ask me how to break up with a boy without dating…. i fell into him in a complicated way, i was desperately trying not to love or hate, pressing my hot tears back into the eye lids… i keep dancing around this boy who probably cares for me as a person. i kept pushing him away while wanting him to declare his undying love for me. i keep spending time tapping my fingers against my knees, and shaping words telling him things i want him to know and cataloging them in my mind before racing home to scribble them into the computer
i wait patiently for the night to turn into day, when i get to see him and spend long nights penning anecdotes and feelings and emotions onto paper. i bitterly fight with myself over my feelings for this boy, sometimes even silently and i am building frustrations in my mind but never expressing them, just waiting for all my emotions to boil over and consume me and leave me dead. i said somethings i shouldn’t have, spending too much time gazing at blank spots, hoping somehow my wishes would come true and oh, all the weekends i sit alone, restless but unwilling to do anything but hold fast to the future.
spring came without warning, and i grew silent and let it shroud me like a ghost. i kept hoping that i get wrapped up in this boy, and that i would be kept up at night sby romantic conversations; conversations promising something that would leave me loved and change me.
i learned how to say goodbye to loved ones. i learned to stop feeling sorry for myself and am allowing life to capture me again, letting seasons to swallow me whole and spit me out. keep collecting memories and stacking them in old suitcases, remembering how to be reckless and remembering to keep my head down, and hearts full. i made some plans, allowing myself to be honest to myself and challenging myself to learn how to be brave. learning to grow closer to people who are important to me, i let my hair get short and remembering that i have a heart.
i prepared for a new start, settling in to the ruins, accepting the inevitability and consequences, conquering public transportation, and long line of city blocks, i had to accept some things, i was afraid to admit to myself, still afraid to say it out loud. i am writing and writing and writing, scribbling love letters on post-it-notes before folding them and refolding them into my pant pockets, un-mailing sentiments and confessions to the boy.
I keep hearing stories… some broke me, some built me. i keep gathering up people’s pieces and collecting their hopes and how waves of courage tug them on their edges.
i am in winter now and i’m thinking of curling up lazily in front of the fireplace and remember that home isn’t always about place, but also a family, even if it is made of cats and kittens. i see my friends break and i am unable to fix them. i am spending my nights wishing someone was here with me. i sit in closets. i keep my hands folded in my lap and i think of new plans for my future. i am preparing myself for what is next. i am learning tho i am broken, i am beautiful and understanding what taking a risk feels like and how to be brave. someone at work today said i am conquering in a different context, but i still have so much to conquer. i am giving the boy up to the universe as my friend said and am spending this night missing him, my eyes full of tears and my heart full of love, and i remain.