yesterday morning was a bit chilly and misty and rainy and all i wanted to do was eat copious amounts of cupcakes and have a little food coma. my coworker tommy, who ims me all the time was like “turn up the heat outside” and i read that little note and i walked out as i wanted to get some coffee from the cafetaria, but his particular note stuck with me and all of a sudden i remembered my cats’ reaction to weathers of this nature and i was merrily cackling in front of the elevators. i do such things sometimes. while waiting for the elevators, people can find me doing ballet moves or not moving through the revolving door because i am too busy texting friends and as such holding up the people behind me. anyway, back to my babies. when the weather is too cold or too hot i don’t let them out because as their mama i care for them and i want them not to get sick as after all i may not have carried them in my womb, but i raised them and they are my babies. they sit on the window sill, meowing away till their lungs hurt, asking me to open the window so they can go outside and i’m like no you may not because it’s cold (or hot) outside but they don’t understand this and finally as a mother i give in so they can go out; but they immediately get back in demanding me to do something about the weather ! it always makes me smile when they do that and lately i’m finding dead “gifts” in oddest places and so i am thinking this weekend, i will go through my house and search for anymore such “gifts”. also thinking of starting the fire place so we can lounge in front of the fire and listen to the melodious jazzy blues… before you ask, dear blog, yes i would love my blue eyed boy lying next to me. confession: i really don’t think i’ve a chance with him for several reasons; one of them being, i don’t think he would want my cats and i need someone to love my kids and raise them as his own. and my cats are my priority and my family and if i have to choose……. i’m okay being single and miserable but with cats.

the sun finally came out yesterday towards the afternoon. along with the sun dreams of rose colored skies, pastel clouds, high winds which would fly me as high as i want to go…. and dream i did thinking of the blues of my boy’s eyes and in the depths of his blues, i feel small…. i kept talking to him today (most days) about the work, but silently i keep asking him “i see galaxies in your eyes and how come you can’t even find a star in mine”…. i swallow my words; my tears; and i am thinking i may have to start planning my exit strategy.

just crawled into bed after a long night at gym and a late dinner with a friend, curled up under a pile of blankets and cats, eyes swollen with sleep and held back tears.  there’s three inches between my body and the edge of the bed and four cats are sleeping in that three inch space and couple more decided they will use me as their bed…

i don’t always want to be this way, eyes swollen and goodbyes barely whispered over the phones, but i’ve got wishes in these hands of mine and i think the blog is worth handing them off to. i feel conflicted and a bit guilty but my heart is always beating loudly in these fingertips of mine. i hope that you can feel it through these words. i hope that, through these disguised words, you can see right through them and after all they are translucent ghosts made of truth. i’m not afraid of this distance in miles and i’m not afraid of missing him so badly that i feel that my bones may shake themselves loose. i’m afraid tho, that may be sometimes, my anxieties may spill into words and that all the conversations i keep having with him in my mind are not enough to satiate me and that i may cross into reality unknowingly and spill my words to him and ugh, i’m really, really, really glad that i have him in my life and my words are dedicated to the boy who holds my heart without even knowing that he has it and sometimes that is the absolute best thing to be able to give someone else.

it definitely started feeling like fall outside and things are gonna be ok.

also i’m a bad actor and waiting for someone else to ask the questions and i skillfully avoid them with passion and purpose. this is strange for me to admit to the internet. sorry !

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