staying warm


i woke up earlier than usual to the intense winds which were blowing violently and creating a big swishy noises in the trees and my kids got scared and jumped into my bed and some snuggled up closer. i waited to see if anything happens as right in the front of our house there’s this big tree and i cringe a little during these types of winds and weathers… and we laid upon the bed, listening to the winds and i turned the tv on and raised the volume to drown out the noise of the blowing winds and after a few minutes, slowly made my way into the kitchen to start my day. i took my coffee into my garden and surveyed the damage… a couple of branches came loose from my tree and i dragged them to a side and on my way to train station a couple of detours were needed as some trees felled across the road. all day today it rained on and off and sun ultimately dared to come out late evening to say goodnight.

at work, i’m the resident scientist to talk to as i can clarify things scientifically. for reasons i didn’t pursue a career in that area, tho i am a brilliant scientist. so my colleagues brian and tommy usually talk to me about science stuff and i am more than happy to help them. tommy, i feel badly for him because he was involved in an accident and he is wheel chair bound and he is on the road to recovery and he can walk a bit and he does try. but he is frustrated and i would be too if i were in his place. i understand his frustration as i am in his position metaphorically speaking. my life didn’t exactly go as i planned and umm, most of them were faded but a couple of scars have dug deep and grown roots and made me paralyzed and they are still bleeding and i keep changing the bandages. confession: i self-harmed when julien died to feel something, anything and no i haven’t resumed self-harming when jace died but sometimes i am tempted, but i don’t do it anymore.

i froze my tits off in the office as it was freezing and they haven’t turned the heat on and i am sure the moment they decide to turn the heat on it would be warm out. speaking of tits, we had some kind of drill today where we all stood against the wall away from the windows and i asked “by standing here from what kind of calamity are we expecting to be safe ?” and everyone gave answers like tornadoes, hurricanes and i was thinking yeah right ! when i was in kansas, we were chased by tornadoes and i watched them getting born right in front of our apartment and i know what tornadoes would do to you… but whateves… i was making conversation about football as eagles won yesterday. and oh, let me pause here….americans love some very odd stuff… one is the dancing at the end zone after they fling the ball on the ground aka a touch down (whatever that means)… that is the ridiculous dancing one can see… in real football aka soccer, i have seen players like neymar dance but that’s like sexy and impressive… but i digress… so we were chatting and this morning when i was getting dressed i was listening to the bleating by these morning show people about how janet jackson is banned because of her boob episode in 2004 (?) halftime show with justin timberlake and to the gathered blokes of my office, i passionately talked about what’s the big deal about a wardrobe malfunction and a boob popping out… honestly, americans are so conservative and they get offended for silly things and not so much for matters of importance. i can do some ranting about this at length. and another colleague mitch taught me how american football is divided into conferences and divisions and what not… i’m still rooting for patriots !

when i was in the train this morning, a guy came and sat in front of me and he reeked of either deodorant or some cheap cologne or what not, i was nauseous and wanted to throw up all of the 40 mins train ride. and i was staring at the back of his head angrily observing the fat folds on the head and after a bit, he started giggling and i wondered if he lost it but then i saw that he was giggling into his phone which for some reason made me smile and i lost my anger and kept looking at his reflection in the window for the rest of the journey, still gagging on his sickly smell and wanting to vomit.

i went into the kitchen to fetch some water and the kitchen smelled of chicken (somebody heated up the chicken and oh, I’m a vegetarian) and i almost vomited and ugh… my nose didn’t get a break on the way back either as the train car i entered reeked of fish and i almost fainted but the doors closed and locked me in and i think the culprit was a woman who is carrying these fish  (i am thinking) but god in all the heavens above, why do these fish smell so pungently and why do such situations happen to me ?

in the trolley (after the train ride), a tiny asian woman who barely spoke english started chatting with me and said “america is so scary when you are trying to learn all by yourself” and made me read the advertisement (go red for women’s heart health) on the ceiling of the trolley so she could improve her pronunciation. i read the word preventable aloud so she could practice how to pronounce the words herself. we just kept repeating preventable over and over and over again, till i have to get off and she grabbed my hand and made me promise that i will stay warm and yes, happy.

things always get weird but i guess they’ve always been. it will be hard couple of months as i have to go through these fall and winter months… i get lonelier and melancholic during this time. but may be not this time ? i say that with a question because i don’t really know if that would be true. i’m not trying to learn alone, but sometimes, most times it feels that way. i don’t sleep in my bed very often anymore because i can’t shake the reminder of a familiar shape occupying the other side. everywhere i turn things are unfinished….. messy room, unfinished relationships. am i caught in a place where i feel content and miserable simultaneously and all at once ? perhaps this is what you call a purgatory… i can’t remember the last time i wrote a poem or created something which didn’t bleed from it’s edges. in any event, here i am, humming along merrily to the same old songs..

things will shake out soon ! and i’ll be warm and happy !

goodnight, people of the internet !



p.s. my potatoes…. send your submissions to and deadline is dec. 31

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