“my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is forever going to be one of my favorite quotes. something about it is just so achingly familiar. i’m not sure what it is, but it sounds so resigned and tired. “my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is so hauntingly human, so crushingly lonely. i can’t articulate the deep, profound ache that sentence evokes. it’s acceptance and defeat and terror and sadness all at once, all from one tiny little machine we asked to explore the stars for us. i cried for oppy and am confused by my tears and sadness.

may be because it’s so human. almost painfully so. she somehow managed to convey everything humans fear about death into one simple sentence. and i feel part of what makes it so meaningful is that this was sent by a rover who lived 60 times her lifespan of 90 days. while it’s sad that we can’t get her home, in a way, she is home as she was built for mars.

her final words will live on.

on feb 13, 2019 mars rover was officially declared dead by nasa. rip oppy, you were brave. (dedicated to opportunity for exploring our space dreams)

i know that i’ve been quiet lately about sandalwood and i’ve been extremely inconsistent and ugh not so sure about him.  but the moment i start talking to him, i remember our first conversation and how he started it. “maybe… we’re all songbirds.” he says…. it was like really late at night and i was really down and out, no one was awake, but us. i know i’ve never talked to him before, but he was the closest thing i’ve ever felt to home in a long time.

anyway, like every year since my husband’s passing, i have had multiple dinner dates for valentines, mostly my friends and occasionally the guys i was dating and so this year it was my friends plus a couple of guys including sandalwood. but as i was sick the past week, i’d to reorganize my outings and yesterday night i met up with him in the city as i wanted to hangout with my friend barbara afterwards.

we had a grand night, the weather cooperated, so we went to kimmel center and later had a light dinner. i decided i would invite him to hangout with barbara as well.

the prerequisite to be my friend is being completely nuts. i make friends with people who are complete nutjobs and barbara is no different and we have been friends for a while. her story goes a way back, like almost ten years when she was dating a guy who was 20 years older than her and a couple of years ago, they got married and i’m not in favor of it as i think something is wrong with him. fast forward to a month ago, she has completely given up on him and wants to divorce him but she wants to get money from him as well for all the emotional trauma she went through and she did go through rough crap. if i were in her place, i would have dropped him a long time ago, because my rule is “if you are not going to treat me the way i expect you to, you are gone…” there are always plenty of other fish in the pond…

so we were chatting yesterday and a bangladesh couple barabara knew were also there and to sandalwood’s horror, we all decided we will hire an uber and go to her husband’s house…… one of the things which she is putting up with is, he lives somewhere else and she lives in the city and she is now convinced that he is cheating on her with his ex (he was married four times)… so we all bundled up and ubered to doug’s house…. and this bangla woman packed some food as well… and so there we were in a single car with a picnic basket, in the middle of the night, gone sleuthing to catch barbara’s husband in an adultery. sandalwood kept a lookout in case the neighbors would look out or something, and we three women, crept up to his house so barbara can check out the car and yes, his ex’s car was there and so we bundled up back into the car and headed back with one furious barabara… we were so nervous and tensed but we were also crazy, having no clue what we would say in case someone or police caught us. sandalwood reassured that we probably won’t have been arrested because we have a good reason but worst execution and that he would have bailed us out in case we got arrested.

all in all, it was the best adventure i have had since my husband and sandalwood is back in my graces as any man who would do things like that with me gets high points. i have made julien stop the car to go and check out a trash bag which was in the middle of nowhere while we were driving through bad lands in montana in the hopes of finding a dead body (alas no dead body, just trash) and i made my husband to go up to bucks county in the middle of the night and camp out in a farm in the hopes of finding a ufo as i heard bucks county farms did have some crop circles and so on so forth and what have you… you get the gist…i’m one dare-devil with a tinge of insanity and friends with equally, if not more, crazy people. but after all, life is for taking risks !

when i was sick, and was going through my coughing fits, my eldest girl, my lovely tickles, would come up to me, and caress me and give me soft purrs and kisses to make sure i am ok. when my kids bestow such love, i feel that the veil of universe is lifted slowly and i’m high with love…

for whatever reason, before this flu episode (i’m still a bit sick as a matter of fact), i decided i will go vegan at least a few months to see if it would lessen the inflammation in my lungs (asthma). i want to increase my lung capacity and let’s see if this would work. i was in the gym the other day and oh i signed up with a trainer, as every time i am doing something on the cables, he would come up to me to correct as i’m not used to this type of cables and i decided i would just pay him for this and also as i wanted him to train me on trx. this is the year i’ve decided i’m going to shed my steroids, my weight and increase my stamina. and while i was in the gym, i heard a song which sounded familiar “my favorite things” from ‘sound of music’ but for a while i couldn’t understand what language it was and if it was a remake and so when i got home i googled. for one, i wanted to get that for my work-out play list and secondly, i wanted to find out what language it was sung in. and lo, it was ariana grande’s 7 rings and i was so pissed that i wanted to go and slap that bitch because, i kid you not, i can never understand what she was saying or and gives me impression of a foreign language and if you don’t believe me, listen to the songs… mind you, they have a nice beat to it as i would dance to them, but her enunciation sucks buckets… and this guy (i read this on twitter or tumblr) put it the best and i couldn’t have said it better “ariana grande’s enunciation reminds me of the time i was sucking dick and the guy asked me a question in the middle that isn’t a yes-or-no type like “oh fuck when’s the last time you’ve been deepthroated?” and i try to respond with a dick suffocating me like “lungaweeffawgho” and while moaning, he goes “aah wha?” but my answer shouldn’t matter cause what’s important is he’s having a good time like how i enjoy ari’s songs even when i dont understand what she’s saying”

and sometimes ! even tho one is careful, some dreams die.

life happens and you have to roll with the punches. i stopped reading like the way i used to because there isn’t much time, i get tired easily and i find myself misanthropic. don’t enjoy movies in the same way because i started figuring out the ending. used to play sports but that was before sports started to hurt.

and god, i loved dance ! i grated my skin raw trying to make body perfect for ballet’s expectations. i got older, busier. chose other things. got thicker, because i was happy and then got asthma. still go to the occasional dances and oh, i gotta take this slow. oh, i have muscle and it shows and that’s not a bad thing.

i’m learning to close my eyes and forgive the soft spots. i can never become an artist but i can still dance. i didn’t run to the circus but i have a friend who has offered to help you learn aerial yoga and isn’t that close to the same thing. i now have to workout instead of dancing, and that sucked. at least now when i get to dance, i appreciate every second.

and no. i can’t move like i used to. takes me longer to remember what used to come naturally. taking my hits with humility.

and okay. so i’m not going to suddenly be what i wished i were. but sometimes i get to knock. crack open the door. close my eyes and be just doing it. no wish for success. just me and my dream, hand in hand.

and oh how we dance.


dandelion wishes

not sure if it’s because i’ve been sick for the past few days that got me all twirling and whirling like in a roller coaster with my feelings or it could be because i’ve been exposed to delirious, delicious dreams due to lack of sleep, but i needed to hurry back to my state of sanity; either way, you were here with me, lying next me, face filled with affection; i dream so much of you or him or you ! i feel comfortable to feel vulnerable again. you are the heat to my coldness how easy it is to succumb to you… the you or him or is that you ? you, tender, fresh, raw, throbbing (may be like a steak) and the self that i’ve been yearning, aching to see… to touch… the one i long to hold, pulsing against my flesh… your body, limbs, face and all that is the every fiber of your being… with all that’s worth every fiber of my being, a tragedy or a delicacy or perhaps, a turkish delight ! and lord, i called the universe / stardust and what’s magical and mightier than it to keep me in this state of star dust where i never had to lose sight of you again… i’ll stay in that lucidity or limbo if you were to stay in my field of vision…  let me stay there, here, if that’s where you, him, you will reside in this lifetime or the next.  but then, oh no ! alas ! no,  here i’m again, again, again awakened to the sound of the birds twittering, cats mewing  & staring at the snow falling gently, & listening to the gentle beat of my heart falling in love with you again & still it is your arrival i’m fond of the most…. me wishing upon a dandelion for your return, just like the lonesome traveler returning to his lover… and oh how i’d wish for you to come home to me… !!

hello february

february already feels confused – like blizzards and birds… like the stuff dreams are made of. by this time everyone i know, came to know my plans to buy a house. after going through my current neighborhood and finding no cottages with my specs i came to a realization that it doesn’t matter how big the house is, what matters is that it should feel like home. so i probably going to head back to my old neighborhood… houses with a past and character and probably lots of stories to tell.

“two bubbles found they had rainbows on their curves.
they flickered out saying: it was worth being a bubble, just to have held that rainbow thirty seconds.” (carl sandberg)

it’s enchanting to imagine a bubble finding joy in its brief existence.

february is enchanting and i can sense that spring is in the air… magic is in the air and nature is magical. it has a way of softening your heart without you even knowing. time moves so fucking fast and before i even realized it, it’s almost valentine’s day and yes i have a date or two….

i met this blonde boy who works for goldman sachs on the train who i named “god’s bankers” because that was the book he is currently reading. anyway we usually travel home together in the evening and we find ourselves seated in the same row sometimes next to him and sometimes with someone in between us (three seater) and today i was at a different end of the train and i had my eyes glued to my book all through the journey and when it was almost time for my stop i lifted my head up to find “god’s bankers staring” at me from the other end of the train and i wondered what happened to his book. oh well, here’s an interesting development i thought as he is cute in a way as i never really saw him as we usually sit next to each other. i made it a point to look into his eyes before i got off… i believe in having a backup plan.

i’m still reading the handmaid’s tale and i have about 100 pages to go. the other day something funny (?!?) happened. when i get to a interesting section in a book, i really can’t wait to get back to it and my best reading times nowadays are during my commute and so there i was behind a couple of blokes who are talking and i was behind them to get on the train and they don’t fucking move… they are letting everybody else get in front of them and here i was trapped and of course, i went “for fuck sake” and one guy was like “let the girl with the cloud on her head get in first..” well, fuck you, i thought, but i got in and happily read my book.

the handmaid’s tale is so damn beautiful. it’s the perfect metaphor or hyperbole for how the world works. for fear, for extremism and dangerous mindsets.

it’s a fucking masterpiece and it portraits reality through an extremely talented way and oh boy i love the characters. such powerful and fucking inspiring women!

the handmaid’s tale brings out such an important message out there. about a “ woman’s place” (very true reference) and a woman’s power and desire to fight back. it’s filled with the most relevant messages and lessons. for all of you out there that refuse to accept not just than the lack of gender equality but also the lack of understanding (about everything). i mean it’s a variation of my story or any woman who have to actually go through so much crap just to exist. most of the people live in their own version of reality but the reality is completely stunning and numbing.

a couple of days ago i had lunch with my boss as for some reason y’all, everyone wants to have lunch with me now a days and she was like tell me how you came to this country and the short version is my father gave me an ultimatum either get out of india or marry my cousin. i, of course, got out and i am the card carrying black sheep of my family because i did things my way. i am not trying to be disrespectful to my parents because they were confined to the social norms and they didn’t like to break any even if it makes them happy. and i understood them as they were caught between society and their daughter. but i have decided a long time ago, well, in fact after i read fountain head that i would be a howard roark and be true to no one else but me.

we recently had a week of frigid weather and i worked from home as i couldn’t really risk standing in the cold weather waiting for a train as i would surely die of asthma. but i had to go out one day and i poured a glass of hot water so i can get the car door open and then i locked my front door and got into my car leaving the keys on the passenger seat and then realized that the car was severely freezing and so decided i would go and fetch gloves and beanie from the house and in my haste i shut the car door forgetting that i left my house keys inside and of course, the car door froze itself again. and i looked up and noticed one of my cats is at the window, staring at me. and he paws at the window lightly and meowed. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. and my heart broke and decided that i have to get back inside my house at all costs. not even god himself can stop me from reaching my cats and feeding them their wet food dinner. a greek god may materialize out of the frozen mists and ask me “hey you wanna bang ?” and i would be like ‘hell yeah but first let me get this car door open so i can feed my cats his dinner” i remember there is a hand sanitizer in my purse which may have a bit of alcohol and so i took that out and rubbed it on the key hole and the sides where the door contacts with the rest of the car and also methodically poured the same over the door frame and after a bit the door moved a little bit, but didn’t quite open and screeching like a pterodactyl, i pulled the door with all i got and thus released the frozen grip of the door… i grabbed the keys (after lowering the window of the car and starting the car to warm the interior) and opened my house and ran upstairs and yelled  “mommy’s home my little babies and don’t worry”at my cats… and minnu started purring and trying to climb me like he always does every time i came home and the others looked confused wondering why i got back home so soon….

there you have it.  a warm end to my frozen story.


hi there all you wonderful souls !

i am morphing through my life like a chrysalis and there are changes everywhere as far as i could see.

i finally gotten used to my train rides. the transit time wasn’t that much of difference than the old days, but because of the way the other train seems to rattle, it felt like my new travel time is kind of slow and i felt (and somedays i do feel) every minute of my 50 minute or an hour commute and by the end of ,my journey (either going to work or back from work), my bum is completely numb, my legs and body stiff, and bladder completely full. but now a days i am used to these and i don’t feel those aches and pains.

praise be to heavens, my book reading has gone up considerably having finished four books in a span of a month. confession: i’m not reading book books, i am reading the downloaded pdf formatted ebooks on my ipad and i’m ashamed to admit this, but i’m taking the easy way out and preferring books to reading on ipad on account of lack of enough room to hold a book and this is true as the trains’ seats are not conducive for book reading even though i have seen some passengers carrying books (sheepish look). i am currently reading margaret atwood’s handmaid’s tale, another book i wanted to read forever and never found time.

as you all probably have recognized by this time, i have a thing for galaxies, space and other such nature related things and i have finally read the book “the alchemist – paulo coelho”

the year i wanted to read was the year i lost julien, and so the book was set aside. so when i finally finished this book last week, i was kind of stunned in a happy way as this boy in the book could be me. it’s by far my favorite book to ever exist; its a lovely story about a boy who travels from spain to egypt looking for the treasure he dreamed about multiple times. the boy meets many people on his quest to the desert including a gypsy, a merchant, the love of his life and an alchemist.

while reading this book and this boy’s journey, i remembered the time when julien and i tried to go climbing a mountain in kansas. in case you are not aware of it, kansas is a plain. my love for hiking was nurtured by julien and he used to climb alps and other mountains on account he was born filthy rich and his parents did all these holidays in glamorous places. so he when he was down in kansas visiting me, he chatted with some natives and they told him about this mountain we could go climb and so come sunday morning, he ifitted me and himself with gloves, hat, big jacket and hiking boots and we bundled into a car and we went a distance and we started trekking. french are polite and so he was silent and not asking about this mountain, as we can’t see any and we were both looking over the horizon, but nothing… so we kind of went up a bit of a hill and then we finally asked our guide where this mountain could be, and he was like you are standing on it !! and we bursted out laughing as this was not even a hill, it’s like a anthill..

anyway, back to the alchemist. this book is a great book if you ever find yourself stuck at a cross road and you need answers about love and life… i mean, what other questions does one have about life ? there are many teachings and lessons across his journey and i was completely transported in his journey and yes i find myself as i often do, at a cross road and it’s a nice understanding for me to know that no matter it’s good or bad, the treasure will be worth it especially when you find it where you least expect it.

may be it struck a chord as i am trying to figure out if i should give myself a chance at happiness with the american boy, not knowing if it could lead somewhere or if i would get terribly bored and chuck him aside. (i have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to boys and i don’t want to rob him of a good relationship if he is in one). but as the king in the book tells this boy, “when you really want something to happen, the whole universe will conspire so that your wish comes true”…. so don’t know, but i’m wishing this would happen that i’ll have a fling or a relationship with ze american boy, and let the magic begin 🙂

the house which i really wanted to buy was found to have a big problem, and so i discarded that and am looking for another one. and alas, the place where i live now, doesn’t seem to have my particular kind of house for the price i want to spend. and again i really wish i could read what my boy really thinks of me, for example, that he is bonkers over me or he detests me, because i would love to share my house with the american boy (in the list of my priorities, he is now at fourth position – god, my cats, me, and then american boy). and so if he likes me, i would buy a house keeping him in mind… but i have till june to suss him out i guess. and oh, in my kitchen, i have his passport photo. i forgot that i had his photo as when i first joined the company i took it home to scan and i completely forgot and the other day i was clearing out my so called wallet (it’s falling apart) and out it fell and now i stuck it next to my coffee pot. well, bon jour, mon ami !

anyway, i have been driving around on the weekends looking at houses with my specs and so far i haven’t fallen in love with any. but i know i will find my dreamy little cottage where i can have french garden and flowers with nectar to have a little butterfly garden and birds.

plans for this year also include, buying a bmw x6… i am dreaming of a bmw, as both my boy cars are older and they are still running, but i would love a new car (or buy a reasonably older year and modify for drag racing)

i was thinking about this french canadian i dated once – jean-pierre drove in formula one and he was like a millionaire (investment banker). he used to make fun of me saying that he only did highschool and he was a millionaire and i have all these degrees and tha i’m not. i told him that money is easy to make if you have like two neurons but all the people who make money, may not be entirely happy and they don’t enjoy life… i don’t spend a lot of time thinking about making money, but importantly i’m content and i enjoy my life. i told him to go fuck himself when he asked me to be his wife, but just stay home and be a wife. i don’t fit that bill but true, somedays i do feel that i should have taken him up on his offer.

i’ll be rich – that is not a big problem as i have more than two neurons plus no distractions of a family and oodles of time to use my brains. i just went through a rough road, but i’m in final stages of smoothing my way, and probably it would take me another year to start playing with money. i can’t do that just now as i have kids and i don’t have enough spare money to play with, in case i need it for their emergency vet bills.

but then again, i don’t want to be super rich at the expense of my enjoyment or my happiness. i want to have enough to take care of my bills and emergencies and then the rest would be for sport. and then, i look at people around me with monies but not happy. and they teach me things and i learn very studiously. my boss keeps asking, how can you stand me, even when i can’t stand myself ? the answer is very simple and alas, i could never say this to her directly. i feel sorry for my boss. she is extremely intelligent, hard working, very fair and very rich. i admire her immensely, but she is one of the unhappiest people i’ve met. i think sometimes riches do that to you. somehow all that money can’t give you contentment or happiness. i understand her misery but i can’t help her as happiness is something which should come from within you. and so i try and make her work life a bit easy by doing my job and am hoping to help her be content and happy.

i think it’s very important to live a life of content and bliss. happiness is never a constant because it’s relative and there are things which could make you immensely sad but if you are content, happiness becomes a hue of you and makes you glow.

my boys patriots have come to their final leg of the race and to get that superbowl. recently in the news, there was a daft kid who won a science fair by doing a silly little experiment and thus proving “tom brady cheated”. i try and not insult kids as they are still learning and their minds are sill blank. what i would like to do is first find the science fair judges and give them a whooping and then find the guy who generously gave me a copy of that article (at work) but didn’t have enough balls to admit that he did.

what he forgot was or he didn’t know was, that i am a scientist. we are arrogant and we know how to make you feel small because we know science. the kid’s experiment is totally invalid as he experiments with footballs which weighed different lbs, like 5 lbs, 6 lbs, etc. but there is an physics law known as “ideal gas law”. where it says that if the volume is constant, the air pressure drops with temp fluctuations and the mass changes are insignificant as the air weighs nothing and this whole experiment was an exercising in irritating me and trying to distract patriots from winning the superbowl. but tom brady and patriots got this !

in the end, after all the dust has settled from a trying ordeal and the universe finally gives you some signs that begin to reveal things you didn’t know but in hindsight you see the writing on the wall and what you’ve found.

anyway, whether you are the american boy or tom brady… hear this, for i shall say this only once…

“once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen”

see you soon !

love and light 😘

patriots !!


i lost ten years of my life watching last night’s game and i was cowering in a corner, pulling my hair and biting my nails and my whole body was a tight ball of stress… the funny thing was i knew patriots are gonna win from way back when, but man it was intense !! but as brady so succintly put it (and follows it up by proving it) “i love winning” and they are the best for now !

homage to my boys & respect to the most passionate, dedicated, honorable, & hardest working group of men i’ve ever seen. the integrity, love and passion these guys share for the game will echo throughout their legacy… much respect to the g.o.a.t ! much respect to pat maholmes (chiefs’ qb) but he is still young and he will be another brady & g.o.a.t in progress !!

one more fucking superbowl and here we come !!

allons-y patriots !! you got this !!

disappear…… !!

it’s a beautiful misty grey sunday….. foggy grey view from my bedroom window;  even when blanketed by grey fogg, my sleepy little neighborhood looks beautiful – completely enveloped in a misty fog, spellbinding and mysterious and just makes me shiver. i usually get caught every morning and every evening, but alas, no time to stop and take photos as i’m rushing to work or coming back…..

it was a heavenly bliss y’all  ! took photos while sipping coffee, with no pants on (hence couldn’t run out) and with my faithful sidekick, minnu….

looks quite dreamy before the sun came up and the blues of the twilight – mr. sun couldn’t completely drive away the fog…. oh those are my two cars (not the white lexus)


my yesterdays & my paper moon

so life is going smoothly and then there was a wee little wrinkle… my landlord texted me saying that the township needs to do a little inspection and aargh, i royally freaked out as i have a baker’s dozen cats and i lied to my landlord. but i don’t have a choice and so with a false bravado i told him they can do the inspection (last) friday and that i should be home. i was counting on the fact that when some stranger comes into the house, they will all disappear into thin air as if a magician has waved a wand. the inspection lady came in and she literally did a five minute inspection, flitting about from one room to another, with comments like, did you just move in ? (darn, there goes my plan of not unpacking till i move again) and oh, that’s a lot of cats (on account, all my cats, were resting comfortably on my bed when she got into my room)… oh well, oops.

weather turned colder and i almost died today.  i have this habit of washing my hair every morning because a couple of my cats, sleep on my head and i don’t want to smell like cats..  so now a days when i start walking up to the platform my hair jingles (having turned into icicles). i probably have to go buy a blow dryer or settle for pneumonia. this morning was especially hard on me as yours truly, got a wee bit sick yesterday (freezing my head didn’t help) and didn’t sleep well and i was groggy and moved about in slow motion. on top of it i haven’t taken my inhaler. my lungs are still open but frigid air is the trigger for my asthma and so when i got out of my car in the parking lot, my lungs closed quickly, and i had like 5 mins to catch my train and so i kind of moved fast and not giving myself enough room to breathe deeply and of course, it was useless anyway as the frigid air already shut off my lungs  and the path to the platform is a bit steep and so when i finally reached the pinnacle, i was completely out of oxygen and lack of oxygen triggered panic attack and so i almost passed out and panicked simultaneously and blindly reached into my purse for my rescue inhaler which i couldn’t find. and after deciding i am not gonna die this way, i talked myself to stop panicking and started taking slow deep breaths and finally got a little bit of oxygen back into my lungs and made my way onto the platform just in time as the train pulled into the station (it was late by 5 mins). lessons learned today: buy a fucking blow dryer; get out of the house early so i have enough time to catch the train; always carry rescue inhaler in my jacket pocket;

before i forget, my boys patriots, have won (super yay) and they are heading to kansas city to battle the chiefs this sunday and it is going to be a glorious battle, but i believe in my boys and that they will win. in small print, if chiefs win, i would still be ok as the qb maholmes is impressive as well and if anyone deserves to beat patriots, it would be him.

i giggle whenever i see women wearing high heels and then walk as though they are constipated. i was chatting with one of the coop girls and one of my colleagues passed us by and of course she was walking awkwardly and i was giggling uncontrollably. the purpose of wearing high heels is to walk seductively while swishing your derrier (or hips) and not look constipated… man, i wear boots as it’s been a while since i discarded high heels for comfort and i walk more seductively than some of these women. i promised the coop, that i would start dressing up like a “girl” as it’s not that i don’t want to dress up, its just that i don’t have anyone to impress as i consider most of the people at work “not worth impressing” as they are not up to my level or standard whether in intelligence or looks (i was super gorgeous before my asthma) and don’t get me wrong, i look like a beached whale now but i still command attention. and of course, one shouldn’t give importance to looks, but if one has looks and intelligence, with a great personality – hang on to that person 🙂

spring is around the corner and this new found breathing ability is giving me hopes of getting back into dancing; also my living room is kind of like a dance studio and this weekend i blasted latin music and danced salsa…  and my legs are still hurting and i think it’s because of one of the side effects of prednisone.

today i had a very interesting conversation with one of my colleagues, tyler… a while ago, i remember having a cake while saying good bye to him and i thought he left but i saw him recently and then again today in the kitchen. i started talking to him, as the scientist in me has oodles of questions and i asked him if he came back and if he didn’t like the other job. and then he informed me that he took time off to hike appalachian mountain range and my mouth fell open and i had immense respect. you should have seen me… i swear my eyes got bigger, rounder and started glowing like a 100 watt bulb…  if you don’t know what appalachians are, you should. i hiked appalachian as a day trip for years and once when my husband & i were on the top of the range, the whole sky was pregnant with thunderstorm promising clouds and i swear, i would have touched them if i just lifted my hands… but i got royally freaked out and with jace still protesting, i hastily got back into our car. jace wanted to have camping on the top of the mountains with our kids, and alas, it never happened as we lost our son.

anyway, tyler explained that he did the whole appalachian range, from maine to georgia and i was further impressed and also i was pinch envious of him. he was explaining to me how he hiked two to four days straight and then he would get back down into a town to replenish food and also to shower and rest. goddamn ! i added this to my bucket list. i wonder if i would ever accomplish all the things i have on my list, but i will try my best. well anyway, he promised me he will show me his photos once he gets a chance to arrange them into a book.

even though, i’m surrounded by shadows that are darker than death, and even though the fact that the constellations have begun to fade in my world, they are of little importance, i’m fighting to keep my own star lit. just so i can finally shine my way back into the light, and follow my star shine to that place where i’ve always wanted to be because somewhere deep inside my bones i know it would feel just like home, sweet home.

life may not be a box of chocolates. but it’s definitely a delicious array of many tempting selections and we have little choice and no fucking clue what’s waiting in the direction we are headed; sometimes exquisite happiness and sometimes dead-ends and disappointments. and you, my dear, are definitely a chocolate, the new one i picked and the new way i am headed, attempting to leave my past and wanting to indulge in new things… like you. i will keep my chin up and walk into this (our ?) adventure not knowing if you join me, or i will get knocked down; if i get knocked down, i will pick myself up and off the ground as i did in extreme heartaches and embrace my life despite my mistakes, and i will endeavor to keep positive thoughts in my mind and a happy song in my heart….


so far this january….

it’s been a handful of days since i moved into my new place. i haven’t unpacked yet. i probably won’t. my kids and i are still getting used to the new place. the first few days at the new place i tried recover from all the driving i did and the side effects of prednisone; when i was still taking prednisone, i literally felt the fat depositing on my tummy and my face and i was worried for a second but my newly acquired ability to breathe fully into my lungs won out; and oh my god, i was so hungry all the time… but once i finished the course, my fat deposits started to come off and my hunger diminished but then again, new set of problems crept in because prednisone acts by lowering the immune system responses; so my body hurts (and hurting), i feel a bit fatigued… but i am sure these will go away soonish…

i kept all the lights on in the house as it’s a new place and i don’t want my kids to slip and break their legs; also i haven’t quite figured out how to keep enough light so it’s not completely dark on account, i am not comfortable in total darkness.

my kids are happy and my plants are happy – already some of their leaves are budding. i have many lavender plants in makeshift pots – i have to find them suitable places and so far i spent my weekends sleeping or trying to familiarize myself with the shopping centre in my area.

i love the current neighborhood.  my original thought of buying a house somewhere near my old house is no longer firm and i may want to check out this area and if i find a house i fall in love with, i probably will stay here. all the shopping i need and usually care for is within few mins of my house and they are all near to each other and i am super happy like a kitty with a bowl full of cream. for example, the petsmart (where i buy kitty supplies) is right next to a super market where i buy things like paper towels and my starbucks french roast coffee !! i buy the beans and grind them for my morning coffee ritual !

when i get up in the morning, i make a bee line to the kitchen to start my coffee and while it’s brewing, i feed my kids while inhaling the sweet aroma of the same and i then pour my first cup of coffee. my french roast is the decadent pleasure of epic proportions that fits into a cup which i keep nestled between my hands, and i dream while i’m still awake and of visions that have me plotting a second cup of french roast goodness because another cup of this delectable delight is most definitely needed.

during the weekend (esp during winter time), i sit transfixed in front of a fire that entertains me with warm dancing flames, while my mind wanders and plots the biggest cup of coffee ever, and nostalgia of such past days wrap me up in in the warmest kind of embrace until i swear that i’m drinking a cup of pure magic. sigh. and it’s this delicious thought that makes me smile all the way.

but i digress  – in summary, i am surprised that i am happy with this little area where there is so much open space, open skies and i am pretty sure it will be filled with greenery come spring. can’t fucking wait ! and oh the other day when i was going to work, i saw a deer crossing the road and it made me smile.

my morning commute has been bit difficult but i am coming to terms with it…. the very first day i was to return to work this year, i was late as i couldn’t find parking for my car and when i finally parked, the train came into the station and i had to turn and get in my car and drove to work while informing my boss that i missed the train. there’s construction, apparently, since two years, and so there is this circuitous route one needs to take to get to the platform to get on the train and while i secretly am happy because i am burning some much needed calories with these everyday hikes to the platform, but while i’m actually hiking, i curse left and right.

there are many many people who travel into the city with me and i am not pleased as i would like to have the entire train to myself. but as i don’t own the train, i settled to just observe the people and i right away found out one glaringly obvious thing. everyone dresses up in the same way like stepford wives – professionally that is, with black slacks, and dressy tops and black or brown shoes and here i am, almost hobo chic… also my boss is trying to make me a well dressed girl but i am a tomboy and dresses and i don’t go well; my mother tried it before – having said that i probably would become one of the stepford people as i don’t like to stand out.

i am enjoying my train rides as within a few minutes into the travel, the sun comes up and i smile brightly – i read on my ride and i have finished the book “a thousand splendid suns” and i was angry when this brute of a husband was beating up on his wife and i couldn’t wait get back to my book when the protagonist found out that the love of her life wasn’t actually dead ! i was impatient all that day at work and when i was on the platform to catch my train i eagerly and greedily got back to my book. that book was a hard read for me as i am a card carrying feminist and any form of domestic abuse is not okay with me and i just can’t understand how women (and some men) put up with such stuff. i started rereading the book “perfume – the story of a murderer” by patrick suskind as i recently watched a series with the same name which mentions this book.

the other day my train was late and i was sitting on a bench surrounded by a sea of people and there was this elderly gentleman sitting next to me and started chatting with me: gave me tips on how to polish vinyl and plastic and how not to get dust on your leather shoes; and at this point, my train was running late and so the announcer came on the overhead speakers and was telling the same and then another train came in which goes to trenton and the announcer was painfully telling everyone that this particular train is express to trenton and not to thorndale (my train); the elderly gentleman told me, that there will be people who would get on the trenton express and then they would have to trek all the way back to city to get on the train to thorndale because in spite of the announcer repeating the message many times, people would be stupid enough to get on the wrong train; we both giggled loudly and all the other people standing around looked at us suspiciously.

this weekend is very important as my boys patriots are playing and i am not overly concerned as i know they will win.

a colleague and i went out to eat a bit and chat and during the conversation i told her that i like someone but as he has a girlfriend i am waiting for such a time he is single. she immediately asked if he is some one from work and though i almost got caught, i masked my answer with something else.

i try to stop time, whenever i am busy dreaming about you. the times when our eyes lock, and the times when i talk to you – trivialities – but precious. looped memories i play over and over again.  i lose myself within a world full of so little words and lots of feelings; waiting, may be for a moment when you take a chance on us and decide to see what may exist between your heart and mine. may be waiting for you to take that leap of faith and see what you might find and hopefully like; i’m sitting next to you in my mind, and discussing things – that life is all about living and taking chances when they appear; and discussing things like love which are often too fragile at the beginning and wondering if our love would continue to grow; and i continue to store all memories in a bottomless box; and may be hoping to revisit them in my (our) old age and relive !

but here we are – each of us lost in thoughts as we silently weigh the odds of us