my brain was humming this song before i was even up this morning and of course, i couldn’t wait to hear it and as soon as i got a bit of time at work, i played glen campbell’s version and i was so moved and i had tears streaming thru my eyes and i had goosebumps… the music drenched me as tho the notes were raindrops and it was so hard to not move my body (as i’m a dancer) to the rhythm of this song and dance around in the office…
i had times when there’s that feeling of loneliness. the tangible loneliness and in a big city. but the city doesn’t know your name. doesn’t know you. sitting at work, walking down the street, accidentally having conversations with strangers, wanting to cry at the old men begging for money, homeless people sheltering in the trolley stops, wanting to hug the little children who look so malnourished & ignored. but more than that, there is this want. wanting, so badly, to hold someone and let them have enough faith in you that they would just sink in you without even thinking about coming up for air.
as i am listening to this song again, i am thinking about longing… the physical longing of someone to talk to, to get a cup of coffee with and sit and talk about how beautiful love is and how beautiful it is to be living in this time….
hope is beautiful. someone to give me hope is wonderful. terry is beautiful and wonderful. but he is not mine. i keep reminding myself that.
and then suddenly to have it all turn over quietly. being with someone. to watch a play and hear music and watch dancers and to fall in love with a voice, with a song, to realize once more why you are here in the first place; to fall back in love with the faith that you once had, the beautiful and intangible feeling of belonging to someone, the companionship of everyone having had felt this way before me, and knowing that so many will feel the same way after i am long gone, the warmth that i felt. all due so much to terry, who brought me out of my slumber when i needed it more than anything.
i forget sometimes, how good it feels to feel.
walking home in crispy night imagining someone with me, in step with me, i couldn’t stop smiling. i thought of a poem that julien read me so many years ago, how i laughed at the first line, how he told me to stop because it was serious, and i laughed again, this time quietly to myself. and the moment when we went to the market, talking about haricot verts and beets, and kissed in the snack aisle… i thought of how the simplest moments can become the most beautiful. i smiled, and i smiled, at the couples walking past, the quiet girl in a thick jacket walking alone, she too smiling to herself. we looked up and we both just laughed.
there is a reason why i always hated these months the most. they took julien from me. but now, i have terry and i love him for giving me faith. faith in the city. jace once said because i am so loving, love always finds me and protects me. i love my cats and terry (?) and i love my friends, though very small in number, they were always very faithful and loving to me, even protective. i miss some of my friends. but i miss me when i was with julien the most.
ps: i saw terry today and i even spoke with him… needless to say i’m on cloud infinity… he is gorgeous (for an american) and i should be shot for feeling this way.
pps: i know my secret blog is no longer a secret. i mean, i have an iq of 180+ 🙂 i don’t mind if you read it… 🙂
Mason Williams – Classical Gas (1968)
from: “The Mason Williams Phonograph Record” Produced by Mike Post
““Classical Gas” is an instrumental musical piece composed and performed by Mason Williams with instrumental backing by members of The Wrecking Crew.”-Wikipedia