lessons…

11/16/2017

it is such a nice day today and i loved my conversation with my boy… when i said my conversation, i made myself a total ass in front of him, but he was very patient and explained and i felt small… let me add that it is not entirely my fault as i only got half of the facts and sometimes presuming things is very dangerous… but thankfully, me checking with him is a good thing as he straightened things out for me.

but coming back to the conversation, i actually felt closer to him somehow, not just in my mind but for real, i mean i was comfortable with him for the first time and i was explaining something to him and he said something and i almost said “i think that’s because you are warm and sweet” and i had to stop myself and said something less inappropriate for a work situation. may be this is the reason why people say, don’t date a colleague… well, i don’t fucking care… if he wants me, he can have me. i think the problem (again) is me, as i am so goddamn afraid of my feelings for him, i put up barriers and i think i’m very self-destructive and i’m a walking ptsd and so everything i say to him comes out wrong and yes, it may rub people the wrong way and i feel like saying to him “i am sorry” like 1000 times / second but i think he already knows that i am not a mean person and god, i hope he realizes that. and also, today i was telling him “i am peculiar that way” and he laughed and said something to the effect that he already knew… side note: i’m not sure if my boy knows that i’m a christian in spite of the fact that i keep sabbath.. we had a christmas conversation today and he is like i celebrate christmas and i wanted to say, fine, but do you wanna go to church with me ? 😊 gosh, he makes me so happy !

i so need to grow up !

just so you know terry, i would like to carry you around in my shirt pocket !

my favorite officer tim at work cracks me up immensely. that is because he always plays hide and seek with me when he sees me waiting for him in front of his office. i may have mentioned this before, i consider him as my mentor, and on an intellectual level i am same as he, but he comes with more wisdom and with better people skills. on the other hand, i’m totally inept when dealing with people because most of the time they bore me. for that matter i think my boy as well is like that, you know more malleable and wiser… i’m wise but my problem (i think currently this is a problem) is that, i worked in a private sector before and i had all the power next to the ceo & president, in the sense that what i say happened… but now, it’s more democratic, much to my misery as i want things done my way… goddamn !

but as i always believe, everything is a learning experience and i need to grow and i am sitting on the board of a non-profit organization as a treasurer (i know right ? me still learning and who in the right mind puts me on a board ?) and all these experiences i’m learning are making me grow and more importantly, i am finding myself trusting my boy and getting comfortable enough which is also quite scary.

i went out with a bunch of work people as my boss dragged me to dinner and huh, it was a bit painful…people talked a lot about weird foods they ate (i got nauseous and gagged for the better part of my meal) and then i chose not to have dessert as it was already late and i won’t be going to gym tonight and tomorrow (sundown is at 4:44 pm) and everyone started explaining to me why they are eating the dessert (gelato) and i was thinking i don’t fucking care why or why not you are eating, plus i am overweight (just ask my ballet teacher) and i take my health quite seriously… just so you know, one can be skinny and be very unhealthy.

speaking of health, the other day i was jumping up and down in front of tim asking him who i go and complain re. all these smokers riding the elevators. scientific fact is third hand smoke (the clothes of a smoker) can be deadlier than if one actually smoke and i have asthma and three days in a row i was going up and down the elevators and every single goddamn time, smokers were riding the elevators and it was quite distressing… now, i take my health seriously. because of that i am a vegetarian, i go to gym, i don’t smoke or take alcohol (i don’t even take cough syrup with alcohol), i don’t eat anything out of cans, salt, sugar, etc., etc., but now i am in danger of getting lung cancer because some idiot who smokes and walks around with toxins on his shirt..

i just wanted to record my day as today was magic, i wish i have days like these and  i get to sit with my boy and just talk rubbish and laugh and be happy and i record this day, as the days i am really happy are few and far between… this week is long and tiresome and can’t wait for this week to be over and thankfully tomorrow is friday….

good night blog !

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