevaluate goals, and apparently i am doing a fucking good job with my life so far, and so big fat pat on my back. the biggest lesson i’m learning is that nothing is as extreme or as permanent as our emotions convince us they are. nothing is certain and things are always fluctuating and there are always exceptions and there are always mistakes. there is always pain and there is always love. everything is a delicate touch away from changing (feels like i have said this or wrote this before).

i like deep thinkers. i don’t like normal conversations and i look forward to intellectual conversations with my friends. people are so goddamn stupid and they can’t hold a convo if their life depends on it and not to mention most of it is fake and oh yes, i also talk shit as well about things of no importance because i’ve to socialize. usually i keep having a soliloquy at work to stop my brain from liquefying. some days it actually pains me to talk to people and i honestly think my conversations with my cats have more substance.

the boy is reading a book on egyptian literature (the tale of two brothers) as i am interested in egyptian civilization (ancient civilizations interest me like babylonia, mayan, incan, etc.) and he and i were reading in bed this morning as it rained and rained all morning and apparently there is a line in the book which goes like: “come, let’s spend an hour sleeping (together). you shall put on your wig.” wow egyptians ! needless to say, i would be borrowing the book to find out what that’s all about and how a wig can be an aphrodisiac.

i love the moments when i lie down in boy’s lap and listen to his ridiculous conversation. once he told me that there is heartbeat in my fingertips and he kissed my fingers. we always seem to have tumbled into a world of half awake and half asleep and i love to just listen to him rambling on and on about things which make no sense, but at the same time make a whole lot of sense.

this morning the boy and i were talking about my own feelings of self-worth in relationships (with my family, friends). and he asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, a total bitch etc. and he said “you named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you are” and y’ mind was blown that’s gonna stick with me forever like he then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about me that he likes and those which he thinks anyone else would like as well and i hadn’t even considered those because like he said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person and goddamn if that’s not love i don’t know what is !!

with this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. when people say the reasons that they love / like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them ? and are they equating your worth with how much you do for them ?

for example: “you’re such a good listener. you’re so generous, you’re so compassionate. you’re always there for me. you always hold me down. you’re reliable” versus (as the boy puts it) “you’re so funny ! you’re very vibrant. you’re creative, passionate, and intelligent. you’re optimistic. you’re so talented at cooking, (he added fucking as well)” etc. i think that’s very telling.

recently i was talking to a woman (who shall remain nameless) and she told me that she gets so happy when her husband does something trivial like make the bed. and when women says things like “my man washed a dish and cooked me a dinner once” and they are so goddamn proud of it; it makes me so sad for such women like you know, these women never have orgasms.

i recently read a story about how dutch police arrested a bird for its involvement in a store robbery (it belonged to the thief and so was caught red-handed with the thief) and so they put the bird in a cell as well with bread and water and when the news reported the story, they put a black bar over the bird’s eye to protect it’s identity and i promise you i’m not make this shit up and i cracked up and laughed so hard.

speaking of cracking up, on friday, my colleague eric & i were conversing and he once was looking for ketchup and i gave him some and then whenever i see ketchup packs, i started hoarding them for him. so i was telling him that, and he went, thanks i will get them from you on monday for my breakfast. and of course, you know i have to ask what breakfast needs ketchup. he said he puts ketchup on eggs and i was like “no, you don’t” ! and we had a debate and guys, i kid you not, americans are a bunch of weirdos. so naturally, i googled and i came across this article which forbade people from putting ketchup on eggs (scrambled or otherwise) which i promptly printed a copy for eric and gave him that. and i cracked up when the writer concludes the article with the following: “wait, but i like ketchup on eggs. what can i do ? talk to your dentist about getting your taste buds removed.”

well, another week is here and can you believe it, we have only a handful of days in 2010s ! brady and patriots had another victory, having won 8 games and still undefeated, and i can’t wait to see them in action when they are in philadelphia. while my fav football team is marching away gloriously, alas my fav basket ball team, golden state warriors, is still going through adjustments and recovering from injuries and i’m hoping they would recover quickly and become their ferocious selves.

words left unspoken things left undone. good night y’all, you beautiful internet people, see you in a bit.


hello fall !

i feel that my ordering online (kitty food, makeup, groceries) is out of control as they come in boxes and our recycling (and trash) is on monday morning, and god help me, as it also rains the same time without failing, and i don’t like to leave the boxes out for the recycling collectors because they will get wet and turn mushy. so my downstairs is now full of boxes and we (my kitties and i) are hopping over them like they are obstacle course and i thought of cleaning up the downstairs and collapse the boxes so i can stack them up, but the lazy side of me proclaimed fuck it, we die like men !

i write “my husband” on here all the damn time like it’s nothing, but the minute i say that phrase aloud to another human being i feel as if i’ve aged fifty years. i’ve yet to say “my boyfriend” to another human being or even write it as i’m still not sure about that relationship and what am i, ten year old, and i feel silly and also, i don’t want to be in a relationship. the boy assures me that we don’t “have to be” in a relationship; but he always talks about marriage and yes dudes & dudettes, i want to get married (and not sin) to him but he is an atheist (also a meat-eater), and i don’t like to force people to convert or go to church just because of me. god knows we have enough of those who fill the pews at our churches… is this a test ? can i just stop being horny all the time and not think of sex for a couple of hours so i can become a nun and not deal with “i should marry this boy because i’m fucking him”. i can honestly say my brain thinks only three thinks on repeat; cats, sex, food and inserts other functions in between.

the past few days have been about reading and learning about diversifying my portfolio and researching on investing opportunities. i have learned so much and it actually makes me enjoy the process so thoroughly. i have also been working on my asthma aka getting off steroids; to this end, i have bought things to help me with breathing exercises. for the first time after all these years, i am hopeful that i will kick off asthma and be rid of the steroids. the boy and i giggle a lot when my face looks bloated on steroids, he says i look like a squirrel with nuts stuffed ! lol bastard !

i performed a procedure on my kitty boy, winter, last weekend. a couple of weeks ago, i have seen him limping around and is shying away from putting any weight on one of his front paws and i thought may be he sprained his leg or had a fracture when he was doing his victory lap around the first floor after he pooped (cats do that all the time) – so i gently checked his legs to see if he would squeal in pain but i got no reaction and i thought it might have been a sprain and so i gave him a couple of days to recover and if he was still limping then i would take him to the vet and in the meantime, i also got him started on antibiotics. but soon after winter stopped limping and i went about my business. but last weekend, i saw that one of his paws was puffier than the other. i was just about to go out to attend a real estate investors meeting, but of course, my kids are a priority for me, so i dropped everything and i grabbed him and checked his front paws and i found the problem. his claws have grown into the toe beans and like dug into the soft pads and it happened on both of the front legs. i called my vet to bring him but it being a sunday, the clinic was only for emergencies and usually she would make allowances for my kids, but she had an emergency and so i decided i would do the procedure (removing the ingrown claws) myself instead of waiting till monday; after all, i have dissected the fruit-fly brains and yep, winter was not pleased as one of the paws (the one he was not putting his weight on) had begun to get infected, but surgery i did and he almost bit me and was pissed with me for about two days. i got back into his graces by giving him catnip and other treats and i wanted to check his paw as he wouldn’t let me clean it with antibiotic cleanser after the procedure, and he was like “no, thank you !” but he was a good boi and he took his antibiotics when i gave him and he forgave his mama !

oh good news, we recently acquired another company and my boss tells me they do provide medications for pets and i am thrilled as it would be a bit less expensive (as we would get it for three month supply). also, i am planning to go to patriots v eagles game when patriots visit philadelphia and i want to have the seats as close to the patriots bench as possible, but alas, the tickets are currently at $900 + and i’m waiting for the ticket price to go down a bit but i may have to buy it almost at that price and unfortunately that would mean that yours truly will be going all by her lonesome self as the boy won’t buy his ticket at that price and that’s ok by me because i’m an adult and i can sit and shout all by myself. the american boy suggested that if i go to the stadium, i may be called names (as i am patriots fan) and i slightly enjoyed his concern (?) but fuck it, i am not missing out on this opportunity because eagles fans are a bunch of balls-less bullies. but i will be sporting pepper spray just in case !

ever since my husband’s death, i have learnt to grab life by it’s balls, and enjoy every minute of it.  life is not the same for everyone, we have to find moments to make it worth living. sometime its just a smile, an innocent face, a moment from past. we see many people everyday with tired faces, tired of their current situations though they have everything in life. i don’t understand why they complain so much in spite having everything ! my mother used to say, it’s very important to be content with what you have ! otherwise you will always be unhappy ! i’m glad to say that in spite of everything, and all the sadness i have to trudge through i remember to cherish the things which i have and love to live ! the most beautiful thing i see when i drive through the impoverished areas of my city is to  see the smile on the faces of the poor children. they have no achievement, no money, nothing to cherish at all yet they have a beautiful smile on their face, not like the fake smiles i see being put on everyday…

my lover tells me that it’s okay to be emotional and soft, but there’s a time and a place for everything. sometimes you need to be stern, sometimes you need to be a pillar when everyone around you starts crumbling down— people that you love will need someone to hold on to when things get rough. be that person for them. kindness goes a long way, he tells me. my wild spirited flower is growing down the right side of his heart— he has the lightest beauty marks on the right side of his neck. you would have loved to meet him

to live an enchanted life, simply fall in love with the nature around you. idk how to describe it exactly but i really love how hearty fall is. like it’s all refreshing weather, strong earthy smells, sturdy boots and thick knit sweaters, bold colors and warm, filling meals like soup and mash potatoes and oatmeal with golden syrup on top. it’s the comfort season.

i think i am on verge of something wonderful !




so fall is officially here and september is passing without all those cold damp days !!  my heart and soul have yearned all year for short days, crisp air, and leaves of red and gold drifting slowly to the ground. i thrive in autumn. in autumn, it feels as though i can finally breathe. i am ready for cozy blankets, homemade apple pies, pumpkin candles, fuzzy socks, the smell in the air as the wind blows cool. i am wholeheartedly ready for autumn.

i love wearing oversized sweaters, eating soups, crunch leaves, aargh !! i am alive !!

as i’m writing this, my cat petals is next to me dreaming of something and making soft noises. i’ve come to realize that i’m living in some sort of valley even tho the mountains, are not actually mountains, but they are a respectable hills… i’m super excited for fall to arrive to paint the trees with beautiful strokes of orange, red, yellow… i live in an eden, y’all !

my boys patriots have been marching towards superbowl whatever, crushing their opponents, creating unnecessary drama (aka atonio brown) and they have been better than they were before. on my health update: past week has been a bit rough for me as i was mostly “light headed”. i think the prednisone had functioned only way too well and my lungs were completely open and i was breathless for completely different reasons. well i immediately stopped taking prednisone monitoring my breathing and keeping myself consciously focused. also i was the first one to get a flu shot for this season.

i’ve been interviewing as people keep bugging me. but i have set my salary high as i really don’t need to look for another job.

the biggest update of my life is :  the coop girls from work and i have formed an investment group and we are planning to invest in various joint ventures. i am thrilled to bits because this actually challenges me as i am not made to work from 9 to 5. i have tried to no end to get more skills from the goddamn department where i work, but that came to no fruition. what pisses me off more is that none of those people, i approach got no balls to tell me that they don’t want to teach me. but despair not ! i have found others who are willing to teach me and take my help.

the girls whom i have come to think of as my daughters, and i work at a lot of logic puzzles and when we chat we are always talking about our careers, future and us being feminists. i really think they look up to me as their mentor, and they have a lot of admiration for me and vice versa. they are young and getting started on their lives and i am really happy to make that impact on their lives and even if they take a nanobyte of what i taught them and apply to their lives, my purpose is done. i  really think as humans, we should be more than a simple mammal which eats and poops… i need to challenge myself and excel. and working on investing gives me that outlet. i’ve given myself five years to stabilize my life which was upside down with my husband’s death and i’m patting myself on my back as it’s not yet year three, and i’m well ahead of the schedule !

the girls the other day did the sweetest thing for me. in passing i mentioned to them i love when someone leaves me notes. and both my husband and my love julien used to leave me notes and i miss that a lot. so on monday, when i went to work, my whole monitor was filled with post it notes and they were quite creative. i laughed so much and also, i fucking teared up ! i need to bring those notes to my home so i can cherish them when i am old and sitting in a rocking chair with a couple of kitties on my lap.

already buying a house went on a back burner this year and in lieu of that i thought of buying another suv, and was debating between bmw x7 and bmw x5 and i have finally settled on x5, but i think i am gonna push that to the back burner till next year.

i’m quite pleased with myself lately as i’m very energized and seemed to be on the road to healing. the darkness seems to be making way to light, sun, humor and best of all, the feeling of doom is slowly going away..

missing my husband a lot. i mean it’s five years already and why the fuck can’t i forget ?  i went out with the boy and sat a table for five in a moroccan restaurant, that exclusively played classical music, and he assured me that i should write more poetry and that the world would listen if i spake….. i told him he should get laid, preferably by me. i was there before, soon after my husband had died. i remembered looking around me through my tears and secretly hoping someone would fall in love with me.  it was ages ago and i have paved my ways with my teeth… constantly grinding them and tightening them.

life was strange and always always hard for me. i constantly remind myself of the good friends, lovers who saved me from ending it all. tears and more tears. i have seen good and bad. went through a lot and through it all. i haven’t learned much. but i have given up on fighting and wanting. lather. rinse. repeat.

when my love julien died, i’ve thrown away all of my calculators since i’ve seen last of him. i no longer needed to measure the speed of my blood which flows in my vein when he walked towards me.

i grew weary. who is it that said our beds are crowded with the ghosts of our past ? i don’t have many ghosts but i have bitter shadows. the boy is away for his work and i keep waking up to the sound of my heartbeat. i’m writing a poem for him in the shower. i often find myself in the grips of loneliness. is this what love is ? or is it the myth of love…

the boy assures me. he is ready to marry me. he pledged that he will be faithful to me. i told him, once, twice, on repeat… i don’t care for his promises; as long as you are open and honest with me. all i want from him is that he won’t forget. i want to be able to look at a mirror and not see the ghosts of my past who dug their graves inside me. if i were to be a cemetery to all these ghosts, i at least want to be able to have a garden and not just be a rotting old coffin who houses all these ghosts. let me bloom. let me stretch my neck towards the stars & gather the warmth. let me water them with my tears. let me hold my skin together to house my withering spirit and not sink into the darkness. this is not a lament at being heart broken. this is just a simple wish to gather the moons, stars & wishes and put them in my pockets. after all, pants with pockets are really important when the nights are this cold and dark.

sunset kisses

current exhaustion level: just tried to put glasses on when i was already wearing glasses, momentarily sporting two whole pairs of glasses on my face and only dimly thinking, something feels off….

finally it’s september ! ah september, the doorway to a season when i come alive ! it has finally cooled down enough for me to have the windows open all day and that has well and truly been (nearly) the only thing keeping me sane this week. but it’s got hot and humid again today. in a preemptive action, i started another course of prednisone. i think i have come to an understanding with this as i actually like breathing really well because of prednisone and am controlling my appetite, by skipping dinners or eating only fruits.

life is going as slowly as it could. i’ve been spending way too much time with humans lately and frankly it’s pissing me off. currently reading “girls burn brighter” by shobha rao and it is set in my home state (where they speak telugu) and boy i tell you…  today i came to a place where the girl is getting tortured because her father hasn’t yet paid the remainder of the dowry and i just was so upset, i had to slam the ipad shut and physically take myself out of my cubicle and had to take a walk to calm the fuck down !! then i went and ranted to mike as i was telling him that i was waiting to borrow this book. mike has recently joined out company and he still has that excitement of a freshly employed, and his eyes glow like dark marbles. he is a bit different and he impressed me when he told me that he gets up at 5 am so he can go work out and then read !! reminded me of my husband as he used to wake up at a god awful hour like around 2:30 – 3 am and go bicycling for couple of hours and come home and read till it’s time for me to wake up and he would bring me a cup of coffee to wake me up ! dude, i miss you so fucking much !

the other day “not ross” boy commented “i want to grow old with you but honestly achievement unlocked” because when we just rolled up to petsmart, he (and i realized) that we are accidentally wearing pastel pink outfits. umm, not sure what i should feel, and am i in a relationship now ? aargh ! i don’t wanna be in a relationship (throws a tiny tantrum), i like being single and not having to interact with any of the relatives !? and also can i get a free house in florida ?

the boy is considerably younger than i and i have absolutely no issues with that but i still think he should sire some kids but he detests children. a handful of days ago, i was coming home having discovered entirely new route which not only cuts my commute by 10 mins (driving) but also takes me through crops and open fields and i get to see sunrise every day and i’m happy and blissful to breath in fresh air and watch the skies and sun; but i digress as usual, anyway, i saw some sky divers in one of the open fields and i mentioned this to the boy and he immediately wanted to go and jump. on one hand i’m envious because the day i was supposed to go and jump out of a plan was the day (valentine’s day) i found out that i was pregnant; but i’m like “boy, i’m thinking of making you the step-papa for my kitties” and he said he wouldn’t mind being a dad to them. but i am just looking for a step-dad for my kitties as my husband will always be their dad. anyways, the boy went and jumped and i sulked on the ground.

now that summer is over, i started on my fall / winter self-care. here are a few of favorites : spraying some lush eau-de-parfume or eau-de-toilette after my shower / putting on a clean bra / undershirt and feeling super clean / dressing up just to go to a favorite french cafe on the weekends, ordering a nice croissant and chocolate cake and eating it in a small park near my house / putting on my favorite songs and listening to them on my bed while drifting off to sleep / going to those used book stores and browsing all afternoon (also, i would love to be kissed by ze american boy in a book store) / wearing agent provocateur panties / having orgasms. often. / eating home made fruit salads  / drinking tea and watch leaves fall / after dinner, walking around my neighborhood with my music on and peering at people through their windows

buttons (featured in one of my photos) is currently in that extremely hyperactive-kitty-cat-play-fever mode where if he sits still he’ll die and the slightest move on my part is met with tiny bites and swats and scampering and ten-foot vertical leaps and this is somehow both heart-meltingly cute and aggressively annoying BECAUSE I WAS JUST SITTING HERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS PLEASE DO NOT SLAP ME SIR….

sir !

sIR !


my cats always make me a partner in their crimes. the other day after i got home and fed my kitties, and just after sundown, sonu was in super hyper crazy nocturnal predator bug-eyed mode and there i was indelicately lounging about on my bed, watching news or some other shit, and this boy just rocket launched himself face first in my no-fly zone. i literally got pussy slammed !

‘seize the day’ they say. and idid. i kept it in your eyes. those staring, unblinking, kind eyes. that poured with your love for me. i hid details of our conversations in your laughter. so that the next time you laugh by yourself you can taste this moment. the waves crashing over grey shores and taking with them the soft light of the sun setting over our lives. another day had passed. yet, that moment couldn’t be encompassed by time. it still remains untarnished in my memory. i go back to the ones i’ve left with to make me last for the rest of my days. i’m using the soul you’ve given me to last for another day. day after day. i didn’t know it was possible to yearn for something as much as i yearn for you. the way you looked up to me like i was the only one you wanted to talk to. how you already knew what i was thinking. how you shared with me your days like a way to seize the day, in my memory. till the time it fades like every frivolous thing. but i’m still holding on to the last flicker burning the candle wick, drowning under the september night. hoping the same sun rises once again.

minnu, sonu and the great outdoors !

is there any thing prettier than cats on leashes ?!?! my boys argue every weekend to let them out and when i do let them out, they run off when i blink for a second. so got leashes for my twin boys, and started training them to walk on leashes. over dramatic kitties as they are, they flopped about like fishies out of water, walked backwards, etc. but they finally figured out they can actually walk with the leashes on. my labor day weekend was completely dedicated to train my kids to walk on leashes. it’s actually fun because, now that fall is around the corner, i want to take them on walks in the hills and in the parks ! i hit a bit of a snag in my plan, as my two boys want to walk in different directions. for now i’m going on walks with one kid at a time (to end of my street that is) – so here are the kitties on leashes, feat. minnu (the striped tabby) and sonu (the very pretty midnight black boy) – so today’s walk was a bit short as it was bloody cold out and grass was wet ! my poor kitties’ feet were super cold, so i brought them back in 🙂



summer in the city


here’s my kitty girl petals, absolutely gorgeous and grateful. animals are so grateful when you attend to them and ease their pain and sickness. i have been showered with affection, once their fever, pain, feeling uncomfortable has left them. it actually pains me physically when they are ill, as they can’t tell me how much of a pain they are in and where exactly it hurts. so i think whatever money i spent on them, is worth it as long as they are well.

i love this song ‘summer in the city’ – i think it’s cool and applies to me in every way especially now in my present condition. but recently i found myself in american boy’s office (he has been a pest since a couple of weeks on a little matter which, in my opinion, was no big deal). but there i was sitting in front of him, and for the first time since i have known him, i was not actually annoyed as he has this knack of driving me up the wall. i was thinking of this song all the time i was speaking with him, even though, i completely forgot the lyrics, i finally realized i actually associate american boy with summer or vice versa.

when i’m sitting so close to him i can feel his breath i wonder if he knows i’m going to replay this moment in my memories for the next few moons or for the sound of his laugh is a sunday afternoon. his sparkling, devilish eyes make me delirious the witty, back-and-forth banter exhilarates me the sultry smile we secretly share is enough to convince my exalted mind to give it all up for more of this bittersweet paradise of lust and laughs where it’s so hard to read his charming words and clever spurs how could i ever decipher what this energy between us is (i’m content in my ignorance so long this ends in a kiss) every fiber in my body tells me i’m not allowed to feel anything for him but don’t they know that telling me i can’t makes me want to even more so much so that it (you) (this) consumes my every waking thought as he, calm and charm, play me like sport  but that’s just it even if i lose the final score the game was worth it. and more. but gosh, i love me orgasms on a regular basis & i can’t wait for him till he comes to his senses. lol,*wink*

so for the  boy’s sake i’ve been rewatching poldark series as he didn’t & also as the final season is upon me, i would like to refresh my memory of the storyline – i say this because, this weekend was quite hot and humid, and boy and i, tho briefly ventured out for a game of tennis, soon we locked ourselves indoors (my asthma flared up again and i’m yet again on another prednisone course). protagonist ross and his wife demelza are constantly going through these problems (if you watch it you know) & i have a little summary as well to fill you in. anyway, getting back to the point, the boy took a shining to demelza, and a week or so ago, after a night of marathon sex, i opened my eyes, turned to the boy as he was lying next to me in effulgent bliss, and the first words out of his mouth were, eleanor tomlinson (demelza poldark) has nice red hair, may be you should try red hair. now, i’m not a very jealous person, but what with my feminist thinking and all,  i would never change who i am even if i want to look dazzling. i wanted to slap him, but i believe in punishing people in a subtle ways, and so i started calling him ross (that’s not his name) and imitating demelza, i am currently going ‘yes ross’. ‘no ross’, ‘tis okay, ross’ and he is begging me to stop, but i think, i will continue for another couple of weeks.  

on poldark: i know this is a historical fiction set in 1800s in cornwall but is anyone else just getting sick of how flat the characters in poldark are becoming ? every single episode, no matter what ‘lessons’ they have learnt in other seasons, they just behave and interact in exactly the same way like they did in the past.

like, morwenna is always this meek crying girl (when she was with drake she was sad bc it wasn’t ‘correct’ that she loves a boy of a low-birth, when she was married she was sad because, obviously the man was a brute and a monster and a sex addict, then she was widowed and she was still sad, then she was free and got married and was still sad. i’m blogging because of my ptsd but she can have some range of emotions other than just being on verge of tears for every scene,

demelza is always complaining, playing victim and losing faith in ross or herself (despite multiple times them having the final ‘we love each other revelation. seriously, she has almost left him…what, four times now ?), oh dear god, give it a fucking rest.

ross is always being rash and making stupid decisions & at a drop of hat runs to his family home trenwith or to elizabeth thus enfuriating george, not that this ass needs an excuse to get his feathers ruffled about ross.

george (antagonist) is just always being evil, (was there actually any point to the whole madness thing if he is just going straight back to full force evil george again ? and dear god, george ! why are you so jealous of ross ?

dwight is just this voice of reason, even when he makes such stupid impulsive decisions like joining the navy on a whim etc….  caroline doesn’t even have enough screen time to be repetitive in any way

like i feel we are just watching these cogs turn round and round and nothing ever really changes or develops. any serious issues like death or ptsd seem to be stuck and then just swept under the rug and kind of ignored. the characters never learn. they never change.  may be humans never change no matter what age or how technologically we all develop. and don’t get me started on the whole tone of this season and how every ‘good character’ naturally has the modern view of opposing slavery completely and not being racist at all, even though this is the 1800′s… ugh.

i watched the second game of patriots (football season is upon us again lads) against titans because i had to record the game and surely when i was checking the score in between the poldark they were at 8 to titans 17 and this morning when i checked the score fully expecting them to have lost but, goddamn, they won ! my boys won and yes i know it’s just preseason but hotdamn !

well, i am off to bed and i love being asleep and i love being in bed but i hate going to bed because it requires so many small rituals and bedtime activities i wish i could just automatically transport myself into bed the moment i get sleepy already with my teeth brushed, in my pajamas, phone set down to charge, alarm set, entire body marinating in an artisanal mix of 24 herbs and spices and sealed in a sous vide bag, etc

bonne nuit !

anatomy of a cat mum

(with photos !!)

this weekend is gorgeous and on friday when i was coming home, i made plans to go to peddlers village for a peach festival. so saturday morning when i woke up, i decided i will go to church and come home, and then go to the peach festival. but of course, it wasn’t meant to be as my girl petal’s is constipated and i couldn’t bear to watch her suffering so i took her to the vet to get her going again (she got an enema) and this took care of my entire saturday.

hopefully sunday, i will try and get to the peach festival.

one of my boy cats, z pack (photo below), is incredibly sweet and wants nothing more than to be within a 2 ft radius of me at all times, gently chilling in my orbit. he is also very, very dumb and to make matters worse, i’m semi-positive that he is also deaf. (i say that because he was a rescue cat – actually i was blackmailed into taking him in by one of my church members – by telling me that if i don’t take him in, he would go to a shelter.) anyway, usually my boy cats are very very needy for their mum.

a couple of weeks or so ago, it was a slow lazy sunday morning so i was reading, not making much noise or moving about. meanwhile, z pack goes downstairs to stare out of the french doors and when he was done staring out, he sat at the bottom of the stairs, and he starts yowling like his lil heart broke. i jumped out of my bed and go to the top of the stairs all worried like, and wave my hands to attract his attention (remember he is deaf) and then asked him “z-pack, what’s wrong ?”

kitty zips back up the stairs and just oozes onto my feet, purring high-powered lawnmower style. when the realization hit me at once

this. boy. this itty bitty kitty boy !

he couldn’t see me for ten continuous seconds, forgot. i was actually home. and immediately burst into tears  !!!!


(z pack: i just took a shower & getting dressed (still naked) when he demanded he wanted cuddles)

indeed, my boy cats are dumb and needy little men. comparatively, the girl cats are super smart, to wit, i give them canned (fancy feast) food (one can per cat) on paper plates as i can’t be bothered with cleaning etc, some flavors are tastier, me thinks, than others as they lick their plates clean. because the paper plates are light, they tend to move away from the cats when they are licking up their food. so in one instance, i saw my kitty girl skittles weighted the paper plate down by putting her paw on it while my dumb kitty boys were chasing the plates about.

though they be stupid, they are velvety soft and excessively affectionate and they are all extra good made for hugging !

my cats still haven’t grasped certain things: showers are wet (the boys try and get into my shower while the girls circle thinking that i may be in danger of drowning) / thinking like a ninja doesn’t make one a ninja / my feet are friends and not chewy toys / clumsy fat kitties can’t fit behind anything expensive esp electronic devices as their mum doesn’t get extended warranties / biting is only nice when it’s mutually consensual / closets and cupboards are not that exciting / there are better places to nap other than my head / i have fed them not a few seconds ago / also, when i get up it’s not for feeding them / gravity always goes down ?? / people who don’t like cats should be left alone when they visit their mum

it is super hard to get a still photos of some cats more than others – for example sonu (below), he is completely in love with me, but he tries to hide it. he comes, sneaky like, when i’m lying down; he would look at me sneakily from the stairs when i am in the kitchen; but he wouldn’t let me take one good photo of him – i’ve so many photos but none great


(sonu: look how annoyed he looks !)

sunday: woke up late as usual a bit groggy as my night was disturbed with z pack sitting next to my head and purring with his high powered lawn mower purrs – that kid doesn’t understand that he should purr softly…  i let out minnu and sonu for a few minutes into my backyard as they love eating grass, but once i blinked he hopped into my neighbors yard and thank god i had my pants on and so i chased him a bit from my side of the fence wondering if i should wake my neighbor up when minnu got spooked and came back into the house. i think i probably won’t go to peach festival but instead will go to gym and work out a bit and may be after lunch go to chester valley trail for some hiking / walking and take in some nature. (bonus photos of buttons (orange), another kid who doesn’t let me hold him to take photos and minnu (the kitty who actually loves taking photos with me)


delicious living

this is how my summer is going  for me. on weekends or holidays, i’m usually a lovely mess waking up, late, with lots of summer to-do lists (not always able to complete them); after feeding kitties, moisturize and workout a little; i don’t always plan to leave the house, unless the sun and nature beckons me; i listen to the same old few songs on repeat; may be try a little new recipe; i spend way too much time in book stores, late summer night walks and summer selfcare; i try and leave my windows open but goddamn humidity y’all !

this friday i took off from work to go spelunking in central pa (penn caves), but by the time i took care of a few things, it was late and so off i went with the boy to some caves which were a bit closer. i love the coolness and the smells of these caves.  we had a little picnic under some trees – i bought a multigrain bread and a raspberry, citrus blossom cake in a french bakery. i’ve fallen off of the vegan wagon last month (july) and so i thickly coated my bread with butter and jam. we rolled around on the blanket eating cherries and grapes watching the clouds drift by. it was still humid but i was ok and when it became unbearable for me, we took off and cooled off in a restaurant and had some tea. in my opinion only a fool chooses to spend time surrounded by concrete and people. while in nature, there is wonderment, and magic !

i love you to the moon, the boy says and his words are my undoing as he whispers secrets with each syllable which just cuts through my skin and sinks deeper. his eyes continues to capture mine while he watches me purest affection. his touch makes my skin goosebumpy and tingles cascade through my body. so all the way to the moon and back (roughly about 9 hours) i was giddy with smiles and happiness. not sure yet but may be i can love him. i am not prepared to be ready for this love. but it feels wonderful and very gradual and grown up…

my brain is an amazing organ all by itself and it thoroughly entertains itself at my expense. i usually don’t dream a lot like some people do. dreams are the emotional resolutions of the days activities and converting them into long term memories. but my brains resolves in sitcoms ! i already reported the sitcom where i’m in a full-fledged relationship with the american boy and now i’m probably in episode 8 or 9. but here is a new sitcom my brain concocted. everyone who knows me a little, knows that i’m a francophile and i love all things french. a while ago i dreamt that i decided i would go to germany and that too i would take a train. and so off i go to germany, and then i take a train. i go to this café, have a coffee and then i decide i would stay at some boy’s apartment. and i roam this german city (not sure the name) on a local bus and then take the goddamn train back to us.

a week ago, my brain presented me with episode 2 of this sitcom i call “train to germany”. this is a bit of a horror episode. i end up getting into a roman theatre like place where there are a group of youngsters are making fun of this person (a man) and he was serving all of us some coffees and cakes. i seem to be not a part of the group but i was offered coffee anyway but i don’t drink it. then i realize that the group became unconscious one by one and at that moment, i realize the doomed situation i was in and i just get up and walk away and this guy doesn’t pay any attention to me at all but he starts hacking at them. so i walk away fast and not sure what my intentions were but i don’t seem to be looking for police or anything.. so i walk and look around and hop on a bus but then i realize this bus is going to take me past this amphitheater and my heart starts pounding because i know that guy may be there and he may recognize me and come after me… i look at the theatre while the bus was going and he was doing to a puppet theatre with these people (and i can clearly see the blood on their clothes) and there ends my dream as i wake up with terror.. what the fuck brain ? ! ?

i have watched a couple of movies on netflix and a series called “another life”. nothing exceptional but i thought that “another life” is a collection of b-rate stars but the storyline was kind of unique and so i sat and watched it while giggling to myself.

i started reading the book “jude, the obscure” by thomas hardy. this would be a great spot to introduce “inspector morse” series and john thaw who acted as morse. the new series endeavour is about baby morse when he started off as a police sergeant.  anyway, morse seeded my love for classical music and because of him i got into opera and symphonies. it’s remarkable how i learn(t) a lot about stuff which molded my personality because of characters from books and tv shows (esp britcoms) – oh the reason why i am rambling about this was this book i am currently reading was because morse was reading this in some episode. lol

also on tumblr i recently came across this photo of a cuneiform clay tablet dated about 1750 bc from the ancient babylonian city of ur (abraham’s city) which was in essence a complaint about the delivery of a wrong grade of copper. i mean it’s in essence babylonian era problems; i mean how pissed should you be to sit and etch on a clay tablet !

and i further researched about it and i found out a couple of additional facts which illuminates the true hilarity of the situation and the merchant’s name was ea-nasir

he wasn’t just into copper trading. there are letters complaining about ea-nasir’s business practices with respect to everything from kitchenwares to real estate speculation to second-hand clothing. the guy was everywhere.

the majority of the surviving correspondences regarding ea-nasir were recovered from one particular room in a building that is believed to have been ea-nasir’s own house.

like, these are clay tablets. they’re bulky, fragile, and difficult to store. they typically weren’t kept long-term unless they contained financial records or other vital information (which is why we have huge reams of financial data about ancient babylon in spite of how little we know about the actual culture: most of the surviving tablets are commercial inventories, bills of sale, etc.).

but this guy, this ea-nasir, he kept all of his angry letters – hundreds of them – and meticulously filed and preserved them in a dedicated room in his house. what kind of guy does that? i mean, in a way we should all strive for the passive aggressiveness and pettiness of ea-nasir ! #goals !!

i can’t believe july is finally finally over.. for me it felt like a whole year.. i knew this summer would be long and heavy cause i am waiting for something critical and life changing in the fall, but i didn’t realize july would be so very dicey ! i’m trying to make a difference in august. last month, and i know this month, will be hard. the weather is killing me. apparently, heat and humidity don’t mix well with asthma. that’s hard for me because i have always loved summer. this is the first year ever that i said i can’t wait for winter. i don’t mind cold and it also bothers me re. asthma. i have stopped recording what i am eating but i am eating healthy which is good. but i have slacked a bit but need to get back on schedule. i have almost have a plan to avoid getting into asthmatic episodes and thus avoid taking prednisone. on one hand, i have not yet gotten rid of the fat which i put on from the past two courses of prednisone.

in the crimson blush of the day, i’m suddenly reminded of all the bubbling dreams on our shoulders. all the well-meaning promises and the constellation of tomorrows resting in our hands. do you sometimes feel yourself full of moonlit hopes ? in the violet night, i feel unafraid. that somehow i can stretch my arms to wrap around the world and find homes in even the darkest corners. sometimes, the seemingly endless sky makes me believe in people with forest green eyes and a laugh dripping with rivers of sunlight. i think if i search farther enough, i can find the air shaking and parting to bring me beautiful truths and people with soft-intentions. the truth is, nothing is for certain. but maybe if we blow enough candles and wish on enough dandelions, maybe we can keep watering all the rosy and hopeful hearts.

31/07/2019 – cuddles

cats, caffeine, & sweatpants

it’s been a while since i updated and tonight is truly a perfect night. it’s been raining all through the day and i stayed home today as humidity & my lungs are not friends and yesterday when my chest tightened, i knew i probably should stay home, sure enough this morning when i woke up, i started wheezing. so i stayed and watched rain pour down. i kept my window slightly open, letting the sounds of pittering rain, rumbling thunder, and the occasional rush of tires on the wet street into my room to tickle my ears. i wish i had a window seat with lots of pillows that i could sit on and drink tea and read books and watch the rain, but lounging in sweatpants, surrounded by cats and drinking coffee is also wonderful. most of the evening i was sitting hunched over an open notebook, scrawling furiously (messily), losing my mind to research, and surrounded by my kids sleeping around me, my eyes getting distracted, bouncing back and forth between the small, luminous reading light and the ever-so-frequent flash of lightning. eerie music that is somehow soothing plays as background sensory intake. a dark, lonesome, fulfilling night. life is cool sometimes.

oh my lil peanut is at a wild life sanctuary as i soon realized if i were to keep her alive i have to feed her like every hour on the hour as she eats like a bird (#sidelook) and as much as i would like to keep her, it’s a fulltime job. on the top of it, couple of my boy cats started showing symptoms of urinary tract infection, which is quite dangerous for boy cats as their urethra is so narrow, & they could get blocked just like that and so i really needed to pay attention. so i drove her down to the wild life center and gave her up and luckily for her they also have other fledglings as a family so, i’m sure she is in good hands.

the first or second week of june i came down with flu which was not fun at all as i had respiratory distress and grumblingly i took another course of prednisone which makes me ravenous and pads on more fat. it’s kind of losing battle at this point i think, and i should just give up and eat all the goddamn pastries and become 400 pounds and die…. but then again, if i die, who would care for my kids ? it’s a catch-22 situation.

anyway, so there i was, full of flu and prednisone, feeling sorry for myself, when i was invited to speak on alzheimer’s to a bunch of young adults and it was like a life line. i felt so goddamn good as there is nothing in the entire world which makes me happy as when someone recognizes my intelligence !

so as the day is fast approaching, (july 16) i am working on my talk. before my life took a plunge into the abyss, i was enrolled in doctoral program working on alzheimer’s and if things worked out the way i planned, i would have finished my phd and either would have been working for academia or would have worked on starting my own company with the help of some investors.

anyway, i am super excited to use my brains for this talk and am grateful for this opportunity, a few changes are about to come in to my life, but this is cool.

to add to the list of men i am dating, now am dating a frenchie (from vienna) as well and not a true frenchie but oh well… close enough ! so my social life is quite full but my sex life is at a halt which is really sad as i really need to get fucked thoroughly ! my boy sandalwood (we are now at an impasse for reasons) is ready to “sacrifice his morals” (his words) and is willing to service me sexually. i may take up on his offer, but i’m currently distracted with other things and i’m not yet quite desperate for a fuck.

what a change a year makes ! last year at this time, i was in a different house which was not well regulated weatherwise and when weather is the way it is right now, like super humid, we felt it as the house was drafty and it didn’t make any difference even when the air conditioner was running. i am thankful to god for his blessings and giving us this.  my cats assumed the breadbox position (it’s a bit chilly) as the thermostat stays at 65 because of humidity.

over the july fourth weekend (also known as independence day) i partied hard and why not ? been to a friend’s wedding and hiked (panting heavily because of humidity and taking multiple doses of albuterol) – frenchie and i went to lake and paddled about a bit, and sun bathed topless and my boobs are now sunburnt; while we were having lunch, he was like, may be next time, we should fish. and i went, have you met me ? and oh i had to add eggs into my diet as on july 2nd i almost fainted and stayed dizzy for most of the day which i associated with not getting enough iron, hence no oxygen (i’m already asthmatic & anemic). i probably have to get some iron supplements but eggs are handy for now.

the coop girls and i have a special bond. and i was chatting with the indian one and as i mentioned before, i have a special bond with that girl because we think alike and i feel like she is my daughter. she was adopted. when you are growing up in india, there are things which we as girls do and even though i was never keen on makeup & clothes in fashion sense, but peer pressure has some say in my life, like i was pushed into beauty contests (i went to all girls school) even though i didn’t sign up for them and winning and teasing boys of some company from my classroom window (not very proud of these things) and etc. but i religiously did somethings like self care with indian traditional beauty regimen and natural ingredients. i stopped doing that after my husband’s passing. so she was asking about something and i stated teaching her various face masks and about skin care and i am so happy to pass my knowledge to her (as i would to my daughter) and i told her she needs to do a beauty regimen starting now if she wants to look like she is in her twenties even when she was 5000 years old and also to never ever get into sun. ever ! lol talking to her about all these things is actually giving me motivation to shed my blues and start to take care of myself.

i find the quickest way to happiness is self-acceptance, self-reflection and self-care because the second you become honest with yourself about yourself, you’re open to change and the ability to adapt, in my opinion, is the best way to have this consistent source of happiness enter my life

yes, i still have problems with maintaining happiness, and there are days (even now) i just want to end it or get back to self harming. but i am aware that happiness is still there blinking away like a spark. maintaining hope if the key and once you become hopeless, we are done. being hopeful keeps us going, and if you want to see things through, if you really want to see a smile on your face, keep going

love, the kind you don’t have left for myself, because i have spent so many years giving it all away; have you ever played any zelda type games? you have to use your sword to break vases or to cut the grass for hearts to restore your health. good health requires work. if you really want to improve, you need patience. everything takes time and this is the mantra we should remember,

i don’t care if we have to wake up every single day for the rest of our lives and just stare into the mirror and sigh a small i love you, it’ll work. it’s better than making ourselves feel miserable for something that we did three years ago. we are the same anymore. i’ve changed, you’ve changed. i’ve grown from whatever it was that held me back for so long.  keep telling myself, don’t give your past another inch of your future. control that shit. happiness awaits.