“fuck you (or off)” days in my life



greetings from my bed… i’m sitting here reading about seahorses and listening to fur elise and life is sad and beautiful.

this pic is me and i will tell you the story in a few lines…

i know, i know i need to address why my title is such…. because i am getting annoyed beyond my patience… seriously… somedays all i want to say is “fuck you” to everyone i meet… may be i should go “hi, fuck you”… i may be exaggerating a bit but sometimes it’s like that. i guess this is because my idiot friends have set me up with a couple of men (don’t ask) i am not interested, but i do things for my friends’ sake but these men are so off what i look for in men and my friends know this but they are all on a mission to get me going. so one guy is an indian, neuro surgeon, lives in nj and a hindu ; sorry but he is already out, on the basis that he is a hindu and i am not even gonna pretend i would date anyone who isn’t a christian. but i thought i would email him friend like and then give him the (bad) news

the other guy is somewhere closer to me and he owns some goddamn business or he is some sort of executive…  the condition was i will chat with them via email and if i think they have a brain to converse with me like an intellectual, i will then meet them (like a year or so later) i mean, seriously, i can’t date them if they are idiots.

so i emailed them and what do they reply, this is my phone number let’s text or talk… and here i typed a neat little letter saying, let’s chat a while via email… i completely ignored the replies and started asking questions but again they replied let’s talk or text… their replies are sitting in my inbox and i am now thinking, when is the right time to say “excuse me, but please fuck off”.

and this morning when i walked into the office i hurriedly took this photo so i can show you how i looked when i rode my train to the city. so here i was, on a bitter cold morning, wearing flyers pullover, with the hoodie up and over it i wore a light coat, mirror sunglasses on and earphones in my ears with music blaring and then this guy sits next to me who came with a newspaper and a coffee mug and distinctly smelling of alcohol and his elbow was like touching my ribs and i am in general very claustrophobic and i hate anyone touching me unnecessarily but i thought well he is fat and it’s a two seater and he was trying to read the paper and on and on but i wasn’t pleased. and then two minutes later, he taps on my arm and is like “can you believe this (some election shit) this guy won and i haven’t voted for him…” i politely nodded and continued playing on my phone (candy crush ! fuck yeah !!) and i was thinking which part of my ensemble made you think that i am open for conversation and he continued to dig into my ribs and i started to think about weinstein and the whole deal about sexual harassment and wondering if this guy is planning to do that and if so, i will have you know, i would happily kick him in his balls as i don’t stand for that shit… i come from warrior race.

anyway, he was all smiles when we were getting off (maybe he is already boozed up and it was hardly 8:30 am)

anyway, that was my other fuck you moment…

just for clarity, the rest aren’t f/u days but mere observations….

i don’t know what’s going on with “walking dead” and i am getting a distinct feeling that i may have missed the last episode for the previous season.

past weekend i sat and watched “falling water” on amazon and i had high hopes for that series but in the midway, they made it way too complicated or maybe they lost interest or whatever i almost lost interest but i have ocd and i finished watching it.

for ages, i have been trying to make the special k loaf which is really yummy and so on monday night i mixed up the ingredients for baking and i switched on the oven to preheat….

now, i am a very good cook. but i don’t cook anymore because, well because i am alone and i am now storing pots and pans in the oven and in my brilliance, i decided i would use the top filament as a shelf for plastic  lids and when i turned the oven on, i forgot about this bit and the whole plastic things melted and i kept smelling the burning plastic when i get in the kitchen but i thought it was somewhere from outside and i soon found out the melted plastic and i couldn’t at first figure out where this plastic came from but then i remembered. well long story short, i cleaned the goddamn oven and the next day made the loaf which is yummy even though i was greedy and put a lot more walnuts than the recipe called for… and oh i have to start cooking esp for dinners as once the weather kind of settles on what it wants to be, like cold and winter like or warm and summer like, i have to cut my cals for ballet’s sake and speaking of ballet, i tweaked my knee a bit and it’s painful when do pliés.

today i had to talk to my boy (yay!) and my missouri boy loves his meat sandwiches…i needed him to pick out flesh meat sandwiches as i am a veggie person and i don’t think they would appreciate my choices. it was a to do. there was a lot of unnecessary discussion imo and i was like this shouldn’t take this long and i wasn’t like planning to spend so much time in front of him for reasons but whatever…. i also gave him unwanted advice re. eating fish and that one can get ptomaine poisoning or botulism… but i haven’t elaborated on that as i was already in his presence more than necessary…. i am exhausted to be honest, to keep hiding and to keep running away from him and from myself and also i woke up at 2:30 this morning as jack, my friend, decided he would text me then.

i was reading about seahorses today as i mentioned earlier and seahorses are different and extraordinary… you now, the males get pregnant and them giving birth to babies is so fascinating… it actually  looks like an orgasmic ejaculate rather than giving birth… check out the link.


a fun seahorse fact for you coming from this side of my philly, and it is this: the genus for seahorses is hippocampus which is where the english word hippocampus come from. the hippocampus is the region in your brain that is responsible for forming long term, typically episodic, memories. we all have hippocampus in our brain, and therefore, if you will, this seahorse section of our brain is responsible for encoding, remembering, and recalling important, life changing, world shaping events.

maybe no one else will find this as cool as i do, but i felt the need to share. and so i should be happy as a seahorse, and looking forward to remembering the beautiful past and making wonderful new memories like seahorses do.

speaking of jack, he and i usually go to symphonies and i have asked him to go with me to a couple of symphonies this month… (haydns seasons and gershwin) and especially because yannick nezet seguin is conducting and i kept asking him if he wants to go so i can buy tickets (you know good ones) and he is like dodging and i have to buy them soon like in two or three days and i know once i click the “buy” button he would text me bleating that he wants to go.

oh well, so much happens during winter months but i don’t mind the cold because i get to dress up like a girl and look soft and beautiful and all i need is my goddamn boy to escort me into the kimmel center… a girl can dream you know !!!

it’s late and i should be in bed !

kisses kitten !

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