for you a thousand times over…

december 12, 2018

my relationship with american boy is in full swing i.e., in my dreams. i have been dreaming a series of episodes since my last post, in fact, the very night i posted, i had dreamt of him and being in relationship with him. when i woke up the next day, i smiled and giggled out loud at the absurdity, but that day, i actually was deliriously happy; like a high you get when you take drugs. but as it happens with drugs, i eventually crashed down to reality. it made me a bit sad but i wasn’t sure what i should do. but then, again, i had another dream and i picked it up from where my first dream left off and continued on. so in summary, i now have a fullfledged relationship with him and we have two girls and one or two boys in our very “normal” family where i was wearing indian dresses and acting like a “girl”. the second time it happened, i was like “ew brain, it’s fucked up and let’s not do that again”, but my brain continued to dream. so now i am on fifth of episode of my “relationship” and i can’t wait to find out what happens in season finale. i had considered a relationship with him but in spite of my deep feelings for him and my friends encouraging me to “get him” i am not sure if we are a good match and i suspect i may end up dumping him in a few days. our differences, to name a few, are very apparent. i am family oriented, and my kids are my priority and i think, he loves parties and travels and while i do love traveling, one sniffle from my kids, i would drop everything and stay back. our travel destinations will be quite different as well. i would probably end up in the amazonian jungles and climbing through incan and mayan ruins, and traversing through egyptian pyramids, cursing at every step of the way and gasping for air and hating the insects, heat and humidity, but i know i would love that experience and i would be the first person to buy a ticket to moon or mars, and i will have a full blown anxiety attack during my trip to moon but i will sit there eating restoril pills to calm the fuck down.  but for now, these dreams of mine are a nice distraction, as i halted my love life for now unable to fully commit to sandalwood. and i am thoroughly enjoying these dreams of mine, while being careful not to bleed my dreams into reality and shock the fuck out of the american boy by saying something totally inappropriate for the work environment. i guess spending time with him would be like…

to see a world in a grain of sand,
and heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour.
~ william blake

hello there december ! the month of snow, lights and feasts and warmth ! december arrived with warmth but then turned gloomy, blue and transparent. it was icy cold, and my asthma was exasperated. all i want to do is rest and rest and jut sit about doing nothing but read and relax.  after going through a lot of misery, got myself an asthma specialist and he started testing me for allergies and lo and behold, i am allergic to all the 48 allergens in his panel. those ranged from cats (yes), dogs, rabbits, pheasants, dust, pollen, grass, egg shells and some other stuff…. interesting, i thought, that i am still alive ! well, as long as i don’t develop allergy to oxygen i should be good i am thinking. who knows, it’s too soon to speculate as i have a few more years left in me.

for you a thousand times over…. i started rereading “the kite runner” as i am missing my home town. but i was traumatized the first time i read it. i completely immerse myself in the books i read and i almost become a part of that book. so i remember vividly when i read that book, i was lying on my belly on my bed, with pillow tucked under my boobs and the book spread on the mattress, my hands under my chin, smiling into the book, and roaming the afghan hills and streets with these two friends, eating imaginary dried mulberries, flying imaginary kites and reliving my halcyon days when i did that as a child – especially flying kites in tournament. the preparation which went into the kite strings. we collected glass shards and cacti for glue and made a pulp of ground glass and cacti and applying it on the string, so it’s sharp and we can cut the other kids’ kites. and so i was reading on, frowning at the bullies and all of a sudden i felt as though someone punched me hard in my stomach, making me totally breathless, when i read that the boy got raped. i was stunned, and tears welled up uncontrollably and i sobbed into my pillow as though i lost someone i loved. i closed the book and walked away and didn’t resume reading it for about a few weeks.

and at another time, i was watching this really passive movie. there was no particular storyline and it might as well be a regular life event. i remember, i was lying across my bed, with my legs resting against the wall and it was a sunday, and it was raining and i just did some stretching exercises on my bed and i had no particular interest in the movie, and the movie was just pleasant with no excitement – oh it’s called “a japanese story”, an australian film, and i was actually mildly enjoying it; like one would while going through some farmland in a car, not stopping, but just enjoying the scenery. and then, fuck ! the boy in the movie dies just like that and i was totally stunned and it left a bad taste in my mouth. i didn’t cry but i was just stunned. it brought out nightmares and the ghosts of my life. same deal with the movie “the bridge to terabithia”.

i mean these are also memories i suppose which i wouldn’t forget in a hurry but i am sure i can live without them.

wordless wednesdays…  it’s been a handful of quiet blissful days, pressing emotions into the lines of my palm to remember to share with you later. no matter how much sleep i get, i can’t seem to wake up in the morning, and my heart’s weird lately, & all of my bones crack whenever i move… so being the intelligent person that i’m, i’ve decided i’ve arthritis & probably i’m dying soon 🙂

i have mapped out a smart future for myself and my kitties… and i am working way too hard, physically and emotionally draining myself. all of this feels so big, so on the goddamn cusp, so right on the edge of this uncomfortable place i have returned to, surrounded by people i’ve no common threads with, but for you & me, our knots that tether us are tied in different places; my love stems from collecting & creating, so this is me stumbling blindly into this winter, this silent preparation for what is to come when i show up at your door & i’m once again giving myself to something that i once felt terrifying but now provides a comfort, a gentle murmur in the silences between us, here we go, here we go, here we go.

november

shout out to my nipples which tell me when it’s cold out. today the weather changed and we got sleet and slush and there was three inches of snow. it snowed/sleeted all day long and it was supposed to rain by the time we got out of work. but when i walked out, it was still sleeting and i was slipping and sliding and even when i was on dry ground, i almost slipped and this lil old woman was telling me, “i almost slipped three or four times and i am old so i am slipping” and i said, “i don’t think it makes any difference whether one is old or young when it comes to slipping”. so my troubles with commute were not done as i made way into an ocean of people on the subway platform and someone came on the overhead speakers and said someone fell on the tracks and we all groaned. and then there came another train and we all got into that one, the train car crammed to the gills with people, and we were all in our winter coats and the train was blowing warm air and i wanted to remove my coat, but there was no space to even move. through the speakers, the conductor was telling us “they are trying to clean the tracks” and everyone in the car went “eww” as just before his announcement, i informed my fellow passengers that some bastard jumped on the tracks and i am sorry that someone thought of committing suicide in this way, but i just want to go home to my babies. [recently i had to make a harsh decision to put another kid down because his heart failed him. he is/was my baby orange and such a sweet and a quiet gentlecat. love you sweetheart ! (3/23/2003-11/9/2018)]

after what seemed like ages, the american boy finally returned from his travels and while my raging feelings calmed the fuck down a bit due to my asthma flares and other stuff, it was good to hear him talking very excitedly about absolutely nothing (other than his talks on sports). also a day or two ago, i went to give him his mail and he is like did you read this and i said, no, should i; so he went, well there are some articles, to which i replied, give that back to me when you are done and he just smiled coyly and i got the gist of it – i walked away telling him that his smile speaks volumes (he doesn’t read the journals obviously, as his smile made it apparent) i am a very intellectual & philosophical person, and i’m incapable of talking about small things like weather and so my conversations quickly turn into either a teaching moment for the other person or a very grounded philosophical discussion. so i enjoy these moments listening to someone getting excited about common things and talking about absolutely mundane shit because it’s like cleansing my brain palate or flossing my brain.

recently this bitch at work completely pissed me off and i usually don’t get angry that easily but there i was goddamn furious. there is a snake in our department whom i loathe and detest; she is the very evil, and spreads negativity and has really dark sense of humor and her nasally voice grates on my nerves and i’m sure she got no friends and not sure how she can live like that and while i feel compelled to feel christian sympathy towards her, i am no christ and she fucking makes me vomit just by existing; and it’s not just me but she even rubs my boss the wrong way and a couple of other people. but my boss, puts up with this person and i am like why ? if i were in her shoes, i would fire that person without even bothering to look back. but i am learning from my boss and i decided, i will play this goddamn game as i have an iq of 173 and i’m convinced this voldemort has an iq in single digits as it’s made apparent in her foolishness to cross my path. anyway, i will update you once i squished her into the ground. my friend brian giggles because i keep making snarky comments on this person.

contrast to this experience, there are young girl co-ops in my department which lift up my spirits (mustn’t forget tim here who sends snarky humorous responses to my emails because you gotta have humor in life because if not, it’s not worth living and tim’s sense of humor makes me giggle) and i think unwittingly i became their mum at work. i love these girls as they are smart and full of dreams and i am thankful to god for the opportunity to have a small consolation and a chance to teach and pass on my “motherly” wisdom to these girls.  they are very quiet and passive and i’m teaching them to be vocal and be confident. one of the girls and i are planning to may be go into real estate investing as we both found out through one of our many conversations, that we have much in common in terms of dreams. we probably start working on them sometime next year.

i also started ‘straightening’ the others in my company and some men who think they can override me just because they are men. i mean they are respectful to me but dismiss me quickly for whatever reason. for example, they check with me something and i usually answer if i know or i will get back to them once i do some research and find out and i observed that they would go to tim to verify and once i was right there and i put that person in place in front of tim and told him off very politely. i may be a girl/woman but i don’t bend that easily. i will stare people down and started stripping off their chauvinism gently but firmly.

i have been driven to insanity with people’s limited vocabulary. and to my dismay, i’m also picking up this bad habit. the use of the word “like” in conversations and as a gap filler is the recent said insanity driver; this morning i was riding the elevator up and down, for many reasons and the people around me were using this word to no end and i wanted to scream stop. my impatience may also be something to do wit my asthma flare today. i ran to catch my trolley and i almost passed out. this after taking 4 puffs of my inhaler. either my inhaler is not actuating medication or it’s not effective.

i keep seeing this woman during my commute and she wears the same dress every day.  and no it’s not a uniform. and she wears slippers.  i’m still trying to figure out if i should ask her if she has any warm clothes/shoes as i want to buy some for her, but i think i must wait a bit more to make sure she is not poor as i am thinking she may be. there’s another woman who does the same as well, but again, i must wait.

i have been thinking of getting contacts as i keep seeing this boy on my transit who reads on the train and he wears this nice smile and though he has glasses, i think he has both sorts of vision so it works for him to wear glasses all the time. but i have reading glasses and so i am thinking of getting contacts, so i can read books and smile into my books and also show off my sexy black eyes :p but someone told me there may not be contacts just for reading…. curses !

i love reading and love learning history because sometimes you learn little things that’s not widely known just like how beethoven’s für elise (for elise) was actually made for one of his students named therese and he was in love with her. she was a mediocre piano player so he made a melody so easy that even she could play it and impress people and hence the very iconic tune in the beginning, but then he finds out that she was engaged to a different man and so beethoven basically made the other parts so that she can never play it and if that’s not petty culture then idk what is.

my boys patriots lost last game and warriors (basketball) lost couple of games in a row and tonight warriors are playing against rockets (last year they almost lost to rockets and as i write this, they are getting thumped by rockets – yikes). i was explaining to my friend tom that the reason why i like tom brady (patriots qb) is because he gets angry when he loses without getting angry at his team mates or the rival team, but he gets angry at himself for not being good enough and i identify with him. i still don’t think he is sexy.

oh a boy who asked me out a while ago, texted me recently and said “i am 30 now and i would like to take you out for dinner”. i did tell him to get back to me once he is 30 because he was around 28 when he asked me out. so initially i told him sunday night, thinking that patriots are playing in the afternoon and when i found out that the game was at 4 pm or later than that, i told him i will not be able to go as i have to watch a game and he apparently is also for philadelphia teams and he said negative things about my boys and so i made him wait another week and then when i actually went to have dinner with him, i wore my patriots hoodie… and we went to this spanish / catalan restaurant and while the restaurant was full of people and no room to move, and it was noisy (god, americans are loud) but the food was divine.

november is almost over. the winds have turned icy and the last of the leaves are dropping off of the trees. god is painting the evening skies with november’s grays and blues and burnt ambers and into beautiful arrangement of clouds and pastel colors. i’m in awe and lost in the luxurious deconstruction of nature. who knew, that there is so much beauty in the destruction of nature.

it’s late and we lie in beds miles apart. but my thoughts are still with you and i think about loving you. “love is a verb. love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions.” don’t base your relationship around feelings. feelings come and go like the wind. love is a choice. as you develop the relationship and nurture it through loving them, you will be rewarded with the feelings of love. basically- i want you to know that you have a choice as to whether or not you’re a slave to your emotions. decide to take control and respond accordingly to values, instead of circumstances. one day i wake up and realize i’m completely and utterly happy, blissful even, and i know that this feeling derives from my significant other. feelings are what give color to life and experiences and i should not shut them out completely. i scan through my memories and i think its okay to express my emotions if it shows that i am living and caring; as socrates had advised: know thyself, pursue everything in moderation.

also, happy birthday jace… i love you and i’m getting closer to forgive you.

waiting to exhale

today felt a lot like being roughed up in a flight turbulence and getting assaulted on all the senses. like the sky swallowed me whole and brought me back to ages past when my heart was still there. i’m not sure what all this means. but maybe sometimes it’s better to remain uncertain. sometimes i look up at the night sky and all its twinkling bright stars and remember that i’m really just a speck in the universe.  and we all have that in common. and that somewhere, someone is feeling lost too and wondering which direction to head next.

do you remember the time when you read a piece from proust’s “remembrance of things past” ? “…one of those mornings, early in november, when in paris, if we stay indoors, being so near and yet prevented from witnessing the transformation scene of autumn, which is drawing so rapidly to a close without our assistance, we feel a regret for the fallen leaves that becomes a fever, and may even keep us awake at night.”

it’s autumn. it’s november. it’s getting to the time of the year when i love the most; when i loved you the most; the times with you; the time when we would sit outside in the cold for hours, with bare feet but snuggling in blankets, feeling warm and clutching each other; telling each other secrets and giggling softly into the night air. if you were here, i would tell you things that i had always been too afraid to form the words to say; that i’m so unhappy since you have been gone; that there were times when i wanted to cut shapes into my arms and that i feel so juvenile and stupid most of the time. i remember that there wasn’t a sound in the world but that of your breath by my left ear as we sat, speech abandoned for something greater.

i want to cry because i always feel so vulnerable and weak now a days. i want to cry because i’ve never been so hurt in my life, i want to cry because i didn’t deserve to have to fight these battles, and i didn’t deserve to have any battles at all, i want to cry because i would have floated through life unscathed, always smiling with you; i want to cry because there was nothing i wouldn’t do to hold you one more time and i would squeeze you so tightly that neither of us could breathe; even though, everything was so silent and cold, we were so warm and so in love.

and now? after all these years later, in the same temperatures, same clothing, whispering like an inpatient with a ghost in my closet; still in bare feet and still cold and clutching, this time at myself in these blankets.

i’ve been holding my breath for such a long time and my hands clenched into fists, too scared to breathe deeply and too scared to exhale. but i think, there are some better days ahead of me, ahead of us (i mustn’t forget my cats, must i ?) i think we can ease up and move ahead without this feeling of doom in my heart. i still feel sad though and i think i may breakdown and sob inconsolably when that time actually comes. but this time, i know you won’t be there to gather me into your chest.

the other day, sandalwood and i were aimlessly driving around, looking at the fallscape and leaves changing colors and then suddenly i came across a house which looked like that which we (julien & i) used to dream of. at least from outside it looks like that. i am thinking of checking it out, because as luck would have it it’s for sale. i’m excited and i want to see if i can buy it. if i do, i may have to replant the garden i started as a memory for jace, but i think this is the place, i want to settle in. i’m slowly coming to a place where i can exhale and unclench my fists. slowly and cautiously, i don’t feel doomed at all. i’ve even started to dream again softly and slowly. i’m making plans in spite of my own objections and i’m pulling myself ahead kicking and screaming because i don’t want to venture out. i feel a little wilted, a little faded because my youthful dreams have been stolen. i would blame someone if i could. this evening i came home and over dinner, talked to my cats about the plans i have for us; these plans don’t involve anyone else at all. at least for now. it’s just god, my cats and me. i’ve been waiting so long to exhale and even though i see the moment on the horizon, it’s not here yet. and i am getting restless and impatient. but may be tomorrow, or in a month, or two ! soon, soon, i’ll exhale….

allegory of the cave

whisper something beautiful to me. i’ve always wanted my life explained like a scientific paper published in nature with five figures. nature doesn’t allow more than 5 figures. so it would have been quite helpful if my life can be explained like that and with conclusions and what future direction i should go.

i’m a little wounded now. it sucks you know. one would think that as you grow older one would know how to manage feelings and a broken heart. i have gone round the world in a circle and ended up at square 1. do you ever get that malaise where you just feel utterly lonely ? i’m always alone, but i don’t often feel lonely. being alone is not necessarily a bad thing; it’s like when you visit a museum and you see something profound. i often feel that. everyone around me is moving, bustling, giggling and here i’m caught up in something; like all of a sudden everything is calm and there i have it. the moment of clarity in all that chaos which is otherwise my life. my life can best be explained by plato’s allegory of the cave, because i often feel like i’m trapped in my own life.  being physically and emotionally alone is something i’ve gotten used to it after julien’s and jace’s passing and i even started feeling good about being alone. listening to music, while running around in my underwear, keeping my head down, and smiling at strangers… odd feeling and different but good.

life is cruel. and the darkness in me isn’t seen, it’s only felt. i carry it like my shadow and it became invisible. but it takes a form when i remember. when autumn boy had that conversation with me, what i pushed into shadows came out. all the darkness which i push down, deep down in my heart, got loose and it came out. nostalgia… it’s delicate and potent. it breaks me and cripples me. nostalgia means the pain from an old wound. it’s a twinge in my heart far more powerful than memory alone. a feeling of a time, i ache deeply to go again.

but this may be a good thing because, i think i somehow eased into something with autumn boy, like a boundary was crossed and at least standing on the same level. maybe. or maybe i broke in to him or broke the wall which i put up. i’m still wary because he is a sorcerer and he spins his silvery web. like a spider he knits a spell and his magic. my darling, my darling, my blue-eyed boy… you made july sorrow-filled and lovely, and you made october lonely and you made every month in between beautiful hell.

but i keep thinking about being sincere and honest with myself. and the solution became clear, like the things the color blue brings to life. melancholia brings beautiful poetry out of me; for fuck sake, i literally glow… my dreams keep asking me “how did you survive”.. i answer hesitatingly “i’m able to pickout patterns one can’t detect” but i wish i didn’t survive.

i have been having lengthy conversations with sandalwood for the past few days. i wasn’t that keen on marriage in the first place because he is awfully younger than i’m and i think, he would be better off without me. he doesn’t see it that way (#facepalm) and while i enjoy his company deeply (and the sex is great), i halted the wedding plans for now. and yesterday we both went for a car ride in the evening… did i tell you, i like to speed ? but yesterday for the first time, i drove on pa turnpike. first time because i hate turnpikes. no life and no activity. i love driving on country roads. you don’t know what you get. a pothole or a deer or squirrel resting on the middle of the road. i get to drive through small towns and villages, and farmlands and simple life.

while driving, a-ha’s “take on me” came on the radio, and i was already doing 80 mph, and when this song came on, i floored the accelerator, screaming the song at the top of my lungs into the night air, while dancing in my seat and sandalwood laughing and saying that i have lost it.

autumn paints in colors, summer could get jealous of. the sunset was spread over in the evening sky, making the clouds blush and bloom into beautiful roses.

we hiked till it’s a bit dark and was getting cold; we both wanted to have sex, but then we realized my cell phone’s battery is almost gone, because the charger in my car wasn’t charging, his was on ½ life and we have no clue where we were and when it’s dark everything looks the same and we were in the middle of nowhere. here i should tell you a funny time. julien and i were at a ski resort in utah, he wanted to ski and i tried to learn and after having bum black and blue, i gave up. So one day we drove to yellow stone national park and we camped there and we were happily having sex in the back of our suv, when a bear came through the front and julien (naked and all) jumped out and trying to drag me out and i was frantically looking for my pants and not moving; he was so upset and he kept yelling the bear doesn’t care about me being naked… i finally found my pants and pulled them on but by that time, the bear got bored and left.

work is cool as usual. my boss gave me good news and i’m chuffed about it. i stayed home today to work on a few projects. my boss gets paranoid when i take off as she thinks that i may leave and now a days even tim started on it. when i informed him i won’t be in, he is like you are coming in the tomorrow right ? i told him that he is getting paranoid as well. i like conversations with him because he is genuine. and humble. he is good for my intellect and to keep me laughing. his humor is subtle. he thinks his humor is dry and i explained to him that his humor is subtle, like ‘frasier’ (tv show) or like britcoms and only people with more than two neurons would get that sense of humor.  for that matter both my boss and tim make me laugh. a lot.

i have been away from gym and i can see myself getting bloated what with the steroids. now i have to go back and be studious about it.

last sunday my colleague from work and i went to watch patriots game at this sports bar. and here’s the thing. i actually called them up to ask if they are airing and the said yes. so we go there to find out, no audio or no closed captions and we talked to the manager, the hostess, the waiters and no dice. the bar is airing eagles game (philadelphia) on every other tvs with audio on the bar speakers and closed captions. i can’t fathom their logic and we both left and i wrote a nasty review on yelp. i’m usually nice even when people are evil, but yea, not this time. the cherry on this pie was eagles lost (and in a most bizarre and unbelievable way) while patriots won.

i went out this evening to get gas and this song came on “if you like pina colada” and for a change, i was actually paying attention to the lyrics because i usually tune out songs i don’t like and let my brain make up stories in general. i’m not sure, but i think this song is about adultery. and in the song, the couple who tried to commit adultery is not actually acknowledging it. i was like that can’t be right, is it ?

my cat, winter is quite a conversationalist when the mood strikes him. he is now in my bed, talking away. he is one of those cats, who actually answers to your questions and i have been racking my brain to figure out how best i could explain plato’s allegory of the cave to him as i think that’s how my life has been going and he is a good listener and he would also help me in his own way to figure things out, so i bid you all good night and will now go and have this philosophical discussion with him.

hollow echoes…

unbelievable how fast the time goes. it feels like october just made an appearance, like yesterday, and here we are almost at the end of this month.

this week was a bit hard, you guys, in spite of all my favorite teams won and i’m afraid i’ve forgotten again how to be happy. i know sadness, i know fear, i know longing and anxiety and despair. i am always trying to be content but you know happiness is a choice and well, everything is heavy now. i’m weighed down and i can do nothing.

living is just not enough – one must have kittens, books and flowers; i was always trying to fill in gaps and wide open spaces left behind by all those people i loved before and i kept drifting in between what it means to find the one person that can mean everything, sweep me off my feet in a rush of falling in love too soon and getting caught in the net of potential.

we all have stories and sometimes we can’t face the truth and we are not honest.

what i am trying to say is, i forgotten to be sincere with myself. i thought that it’s tangible and raw, picked from the sleeve where i carry my emotions on, but i’m not sure.

i have remainders and reminders from my story; figurative paper cuts, dog-eared memory holders, a little smudge of tears. my story is clumsily written and sometimes it’s difficult; sometimes a handful of pills and a glass all empty; sometimes a razor and thin red lines on my inner thighs. my words stumble and slip but there are still details in my breaths and syllables. even though my thoughts are inconsistent, my head is not concise, and my sense is irregular, i try my best to make my words genuine. after all, a true story isn’t told; it’s felt.

i need to keep grounded, even when my head is in the clouds. i have to stay honest with myself. i need to remain humbled. i keep fighting and all through my life, i keep hearing myself telling me, that i’m not “deserving” or “valuable.”

if you listen closely enough, you can hear when a life breaks. it’s 8776 days since julien passed away. it’s 1618 days since jace passed. everyone thinks that it’s the initial pain that hurts the most when someone dies.

they’re wrong.

it’s the missing that leaves your teeth aching, the trembling fingertips when all you want is to press the call button on your phone, the time when you realize that there are things they will never live through. it’s sitting across the dinner table and saying “there’s nothing more that i want than what is impossible to become possible again.” it’s the 14th of every month. it’s the 23rd of every month. it’s those moments where you just need to share when you see a cute kitty photo or what to do when you’re angry at something or someone. it’s that never ending desire to talk to them every day. trying to remember what my last conversation was and what i should have said instead.

but the hardest thing, the most painful, is that the sadness will never go away; it will only subside and fade. and living with constant sadness hurts more than anything else.

but you know what ? i sing anyway.

it’s up to me to make memorable moments so i can lean on. life is not measured in number of breaths i take, but in moments which take my breath away.

to the ‘autumn-boy’

he kept explaining to me cleverly & cunningly that he knows “autumn” as a name for girls but never “octopus”. i stood there explaining that he was mistaken that i ever said that, while completely floored at his cleverness & slyness in inserting hidden messages into an impromptu conversation and then proceeding to tell me things which i try and hide. if i were to do something like that i probably would have drafted out a conversation, rehearsed it in front of a mirror and would have made awkward attempts to direct the other person to my scripted conversation and then failing miserably.

but here is the thing. as brilliant as his conversational masterpiece was, what good is that to me ? what the fuck do i do with that piece of information ? i guessed as much that i didn’t quite managed to hide my feelings and then there was that time, when he turned around and ran away from me screaming when he thought i’m about to confess.

every time i am around the autumn boy, i keep falling in love with him and i keep wanting to stay and linger, just a little bit longer. i keep telling myself that i have a secret that nobody knows. it starts in my heart and consumes me as a whole. i store it deep down and i always find myself in two minds wanting to spill and not wanting to share. and praying that one-day i might feel whole. it makes me sigh softly, groan silently and makes my eyes sparkle with tears. it eats away at all my feelings, until i become numb and cold as a steel. layers of frost on my heart, feeling lost and feeling old. if he ever knows my secret i would want him to know that i love him still and that i will watch him from afar and with care. and i’ll send my kisses through the sweet air.

my moments with you are bittersweet. they keep me happy, making me think of what we could have, and making me crazy with all of my delusional wishes. thinking that you’re flirting when you really only asking me simple questions. it’s all so difficult, but what to do ? you make me feel like i have missed out something important. i know we can never be and i’ve forbidden myself to fall for you. but still, i’m terrified that when i’m married, with a man who truly loves me, that i’ll still be thinking of you. wondering about endless what-ifs. what if i had the courage to say how i feel ? what if you have the courage to acknowledge me and risk asking me out. what if we go through endless things together, giggling all the way. i want to feel your hands on my waist & my body against yours. how long should i wait ? i used to think that you were shallow, and flash and i would never date you or marry you because twenty minutes into our dinner date, i would probably slap you silly. but now i am thinking, maybe you can learn to understand me. maybe you are just as lost as i’m and wanted me to know you through all that haze and flash. i don’t let people grow close to me.  i would let you in but i don’t trust you that you would handle me with care. i was broken in a million pieces and i carefully glued and stitched myself together. i’m hard to get to know, as i bury myself deep under many layers. but i’m thinking i could be wrong about you. you should know i love you always.

there’s more to tell but that’s how it always goes with you, there’s always more to say, you’ll always listen (or read) and so will i. i would want you to write me a poem and bring me flowers and i still haven’t erased you from the top half of my list of “maybe-s”, and “when you wish upon a star”, but i might be getting there, maybe. we’re never walking in the same direction, but maybe we can wish for the same like we hint at wanting.

my darling, life was so much better when i didn’t give a fuck about you.

i still love you anyway.

(oct. 10, 2018)

autumn

fall

last blog i kind of started off talking about changing my eating habits again but got distracted by browns tying-up the game (american football).

to start off, i lost another 0.5 lbs so after almost three months of working out i lost a total of 1 lb… yay ?!? also i not only made the gym board last month (for the month of august) but i actually topped it and i was goddamn pleased with it but alas this month my name is nowhere to be seen as i put in no time in september.

as i kept bleating over and over, asthma took (and is still taking) a toll on my health and weight management; also lack of motivation due to wanting to give up on life for a while also didn’t help (confession: i still want to give up but i don’t see a way out yet as my kitties will be orphans); and i finally gotten enlightenment where i realized that i can die a little every day and be miserable or just try and make changes and start dancing again and to get back into ballet and look like old self again, i changed my mindset and making all kinds of changes and giving my old funny self a chance to come out and be a dancer. working out is a good thing if you already don’t know it. it’s good because, endorphins. it makes you feel great about yourself and keeps you happy. working out is a good stress reliever because one is not allowed to kill that annoying coworker or a family member. i know it’s not easy as i made myself into a whale, but i am determined to dance, whale or not… getting fit (i am not talking about becoming thin) is not easy as my body learnt to become lazy and gotten into severe bad eating habits; again, i stress that one could be a vegetarian but still have bad eating habits… i started setting myself goals with very small changes.

i started eating at least one avocado religiously everyday because i want to work towards becoming a vegan and i usually rely on eggs for omega 3s and 6s fatty acids and avocados are a good substitute.

currently my nutritional intake is roughly about 85% carb, 10% protein and 5% fat and i need to adjust my ratios to somewhere like 68% carb, 18% protein and 14% fat which is easier said than done and aaaaaaaaaargh !

also i’m finding myself doing a big pot of meals with flesh for the “if it doesn’t have meat in it, i won’t eat it” member of my household aka sandalwood and a small pot of completely plant based meals for myself and this gotta change as it’s bad enough i’ve to debone, deskin and defat, roast chickens for my kitty babies and now i’ve cook as well with flesh and frankly, bleh ! yesterday when i was shopping for some meat, i found a butterflied lamb and i picked it up with the tips of my fingers and was carrying it at arms length while looking for a plastic bag to put it in, when a guy at the grocery store helped me with that, commenting that my hands looked full (i was carrying the lamb thing in one hand and my car keys in the other) – i always have adventures at the store. one time i was trying to get a bottle of lemon juice which was on the top shelf and towards back and i’m a tiny person. after standing on my toe tips, and stretching and almost climbing the grocery store shelf, i finally got hold of a bottle and for a second i was pleased with myself on this victory only to find that the bottle i blindly grabbed at was wrong type of lemon juice and i loudly went “fucking hell” and turned around and almost ran into this guy who was behind me and he coolly went “do you want me to grab your bottle” and he did.

finally my boys patriots are warming up and winning games – still ways to go to win the super bowl but patience is a virtue – these sports are not good for my blood pressure; as i keep grinding my teeth, screaming and pulling my hair.. but watching sports is fun 😊

on work front, things are great as usual. tim recently lost his sister and i felt very sorry for him. he is one of those strong silent types, who hide their feelings. i tried my best to console him. and oh, at my work, there is a jewish person (whom i haven’t met) in another city and one day we were exchanging work related emails, and i wished him happy rosh hashanah (as it was that time) and he was pleasantly surprised and since then we have been sharing our faith. i am strictly “if you ask me i’ll share my faith” person and this is giving me an opportunity to share. i asked eric, the silent one, to teach me deadlifts at gym and oh well, since my last conversation, he was too busy with work and couldn’t get into gym. my gym time is also a bit less what with work (apparently i have to work as i need to get paid) and the whole farce with brett kavanaugh hearings. there are a few people at work who told me that they like chatting with me and one day this boy came up to talk to me and after he left, my colleague is like you were flirting with that boy. it’s a possibility as i am a big flirt and i do it without even thinking, but this boy is a child and as much as i date men who are far younger than i am, i don’t think i would date anyone who isn’t yet 30

september is done (why is time in such a hurry ?) – i embraced september’s dark and dreary and watched it’s beautiful decline into decay and nature preparing for it’s winter sleep. october came with a flourish and with remnants of august summer. i am terrified of my own happiness. i have been retracing steps and examining how things were going, and more importantly fixing what was broken. it rained hard last night, showers a little today, all courtesy of a storm who is making an appearance in my neighborhood, but the still cool temps helped me through a medium-long run of couple of miles.  it was a pretty sight, running through the mists in the dusk lights of the neighborhood. as a general rule, i don’t go running as i want to protect my knees but yesterday i couldn’t hit the gym and my body wants pain and this phase feels right, and looking like all the pain and sweat of these weeks is gonna pay off.

the best things of life are not things, but moments. somedays are just wonderful and i just want to tie them up into a little bouquet. i’m trying to create beautiful moments with my babies. every sunday i throw open my front door and my kids run around in the lawn while i try and straighten out the house. there’s a big difference between being centered and being self-centered.if you live your life as if everything is about you… you will be left with just that. just you. magic is inside you and it is all around. it’s in the twinkling wink of the stars and in the whispers of the wind in the trees; and it’s in the seductive scents of the flowers; and in my heart when it skips a beat every time i see american boy; it’s in the warm embrace of my kitties and it’s in the spark when sandalwood and i kiss. and all i need to do is pull off the darkness that shrouds my view and call up the magic which is buried deep inside me…

sex, football & page 3

hello world ! it’s raining again and at least for now, the humidity is at bay. my kids keep giving me dirty glances as they think somehow i‘m making the rain – my kids love to go out and frolic and all of last week, i made them stay indoors because of the humidity and especially because i wasn’t home to bring them in at regular intervals and i can’t afford to leave the windows open while the air conditioning is still going and i can’t afford shutting off the ac because it was unbearable and one of my kids has asthma. last year, sonu my baby kitty went out on a scorchingly hot and humidity day, and he got short of breath due to allergic reaction and i immediately got him inside. i arranged some storage boxes in front of a floor fan to the same height and perched my kitty on the top box to cool down with the breeze and stroked his back to relax him as when cats (or anyone for that matter are short of breath, brain kicks in the panic attack mechanism) get panicky and asthma attack starts… and being a clever kitty that he is, now a days, whenever he goes out in hot / humid days and feels short of breath, he immediately comes in and marches straight to the fan and relaxes on the top of the box till he feels better.

if you’re always running towards the next moment, what happens to the one you’re in ? i believe time is a gift and i must slow the fuck down and enjoy each and every god given moment. it’s getting incredibly difficult to stop and enjoy my life as i seem to be shopping for my food and my kids’ food every other day and i am not sure how to rectify this problem and this is pissing me off in general. i don’t like to do online food delivery.

speaking of food, i am doing changes again to my nutritional intake. currently i

football season is here again and i found out i can’t watch patriots play on regular cable unless i subscribe “nfl sunday ticket” and that wasn’t offered on my regular cable subscription so i went and got myself directv now which gives me the nfl sunday ticket and after spending $500(not including my regular internet and cable charges and this amount is spread out over four months), now i can watch my boys patriots play every single game and the dollars are so totally worth it to watch in the comfort of my home and of course, pant-less in my underwear. and it also allows us (me & sandalwood) to have impromptu sex as and when our foreplay gets us too wet and too aroused to stop and not have sex. the other day, we were having out of this world sex and i fell off the bed, and he didn’t stop fucking, while yelling “five second rule” and it made me laugh so much; the next day i couldn’t walk properly as my bum hurt because of the fall and i slightly limped around. and yes nfl sunday ticket subscription is totally worth it to watch live games, and especially watching patriots’ magnificence in the way they play and i am writing this while watching them play and they are already up by 21 points.

my education in american football continues and here are some notes so far from someone who doesn’t understand how this game works …

  1. i may choose to flip to other networks (or clean the bathroom) ’cause sometimes the pauses are too long
  2. tom brady, tho i respect him, and i think he is the superman of the football version, is nowhere as cute as women make him out to be.
  3. may induce me to do random pterodactyl screeches
  4. run ! run ! run ! huge pileup on a dude with ball

page 3 : so after all before i die, i get to see a beauty pageant where women don’t need to strut around in skimpy, itty, bitty bikinis and high heels…. beauty pageants are idiotic, which not only demeaning to women, but also objectify them and disrespectful in general, and probably the contestants don’t have seven brain cells amongst them all put together….. i know this “not parading women in bikinis” may be a shortlived stuff, because most women are insecure and they don’t have self-respect and they measure their worth in terms of their appearance and the endorsement of the same from men, which is really sad; so i can foresee all these “liberal” women in the name of equality want to become objects for men to comment and america is really superficial for a developed country with typical male foolishness and women’s lack of self-respect; i almost get into fights at cosmetics counters when poor, idiotic sales women say something stupid like, “he would really like you in this …. xyz” and when did this notion became predominant that equality means shedding clothes and to parade around in almost no clothes whatsoever  ! and yes, i realize that even india is walking in the same path but then again india is no different from any other country and there were only a handful of women like me who really have any brains or balls to not give a fuck about what people think ! i probably watched one pageant so far in my life and i thought it was like selling a horse or a cow ! you know, how they look at the teeth and the flank and how they strut, etc. there must be something wrong with women who would want to to do this and to have their worth determined by someone else. and also, more than this, i abhor child beauty pageants with a passion and i am appalled that there is no law to prevent this. little girls almost behaving like adults and mimicking the behavior of what they see on tv; somedays i grind my teeth when i see the way young girls dress (during my commute or on the roads); i can’t understand how parents can send their daughters out like that. yes, yes, i know that we have different standards for boys and girls and i would fight for equality but until the world is “equal” and men are pigs, so i would protect my daughter at all costs and i would teach my son to respect girls (and women)…. ! till the boys learn to respect, i would teach my daughter to first respect herself and then kick the boys in their balls to teach them the way to respect her….  i usually walk around with an expression on my face “next time you whistle at me, i will break your teeth” – well, enough rant for the night and the feminist me is quite pleased for now…..

oh just an fyi, page 3 is a term synonymous with bare-breast women in that the uk tabloid sun used to publish women with bare breasts.

and oh, patriots won but they made three crucial mistakes which pissed me off as i want them to improve their game as their opponents are getting better (as they will) – but all in all, a great start for my team. also, i must give kudos to cleveland browns for tying the game (after lagging behind most of the time)

et bonne nuit !

careless whispers

i usually listen to philly power 99 while driving to work, which is hiphop and r&b… i find that most of the songs in other stations are about love which makes me vomit as i think all that romantic shit is nothing but lust and people confuse lust with love. i’m not convinced when people say i love you as that could change within a day or two. but i digress… and these hiphop songs are no different but at least they got rhythm i can dance to… but recently this station has been airing nicki minaj’s songs and boy, i can’t stand her and so i found a station which airs older songs… and they have been playing wham now a days… now i am going to date myself as when this song “careless whisper” by wham came to our country like late 80s or early 90s i think, and i was still in school (junior level) with pig tails and of course, all the girls immediately fell in love with wham and we endlessly danced to this song at every opportunity. great memories tbh ! and also i remember at that time i was doing spanish language course at a center for foreign languages as an extra-curricular activity and we had a fête and to this song, i danced with boy who thought he was a god’s gift to girls and of course, i turned up my nose and didn’t give him any time of the day…

yesterday before work i went to traffic court to contest a speeding ticket. i am no saint in this matter and i speed a lot but on this particular instance i haven’t. i was just accelerating to overcome a hilly slope and i got stopped… went to court, got off with not paying fine or getting any points…

these days of summer are purely invented with hell in mind and it’s heavily humid, with temps in 90s ! high humidity, i am sure is just fine for some creatures but when accompanied by 90 degree temps, with no air movement, it’s so brutal that a free thinking person like me can’t think anymore; i am no fan of summer and even those people who are insane enough to say they love summer are saying that they had enough of this. and what’s more i can’t breathe freely with all this heavy hazy air; and when your hair is naturally curly like mine, there’s already a fine line between “messy sexy curls with romantic promises” and “evil witch from azkaban”  and with this humidity, oh well !!

and oh, recently i got some indoor palm plants after negotiating with my cats that they wouldn’t take on the role of archaeologists and start digging in my plants. i used to bring them every year before my husband passed and they would shred them to pieces within a week and i would feel bad for my plants. so far the kids are behaving and my plants are still in one piece. so with these plants in my rooms, when i especially peep out of my bathroom window through these fronds and listening to the crickets chirping and singing happy mating songs, i keep imagining that i am somewhere down in louisiana or georgia because i would love to live there, wearing nice, flimsy, cotton frocks and big gauzy hats, sitting on a porch drinking lots of lemonades, fanning myself while sweat trickling down between my breasts, sexing and sweating just for the sheer hell of it …. 😊

but life has been great lately which is freaking me out a bit and is making me vomit. i am happy as a kitten who drank a bowl full of cream and i keep licking my chops and all… i am suspicious of all this happiness because life taught me not to trust happiness in general.. my cousin in new zealand keeps asking me to come down to visit and i still have to make my passport but i am waiting to slim down a bit more before i head over to get my passport photos.

tim went on vacation and he said by the time he comes back may be the crane boy would be finished. i told him i would update him and i keep taking photos of the crane. one day around 4:30 pm, i observed that the crane boy was delivering all the workers to the ground in a basket and i wanted to see how he gets down. so i patiently waited and then i was so amazed to learn that he actually climbs down the tower, one rung at a time and i realized that, a crane operator, not only have to be good with heights, but also he should be reasonably young and super fit because i am goddamn sure that he would be climbing up to the crane cabin, one rung at a time every day….  that day tim wasn’t in the office and i impatiently waited for monday (it was a friday) so i could tell him all about it. by this time i am convinced, tim thinks that i have happily taken leave of my senses, but he humours me all the same (i enjoy my talks with tim as he is smart and i don’t have to exert a lot of energy to make him understand me; plus we both function on the same wavelength) and then we discussed on how they build the cranes so tall and when i got home, i researched and it was beautiful to know how the cranes function. if you search on youtube, you can learn a lot.. i mean, a lot ! and also, i probably would go into a withdrawal when the construction gets completed and i have no story to imagine.

i have been religiously working out and while i see progress in inches coming off, no major movement in the weight numbers. i so far lost a measly 0.5 lbs which pisses me off but i keep reminding myself, i am losing the goddamn fat and gaining muscle which is denser so….also, i keep craving for steaks (protein) which is a good indication that my muscles are developing and as i’m a vegetarian, i won’t be eating them in a hurry and even if i do, i probably will spit it out. but i am ok because i can soon go back to dancing.. thinking may be end of september or may be october… i keep my focus on that important factor – dancing !

and this happened in gym today… there are a few people who keep looking at me (women and men) but this particular woman, i observed, keeps staring when i work out and i thought it could be because they all workout like girls, while i actually work out like a boy because jack taught me so and before he taught me, all i knew was ballet workouts and i no longer look like a ballerina with all the life which happened and so i know those workouts are not gonna cut it.  anyway, today i was getting on the treadmill to warm up and she walked by me and she went loudly “hello” which made me jump and i said hello back (i’m so goddamn polite y’all) and while she was leaving, she waved me bye and i am like, what’s going on, but i smiled (somebody slap me) and no i don’t think she is a lesbian, i think she is just weird. i attract weirdos.

i never liked to wear bras as they are awfully irritating and i usually don’t wear any unless i’m wearing something flimsy and my boobs are perky naturally and so i wear chemises or camisoles under my tops. and at work, i usually freeze my tits off and so the other day i was in the bathroom and saw that my nipples were at attention and saying hello, through the flimsy material of my shirt which i obviously didn’t realize, and i was horrified and i was wondering if i should go out and buy a bra when i remembered that i could use band aids to cover my nipples up… you see when i was younger, we used to put band-aids on our nipples during ballet dancing (that’s what we used to do in the dark ages before pasties).

IMG_3160

these beautiful little things are fungi. my friend teased me about taking no photos of anything but just these lovely things. a week or two ago, on a sunday, i met up with some friends and we all went to valley forge and this was my first time to go there and it was so gorgeous and  beautiful. it was raining as usual but with less humidity and we all were strolling and we were transported to the times of general washington. there’s george washington chapel and it is gorgeous. i decided if and when i get married i am gonna get married there making sure i get married on a full moon day so i can have the reception in a moonlit night. confession: when i married jace, it was because everyone else wanted me to marry and because i never wanted to marry. oh, i did eventually fell in love with jace but when i married him, i had a huge respect for his kindness and his intelligence. and he knew that.

last thursday night i was going back into the city to pickup sandalwood so we can have dinner (went to a lebanese restaurant) and the traffic became one lane in the university city because of some construction so i have to move into the other lane and i was looking at the driver of this car who is in that lane and kind of asking him to allow me into get in and he told (gestured) me he would let me into that lane if i give him my phone number … lol  i drag race and so it was funny to me, and i laughed at him, as he was in a regular sized car and i was driving a bmw x 5 which is huge, i roughly inserted myself into that lane and politely waved him off. men are such weird bastards. half the time they don’t know what they want and the other half of the time, they are busy adjusting their genitalia in their pants !

told sandalwood he has eyes like pools of sweetness and could drown a girl and he just paused and kissed me. i thought how easy it was for him, that with his hands on my waist and just turn me on with a fiery lust. and i think this beautiful boy knows exactly how to turn me on with that sexual desire. when this man with blue or green in his eyes, smiles at me, i bleed a bit more into the cracks of my life. and i close my eyes, lying naked next to him, feeling less beautiful and more like a goddess, and with my heart beating to the rhythm of his warm caresses..

ps: i keep grieving for anubis and i am thinking this is how david grieved for his son absalom whom he loved dearly and i, still love my little kitty boy !