“fuck you (or off)” days in my life

IMG_2076

11/08/2017

greetings from my bed… i’m sitting here reading about seahorses and listening to fur elise and life is sad and beautiful.

this pic is me and i will tell you the story in a few lines…

i know, i know i need to address why my title is such…. because i am getting annoyed beyond my patience… seriously… somedays all i want to say is “fuck you” to everyone i meet… may be i should go “hi, fuck you”… i may be exaggerating a bit but sometimes it’s like that. i guess this is because my idiot friends have set me up with a couple of men (don’t ask) i am not interested, but i do things for my friends’ sake but these men are so off what i look for in men and my friends know this but they are all on a mission to get me going. so one guy is an indian, neuro surgeon, lives in nj and a hindu ; sorry but he is already out, on the basis that he is a hindu and i am not even gonna pretend i would date anyone who isn’t a christian. but i thought i would email him friend like and then give him the (bad) news

the other guy is somewhere closer to me and he owns some goddamn business or he is some sort of executive…  the condition was i will chat with them via email and if i think they have a brain to converse with me like an intellectual, i will then meet them (like a year or so later) i mean, seriously, i can’t date them if they are idiots.

so i emailed them and what do they reply, this is my phone number let’s text or talk… and here i typed a neat little letter saying, let’s chat a while via email… i completely ignored the replies and started asking questions but again they replied let’s talk or text… their replies are sitting in my inbox and i am now thinking, when is the right time to say “excuse me, but please fuck off”.

and this morning when i walked into the office i hurriedly took this photo so i can show you how i looked when i rode my train to the city. so here i was, on a bitter cold morning, wearing flyers pullover, with the hoodie up and over it i wore a light coat, mirror sunglasses on and earphones in my ears with music blaring and then this guy sits next to me who came with a newspaper and a coffee mug and distinctly smelling of alcohol and his elbow was like touching my ribs and i am in general very claustrophobic and i hate anyone touching me unnecessarily but i thought well he is fat and it’s a two seater and he was trying to read the paper and on and on but i wasn’t pleased. and then two minutes later, he taps on my arm and is like “can you believe this (some election shit) this guy won and i haven’t voted for him…” i politely nodded and continued playing on my phone (candy crush ! fuck yeah !!) and i was thinking which part of my ensemble made you think that i am open for conversation and he continued to dig into my ribs and i started to think about weinstein and the whole deal about sexual harassment and wondering if this guy is planning to do that and if so, i will have you know, i would happily kick him in his balls as i don’t stand for that shit… i come from warrior race.

anyway, he was all smiles when we were getting off (maybe he is already boozed up and it was hardly 8:30 am)

anyway, that was my other fuck you moment…

just for clarity, the rest aren’t f/u days but mere observations….

i don’t know what’s going on with “walking dead” and i am getting a distinct feeling that i may have missed the last episode for the previous season.

past weekend i sat and watched “falling water” on amazon and i had high hopes for that series but in the midway, they made it way too complicated or maybe they lost interest or whatever i almost lost interest but i have ocd and i finished watching it.

for ages, i have been trying to make the special k loaf which is really yummy and so on monday night i mixed up the ingredients for baking and i switched on the oven to preheat….

now, i am a very good cook. but i don’t cook anymore because, well because i am alone and i am now storing pots and pans in the oven and in my brilliance, i decided i would use the top filament as a shelf for plastic  lids and when i turned the oven on, i forgot about this bit and the whole plastic things melted and i kept smelling the burning plastic when i get in the kitchen but i thought it was somewhere from outside and i soon found out the melted plastic and i couldn’t at first figure out where this plastic came from but then i remembered. well long story short, i cleaned the goddamn oven and the next day made the loaf which is yummy even though i was greedy and put a lot more walnuts than the recipe called for… and oh i have to start cooking esp for dinners as once the weather kind of settles on what it wants to be, like cold and winter like or warm and summer like, i have to cut my cals for ballet’s sake and speaking of ballet, i tweaked my knee a bit and it’s painful when do pliés.

today i had to talk to my boy (yay!) and my missouri boy loves his meat sandwiches…i needed him to pick out flesh meat sandwiches as i am a veggie person and i don’t think they would appreciate my choices. it was a to do. there was a lot of unnecessary discussion imo and i was like this shouldn’t take this long and i wasn’t like planning to spend so much time in front of him for reasons but whatever…. i also gave him unwanted advice re. eating fish and that one can get ptomaine poisoning or botulism… but i haven’t elaborated on that as i was already in his presence more than necessary…. i am exhausted to be honest, to keep hiding and to keep running away from him and from myself and also i woke up at 2:30 this morning as jack, my friend, decided he would text me then.

i was reading about seahorses today as i mentioned earlier and seahorses are different and extraordinary… you now, the males get pregnant and them giving birth to babies is so fascinating… it actually  looks like an orgasmic ejaculate rather than giving birth… check out the link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mshcqrru-gk

a fun seahorse fact for you coming from this side of my philly, and it is this: the genus for seahorses is hippocampus which is where the english word hippocampus come from. the hippocampus is the region in your brain that is responsible for forming long term, typically episodic, memories. we all have hippocampus in our brain, and therefore, if you will, this seahorse section of our brain is responsible for encoding, remembering, and recalling important, life changing, world shaping events.

maybe no one else will find this as cool as i do, but i felt the need to share. and so i should be happy as a seahorse, and looking forward to remembering the beautiful past and making wonderful new memories like seahorses do.

speaking of jack, he and i usually go to symphonies and i have asked him to go with me to a couple of symphonies this month… (haydns seasons and gershwin) and especially because yannick nezet seguin is conducting and i kept asking him if he wants to go so i can buy tickets (you know good ones) and he is like dodging and i have to buy them soon like in two or three days and i know once i click the “buy” button he would text me bleating that he wants to go.

oh well, so much happens during winter months but i don’t mind the cold because i get to dress up like a girl and look soft and beautiful and all i need is my goddamn boy to escort me into the kimmel center… a girl can dream you know !!!

it’s late and i should be in bed !

kisses kitten !

autumn notes….

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so much sweet beauty ! no one told this little one that autumn has arrived and it’s time to fold her colors and pack them up in a suit case…

i almost tread on this one while walking to my car on the last day of october…. and since then i can’t find her as it gets dark out when i step off my trolley and walk to my car and now i don’t walk on the grass so i won’t step on her…

“i believe in you.” words that water flowers.
~ michael faudet

a love letter

11/07/2017

dear boy,

i would have asked you if you saw the moon and how did it look on your side of the town ? as per usual, mine got hidden with clouds and fog and still the brilliance of the moon tried to cheer me up…

but today, i loved you. i loved you in a complicated and compromising and confusing way that made me uncomfortable and unapologetic. i loved you and i’m stupid, so stupid, stupid in the way i’d never able to keep my hands off of you given the circumstances, stupid in the way i’d spill the secrets i never knew i had, stupid in the way i’d cry every time i got too close to opening up and letting go, stupid in the way i’m  reckless and bold. but i love you. i am sure of that, no matter how many silences, awkward half-conversations, moments when we spit words like daggers and nights i soak the sheets with hot salt water tears.

i’m careless and consumed, you know.

you need not worry about things unnecessarily, you know, as i haven’t yet decided if i wanted to fuck you. as much as i am consumed by the thoughts of you touching me, i haven’t masturbated to the thoughts of you or touched myself screaming your name… so you see, you can relax and can be yourself.

maybe it’s a feeling. or a four-letter word. this love of mine. i am not sure.

you see, i keep on making up things in the dark so the monsters under my bed won’t devour me. i try to fill the void with the overused memories of you and like everything else, you will fade as well leaving only smeared red lipstick which turns black. i am not planning to dress up as yours.

i just talk to you in my writings. maybe because you’re one of the ghosts i am growing comfortable with. i don’t mind you haunting me if it’s the only way that i can remember that you existed. sometimes, i think i only imagined you in my mind. but then i see you. i’m too old to have imaginary friends but then again i only exist in my imagination.  somewhere, somehow my younger self refused to live in this reality which is unbearable and hellish and i retreated into another world. but you, you’re also some kind of hell.

i trace your shadow in places i haven’t been. i picture you sitting across me at a dinner table; lying next to me and having conversations… i guess you can never unlearn what you never knew. you are a bittersweet mystery that will always cling to my mind and your name will dance on my tongue. my words will always build themselves in a memorial of my love for you.

but if i were being honest here, broken is a word that describes me often. i just like writing you into hundreds of pages because, you and i, we’re more beautiful on paper. there’s magic in being a poison to each other. the happy ending is the space between us. i don’t think i’d get over you.

i just want you to know that i think every single time you read my words and feel you can connect to them in a sort of complicated way, every time you feel a tiny bit inspired by this to shake your own dust and be brave in facing the things you keep tucked in your pockets, each time you have something to say and are unsure of how to say it but will one day. in many ways i am just messy and confused as what i want and who i am but i promise you that sometimes i wake up, days like today, and it scares the hell out of me, makes me want to put all the covers over my head, but it also pushes me and drives me. i’m not one to admit when something is changing me and illuminating the path ahead with a spark and a twist of a fate i never even expected, but this project, this small attempt at filling loneliness up with words and chances to let go and hold on at all once, it is waking me up and letting me know that i can do this, i can do all of this, but i am sure, positive, that i couldn’t do this without you.

so with everything i’ve got and all the things i am still unsure how to give, thank you.

signed solemnly,

me

classical gas

11/06/2017

my brain was humming this song before i was even up this morning and of course, i couldn’t wait to hear it and as soon as i got a bit of time at work, i played glen campbell’s version and i was so moved and i had tears streaming thru my eyes and i had goosebumps… the music drenched me as tho the notes were raindrops and it was so hard to not move my body (as i’m a dancer) to the rhythm of this song and dance around in the office…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4ga67edrki

i had times when there’s that feeling of loneliness. the tangible loneliness and in a big city.  but the city doesn’t know your name. doesn’t know you. sitting at work, walking down the street, accidentally having conversations with strangers, wanting to cry at the old men begging for money, homeless people sheltering in the trolley stops, wanting to hug the little children who look so malnourished & ignored. but more than that, there is this want. wanting, so badly, to hold someone and let them have enough faith in you that they would just sink in you without even thinking about coming up for air.

as i am listening to this song again, i am thinking about longing… the physical longing of someone to talk to, to get a cup of coffee with and sit and talk about how beautiful love is and how beautiful it is to be living in this time….

hope is beautiful. someone to give me hope is wonderful. terry is beautiful and wonderful. but he is not mine. i keep reminding myself that.

and then suddenly to have it all turn over quietly. being with someone. to watch a play and hear music and watch dancers and to fall in love with a voice, with a song, to realize once more why you are here in the first place; to fall back in love with the faith that you once had, the beautiful and intangible feeling of belonging to someone, the companionship of everyone having had felt this way before me, and knowing that so many will feel the same way after i am long gone, the warmth that i felt. all due so much to terry, who brought me out of my slumber when i needed it more than anything.

i forget sometimes, how good it feels to feel.

walking home in crispy night imagining someone with me, in step with me, i couldn’t stop smiling. i thought of a poem that julien read me so many years ago, how i laughed at the first line, how he told me to stop because it was serious, and i laughed again, this time quietly to myself. and the moment when we went to the market, talking about haricot verts and beets, and kissed in the snack aisle…  i thought of how the simplest moments can become the most beautiful. i smiled, and i smiled, at the couples walking past, the quiet girl in a thick jacket walking alone, she too smiling to herself. we looked up and we both just laughed.

there is a reason why i always hated these months the most. they took julien from me. but now, i have terry and i love him for giving me faith. faith in the city. jace once said because i am so loving, love always finds me and protects me. i love my cats and terry (?) and i love my friends, though very small in number, they were always very faithful and loving to me, even protective. i miss some of my friends. but i miss me when i was with julien the most.

ps: i saw terry today and i even spoke with him… needless to say i’m on cloud infinity… he is gorgeous (for an american) and i should be shot for feeling this way.

pps: i know my secret blog is no longer a secret. i mean, i have an iq of 180+ 🙂 i don’t mind if you read it… 🙂

credit:

Mason Williams – Classical Gas (1968)
Mason Williams
from: “The Mason Williams Phonograph Record”  
Produced by Mike Post

“Classical Gas” is an instrumental musical piece composed and performed by Mason Williams with instrumental backing by members of The Wrecking Crew.”-Wikipedia

 

sext

this doesn’t belong here and it’s not poetic.. it’s personal and it hurts. i wanted to write you a page out of my life but i get nostalgic around this time and i remembered this from my past and so i want to leave this here before i forget, so it may feed my soul and warm my bones when i’m old.

i love the moments when i lie down in his lap and listen to his ridiculous conversation. once he told me that there is heartbeat in my fingertips as he kissed my fingers. we always seem to have tumbled into a world of half awake and half asleep and i love to just listen to him rambling on and on about things which make no sense, but at the same time make a whole lot of sense.

there is a certain tenderness when he holds me. and i feel anything but beautiful when i am in his arms and i feel as tho my heart is remembering and humming a sweet sweet song…. i am entranced every time as his warm throbbing skin makes way into mine. sex is beautiful with him. he taught me how to get choked. the first time he did it, my throat had a beautiful bruise and my windpipe fucking hurt, but i enjoyed the sex.  and the other day, we made a video of us fucking, and he wore his glasses and at that time i didn’t think of anything, but later i was watching the video we made and man, he looked gorgeous with his glasses on and the whole sex act looked so classy. and i loved the way my breasts swung when i was riding him.

i would have felt that my skin and i were out of sync and that i was living a nightmare. but things have worked out. it worked out for both of us. we became oasis for each other and we rescued each other from a nightmare called life. sometimes you want to run away from yourself and your skin and then you hit a wall and you sort of stumble into someone’s arms and you cry out rescue me, please help me and not let me be hurt and then you realize the other person is also hanging on to you and shouting out the same. and then, sometimes, the sun sets at a perfect angle and lights up the sky the way i light up when i see him. sometimes, all i need is a buttered toast and eggs cooked over-easy and i sit and sigh and sigh and sigh and snuggle into his arms a little bit closer and whisper as if to remind myself that this is home to me. sometimes that’s all you need.

 

novembers are hard

in which anubis tries to steal……

…… my drink, but bitterly disappointed as he found grape juice instead of milk…. look at him glaring at me ! my kids are spoiled..

 

contemplation in front of the fireplace with no pants on / reading all the beautiful things, beautiful writers write to me anonymously and ask me questions / for example, what do i love about moon ? / also, need a pedicure (and a manicure) / how long has it been ? / why hasn’t my ballet teacher yell at me yet ? / full moon ramblings / beaver mooon

on the cusp….

11/2/2017

i can’t even explain it but like, damn, fall speaks to my soul on such an intimate, deep level. like it places it’s hands on my knees and looks deep into my soul and asks me personal questions… did you see the moon tonight ? it’s not full yet but on the verge of being one…. the feeling that resonates inside me when the weather turns crisp and the earth turns grey is so powerful and positive i can hardly contain it.

this day started awful… my cat boy minnu, is mama’s boy and when he is not out frolicking in the yard (he and his brother sonu jump the fence and go gallivanting), he sticks close to his mama and tries to help me and so if i open the clothes dryer door, he gets in there, and if i open refrigerator door, he jumps in there and one time, i opened the refrigerator door and he jumped in when my back was turned and i haven’t realized that and i coolly shut the door and then i could hear him meowing faintly and i thought he went out and i called and called and when he stopped answering i thought he jumped the fence and gone….after an hour or more, may be, for some reason i had to open the refrigerator and when i saw him, my heart just stopped and he was cold and i quickly tucked him under my shirt so my body can heat him up and my word, i would have died if anything had happened to him. and now i keep checking and double checking the refrigerator esp when i have to go out and i get panicky if i don’t see him before i walk out of the door…

so when i got home last night, he came down the steps to the garage bouncing and immediately jumped into my arms and helped me to put things away and when i opened the boot of my car, he jumped in it and stayed there and i took the shopping upstairs to put away and he followed me like the lamb he is and i completely forgot that i left the boot open and in itself it’s not bad at all, but i have the car lights on auto and so unless all the doors and boot are shut, the lights stay on…. you know where i am going with this right ?

so when i came bouncing down the stairs this morning, got into my lexus boy and inserted the key and turned and nothing !!!

i screamed but it was getting late so i trotted off to the train station, silently promising myself that i will punish minnu when i get home… and i arrived at the station sweating (it was warm today) and i had a thick sweater on and saw the train leaving as i was walking up to the station and i wanted to cry…

it’s getting harder for me to avoid the boy especially when i hear him a foot or two away and all my being keeps still and breathes in his every whisper and word and i almost cried for not seeing him. but i made it another day by the skin of my teeth…

withdrawal sets in when ?

there was a bit of hilarity about the muffin tops… someone at work took off the muffin top to eat and left the stem and brian came to me to report it and i educated him on this particular episode of seinfeld on the same topic… muffin tops and we had a good laugh.

brian wanted to find out why i haven’t shown up for the breakfast stuff this morning and i rolled my eyes….enough said ?!? i’ve stopped going to the social gathering of the office as they are immensely boring and i have nothing in common with anyone and they all talk about some stuff which doesn’t interest me and ugh… it’s a torture honestly as the boy will be there and he never talks to me (because we have nothing in common and i could wear an eagles jersey but i don’t care for eagles and fuck that ! i would never bleach my hair blonde to attract someone or flutter my eyelashes at someone or pretend to be someone i am not… even if he were terry, my blue eyed boy !)

and well… i probably went for one or two events and then i stopped… they recently had a halloween costume thingy and i didn’t go, not because i don’t wanna socialize but more like it’s pagan and i can’t get into that for religious reasons; but now everyone is like why aren’t you there and i am like ummm……..

i left early to come home to get aaa to jumpstart my car and it’s like an hour and a half wait and i changed my clothes for my ballet class and while waiting i danced around a bit….

i sat on the stoop (?) or threshold of my front door with a layer of sweat dancing on my skin and watched the sky turn from blue to a misty grey and orange, a sweet dank smell in the air and bit musty… i love this feeling. overcome with a calmness that starts in my fingertips and settles in my chest…. being thankful

the guy came and jumped my car and like everyone else who met my car(s) fell in love with it and i took his phone no. because he is going to do a bit of work on it and promised me he won’t charge me an arm and a leg and honestly, i would rather give him my car to work on it and then take it for a drive than to someone who don’t appreciate my cars… i mean, i am a classy woman and i own things which have class or i will go without it… never settle for knock-offs…

on my way back from ballet, the moon was bright (almost) it’s not full moon yet but it was beautiful and i was in tears because i miss terry… i’m thinking i need someone so i can fall apart in their arms and a chest to sob into…

for the blue-eyed boy with a backpack, i never once imagined i would accidentally meet you and that i would have something in my life as amazing (goddamn ! i’m hoping you are amazing) as you.

i want you to reveal your secrets. may be i will tap you on the tip of your nose with my fingers and let my warmth fade gently into your skin, mingle with your blood to reveal an inky scrawl of the marauder’s map, telling me exactly where i need to go to figure you out. help me to find you. i see you in the cusp of the trees, in the keys of a piano, in the soft curves of a flower… the strings of the violin, seems to leak your voice in whispers and i see you in the soft curtains in the glow of the morning sun… help me to know you… help me to figure you out and i want you to reveal me your secrets.

for the boy with the backpack, maybe i will keep making the same mistakes again and again; maybe i will keep making a handful of u-turns and maybe that’s just what life is about sometimes; taking chances on strangers and not worrying about getting lost along the way. i’m keeping my heart open.

bises !

ps: goddamn ! i need another boy to write about ! a boy who is single and available and completely compatible with me…

narcissus (amor fati series)

i want to be your favorite.

i want to tattoo my words on your inner eyelids
so all you ever see
when you cum, are my words
so you scream and scream my name in pleasure
and you repeat…..
and you repeat
you’re mine and i’m yours

i want to be the best cocktail you ever drank
my essence writhing down your throat
and sliding and seeping forward to your tongue
don’t i taste heavenly ?
you bet i fucking do
‘cause i’m the lust you feel
when i waltz into your view

i want you to love my words
the curved head of my ‘a’s and
the sharp pointed bum of my ‘v’s and
every letter in between
‘cause when i write of love and sex
i meant only you

i want to be your favorite

i want you to sit awake late at night
‘cause there are still pages of me to flip thru
i’m insatiable to your twisted tongue
whispering sweet nothings in your ear
breathing and melting into your skin

i want to be your favorite
your definition of truth
your most addictive vice
a ferocious cat in your bed
and a purring kitten giving you a head

i want to be your favorite…
book you love and read and reread
and trace each line with your fingers
soft and moist, firm and gentle

call me narcissus, if you want
but i want to be your most beloved
i want to be your favorite !

hello november !

11/01/2017

first day of november !  philly is currently experiencing my favorite weather, gloomy and cold but not raining.  the sun may even come out tomorrow… for me, this is the best time to be outdoors because the sun isn’t beating down on me and i get to dress cozy in a sweater, leggings, and ankle boots and go crunch, crunch on the leaves… can’t wait !

november is finally here and i’m really looking forward to all the exciting things which may happen…. for starters, there’s this exhibition starting in two days at philly art museum and of course, i will be there to look at those paintings… i’ve other project starting on (tumblr) and unlike here, (i only got three), i would be bombarded by submissions which i need to read and repost…

also november is for being thankful…i am happy to report i have things to be thankful for and will make a list.

nothing to report on the boy front which is noteworthy except, except….. i survived a whole day without seeing my boy and i have listed out excuses to waltz into his office to talk to him and he also gave me a couple of opportunities to go to him but i stuck to my ground and am going to give him up for the month of november to develop a sort of immunity as i’m painfully aware of my destiny. while my love won’t grow any dimmer, i’ve to prepare for the imminent crash of my dreams  when he gets married… you know what i mean ? and i don’t want to revert to self harming as jack will get furious and also it’s hard to explain to my beauticians who work on my body… i can’t keep saying that they are scratches from my cats (poor kitties).

well i’ve written another poem tonight which i will post shortly..

good night my lovelies…

last day of october

10/31/2017

autumn moons make me wanna stay at home and take long baths and wear nothing but a bathrobe and stare at the moon drinking coffee and just dream…. tonight, while i was coming home from my doc appointment, i saw the moon still half but glowing with a promise of becoming a full and beautiful one… i love full moons and cold, crisp air, crunchy leaves, wearing hoodies, making sweater traps for my babies (they get stuck in my sweaters because of their claws), disillusionments, warm glow of fire places, hot chocolates and endless coffees, freshly made banana nut bread and cuddles with my kitties and lying on a warm pile of clothes freshly taken out of the dryer.. feel like taking a day off, cleaning the house, refusing to shower, eating junk food (i have none at home currently) and reading poems with no pants on.

i’m not sure how i lose my socks all the time…but i seem to be buying them every other week… so well now i have to wear new socks and for some reason these socks are slipping off into my boots and i’ve to stop and undo the laces of my boots and pull the goddamn socks up and lace up again and my whole story is something as silly and hysterical as that i read on tumblr and i keep giggling to myself – well, what else is new, eh ? “i walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

for the second day in a row, i haven’t been to the gym and i am slightly cringing that i will get slapped on my bum by my ballet teacher and aargh ! yesterday it was doing food shopping for my baby bastet as i ran out of her favorite food and of course when i went to petsmart there was this guy who was buying  $100 worth of wet food for a charity and well i was happy that he is buying food for the animals but it took a long time. from there, i, um… i am not sure what i did because when i got home it was late…..   tonight i have made an appointment to get my eyes checked because i haven’t been to the eye doctor since 2012 and things are getting blurry again and i thought i should. i got all the exams taken care of and my eyes are fine and my vision changed a bit and i am getting new glasses and the lady who was helping me and i laughed and giggled the whole way through but it was another late night.

there is this boy who creeps into our floor and uses one of the conf. rooms which is right in front of me, as his own and at first i thought, he is visiting from some other office and so he was put in there but then i found out that he just was squatting and it honestly is aggravating me… to top it off, now because of him, other colleagues of his started coming up to escape their floor and i chased them off and i haven’t resolved this problem yet but by god, i will. in the meantime, one of my colleagues. pete, went into that room and closed the door to make a phone call and he did that when i wasn’t at my desk and so when i came back, i naturally assumed that it was jake, the squatter and so i called the facilities people on him and well… it was pete ! pete is like i forgive you and i told him the whole story and well, now tommy and pete are teasing me and of course we all burst into giggle fits…i can’t even tell you how i get into such situations….

my boy is very protective of his team and more often than not, i have to explain certain things to him why something is this way or that way and i have to be very careful how i present my points because you see, i can easily get on his nerves and so i try and explain correctly and carefully. i actually like one of his team members. genevieve. i always have trouble pronouncing names because when i see a name, my brain automatically pronounces it in french and well, i have to make a conscious effort to pronounce it in english. i think she is genuine, you know pure in spirit. i think she is from a small town or village and not quite contaminated by big city. and more importantly, i think she figured me out… i put up a very bitchy exterior and hide behind makeup and red lipstick to protect myself and she figured this out. i’m not expecting much from her anyway as humans have this awful habit of hurting me very badly and i survived and i learnt my lessons and i am cautiously friendly. all in all, i like her more than anyone else in the office well, obviously my boy comes first as he has my heart and of course this other director who i really admire and have lots of respect for him and i hold him in high esteem.

today my boy crept in quietly and i didn’t realize he was in the office till he went past my cubicle and i almost jumped off of my skin…. and i was momentously angry at him for not announcing his arrival… how dare he ? but i was giddy with happiness to see him and i also talked to him briefly and i grow very small in his presence and i of course, kick myself for feeling this way…… what am i ? a teenager ?

it’s been a handful of quiet blissful days, pressing emotions into the lines of my palm to remember to share with you later. we will share all of these, aren’t we ? all of this feels so big, so on the goddamn cusp, so right on the edge of this uncomfortable place i have returned to, surrounded by people i’ve no common threads with, but for you & me, our knots that tether us are tied in different places; my love stems from collecting & not creating, so this is me stumbling blindly into this autumn, this silent preparation for what is to come s & i’m once again giving myself to something that once felt terrifying but now provides a comfort, a gentle murmur in the silences between us, here we go, here we go, here we go.

Bises !

 

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