this was from my last christmas (with julien), the last time i ever decorated anything for christmas and i am hoping to decorate again in 2018.
well, finally it feels like winter and then some and give me stockings and blazers and hoodies and large coffees and reading in bed all day under my comforter and pumpkin soup and browsing bookstores for hours because it is raining/snowing so hard any day.
i have taken vacation days since 20th of december. i wanted to put the following as my out of office message but i thought better of it as i think many people have no sense of humor.
“hello i won’t be in the office as i have resolved to stay home which feels like heaven and this is where i will be till after new year’s. i don’t believe in santa clause but will be on the look out for him in between spending time with my family, getting my bum black and blue (from falling repeatedly while skiing) and trying to stay warm.
i will not be checking email as the email servers are frozen for sure because of the arctic front.
i will be stuck in the arctic tundra for a few days but gosh i will surely try and stay warm and hope you do the same.”
my desire to get my bum black & blue didn’t quite happen as my boy horus was critically sick due to anorexia and i spent christmas eve at the emergency room; my baby horus was devoted to my husband and every year this time in november (it’s jace’s birthday) gets dutifully depressed as he misses his papa and then he fasts. i watch over him and this year somehow i missed out his fasting and i’m happy to report i will be bringing him home tomorrow but he is coming home with a e-tube (feeding tube) till he is back up to his weight. all the doctors and nurses sang praises of him saying how sweet he is but this is true of all my kids. my kids get praised all the time that they are the sweetest on the planet. i’m a very proud mama.
i stayed indoors most of the time, binge watching all the shows which i have lined up and completed two books.
each morning before breakfast, i built a little fire in my fire place so we can have breakfast around the warm cozy fire. because of cold weather, all my kids and i are bundled into my bed with hot water bottles under our blankets and i am in a kitty heaven with my reading and catching up on all my shows.
for a few days i couldn’t figure out why i was feeling so cold and me not wearing pants didn’t help much so i bundled myself up with appropriate pants and a hoodie. and then i learned that i needed to bleed the radiators and i couldn’t open the cap and so i had electric heaters but it’s not warm enough but it’s ok as i absolutely love living in my naked skin, without make up, hair hanging loose and wearing my husband’s shirts and generally looking like a hobo most of the time. and as per my custom, i have taken hundreds of selfies. i’m relaxing and being good to myself and to my body, getting massages every other day and long baths.
christmas was lonely as usual and i do miss my parents and all the christmases past, when we bundled up and went caroling or preparing snacks for the carolers who visited. it was more christ centered event than what i see in usa. sadly in america christmas is very commercialized event but i love the way lights are strung up on the trees and the snow and the cold makes this such a lovely affair and i used to enjoy sitting out bundled up with my boy julien and later my husband with hot chocolates and sniffling and listening to john coltrane and his lovely clarinet.
so this christmas i spent the night bundled up and sat in my window dangling my feet out, listening to john coltrane, eating hachiyas and drinking hot chocolate, and talked to my babies about my plans and the importance of having goals and living life in the fullest and read them poems on love lost.
(coltrane raindrops on roses and you are welcome – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwg2dsxv5hi)
people always have me in group chats which is real pain in the derrier, but i keep quiet not to hurt their feelings, but most of these group chats have nothing of value and i spend every sunday clearing out the texts between chores. but recently i started getting these texts, from someone and i don’t know who she or he is. they are mostly sabbath greetings or bible verses encouraging me but he/she wants to remain anonymous. i’m suspecting that this person may be the guy my church elder wants me to date. aaron, is a nice bloke but i am not. apart from me loving god intensely and trying very hard to walk with him, i have many short comings. thankfully god still loves me in spite of my short comings and because of this if i were to remarry, i want someone who loves god, who is involved in church and who is of my faith. my husband was a very good man but he was an atheist or agnostic and it was the sad note in my otherwise happy marriage and my life is a soap opera even without my involvement whatsoever and i learnt in a hard way that everything we do have consequences and hence my life became and becomes very complicated. recently i was telling terry as he thought jace was jewish and i was like no he wasn’t and it’s complicated. there’s a spanish saying “god says take what you want (out of life), but pay the price”. i forgot this and i paid a hefty price when i married jace. still no regrets as he was a lovely man and he taught me quite a lot and once again, i must say, i was loved by two very lovely and beautiful men and probably i don’t deserve it but nevertheless, i was loved immensely.
lately i was thinking of relationships and if i really should even bother and i firmly lay the blame at my feet as i shouldn’t have fallen in love with terry, but you know, my life though very sad, was immensely beautiful when my boys were alive and i’m grateful for the time i had with them and i keep searching for that life and i want that life again. i’m sure i will get it back once i meet the right person and honestly, i can’t wait to meet him and get bundled up and listen to coltrane on frigid winters or read poems with him / to him and go walking on the streets shimmering with christmas lights.
2018 is going to be busy and interesting and full of new things. i just can feel it. i am excited and i have missed being this excited.
good bye 2017, you were amazing !