week 11 – shelter in place

encouraged by the new app i got, as i wanted to do a sugar detox (kill me now please), i tried some new recipes and i quickly found myself hopelessly lost in a wonderland of bad decisions.

i got this app to track my macro-nutrients as i always consume less than what i need in a day not because i was dieting but because i am by nature lazy to eat and so i end up eating nutritionally imbalanced food. as we are staying home i thought i would improve my eating habits by tracking my food intake and believe it or not i was not only undereating calorically speaking, but am horribly imbalanced in my consumption of macros, over consuming carbs (well i eat a lot of rice), less protein and just the right amount of fats. my caloric intake is still less but the nutrient balance has improved considerably and also my water intake.

the bitch app always gives me a blue :/ (speechless emoji) as i am either under caloric or not enough balance, nutritionally speaking. interestingly, i find that getting up to the required 600 calories for lunch or dinner is very hard and i mean, i eat the same amount which i used to (now kind of balanced) and it’s like 200 calories. what the actual fuck ! and to top it, the protein content is no where near and i can only eat so many eggs in a day. so i started making protein jellies (20 cals / jelly) still less but i can either eat as snack or put them in breakfast bowls.

on sunday my neighborhood did an organized protest regarding the death of george floyd and i, as usual, missed it (i later saw the note my neighbors stuck in my screen door informing me of the protest and to come by). actually i also missed the whole thing about his death on account i stopped watching news a while ago, as now a days the news were about covid19 and how everyone is dealing with it in their own stupid way, and yours truly gets really bored with cheesy emotions humans portray… i am not sorry about missing out on the news of his death but i am sorry that he had to die unnecessarily and how stupid this whole racism is and people have no sense and mind you, i won’t take sides on this shit because americans (and probably the whole goddamn world) are goddamn racists, whites and blacks and the others (indians, chinese, etc). what irritates me the most is that they pretend that they are not racists and that they are ok but their actions speak the loudest. i think racism stems from selfishness and it is based on not being cultured or educated enough. i am not talking about degrees, i am talking about reading and obtaining knowledge and expanding ones horizons and not having the same amoeba brain one is born with. anyway, for some reason, i went by my window and i saw a police car and i thought it was weird and may be it was by mistake  (because the other day there was a fire episode and the fire engines came into my neighborhood with all the sounds and bells and whistles, disturbing our precious naps, and it was a mistake and our neighbors have to reroute them to the correct location). and lo, i saw my a few of my neighbors taking a knee and some standing with posters and i wondered, ‘couldn’t you have gone on to the road (route 100) is just a few yards away’ and my kitty boy pepper, who was lounging on the sill looked at me with questioning eyes as if to say “what the hell is this and who disturbs my nap’ and i answered ‘i got no clue’.

and then this happened. the other day the temps went up to 80ish and all the young girls in the neighborhood stripped down to their undies and played with water. i watched them interestingly and considered our cultural differences and how my parents would have beaten us to a pulp if we went outdoors in our petticoats.  the nextdoor neighbor (a divorced woman with a girl) had some people come by (are we done with quarantine now ?) and the girls were playing with water and i was upstairs and looked into their yard and then i noticed that the girls had something like a dildo in their hands, which they fill with water and squirt (?). i was horrified and my brain said no this can’t be true and i observed closely and almost got my binoculars out, when i realized that they were actually toy crayons – large, dildo look alike crayons. i cracked myself up and told myself that i have a dirty mind.

it’s late and i have to prepare the ingredients for tomorrows meals; thinking of making green protein smoothie for brekkie, mixed vegetable omelette for lunch, stuffed tomatoes for dinner and very importantly mixed berry compote for dessert.  it’s going to be a good day !!

week 10 – shelter in place

summer is here and with it comes delicious fruit and exciting reads straight from my book collections. my cats and i love afternoons in the sunshade, full of cool cherries and a nice glass of cold lemonades for me.

it’s been full three weeks since i blogged, if i were not mistaken as i became a bit bored and super busy. the highlights included one of my friends emailing me out of the blue. apparently his son asked him who is your oldest friend and he remembered me ! mallick was my neighbor and a very dear childhood friend. he motivated me to excel in studies and come to the us. during our summer holidays, while all the kids were playing outside, he and i would be preparing to the next year as he was one year senior to me and he would give me his notes, text books, and so by the time school reopened for the next year, i am done with homeworks in all subjects and i know everything which needs to know. good goddamn times !

i have kind of slacked off blogging as i was otherwise occupied. i’m friends with my colleagues in it (info tech)  and we were chatting about what shows to watch and one guy convinced me i should watch a couple of shows on hbo, so i subscribed to that channel as well. i think once my cable service contract is up, i am going to downgrade to internet only. anyway, hbo came with full series of game of thrones and i never got into that show as i wanted to first read the books. but as the shows are there, i started reading the books and started watching the shows. i thought the first four seasons are great as they closely followed the books and the later seasons were quite stupid. i also realized why the show was popular as there is so much of fucking and tits and cunts galore. the boy and i thought we would rather have the books made into video games as it could be like a strategy game with lots of killing.

the other important thing which happened and kept me busy was, i have taken up working on a research project for nasa as my friend recruited me. so now i’m working on two projects apart from my regular work. here i must pause and thank god, that i get paid a lot, i mean a lot, at my current full time position for doing nothing. and i don’t feel badly about this as i used to beg for more projects at work. so here i’m getting paid a lot, for doing almost a couple of hours of work per week. and this is perfect opportunity for me for diversifying my portfolio during these times.

i have worked on my garden and planted all my darling bulbs. my babies are increasingly clingy to me to the point if i am leave the room they follow me around. i, on the other hand, became quite comfortable ordering things online and wearing masks when going out. the one thing which i have to take care of and i haven’t found a good solution yet is taking my cars for inspection as that would involve me staying there during the inspection which could last hours. i used to drop the car off and get a ride back home but with our current situation i am not planning to get into someone else’s car.

i’ve been watching “the adulterer”, a dutch show (walter presents) and this lady who returns home from prison says, “it’s the smell that i missed” which got me thinking.  it is true isn’t it ? how do i say “the smell of the people you love is something you know innately & is deeply comforting & while i’ll never know my own smell (and i am quite positive, i smell like cats) i hope that it’s nice & learning someone’s smell means that you just … know it for like, ever, even if you can’t clearly articulate what it is actually like” without sounding like a huge creep, like jean-baptiste grenouille (peter suskind’s book the perfume)

but i think when you love somebody you learn to recognize their smell, and this smell makes you happy. because you relate to them. it reminds me how i’d give my cats my clothes when they are to spend a night or two at the vet hospital so that they can hold onto because they learned to love that smell. i think there’s nothing creepy about the visceral sense of known and safe and loved that comes from the smell of home.

like i loved my parents and the time we would spend together in our home in india. with the iron gate which made the teensy squeak when opened or the slight catch of my front door that much more appealing, the comfort of familiarity wafting out to greet me, and i realized i recognized it.

yes, but at the same time, it can be tragic too. when they finally decide to leave you behind, their smell lingers behind them along with your memories of them, only making you miss them more. you smell someone similar and turn around hoping its them, but its not. the place you know that they used to be, their smell slowly dissipates from there and when it’s finally gone, you know they are too. a scent can be like a ghost.

i am a work in progress and i am ok with it. my sciatic nerve started calming down and the pain is bearable. i will soon start some heavy duty workout challenges to control the ever expanding tummy.

evenings now a days are blissful and my twin boys and i go out to enjoy the evening fresh air and watch the world go by. the more i let nature in, the more i indulge it, give it time, sit amongst the nature, be the silent observer, the more i connect with it, almost at a spiritual level. like i could sit here on the grass floor of my backyard and it would grow over me, the brambles intertwining between my legs, the birds nestling in my hair. it all just feels incredibly peaceful, to be one with everything, feel everything, not to think, not to worry or question, just to nurture the life around me.

i strive so much for happiness, tranquility, for paradise in my life, but what if i were already there ? what if i have already walked far beyond the pearly gates and have just forgotten what came before. and would that change everything ? if god stood in front of me and said ‘hey there, you’re here, you made it, have fun !’ would i do things a little differently ? so as i lie on the grass in the cool part of the evening here, with nothing more than my cats, the sun and the birds and the greenfly walking over my skin, i ask myself, is hell just a place that i create because i feel like i don’t belong ?

i feel like a preacher and this feels like a sermon. i feel guided by higher presence, and right now, in this moment, i feel a little peace.

week 7- shelter in place

schrodinger virus

this cartoon just about sums up our existence ! another blissful week of solitude, sex and lots of cursing.

this week’s accomplishments included in actually finding a carton of toilet paper, yay me ! i didn’t actually needed it but while i was doing my biweekly supply run and stocking up on coffee and as it was there, it was perfect.

oh i had to bring my kitty to a nearby vet (my actual vet is about an hour away) for an ear infection and this was so weird as we are doing our social distancing; when i arrived at the hospital i called them, and the tech came out and took the baby in (and poor kid he was crying) and the doctor, called me on phone and put me on speaker while examining him, and i was explaining the symptoms etc and we ended the call with “hopefully we will see each other soon”. i paid for the services with a credit card from the parking lot. so much fun ! they may become my primary vet for my kids.

the boy finally got his steaks (both beef and salmon); i prepared and cooked him a steak on stove top in a pan as i don’t usually use oven a lot. usually i marinate the steak at least a day in indian spices and the boy loved it ! this week, i also gave in and had a tuna salad sandwich which was quite strange for me to eat but i was sick of eating the same veggies all the time and also sick of eggs and also the tuna salad has more mayo than tuna i think. i make extremely good and tasty tuna salad sandwiches, truly the ideal quarantine food packed with protein and pickles and a bunch of secret spices, and my boy will never know what he’s missing because he is an insane person who refuses to eat anything that is even remotely mayonnaise adjacent.

also i am thinking probably by the end of the quarantine i would be approx. 400 lbs and round because of all the prednisone and it is all my cunning plan to save money on transit expenses as the rounder i get, all i need to do is roll myself to the office !

i also watched “into the night” (belgian tv series) and i thought it was really a well thought sci-fi show. while we have our own problems with the sars -cov2, the earth is benefiting the most what with the air pollution decreasing and ozone layer is actually resealing ! in a way this virus helped humans but what with humans are the stupidest species on the planet, this gain is short lived.

boy and i are planning to watch eta aquariids meteor showers in the coming days and hopefully the skygods will be benevolent and we will have clear skies. for this we have to get up around 3 a.m. and i think it is going to be fun as now a days my circadian rhythm is fucked, and i am sleeping around 2 a.m. and getting up around 7 a.m.

they say love is shared oranges, like fingers stained with nectarine juice and sticky kisses. they say love is laughter and sunshine and the summer sun caressing your face and gentle breeze blowing your hair.

but my love has never been quite that pure. my love is a little bit more like bloody lips and feral smiles and love bites. like if someone who can finally match my darkness. my love is a wild thing, like thunder and tornadoes, like drenching in the rain, soaked to the bone. love is kisses that taste like lightning.

there are divine things more beautiful than we can even imagine.

week 6 – shelter in place

i used to start an email with “hello” or “hi” but now a days it’s “i hope your family and you are well” and clearly i feel a bit hypocritical as obviously i don’t give that many fucks if they are well or not and also obviously i would have heard about it if they aren’t. yours truly is slowly turning into a lazy, slow bean with crusted crankiness and i have feeling that i may also be morphing into a cat.

speaking of cats, you know how parents buy same thing for all their kids as they think that the kids would fight ? i have realized that i’m doing the same but not one each for my kitties but one for them and one for me as my kids emulate me in every thing. like seriously every thing ! if i get myself a bowl of cereal, they want the same, so i am a bit hesitant to give them almond milk, so i get them a bowl of cereal (a few flakes) with half & half; and they want my ipad when i want to read, so then can play, and now i have two ipads (don’t ask)… a pillow for me and a pillow for them as they would like to sleep on the pillow ! well you get the picture.

i’ve been observing my kitties a lot, and the way they eat their meal; so much class ! they take delicate, tiny mouthfuls, eyes half closed in savoring the pleasure of the moment, and pausing to make sure their faces and mouths are clean between the mouthfuls, and cleaning around their mouths with a little toss of their heads, and then once finished, they try to bury the food….. they are kind to each other and grooming each other with such tenderness. obviously, they also have moments, when they try and swipe at each other.

i’m seriously running out of projects to do as it’s still cold to put my plants out and plant the bulbs. i have been cooking and experimenting with various stuff for example, i made tortilla española, the other day and as i have no cheddar cheese i put brie and not a good combination i assure you. the boy ordered some steaks online (omaha steaks) thinking he will get them immediately and his face, lmao, was so funny when he found out that the delivery date is may 1. serves him right for eating the flesh of an animal.

i recently started watching “the expanse” after trying to not watch it for a long time as it’s more political than i would like in sci-fi stories as i would like shows which explore alien worlds and come in contact with aliens instead of trying to not wage wars with your species who colonized in other worlds. but i must say, it is gripping to an extent and didn’t bore me a lot. i especially liked the usage of “donkey balls” as one of the code words for martian black ops. lol also crushing on the outfits of chrisjen avesarala though, gosh, hate her grating voice.

and the boy has been watching i, claudius and despite my best efforts not to educate myself or enrich my life in any way, i find the show hard to ignore, and i’ve even been accidentally enjoying it sometimes, mostly because it has brian blessed featured extremely prominently, acting the way brian blessed always acts, and i mean, one cannot simply look away from brian blessed

we all like to complain about this quarantine but for some people, these times are much more difficult to manage. tonight, we think of them.

there are so many small things to be grateful for – aliveness, safety, people we love -our days are being spent reading, sitting on the threshold of the french doors in the sun, drinking coffee and playing as much music as we can. we sing and dance and go for walks and open our windows and lie in bed listening to the birds.

in the evenings we sometimes call our friends and families to say hello. boy kept some of the notes which i gave him, and he kept the note “see you friday, love you !” tucked in the bathroom mirror.

i’ve taken on new projects hoping they will fill my time enough to not worry. i sorted through all the books. i am reading the things i was putting off. our tiny home is a happy place but growing small; i’m trying to see new corners all the time.

week 5 – shelter in place

“life is a tragedy to those who feel and a comedy to those who think” –  molière

today i was nearly late for work as i woke up late and i have this lengthy commute to work as i’ve travel from my bedroom to the closet and grab my laptop. i woke up late as one of my kids woke me up around 4 am because he has this anxiety when he needs to poop and was crying so i woke up and sat with him while he shat. and the mother of the century award goes to, ta ta da da da…. me !

usually (now-a-days that is) i wake up without an alarm, but at a normal time which was certainly a great way to start the day. yesterday had a productive meeting regarding this scientific work regarding covid which i have been contributing to and then did some stretches and had a shower. after that the boy and i decided to use our time in a better way… making scones ! we made white chocolate chip scones and had one fresh out of the oven with jam and cream. it was amazing !

as the days of this quarantine going by i just have so little motivation to do anything. i don’t want to do any work. i just want to laze around and do nothing really.

i had therapy last week and that was quite helpful. we did a grounding exercise and short meditation which helped to calm my nerves and anxiety and then chatted a lot about my family set up, growing up and of course dealing with the current situation. my therapist is still getting to know me so we haven’t gone into anything super deep yet but we are getting there and that’s a good thing.

as we have to create our own entertainment, i proved to the boy that i could make a great burlesque dancer by eating a banana in a most seductive manner and he did a strip tease for me.

on a sad note, my ballet teacher tatiana k. passed away due to old age.

and over the weekend or last week there were protests to lift the quarantine ! i mean, really !! what the fuck people ? this is not an optional setup ! and my heart really goes out to the people who must work to get money so that their families can eat but i see no viable solution here. the boy and i have donated monies to my church and to other charities who are identifying such workers and giving them help. but this is not a long term solution and i am trying to come up with various scenarios when and how this country may open up to the public. to be honest, i’m not sure if i would return to work this year even if we are asked to return to work.

my city just put out the order: masks in public for everyone. with that said, i’ve been in at a grocery store and within about five minutes i already confirmed the fact that “americans are not an intellectual people, to say the least” in a big way.

couple things:

  1. wearing a mask is a preventative measure designed to keep you from spreading the virus to others if you’re an asymptomatic carrier. the point of everyone wearing masks is that everybody keeps their own germs to themselves just in case. it’s not meant to keep you safe from the virus by wearing it, but to keep others safe from you if you have it but don’t know it.

that said,

  1. it doesn’t work like that if you’re constantly touching your mask and taking it off.

if you’re carrying the virus, the mask stops you from coughing or sneezing or spitting it all over the environment. but that means that all your germs are concentrating on the mask. so when you touch it, you’re taking whatever germs were in your lungs / nose / mouth and getting it on your hands. then, when you touch things in your environment you’re wiping those germs on whatever you touch.

we know that there are surfaces where the virus can’t survive for long. but it doesn’t take long for someone to pick up the package you just touched after messing with your mask, or touch the cart you just put back, or to touch the handle of the door you pulled on when they walk in right after you. and then, when they go to play with their mask, guess fucking what ! stop touching your masks! it’s not a fashion accessory. it’s effectively a part of your body as long as you’re wearing it. don’t touch your eyes, your mouth, your nose, and don’t touch your mask !

and then i go to the cashier who is a young child and wearing gloves and i was glad about that but once she checked me out, she pulled one of her gloves off and put that in her mouth. and i stood there and lectured her for over 20 mins explaining why she wasn’t supposed to do that.

wallow in all this negativity for a while as we have no other choice – but only for just a little. give yourself the time to experience the losses. but of course, you gotta know when to get yourself back up and let go, which i know is easier said than done. but you’ve got to. otherwise, it might just keep spiraling down and you’d continue to be caught up on everything that went south or that you lost on. let go or be dragged.

april is almost gone. there was a sense of goodness in the way you waved from my sky.  i will follow your dandelion-hued sunlight. watch it break open my rib cage and reach for my heart. and make it soft. and spin it and turn it into gold. i’m still waiting for the right moment for my dreams to snowball into something less like a different lifetime. maybe i’ll discover all the fairy lights and dusty dreams and tender souls somewhere in you. maybe i’ll unearth all the wonders and the memories long forgotten. i’m waiting for it. waiting for time to unfold my fists and curve down my spine like waterfalls.

 

week 4 – shelter in place

pink moon

only to the moon will i tell all my secrets. this week’s highlights in some pictures. there was pink super moon and because of the weather,i took this shot of the moon on 8th i think.

some of the excerpts from my kids photos. my kids finally stopped judging me silently for staying home 24 / 7 instead of going to work and toiling to bring home their roast chicken; my kids though eyed me suspiciously, soon realized the benefits of me being home, like they can get food every two minutes.

i have taught my baby girl skittles to play the ipad mouse game and she taught the other kids…. well there isn’t much to the game but you do have to whack the mouse and i taught her that and she immediately learned as she is immensely smart and i swear to god she actually understands human language more than a few words like the other pets. i am also convinced that despite the language barrier, if i send her to school, she will master the program within few months and graduate with honors. i am immensely proud of that kid.

my boy sonu (the black kitty) is the best son a mum could have. zz, the tiny moron, still does the “i want my mum” routine where he regularly forgets that i’m upstairs and cries his heart out, and as he can’t hear on account he is deaf, i have to go and bring him upstairs (and he sleeps like this with one hand on my body);

IMG_1645

one day instead of getting up and run to the head of the stairs to let him know i’m home, i asked sonu, my lovely son, who is resting beside me, to go get him; i went, “sonu love, could you go bring him upstairs” and off sonu went and brought him upstairs which really surprised me to be honest. i thought this may be random thing but then again a couple of days later, mr. forgot-mum-is-home-so-i’ll-cry resumed crying, and i asked sonu again, and off sonu went to bring the boy upstairs. and this time around sonu wasn’t even in the same room and so i had to actually call him loudly. it made me tear up to be honest as sometimes i feel the emptiness of not having a human child (that is till i meet an actual human child and then i don’t regret not having any kids) as i think, my babies make it up thousand fold !

i continued to watch “walter presents” and for once, i found a tv show (icelandic) “the cliff” really worth watching and didn’t giggle at all like i always do. i also watched “the killing of the sacred deer” which made no fucking sense and i may also have thrown up a little in my mouth.  there is a new mystery featuring david tennant, my favorite doctor (doctor who) but it is in goddamn installments and i must wait every week.and oh, i purchased (from amazon) all the miyazaki (studio ghibli) movies as i never get tired of them and i enjoy watching them over and over. as also i enjoy reading adventures of tin tin (and i own the entire set of books) and asterix (again own the entire set), i sometimes wonder if i got stuck in my childhood and of course it doesn’t surprise me a bit on account of lost and traumatic childhood where it’s not so much of parental stress but mostly of society. that story for a non-quarantine times.

this weekend, we enjoyed my sunny, quiet backyard during this time of distance. reflecting on my own mind, which i have silenced with a constant business. as difficult as this all had been, i am looking to stay positive and focusing on healing. reopening my mind and challenging it without expectation.

i have spent such a long time standing in place, only moving forward when propelled and prompted. the past might continue to splinter me here and there, but i’m no longer young and naive to remain still and fractured in my little corner of the world. we wander around often blindly like our eyes still feel the sting from the voices who told us we were too much and yet not enough. our backs hunched and our hands covered with burned loves and still questioning how to stop the tremors. the young years have crippled us, left us mad and doubtful right in the margin between an old memory and a blooming possibility. you’re going to survive all of this, i urged quietly to my wrists, lips pressed against the scars. listen, i used to only know how to dissolve so quietly that no one else can feel it, but i think i’m learning how to compromise less and expand more.

week 3 – shelter in place

we are living in a world of sorrows and a valley of many many tears; tears for us, tears for others; i keep chanting, wake up early; exercise; drink good coffee; stop worrying; less screen time. read books, buy books. have a bowl of honey nut oats !

this week was ok and a bit anxiety stricken when my lungs tightened. here’s a fun fact. i’m never sure if my anxiety makes my lungs tighten giving me asthma or if my asthma, gives way to my anxiety and in a way they both are correct and it is like ouroboros. anyway, one thing i’m sure is when it’s goddamn humid out my lungs tighten and like a cat i always map an escape route, but this covid-19 situation put a spanner in my plans as i would rather not go to a hospital anytime soon, and i’m not sure my panicking brain would like that idea.

i had a mild anxiety attack because i was thinking about the hospitals and emergency rooms and how they must resemble a war zone like this show m.a.s.h which i watched ages ago, and how they must be overflowing with these covid-19 people and when i was young, i also spent a fortnight in an emergency area of a hospital (on account i was involved in an accident when my classmates and i went to north india for an field trip and i was so far away from my family or my hometown; and i get to see all kinds of farm accidents, burnt victims, etc) and i also overthought about how if i can’t subside my asthma i may have to go to the hospital (also because my inhaler is on back order; and also the boy was’t home) – fun times !

it is breaking my heart to read about so many unnecessary deaths and all because humans have this need to eat the flesh of animals ! and to top it off, why the fuck people not care about staying home just a few days to contain this ? on friday evening i was in my back yard with my boy kitties, so they can get fresh air and my neighbors were going on a walk together, together !! as if nothing is the matter and they invited me to go with them ! any other time, it’s fine but now a days a big fucking no ! i don’t want to come in contact with someone who i don’t live with. sorry ! i don’t know about all of you, but i have been doing shopping every two weeks ! i order a lot of things for delivery but majority of stuff i get in every two weeks so as to minimize my coming in contact with anyone (exception to this is i go to get veggies every couple of days but this is very late at night and i get in and out in 15 mins) – the two weeks period is so i can check for any symptoms developing just in case.

everything i buy (delivery & things i pickup) i scrub with paper towels soaked in soapy water. scrub scrub i go, the door handles and refrigerator handles, etc. the same goes to the financial times paper i subscribe. before i go out, i deposit fresh clothes by the door and once i get my stuff inside, i shed my clothes, wash hands, put on fresh clothes and toss the clothes in wash.

i have always been a germophobe and i went through phases where i carried my cell phone in ziplock bags (when i was working with hiv, hbv pathogens) and washed my hands raw with alcohol.

who knew life would be like this just because humans eat animal flesh ! i honestly feel like i am living through the scenes of walking dead (tho no zombies and thank the fuck people didn’t turn into zombies) when i go out late, no one is about except for a few people here and there in my neighborhood. mind you, i’m not complaining.

my pastor and elders check in on their congregation and they have a huge reservation about this boy i’m dating. their reservations are he is young and not a believer. and my reservation is he is not a believer. but whenever i look at him, i feel like peeling the layers of his brain to find out why he likes me as i try and keep people at bay, not giving an ounce of warmth till i actually get close to them and getting anyone close to me takes a few days to a few years ! it’s not like he has an ulterior agenda like he loves me because of money (as he makes more than i make) or because i’d make a trophy wife, though i could have been one but i chose academia over superficiality and to top it off, i’ve been a card carrying feminist since i was 15 and i never aspired to belong to a sorority. a slight tangent, what’s wrong with this country ? why do they strive so much to attract men and become fucking cheerleaders ? i heard that marilyn monroe had an iq of 145 or something but excuse me, any woman who has that high of an iq would never bleach her hair blonde, or bat her eye lashes to woo men and talk with barbie like voice and become a doormat for men who just want to use her. (the boy who is reading next to me is cheering me on and is telling me that he will bleach his hair blond for me and will bat his lashes; and i told him that he can suck my proverbial dick) i have been blessed in that i attract real good blokes who love my mind more than my looks and i can’t be thankful enough. this boy is loving and kind and witty;  one time someone asked me why i always keep my hair up (i don’t like to keep it down as i’ve awful lot of hair and i don’t like to brush and so after i wash my hair i wear it up) and the boy went, winking at her, “her hair comes down during the right times” and we all giggled like school girls ! but i still would like him to be a believer, keeping the sabbath, returning the tithes to god (and a vegetarian).

i have been aggressively buying stocks (i bought a bunch of tech stocks this week) with every penny i am saving and i decided i will continue to invest till end of july and in a couple of years i will be able to reap the cash.

we caved and ordered “contactless delivery” pizzas and gosh what a world we live in. i have reverted to the eating habits of my childhood; eat a complete meal including dessert, and coffee around 9 pm. also watched “nightflyers” on netflix and it was silly but interesting. as i haven’t born or raised in this country, i decided i will watch some old shows and started watching “green acres” (which is oodles of fun), and “alf” and lord, alf is really repetitive and not at all my cup of tea.

and oh, this week’s highlights include me cutting my own hair and trying to coax the boy to wax my lady bits as all this hair is annoying the hell out of me; so far he is not willing as he thinks he will hurt me. stay tuned !

there are beautiful things in the world worth fighting for. this long night we’ve come into, holds both nightmares and dreams; mark this passing as solemn time, to be energized, to adjust ourselves to what we should let go and what we should hold onto; all through this turmoil, let’s hope love will rise; bursting through these weeping tears, hope to shouts of transformation; hope our world will be a different place. a new season is dawning quickly for those who follow the pace and even though we can’t see the beauty of this seed, lo, it holds a brand-new way of life.

week 2 – shelter in place

“nous sommes en guerre” (we are at war). these were the words the french president macron pronounced, just after he announced the lock-down of the entire country. as i was watching the news, i got up to cut myself a piece of bread and ate it compulsively with some cheese. and then i cut another one, still eating it without thinking.  then i started biting my nails and felt my chest tight, and it reminded me of my not-so-old anxiety days. as the boy was watching news with me,  he was also talking on the phone with his own families, trying to manage his own stress. that restlessness feeling was growing stronger, my headache got worse, and this is when i realized that this whole situation was giving me too much anxiety. that’s when i realized i had to do something about it.

this situation is, to say at least, historical. the whole world is concerned. i mean, the last time something this huge happened was during the war ! and feeling a little (or really) overwhelmed is more than normal. however, i think we can all do our best to calm down and focus more on what’s important. so if you’ve been feeling really nervous lately, this post is for you.

watching the news is important for updates, but spending all of your days in front of the tv can quickly become overwhelming, especially when you’re also spending time on social media which is also full of (sometimes fake) news. try to turn off the tv and limit the time you spend on social media.. it’s ok to feel a bit of fomo when not being online 24/7, especially now that everyone is having a huge party on social media, but since we’re all going to spend the next weeks stuck at home, putting yourself a limit when it comes to social media is crucial if you don’t want to be nervous and bothered by the general atmosphere.

it is important to remember that even if the world outside is shut down and seems scary this is temporary and that we all should take this time apart to pause our lives for a moment. when we’re used to running from place to place and working with other people it can be quite difficult to slow down, but right now is a great time for introspection, and for raising self-awareness. so accept what is. literally, everyone is in the same situation as you.

use this time to get some rest. try to wake up naturally, take your time, don’t rush anything. you’ll be fine. be aware of your emotions. listen to what they have to teach you. you have now the time to get to know them better and working on letting them go.

remember the good news. 42% of confirmed cases of covid-19 are healing, which means that approx. 90.000 people in the world are doing great. and so are you.

today it was very foggy / misty and a bit chilli but i loved every moment of it.

this week was very productive. not having someone to clean the house was inconvenient and unfortunate but necessary is mother of invention (in my case, buying the already invented) and bought two robot vacuum cleaners (one for upstairs and one for downstairs) and they are fucking worth every penny i spent (i bought a bit expensive version which mops as well) and i highly recommend these appliances as oh ma god ! they are super efficient and cleaned the fuck out of my house. the only downside (?) was i had to put things in an order so that the robots have unhindered pathways. my wee units had different emotional response; some freaked out, some wanted to fight, some were curious, some (deaf ones) didn’t give a toss.

bought more plants and my landscaper will be dropping in sometime next week and so i can design a rain garden.

this week, i was asked to join a crowdfight covid19 research program where all the scientists volunteer their services and work on research/data. after my work, i chill watching news, have dinner and then work on the data analysis into wee hours in the morning which works fine as i don’t have to get up early to run to work. as i don’t belong to any lab, i am analyzing the data and making my observations, and recommendations and i feel awesome and totally useful to the society and not just occupy space and skin.

i probably put on more weight (if that is even possible as i already weigh a ton) thanks to regular meals the boy is cooking.

this afternoon after i came home from my run of picking up groceries from store, my kitty sonu ran off and jumped the fence to my neighbors, which was stressful to me and once he got back home, i had to stifle my urge to whup his cute little tush but instead gave him some roast chicken which i picked up for them anyway.

the relief of hearing rain and knowing the scent that will rise from the earth’s rich and sharp soil.  when the sighing has gone on so long that you wish you had bottled the rain that had fallen last time (last time, last month, last year) and the rain falls like this: a rhythmical silence on the grass but a constant reminder on the window pane like true love giggles, wiggles and then fades like the smoke against the glass.

week -1 shelter in place (sip)

everything feels really fragile right now. i know that everyone is scared, anxious, unsure about the future. and rightfully so. but if anything, let the current moment serve as a reminder for all of you social beings, of how much humans need each other, of how much they rely on each other, and more importantly what our duty is to each other. if we practice social distancing and maintain good hygiene, we both protect ourselves from catching the virus and also protect others by reducing our chance of carrying it and passing it on. wishing all of you health and happiness in these uncertain times. may we all, even if not literally, be there for each other.

not that much changed in terms of my schedule except that i don’t have to get out of the bed at a god awful time to get dressed and run to work. this is a great change and i welcome it. and oh, of course, i still take a shower, and put on a clean shirt… oh the other advantage is that the break from the bleating of terry at work regarding his dietary habits and other crap. he would complain on and on if there is someone to hear it. there are two people he complains to a lot and unfortunately i’m not deaf and so i can hear every single word & he almost became a white noise; he is a very flaky person with no substance & who puts on airs of someone who is intelligent when clearly he is not and  every fucking day, he would complain on and on about this & that and i would just shut him off by listening to some music and my poor boss, started thinking that she is the reason (as i can hear her as well when she is on calls for her meetings) that i’m putting on headphones.

watched a couple of movies vincent and the end of the world (flemish / french), el hoyo (spanish) watched my sci-fi shows. read & reading books; ordered the new asterix comic books; bought more stocks and now debating if i should buy more of my company’s stock; don’t feel great about my company’s performance tbh; waiting on the temps to get warmer so i can plant stuff in the garden;

my church started airing services online and for the first time since i became a seventh-day adventist, i kept sabbath as god intended. i attended the church services without wasting time to travel to church & enjoyed services because of the technology. when the directive came to not have crowd gatherings of 50 (and then 10), my lover was extremely rejoiced and his happiness was short-lived and now he must attend services if he spends time with me or he must go home.

oh, all my kitties came down with sniffles and as a scientist two things i observed; my kitties all came down with upper respiratory infections and currently being given the medications and wondering if there is any bearing with covid (indirect, like something i brought into home has corona virus strain b or i may have already been exposed to covid but as i expected it just passed through me quickly); as almost all my kids are senior kitties, i have a tendency to leave their wet food around in bowls, & plates around the house whether they eat or not; i feed them in the morning and before i leave for work i put out more food and once i get home, throw out the remaining food, and feed them their evening meal, and put out food for the night. you see, my wee units are very picky with their food like their mama and they take a bite and go away and few mins later they come back and eat more. because of this constant food supply, and the windows of my house are always open, there are many flies buzzing about in general to my disgust as the trash in the bins attract flies; but since this covid saga started, no flies can be seen and am wondering if there is a correlation. scientist me, making notes of my observations !

i’ve been stocking up on my kitties’ medication (for minor fevers & ailments, etc, i diagnose and treat the kitties myself). also, last sunday, one of my cats had a huge asthma episode, and after subsiding her attack with albuterol and starting her on prednisolone, i ran to cvs to buy her the inhaler (as it’s no insurance it was bloody expensive $300). and to get more prednisolone for my wee units, on last friday (day before yesterday) i was driving to my vet, and i thought there would be no one on the streets, or to an extent less people. believe it or not, my neighborhood is somewhat quiet but as i was coming towards philly, i saw huge numbers. and i was a bit shocked to say the least. i went and i got the medications, and my vet and i were talking about groceries. so, as i am a vegetarian i have no problem getting fresh veggies & fruits. i had some difficulty finding half & half for my coffee & i was bleating that i may have to start drinking black coffee and my vet told me go to shop-rite, that they are well stocked. so i dropped by the shop-rite, and what a fucking mistake… it was teeming with people. i turned around and fled as fast as i could.

the stupidity of people is beyond my comprehension. i keep thinking that i have come to grips with the human pettiness and stupidity, and then someone goes and does something even stupider, surprising me. case in point, people are dying by thousands and we are still not even at the peak ! and the disease is spreading exponentially and still people are behaving as if there is nothing going on or as though it’s mild case of flu outbreak; stupid teenagers on spring breaks and the partying on the beaches and what not ! honestly, they should be shot !! i actually was dumbfounded when my colleagues at work behaved as though this won’t touch them ! and then there are a few who keep forwarding me “fake news” just ’cause i was being unfortunate to be included in these group texts; and then there are this other category of people who pile up on toilet paper and i’m like why ? this is not cholera ? and even if you run out, that is not the end of your fucking world as all you need to do is jump into shower ? and i have seen this before when people hoarded stuff at the mention of snow; to be fair as i don’t have human children, i’m not hoarding that much and i also think that me being vegetarian doesn’t help in hoarding. so i go out late every other day, to get some veggies and fruits and i would be the only one who would have two or three items 😊

i have so much stuff i need to do around the house, ugh. it’s been weeks of just kinda… maintenance mode. and now i can’t even get a fucking cleaning help. which i know is okay, considering all that’s going on, but it doesn’t really help stave this restlessness, you know ?  i’m incredibly fortunate, especially since both me and my boy can work from home, so i try to focus on that. it has been nice, all things considered, to finally have more time with my insanely overworked lover. it shouldn’t have taken a crisis for his hours to be more liveable, but we live in a capitalistic landscape.

anyway…

pace yourself people ! we are in this for a very long time and so no need to go through all the things which you need to do. if you haven’t already grasped reality, let me explain to you. we may never have normalcy till they find a way to eradicate this virus. not two weeks, not two months. this virus, if it is anything like it’s zoonotic sister variation, if you are exposed, and lived, it will stay dormant in you and will become active when your immunity is down and then kills you. i’m also predicting that if you got infected, even if you live, your lungs may severely be damaged, with lesions, probably scar tissues, and may even end up in getting cancer. it is very tricky virus and it knows how to survive. this is a single strand rna virus and i’m pretty sure is is mutating from person to person and so the genome of this virus is not the same in any two people. and so, no chance of having a good cure.

so stay the fuck home if you have no business to go out ! if you must, wash your hands every time you touch something.

like elnor says “choose to live” !

(star trek: picard)(goddamn proud to use this reference)(waiting to use it for ever !)

life in the time of covid-19

camus’ “the plague” is absurdly relevant these days…  hence forth, year 2020 shall be called “the year of the plague”.

on a reflective sunday morning, looking out the window at a beautiful sunny day, i was thinking about our life as it is these days…. but first things first ! thank the god almighty, who protects those who chose him. he gave me this promise when i was staring into the abyss with no direction and i would like to share this with you all. “he that dwelleth in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the almighty. i will say of the lord, he is my refuge and my fortress: my god; in him will i trust. surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. he shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.” psalms 91:1-4 kjv

i have been preparing since january and still got overwhelmed with all this mostly because people are idiotic and came to office sniffling & with sore throats; and yes a tiny little virus, has brought down the entire world to halt and on it’s knees. and there is rampant panic and i admit it that i am anxious because i am in the high risk category as i’m asthmatic and i don’t want to tempt fate. of course, me being scientist who worked with various pathogens before i know how to take care of myself but that’s a lab setting, and this is real world. i am taking precautions when i go out and as our company encouraged it, i am working from home.

we may be heading for the complete lock down and staying home for months, may be a year if we are lucky, but i’m thinking probably 18 months and being home doesn’t phase me at all on account i’m a born antisocial and so i’m in weirdly privileged position of not being heavily affected by all this social distancing in terms of mental health as i would rather stay home than converse with idiotic people.

how am i spending my days you ask ? i’m chilling with my wee units / i’m reading books / working while listening to classical music /  exercising / making art / playing games / learning new things / investing money & buying stock (perfect time as we are in bear market) / researching stocks / buying objet d’art / buying books / organizing my house & cleaning / i spend more time for morning family worship with my wee units and the boy (when he is around) / cooking meals / debating (and fighting) with my scientist colleagues on facebook about everything and honestly i am happy because this gives me so much of intellectual stimulation. on the whole i should say i’m more productive than before.

and also tom brady left patriots & oh well, life goes on… while i’m really pissed but i see the hand of his wife behind this or he just may realized that he is getting old. who knows.

for those who need social interaction to have a good mental health, here’s a little list and you may add to it

  • clean. being in a clean house will make this so much nicer. if you’re stuck in your house all day, being in a clean home will help. plus, it’s a good exercise (i’m motivating myself).
  • if you have a garden, plant some stuff for spring, tidy it up, feed the birds, whatever.
  • if you have a netflix watch list, go through it.
  • if you’re sick, change your bed. i’ve been cleaning my sheets every other day. it’s nice to have fresh sheets.
  • watch documentaries
  • change out of your pyjamas, even if it’s just into a hoodie and some sweats. you’ll feel better.
  • be creative… paint, collage, sketch. try and improve your skills. get creative!
  • call your family and friends! facetime or phone.
  • rearrange your furniture, create a new ambiance.
  • have a clear out of clothes you don’t wear anymore
  • read !! read books you haven’t read yet or reread your favourite books. get lost in a different world.
  • teach yourself something. i like to study stuff in my own time. botany, human evolution, space, anything. learning stuff is fun when you’re not getting graded on it.
  • fuck it, learn a new language. i’ve been polishing my french, hindi, spanish language skills while learning german & am snoozing my way to the top.
  • bake, cook, make something. create new recipes.
  • if you’re sick, open the windows. its recommended for covid anyway but its nicer to be in bed with the window open.
  • watch nature outside your house. for like half an hour today i watched birds. i counted about 37 this morning.
  • nap
  • journal how you feel or vent to someone. its frustrating being stuck inside
  • make a bucket list