perchance to dream

this week threw me in for a loop and it was all heartachy. i have to let go of another one of my babies and it broke my heart all over again. i became less selfish and learned to let go of them, but goddamnit, the void is immense and i feel like i can’t breathe. and the feeling is worse when my babies die suddenly with no illness symptoms.

anyway, the week was rough. i also had my health check-up and i passed all the numbers but my cholestorl number went beyond optimum and came goddamn close to 220. i think that is ok for now considering the high levels of stress and anxiety i was going though or may be me not going to gym #sidelook. but will sure to get it retested in a couple of months to make sure i’m not slacking off with my health.

in the meantime, my doc keeps pushing me to get therapy because after a long time, i told her what happened to me. i find it easier to write as i remove myself from this and write as a third party. but i know she is right as i have seriously been thinking about getting married as well; after my husband’s death i didn’t think of marriage or even relationship as even before his passing, life kept knocking me down, and i kept getting up only to get knocked down. honestly i didn’t have any strength left to care for someone else and also tbh it wasn’t easy to keep going. and the doctor keep pushing me to see someone to get therapy for reasons, as i have successfully detached myself from anything which would cause me pain or anxiety which includes any commitments to either people or things or places.

so i decided i should write down my feelings so you and i can read it, so i can face them, acknowledge them, confront them and analyse them as clearly, currently i am not. it’s been about 6 years since my husband’s death and i still don’t know how to process my own feelings. i am trained scientist, so i clinically diagnosed myself, separated them out and precipitated them in a dark corner. i can write about them, from an observer’s perspective. i’m able to offer myself a mirrored pool of thought, but i can’t feel them. i swallowed all of my feelings and survive on them. there have been days, weeks, when i refused to eat,unable stomach food because of the large stone of emotion i carry in my stomach.

but as i am thinking of letting someone into my life, and wanting to commit to a marriage, i want nothing more than to know this person, aka me, again. i hate myself for carrying this anger at myself, guilt and sadness. i can see clearly the sunny place beyond the gloom and darkness and i wish to be there, free. but i know i have to face this darkness, and go through it again, and expel the stormy clouds but i don’t know how. sometimes, i wonder if it is justified. is it ? i want to walk through life gushing with love for humans. i hate myself for having this darkness in my heart. i have contemplated ending my life more than once. i want to be in control of my entire existence.

i think it is only fair for this man, whoever it may be, who wants to be my other half. and i have to let him come closer to me and let him to get to know me.

personally i think the hardest part about getting to know me isn’t just his insecurities, or fears, or hesitations. it’s mine. in effect he will be fighting a war in my head and my heart that’s derived from every person’s let down that’s comes before him. . so now here you are fitting no mold, you were never like anyone else, and you’re trying to break through a cast that seems to be  miles deep while bearing your own cast of steel. it’s heavy and it’s hard but every once in a while you get this glimpse of what’s behind the wall and you know it’ll all be worth it. and you know that even if you’re not the one who takes the last piece of that wall down, you’ll have helped heal what’s behind it in hopes that someone more deserving than you gets to see what i’ve gone to the depths of hell protecting. i’m often lost in doubt  my actual aspirations are too ambitious; yet my self-doubt even more determined, hence i stick myself in the same day after day, year after year instead of chasing a lighting that is a pledge of a fire that’ll consume me.

i am hoping that someone (even if slightly) pick up on the hints of my misery mirroring hamlet’s misery (in his soliloquy), smile as i do when you hear “perchance to dream” or pick your own strings of words, and doubt the cowardice he blames on conscience.

the funny thing about healing is that it comes from within our own, singular minds. we may think we need other people to save us, but i know now that’s all just smoke and mirrors. we believe what we feel to be true. but truth has no interest in making us feel whole. truth takes us and breaks us, fragments our hearts, destructs the careful realities we have constructed in our minds to make us happy. your thoughts can save you but your thoughts can also kill you. truth and belief are no friend of each other when we’re talking about peace (piece) of mind. believe what you can while you can, because here i’m again, lying in bed, and i haven’t felt safe in years when i am with humans.

we don’t need other people to make us feel whole, but we believe that we need other people to make us feel whole. and that’s the human difference.

rite of spring

le premier février ! well technically it’s le 2 fevrier today. yesterday when i woke up i was greeting my cats with a happy “bonjour, aujourd’hui c’est le premier février” and my kitty boy horus thought it was just the bees knees and got very happy and excited and i figured out that he loved the sound of “le premier février” for whatever reason and so i kept saying it to him and he kept squeaking with joy ! oh yes my dears, i do speak in french to my cats and they are bilingual or trilingual as they understand english, french and speak meow. one time, (a long time ago as now i’m an orphan) i was talking to parents in my mother tongue and this was the first time my kids heard me speak in a different language and you should have seen their little faces which are full of exclamation and confusion !

honestly guys, it’s the most beautiful beginning for any given year and i’m goddamned pleased to have a whole month of spring / winter mix…. days are pleasantly springish and nights are winterish. i have started on my garden of spring mixes and ordered some potting soil and bulbs.

so the boy was in netherlands (he is back now) attending some training conference and i was in church on friday evening for sabbath services when he started texting me on the various things he thinks are relevant to “what makes an innovative society ?” and some of his weird thoughts included, mushrooms, being gay,fascism…. i was struggling to not giggle and i finally had to shut off my phone.

been a long week in a series of long weeks (all good but very tiring) and now it’s time to settle into some hot chocolate and gobble up a night you & i will love. boy and i went to bach’s “mass in b minor” at the kimmel center. it was done by philly orchestra conducted by yannick nézet-séguin. i love dolling up in sequenced gowns and giving the car for valet parking. afterwards boy took me to a gay coffee bar and said “you can enjoy the view” for it’s full of good looking gay men and alas, what a waste !

this week’s one of the highlights is american boy pouting for two days, and i believe he is still pouting, for reasons, which makes me super confused as i’m not sure how to translate. his name is stuck in my teeth like popcorn. do you feel me in your bones, like i’m an inescapable force. constantly finding ourselves in the same orbit. like i’m sure how the moon felt the first few millennia she spent struggling to break off course.. nature is absolute. no matter how we try and deny it.

for the record, i wasn’t chasing him as he showed no interest and he can ask me out if he chooses to, but he also should realize that unlike all the women he is used to, i’m super intelligent, opinionated & well read and not to mention i will knock him down if he tries to put me down. having said that, i’ve no intention of putting my life on hold while he is making up his fucking mind.

i named some people in my department as pea brains and i don’t have to explain why as the name is self explanatory. the boy is currently working on a short story based on the tidbits i feed him.

the first month of the year has been both refreshing and exhausting with equal measure. i started the year full of motivation and ideas ready to be explored, but sometimes, and by sometimes i mean always, life decides to throw some hurdles your way. i don’t want to dwell on the negativity though. they say, “better days are coming”, but love, sometimes, things don’t really happen. they don’t materialize; don’t work out. some things just don’t come better when you don’t start making something good out of the bad days.  i feel like a frozen dragon for now and but don’t count me out as my heart is still on fire.

Also, as it’s superbowl, go san francisco patriots !

2020-02-02

et bonne année 2020

wow it has been a few weeks since i last posted ? well happy new year, and here’s a dollop of me and what i’m up to now a days. were i a seashell and were you to come along, pick me up, and put me to your ear, this is what you’d hear today.

i feel winter warm and blanket soft and it snowed today… we had some splendid, respectable snow and while listening to bach i’m puttering around the house thinking february is around the corner rushing in smelling of snow and wood smoke. where did january go ? oh by the way, by the time i put some warm clothes on and strolled downstairs to shovel, scott, my neighbor already took care of it which is really such a nice thing to do and so i went and threw salt (pet-safe) on our walkways as that’s the least thing i could do. i probably will get him a thank you cake tomorrow.  it was really nice day to lounge about in underwear and drink cocoa.

my christmas vacation was fantastic on account that it was respectably cold for december with no snow and a few clear nights so i went (with the boy) star gazing and dwelling on the nature of planets and stars and searched the skies for ufos / aliens. new year came in swiftly and casually and with right notes, and with american boy smelling like orange blossoms but it quickly hit sour notes (what the fuck life ?) with patriots out of american football play-offs.

i’m mostly happy and anxious free but my anxiety hits high notes when my kids get sick. it makes me sick to my stomach when i think they are suffering. as they are growing old their wittle bodies are slowing down.

all i do now a days is eat healthy, not go to gym (shame on me) and read books (after waiting months i finally got to borrow eleanor oliphant is completely fine) or watch news / bbc sit-coms. can’t ask more from my life, as my asthma is under control, thanks to my decision to blow money on parking and drive to work every day and so no prednisone and no albuterol and so your truly is feeling fantastic and super horny. can you believe that i, who yelled at the boy for pouncing on me every time he sees me (and ripping off a number of new panties), have the unmitigated gall to l say a sad “please sir can i have some more ?” which gave him a temporary upper hand which lasted only till i orgasmed for the nth time of the night… you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become a pathetic loser.

work life is fine as i have decided as long as i get paid the right kind of salary i don’t need to grow because i started investing and so god willing, i will retire in a few years (five plus or minus). so recently we acquired a new colleague mike, and i have to mention him. i think i already mentioned him once before. he is such a sweet heart and kind and i have awful suspicion that he may have a huge crush on me or he may just be being friendly but my women’s intuition is telling me that he “like” likes me. and honestly i love that attention but i refrain to flirt back as he is not yet thirty and i don’t date anyone under thirty. but i am keeping him as a back up plan as this boy would make an excellent husband and did i mention that he is kind ? and i figured i don’t have to train him much to make me a good husband. but alas, he is young and he probably should have a whole family like children and cats. in the mean time while i am amused, i am also curious to know what he really is thinking and i will keep you posted if i find out.

you know, i’ve really gotten to a point in my life where i have a healthy fear of bach and that’s what we call growth. i recently heard this concerto playing on radio (thank you gregg whiteside of wrti) and oh ma lord, i had to pull over and listen to it while crying. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rkucnttars.

so this is one of the coolest things i’ve heard in a long time… bach’s mysterious and almost jazzy concertos and may i also add, orgasmic music.

the fact is at this time of my life i’m finally willing to admit that without bach life would be a mistake. i can’t believe bach wrote an entire cantata  (20+ minutes) about coffee because honestly, same.  and the other funny things he did : picked a fight with a bassoonist calling him a “nanny-goat bassoonist”; threw his wig at a musician who played a wrong note; the second movement of brandenburg concerto no. 3, which is just two half-note chords.

and the coffee cantanta is such a funny story – when i first heard this cantanta, i went and looked up the libretto for the story. bach did this c. 1735. through trade and changing economic situations, coffee became popular in europe during the 18th century, and coffee houses opened up where people would sit and relax with a cup of coffee while listening to some kind of entertainment. thanks to this newfound caffeine rush, i’d argue, the enlightenment philosophic movement took off [for better or worse]. however, not everyone was in on the coffee craze. it seems that in germany, for example, some people may have been worried that coffee drinking was a bad habit. and j.s. bach, notable for writing deeply profound religious cantatas, decided to write a short comedy, and most likely this was meant to be played at a coffee house. the “coffee cantata” opens up with a narrator telling the audience to quiet down and get ready for the story, already establishing the lighthearted mood. it starts off with a man named schlendrian [literally “stick-in-the-mud”] who is annoyed that his daughter, lieschen, is addicted to coffee and refuses to stop drinking it no matter how much he insists she should. lieschen even sings a love aria…to coffee itself. schledrian threatens to get rid of his daughter’s things, like clothes and food, unless she stops drinking coffee. she ignores him. pondering on what he could do to convince her, schledrian decides that he will forbid her to marry unless she drops her coffee habit. she gives in. but when schledrian finds suitors for her to judge, she secretly tells them that she will only marry if her future husband lets her have all the coffee she wants. it ends with a “moral”: drinking coffee is natural. and, that’s it. it’s charming and silly, and it’s a good example to fight off the people who think bach is too cold and stoic and serious. and it is as relatable now as it was back in the baroque era. today, the world runs on coffee, and caffeine addictions are pretty common, and probably the least harmful addiction out there. the love aria to coffee is so relatable, “ah ! how sweet coffee tastes ! lovelier than a thousand kisses, smoother than muscatel wine. coffee, i must have coffee, and if anyone wants to give me a treat, ah !, just give me some coffee !” and my favorite line comes from lieschen who laments “if i couldn’t, three times a day, be allowed to drink my little cup of coffee, in my anguish i will turn into a shriveled-up roast goat”, because honestly y’all, same.

i love how some composers were able to take an instrument to a whole other level through their works, making it sound like it never had before, in a completely new light. like i always adored mozart and bethoven and to an extent chopin. chopin’s nocturnes and bach’s art of the fugue are the two examples that come to my mind when i think about how these composers had such a brilliant understanding of the instruments they wrote these pieces for that they literally composed in a way that exploited the potential of the piano & the organ to an extent nobody ever has.

so my darlings, here’s to brand new experiences and new memories. i’m hoping to enjoy life deeply, explore my surroundings and hopefully have another ufo experience like the one i had a few years ago. also friendly reminder that saying yes to new experiences and opportunities even if you’re a little afraid of them is super brave and great !!! but also remember that you have a right to say no and that you do not owe anybody (even yourself) an explanation. we can’t take care of other things if we are not taking care of ourselves first. ciao mes petites !

all that jazz….

i feel like november whizzed by with barely a bat of an eyelid this year. time seems to be passing in very strange ways for me at the moment; the days dragging out and weeks feeling impossibly long, i spend the majority of my time trying to distract away from reality / pass time as quickly as possible (to little / no avail at the moment) but the months ? the months are flying by ! like how in the name of fuck is it december already ?!?

my drives to work (or anywhere else tbh) got really spectacular…classical which makes me feel as though i were flowing, and autumn / winter is magical time of the year as the air is crisp and clean. as i mentioned before i started driving to work every day and after experimenting with various radio stations to distract me from the people on the road, i finally hit wrti 90.1 (classical and jazz) and wow my drives got so much emotional and sublime ! almost all my drive time i’m usually tearing up as this music is coursing through me, filling me up with this sweet music.  mornings they play classical and during evenings they play jazz (after 5ish). i have missed both so much ! i used to regularly attend symphonies at kimmel and went on dates with my husband to jazz bars especially zanzibar blue in philly and god i miss dressing up chic and swinging to the blues !

i love classical and jazz because they are so chilling, they give me the sense of relaxation. so when i am driving back from work, with sun already set and driving through the dark and windy roads, jazz transports me to those cool air-conditioned, dimly lit, luxurious bar, (smoke filled i imagine myself) i can just feel the cold air surrounding me whenever i listen to these jazz and blues music.  you can just feel the vibes and you could just feel how much you wanna start singing out loud and as i don’t know the lyrics i just go humming., i know i am not completely able to convey my feelings when i listen to jazz and classical, but what i can surely say is that these both music genres are relaxing as a great fuck !

this evening i was moved by these two particularly – listen to these and you will thank me.

yo-yo ma havanaise op 3 saint saens (the swan).

mark whitfield – harlem nocturne

on thanksgiving eve, i went shopping gathering the needful stuff so i don’t have to run around on thanksgiving day and friday.  while driving, i have been listening to wrti and driving around from shop to shop like a little bee buzzing about and i was driving home when they started playing the requests and someone requested dvorak string quartet no. 12 in f major lento “american” by hagen quartett (https://youtu.be/20cwxpo338i) and the timing was perfect… the breeze started picking up and it was becoming windy and all the autumn colored fall (fallen) leaves were beckoned by this gentle wind and they started dancing in a swirl of golden memories and it was the loveliest sight of all ! lads let me tell you, i was moved so much at this sight and as this music started bathing me with emotions and found myself crying helplessly… string instruments like violins have a knack to evoke melancholia ?

i chuckled to myself when i saw american boy as he walked into the kitchen at work while i was busy going through my brewing coffee ritual. he and i are like twinsies as we often wear same colored shirts / tops : case in point, i wore a black shirt today & he waltzed in wearing black. whenever i see american boy, i’m reminded that love is such a losing game.

a lot happened since my last blog and so a few updates: october ran away taking the rest of the leaves. the day before halloween i came home to find a kiddie drawing on my front porch. it brought me so much joy and it was done by scott’s (my neighbor) daughter. her name is kinsley (at first i thought her name was kinthia). she is 7 years old and one day i had a brief convo when i let out my twin boy cats for some sun and fresh air out in our backyard and she was playing with their dog. though i don’t do halloween, i bought her some candies as this little gesture of hers gave me such pure pleasure.

patriots have lost another game sadly, but i’m ok as i’m pretty sure they will win the superbowl ! warriors, my fav basket ball team, have many baby warriors, and steph curry, and others are injured and needless to say, we won’t be making it to the playoffs… i’m fine with that as well and whenever the baby warriors are playing, i keep muttering to myself “i’m groot”

i’ve been limping a bit lately as i’ve a pinched sciatic nerve. not sure how it happened. i had a massage the previous day from another masseuse as my regular one was on vacation. and that same night, during sex, i got all twisted up and semi fell on to the floor (not much distance to fall as i only have a mattress and no bedframe) but the point is i have ended up in a weird angle and we continued to have sex which i later regretted as i ended up with some bruises and pains and this may have also twisted my hips  well serves me right !

thanksgiving was grand as i caught up with lots of shows and ate a lot.. slept a lot  ! boy went to visit his grandparents (he wanted me to go and i’m not ready yet. more of the point is will i ever be ?!?)

i have also bought astronomy binoculars a step towards buying a bad-ass telescope as i so badly want to look at the moons of jupitar and the rings of saturn ! speaking of planets, there’s a great semi-documentary on netflix called “mars”. and yours truly also bought solar binoculars to look at some sun spots and solar flares…  i will take a trip soon to cherry springs state park to have a star gazing picnic with the boy and i am going to join an amateur astronomers club…

i am planning to have some cozy long winter drives, day dreams and night theories… where in those long, midnight drives, somewhere in those letters of i love you’s i never said, in the creases of my month-old sheets and in the calls i never made, somewhere between the daybreak and quiet sunday mornings, between the lamp posts in the streets, between tonight and the first night i knew you, between the sounds of hellos, and the sound of my heart breaking – somewhere out there, darling, is a place where i’m still holding you in my arms.

(2019-12-03)

drizzly friday

this is how we roll !

it’s foggy, cold, and drizzly outside…that drizzly kind of rain that clings to everything and covers the world with dewdrop diamonds…. the perfect friday for staying under sheets, cuddles with kitties, and immersive reads… hope it clears out by tonight as we are going to have meteor showers and i’m ready with my blanket to watch them whiz by…

2019-11-22

autumn mists

i have been driving to work lately as the trains have become increasing unreliable and the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back was when i had to go back home to get the car because the goddamn train broke down and i detest driving during rush hour as lots of morons are on the road at the same time. but in general i do love driving when no one else is on the road as i love to get lost in my thoughts as my brain is marvelous in thinking things and it has been amazing these few days weather-wise as it is after all fall and the trees are changing colors and i’ve been insanely happy during these glorious morning and evening commutes. i’m also listening to some webinars and other good stuff.

beautiful beautiful autumn ! every year i fall in love with nature and get lost in it’s brilliance of colors. here are a few of the photos of my morning commute where i’ve driven through mists and fog and lost in all of the beauty; the trees changing colors in my vale and my neighborhood and alas lots of yellows but not many reds :/ (i’ll post my evening one as well as it is also super amazing driving thru the dark, twisty roads, with trees towering and changing the landscape giving it a little spooky feel)

the first breath of autumn, the distance from my heart to you ! for what is the point in always looking back – we have our own twilights, shadows, mists and abysses.

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conversations

i pause my life on sundays to take stock at my life and reevaluate goals, and apparently i am doing a fucking good job with my life so far, and so big fat pat on my back. the biggest lesson i’m learning is that nothing is as extreme or as permanent as our emotions convince us they are. nothing is certain and things are always fluctuating and there are always exceptions and there are always mistakes. there is always pain and there is always love. everything is a delicate touch away from changing (feels like i have said this or wrote this before).

i like deep thinkers. i don’t like normal conversations and i look forward to intellectual conversations with my friends. people are so goddamn stupid and they can’t hold a convo if their life depends on it and not to mention most of it is fake and oh yes, i also talk shit as well about things of no importance because i’ve to socialize. usually i keep having a soliloquy at work to stop my brain from liquefying. some days it actually pains me to talk to people and i honestly think my conversations with my cats have more substance.

the boy is reading a book on egyptian literature (the tale of two brothers) as i am interested in egyptian civilization (ancient civilizations interest me like babylonia, mayan, incan, etc.) and he and i were reading in bed this morning as it rained and rained all morning and apparently there is a line in the book which goes like: “come, let’s spend an hour sleeping (together). you shall put on your wig.” wow egyptians ! needless to say, i would be borrowing the book to find out what that’s all about and how a wig can be an aphrodisiac.

i love the moments when i lie down in boy’s lap and listen to his ridiculous conversation. once he told me that there is heartbeat in my fingertips and he kissed my fingers. we always seem to have tumbled into a world of half awake and half asleep and i love to just listen to him rambling on and on about things which make no sense, but at the same time make a whole lot of sense.

this morning the boy and i were talking about my own feelings of self-worth in relationships (with my family, friends). and he asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, a total bitch etc. and he said “you named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you are” and y’all..my mind was blown that’s gonna stick with me forever like he then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about me that he likes and those which he thinks anyone else would like as well and i hadn’t even considered those because like he said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person and goddamn if that’s not love i don’t know what is !!

with this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. when people say the reasons that they love / like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them ? and are they equating your worth with how much you do for them ?

for example: “you’re such a good listener. you’re so generous, you’re so compassionate. you’re always there for me. you always hold me down. you’re reliable” versus (as the boy puts it) “you’re so funny ! you’re very vibrant. you’re creative, passionate, and intelligent. you’re optimistic. you’re so talented at cooking, (he added fucking as well)” etc. i think that’s very telling.

recently i was talking to a woman (who shall remain nameless) and she told me that she gets so happy when her husband does something trivial like make the bed. and when women says things like “my man washed a dish and cooked me a dinner once” and they are so goddamn proud of it; it makes me so sad for such women like you know, these women never have orgasms.

i recently read a story about how dutch police arrested a bird for its involvement in a store robbery (it belonged to the thief and so was caught red-handed with the thief) and so they put the bird in a cell as well with bread and water and when the news reported the story, they put a black bar over the bird’s eye to protect it’s identity and i promise you i’m not make this shit up and i cracked up and laughed so hard.

https://www.rtvutrecht.nl/nieuws/1963769/utrechtse-politie-pakt-vogel-op.html

speaking of cracking up, on friday, my colleague eric & i were conversing and he once was looking for ketchup and i gave him some and then whenever i see ketchup packs, i started hoarding them for him. so i was telling him that, and he went, thanks i will get them from you on monday for my breakfast. and of course, you know i have to ask what breakfast needs ketchup. he said he puts ketchup on eggs and i was like “no, you don’t” ! and we had a debate and guys, i kid you not, americans are a bunch of weirdos. so naturally, i googled and i came across this article which forbade people from putting ketchup on eggs (scrambled or otherwise) which i promptly printed a copy for eric and gave him that. and i cracked up when the writer concludes the article with the following: “wait, but i like ketchup on eggs. what can i do ? talk to your dentist about getting your taste buds removed.”

well, another week is here and can you believe it, we have only a handful of days in 2010s ! brady and patriots had another victory, having won 8 games and still undefeated, and i can’t wait to see them in action when they are in philadelphia. while my fav football team is marching away gloriously, alas my fav basket ball team, golden state warriors, is still going through adjustments and recovering from injuries and i’m hoping they would recover quickly and become their ferocious selves.

words left unspoken things left undone. good night y’all, you beautiful internet people, see you in a bit.

2019/10/27

hello fall !

i feel that my ordering online (kitty food, makeup, groceries) is out of control as they come in boxes and our recycling (and trash) is on monday morning, and god help me, as it also rains the same time without failing, and i don’t like to leave the boxes out for the recycling collectors because they will get wet and turn mushy. so my downstairs is now full of boxes and we (my kitties and i) are hopping over them like they are obstacle course and i thought of cleaning up the downstairs and collapse the boxes so i can stack them up, but the lazy side of me proclaimed fuck it, we die like men !

i write “my husband” on here all the damn time like it’s nothing, but the minute i say that phrase aloud to another human being i feel as if i’ve aged fifty years. i’ve yet to say “my boyfriend” to another human being or even write it as i’m still not sure about that relationship and what am i, ten year old, and i feel silly and also, i don’t want to be in a relationship. the boy assures me that we don’t “have to be” in a relationship; but he always talks about marriage and yes dudes & dudettes, i want to get married (and not sin) to him but he is an atheist (also a meat-eater), and i don’t like to force people to convert or go to church just because of me. god knows we have enough of those who fill the pews at our churches… is this a test ? can i just stop being horny all the time and not think of sex for a couple of hours so i can become a nun and not deal with “i should marry this boy because i’m fucking him”. i can honestly say my brain thinks only three thinks on repeat; cats, sex, food and inserts other functions in between.

the past few days have been about reading and learning about diversifying my portfolio and researching on investing opportunities. i have learned so much and it actually makes me enjoy the process so thoroughly. i have also been working on my asthma aka getting off steroids; to this end, i have bought things to help me with breathing exercises. for the first time after all these years, i am hopeful that i will kick off asthma and be rid of the steroids. the boy and i giggle a lot when my face looks bloated on steroids, he says i look like a squirrel with nuts stuffed ! lol bastard !

i performed a procedure on my kitty boy, winter, last weekend. a couple of weeks ago, i have seen him limping around and is shying away from putting any weight on one of his front paws and i thought may be he sprained his leg or had a fracture when he was doing his victory lap around the first floor after he pooped (cats do that all the time) – so i gently checked his legs to see if he would squeal in pain but i got no reaction and i thought it might have been a sprain and so i gave him a couple of days to recover and if he was still limping then i would take him to the vet and in the meantime, i also got him started on antibiotics. but soon after winter stopped limping and i went about my business. but last weekend, i saw that one of his paws was puffier than the other. i was just about to go out to attend a real estate investors meeting, but of course, my kids are a priority for me, so i dropped everything and i grabbed him and checked his front paws and i found the problem. his claws have grown into the toe beans and like dug into the soft pads and it happened on both of the front legs. i called my vet to bring him but it being a sunday, the clinic was only for emergencies and usually she would make allowances for my kids, but she had an emergency and so i decided i would do the procedure (removing the ingrown claws) myself instead of waiting till monday; after all, i have dissected the fruit-fly brains and yep, winter was not pleased as one of the paws (the one he was not putting his weight on) had begun to get infected, but surgery i did and he almost bit me and was pissed with me for about two days. i got back into his graces by giving him catnip and other treats and i wanted to check his paw as he wouldn’t let me clean it with antibiotic cleanser after the procedure, and he was like “no, thank you !” but he was a good boi and he took his antibiotics when i gave him and he forgave his mama !

oh good news, we recently acquired another company and my boss tells me they do provide medications for pets and i am thrilled as it would be a bit less expensive (as we would get it for three month supply). also, i am planning to go to patriots v eagles game when patriots visit philadelphia and i want to have the seats as close to the patriots bench as possible, but alas, the tickets are currently at $900 + and i’m waiting for the ticket price to go down a bit but i may have to buy it almost at that price and unfortunately that would mean that yours truly will be going all by her lonesome self as the boy won’t buy his ticket at that price and that’s ok by me because i’m an adult and i can sit and shout all by myself. the american boy suggested that if i go to the stadium, i may be called names (as i am patriots fan) and i slightly enjoyed his concern (?) but fuck it, i am not missing out on this opportunity because eagles fans are a bunch of balls-less bullies. but i will be sporting pepper spray just in case !

ever since my husband’s death, i have learnt to grab life by it’s balls, and enjoy every minute of it.  life is not the same for everyone, we have to find moments to make it worth living. sometime its just a smile, an innocent face, a moment from past. we see many people everyday with tired faces, tired of their current situations though they have everything in life. i don’t understand why they complain so much in spite having everything ! my mother used to say, it’s very important to be content with what you have ! otherwise you will always be unhappy ! i’m glad to say that in spite of everything, and all the sadness i have to trudge through i remember to cherish the things which i have and love to live ! the most beautiful thing i see when i drive through the impoverished areas of my city is to  see the smile on the faces of the poor children. they have no achievement, no money, nothing to cherish at all yet they have a beautiful smile on their face, not like the fake smiles i see being put on everyday…

my lover tells me that it’s okay to be emotional and soft, but there’s a time and a place for everything. sometimes you need to be stern, sometimes you need to be a pillar when everyone around you starts crumbling down— people that you love will need someone to hold on to when things get rough. be that person for them. kindness goes a long way, he tells me. my wild spirited flower is growing down the right side of his heart— he has the lightest beauty marks on the right side of his neck. you would have loved to meet him

to live an enchanted life, simply fall in love with the nature around you. idk how to describe it exactly but i really love how hearty fall is. like it’s all refreshing weather, strong earthy smells, sturdy boots and thick knit sweaters, bold colors and warm, filling meals like soup and mash potatoes and oatmeal with golden syrup on top. it’s the comfort season.

i think i am on verge of something wonderful !

2019/10/13

 

reminders

so fall is officially here and september is passing without all those cold damp days !!  my heart and soul have yearned all year for short days, crisp air, and leaves of red and gold drifting slowly to the ground. i thrive in autumn. in autumn, it feels as though i can finally breathe. i am ready for cozy blankets, homemade apple pies, pumpkin candles, fuzzy socks, the smell in the air as the wind blows cool. i am wholeheartedly ready for autumn.

i love wearing oversized sweaters, eating soups, crunch leaves, aargh !! i am alive !!

as i’m writing this, my cat petals is next to me dreaming of something and making soft noises. i’ve come to realize that i’m living in some sort of valley even tho the mountains, are not actually mountains, but they are a respectable hills… i’m super excited for fall to arrive to paint the trees with beautiful strokes of orange, red, yellow… i live in an eden, y’all !

my boys patriots have been marching towards superbowl whatever, crushing their opponents, creating unnecessary drama (aka atonio brown) and they have been better than they were before. on my health update: past week has been a bit rough for me as i was mostly “light headed”. i think the prednisone had functioned only way too well and my lungs were completely open and i was breathless for completely different reasons. well i immediately stopped taking prednisone monitoring my breathing and keeping myself consciously focused. also i was the first one to get a flu shot for this season.

i’ve been interviewing as people keep bugging me. but i have set my salary high as i really don’t need to look for another job.

the biggest update of my life is :  the coop girls from work and i have formed an investment group and we are planning to invest in various joint ventures. i am thrilled to bits because this actually challenges me as i am not made to work from 9 to 5. i have tried to no end to get more skills from the goddamn department where i work, but that came to no fruition. what pisses me off more is that none of those people, i approach got no balls to tell me that they don’t want to teach me. but despair not ! i have found others who are willing to teach me and take my help.

the girls whom i have come to think of as my daughters, and i work at a lot of logic puzzles and when we chat we are always talking about our careers, future and us being feminists. i really think they look up to me as their mentor, and they have a lot of admiration for me and vice versa. they are young and getting started on their lives and i am really happy to make that impact on their lives and even if they take a nanobyte of what i taught them and apply to their lives, my purpose is done. i  really think as humans, we should be more than a simple mammal which eats and poops… i need to challenge myself and excel. and working on investing gives me that outlet. i’ve given myself five years to stabilize my life which was upside down with my husband’s death and i’m patting myself on my back as it’s not yet year three, and i’m well ahead of the schedule !

the girls the other day did the sweetest thing for me. in passing i mentioned to them i love when someone leaves me notes. and both my husband and my love julien used to leave me notes and i miss that a lot. so on monday, when i went to work, my whole monitor was filled with post it notes and they were quite creative. i laughed so much and also, i fucking teared up ! i need to bring those notes to my home so i can cherish them when i am old and sitting in a rocking chair with a couple of kitties on my lap.

already buying a house went on a back burner this year and in lieu of that i thought of buying another suv, and was debating between bmw x7 and bmw x5 and i have finally settled on x5, but i think i am gonna push that to the back burner till next year.

i’m quite pleased with myself lately as i’m very energized and seemed to be on the road to healing. the darkness seems to be making way to light, sun, humor and best of all, the feeling of doom is slowly going away..

missing my husband a lot. i mean it’s five years already and why the fuck can’t i forget ?  i went out with the boy and sat a table for five in a moroccan restaurant, that exclusively played classical music, and he assured me that i should write more poetry and that the world would listen if i spake….. i told him he should get laid, preferably by me. i was there before, soon after my husband had died. i remembered looking around me through my tears and secretly hoping someone would fall in love with me.  it was ages ago and i have paved my ways with my teeth… constantly grinding them and tightening them.

life was strange and always always hard for me. i constantly remind myself of the good friends, lovers who saved me from ending it all. tears and more tears. i have seen good and bad. went through a lot and through it all. i haven’t learned much. but i have given up on fighting and wanting. lather. rinse. repeat.

when my love julien died, i’ve thrown away all of my calculators since i’ve seen last of him. i no longer needed to measure the speed of my blood which flows in my vein when he walked towards me.

i grew weary. who is it that said our beds are crowded with the ghosts of our past ? i don’t have many ghosts but i have bitter shadows. the boy is away for his work and i keep waking up to the sound of my heartbeat. i’m writing a poem for him in the shower. i often find myself in the grips of loneliness. is this what love is ? or is it the myth of love…

the boy assures me. he is ready to marry me. he pledged that he will be faithful to me. i told him, once, twice, on repeat… i don’t care for his promises; as long as you are open and honest with me. all i want from him is that he won’t forget. i want to be able to look at a mirror and not see the ghosts of my past who dug their graves inside me. if i were to be a cemetery to all these ghosts, i at least want to be able to have a garden and not just be a rotting old coffin who houses all these ghosts. let me bloom. let me stretch my neck towards the stars & gather the warmth. let me water them with my tears. let me hold my skin together to house my withering spirit and not sink into the darkness. this is not a lament at being heart broken. this is just a simple wish to gather the moons, stars & wishes and put them in my pockets. after all, pants with pockets are really important when the nights are this cold and dark.

sunset kisses

current exhaustion level: just tried to put glasses on when i was already wearing glasses, momentarily sporting two whole pairs of glasses on my face and only dimly thinking, something feels off….

finally it’s september ! ah september, the doorway to a season when i come alive ! it has finally cooled down enough for me to have the windows open all day and that has well and truly been (nearly) the only thing keeping me sane this week. but it’s got hot and humid again today. in a preemptive action, i started another course of prednisone. i think i have come to an understanding with this as i actually like breathing really well because of prednisone and am controlling my appetite, by skipping dinners or eating only fruits.

life is going as slowly as it could. i’ve been spending way too much time with humans lately and frankly it’s pissing me off. currently reading “girls burn brighter” by shobha rao and it is set in my home state (where they speak telugu) and boy i tell you…  today i came to a place where the girl is getting tortured because her father hasn’t yet paid the remainder of the dowry and i just was so upset, i had to slam the ipad shut and physically take myself out of my cubicle and had to take a walk to calm the fuck down !! then i went and ranted to mike as i was telling him that i was waiting to borrow this book. mike has recently joined out company and he still has that excitement of a freshly employed, and his eyes glow like dark marbles. he is a bit different and he impressed me when he told me that he gets up at 5 am so he can go work out and then read !! reminded me of my husband as he used to wake up at a god awful hour like around 2:30 – 3 am and go bicycling for couple of hours and come home and read till it’s time for me to wake up and he would bring me a cup of coffee to wake me up ! dude, i miss you so fucking much !

the other day “not ross” boy commented “i want to grow old with you but honestly achievement unlocked” because when we just rolled up to petsmart, he (and i realized) that we are accidentally wearing pastel pink outfits. umm, not sure what i should feel, and am i in a relationship now ? aargh ! i don’t wanna be in a relationship (throws a tiny tantrum), i like being single and not having to interact with any of the relatives !? and also can i get a free house in florida ?

the boy is considerably younger than i and i have absolutely no issues with that but i still think he should sire some kids but he detests children. a handful of days ago, i was coming home having discovered entirely new route which not only cuts my commute by 10 mins (driving) but also takes me through crops and open fields and i get to see sunrise every day and i’m happy and blissful to breath in fresh air and watch the skies and sun; but i digress as usual, anyway, i saw some sky divers in one of the open fields and i mentioned this to the boy and he immediately wanted to go and jump. on one hand i’m envious because the day i was supposed to go and jump out of a plan was the day (valentine’s day) i found out that i was pregnant; but i’m like “boy, i’m thinking of making you the step-papa for my kitties” and he said he wouldn’t mind being a dad to them. but i am just looking for a step-dad for my kitties as my husband will always be their dad. anyways, the boy went and jumped and i sulked on the ground.

now that summer is over, i started on my fall / winter self-care. here are a few of favorites : spraying some lush eau-de-parfume or eau-de-toilette after my shower / putting on a clean bra / undershirt and feeling super clean / dressing up just to go to a favorite french cafe on the weekends, ordering a nice croissant and chocolate cake and eating it in a small park near my house / putting on my favorite songs and listening to them on my bed while drifting off to sleep / going to those used book stores and browsing all afternoon (also, i would love to be kissed by ze american boy in a book store) / wearing agent provocateur panties / having orgasms. often. / eating home made fruit salads  / drinking tea and watch leaves fall / after dinner, walking around my neighborhood with my music on and peering at people through their windows

buttons (featured in one of my photos) is currently in that extremely hyperactive-kitty-cat-play-fever mode where if he sits still he’ll die and the slightest move on my part is met with tiny bites and swats and scampering and ten-foot vertical leaps and this is somehow both heart-meltingly cute and aggressively annoying BECAUSE I WAS JUST SITTING HERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS PLEASE DO NOT SLAP ME SIR….

sir !

sIR !

SIR !

my cats always make me a partner in their crimes. the other day after i got home and fed my kitties, and just after sundown, sonu was in super hyper crazy nocturnal predator bug-eyed mode and there i was indelicately lounging about on my bed, watching news or some other shit, and this boy just rocket launched himself face first in my no-fly zone. i literally got pussy slammed !

‘seize the day’ they say. and idid. i kept it in your eyes. those staring, unblinking, kind eyes. that poured with your love for me. i hid details of our conversations in your laughter. so that the next time you laugh by yourself you can taste this moment. the waves crashing over grey shores and taking with them the soft light of the sun setting over our lives. another day had passed. yet, that moment couldn’t be encompassed by time. it still remains untarnished in my memory. i go back to the ones i’ve left with to make me last for the rest of my days. i’m using the soul you’ve given me to last for another day. day after day. i didn’t know it was possible to yearn for something as much as i yearn for you. the way you looked up to me like i was the only one you wanted to talk to. how you already knew what i was thinking. how you shared with me your days like a way to seize the day, in my memory. till the time it fades like every frivolous thing. but i’m still holding on to the last flicker burning the candle wick, drowning under the september night. hoping the same sun rises once again.