midnight ramble

11/13/2017

goddamn

some mornings i wake up at a decent time and cross a few things off my to do list and then i stand in the bathroom waiting for the shower to warm up and contemplate cutting off all my hair but then i remember i want to grow my hair and i go through my old photos when i had long hair to convince myself that long hair suits me well and that all the probably awkward phases of growing it out aren’t a good option for me to return to, but then i just get sad because i miss my old life and i miss the places i’ve tucked myself into and i start to wish that this phase is only temporary until you figured out exactly what you want to do with your life and then you could just spend your time pursuing your creative goals and grab the boy and keep kissing him and driving around all hours of the day in the sun and warmth because that’s what life is really about – sometimes just bullshitting and getting lost and being strange shades of happy.

it was raining in the city today. my hair got curlier on the walk home. i still feel like cutting it and i can hardly see out of my eyes and i don’t like hiding anymore. i’m becoming transient again lately. there’s a hum of nervousness, a knot in my stomach. i spent most of my day scribbling poems about my collarbones and dreams of solitude instead of seriously working on all these submissions. maybe i’m on the brink of weariness, maybe i’m right on the edge of allowing myself to be fully a part of something. tonight i’d like to write love letters to you and get wrapped up in conversations (imaginary) with you and stay awake a couple hours too late though i still have a full day tomorrow.

terry said “hi (insert my name)” to me – as usual i mumbled something in return…

hi terry !

i wrote down my feelings and haven’t posted them yet. i talked to my former boss this night and she is another one of those “why aren’t you dating and you should have a life, are you even going out like watching movies, etc” and after listening to my predicament (not exactly a predicament but you know what i mean, i’m not even sure what i am hoping for from terry or what exactly i’m expecting to happen idk) any way, she is like “carpe goddamn diem” seize the day because this may be good for you… may be as he is working in pharma (the italian) you may actually be able to start a bio company” (a few months before jace died she introduced me to some investors who wanted to check me out to see if i was any good) – not sure about him but archana and i are planning to talk about this next year maybe (if everything goes well, fingers crossed) and i’m planning to pursue a mba and/or some other related degree.

i was talking to tommy today and when i asked what he did past weekend, he went casually “wedding stuff”…  i’m wondering if he shouldn’t put more enthusiasm in that… he joked about dowry & i told him i’m more than willing to discuss that with him as soon as i find myself a stick… i kid you not, but i did tell my parents that i will break the legs of any guy wanting a dowry to wed me… as far as i’m concerned, they should be kissing my feet 🙂

i am getting my new pair of glasses tomorrow and i am slightly excited to see things clearly… somehow all of this feels hollow and i feel hollow and lost and i am still allowing myself to be sad for tonight and btw, I’m used to saying goodbyes…

 

ps: remember to email me your submissions before the end of this year : heavyheavyboots0317@gmail.com

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