sitting on the edge of the bed and contemplating on life in general and all the corners we turn and rough roads we travel on. all happy families are happy alike and unhappy families are unhappy in their own unique way (i’m quoting it from the book “the dinner” which is my current read) i’m a feminist and would love to castrate all men and then i remember the pleasure of sex and the need for a penis. toys, including the most expensive ones, are a great let down. and i have these urges which needed to seeing to on a regular basis. at the back of my mind, i know i should take up a lover soon as i need to fuck properly and as i said, sex toys are a huge let down. and i still think maybe we should castrate all dumb people including females.
coming back to the point, was at my vet’s today and the guy there, was moping about and i asked him what’s wrong and he told me he can’t see his daughter this christmas as his ex put a restriction order or something on him citing sexual abuse just because his 9 year old wrote a letter to a boy in her class saying she may be pregnant. now this guy is a general, all american jackass who preens around like he is a god’s gift to women folk and most of the time, i feel like slapping him, but i have seen him with his daughter and he ain’t the type and i would have hard time believing it. whenever i was at the vet’s, i saw him seating little alicia in front of one of the computer for her to play games, with a candy or a juice box and this blonde kid and i would chat about various things as she keeps playing her games on the computer. the world has gone rogue and it’s a good thing i don’t have kids as i would have been a nervous wreck or a she-hulk squishing anyone and everyone who dares to look at my babies. all this because of the evilness of humans. as i said, i am a feminist and i am all for women’s rights and all that jazzy stuff, but now a days things have gone too far in the name of rights, civil or otherwise, whether it’s race issues or sexual harassment or what not. which completely nauseates me. everybody giggles over and over again when racial slurs or sexual harassment happen on movies, or tv but in reality, this is life imitating after such shows ! anyway, there’s a huge rant brewing up on all this goddamn #metoo movement and i have this urge to slap someone and i am not sure who i should slap.
this month was extraordinary in which i branded myself unlovable and closed my heart to my boy and shut my goddamn blog down, but then i forgot that i have approx. 25k followers on one of the social media and that they love reading my stuff; i was inundated with emails asking for permission, and needless to say i made my blog public again as it became a painful chore and i’m a lazy person to begin with.
my company had a huge holiday party & i was there to take care of stuff and i had no intention of mingling or chatting or networking with people, but i was introduced to this one executive by sheer chance and he and i said some amicable things and all of sudden it became an opportunity to grow within the company and i immediately designated him (and i told him as well) as my mentor no. 2 and he advised me to take some courses and he asked me to give him my resume so he can forward to the right parties. i related this to my mentor, tim, and he and i started outlining my courses. i told him that i would like to do another degree but refuse to put in 180 credits (for a bs) and he said i would like to see you try….. lol but for me it seems such a waste because i have two masters already along with two bachelors and in four majors.
and then tim & i got into this huge episode involving persimmons thesis and an exploding hachiya in my purse as i love over ripe hachiyas.
there’s a little writing board in my cubicle and tim wrote, “it’s all our fault”. since day one, he kept telling me this and it’s like a private joke between us. last week my boss told me that as a feedback, she was told that i take things personal and get offended and it kind of took me by surprise and my temper rose and i became evil for an instant but i told her that their perception may be correct and probably depends on the context and that she should only pay attention to what tim says about me and no one else because frankly speaking, everyone else can go and fuck themselves and i could care less about what others think of me and that it only matters to me what she and tim think of me. after all, i have dealt with most powerful men in my life and gained their respect. but we put off this conversation for a future day in january, 2018 when we go out to eat where i will dissect out the department in detail as she wants my feedback.
i have taken detours and side steps to avoid terry, but ended up on his office door step and he looked like a lamb or a deer with his eyes caught in the headlights and he chatted about christmas and what i believe and i really don’t mind him asking me about my values or my life but general manners dictate i should ask him the same, but i really don’t want to know about his life as it makes me feel empty and broken all over again. i mean, what is the point, i can’t share his life & personally i think he should get married, so i can move on as married men are off limits & what is he waiting for any way ? goddamn ! it gave me a huge pleasure to tell him “freddie krueger” delivers the presents under the christmas tree when he said (and god i hope he was joking) he believes in santa or else who delivers his presents ? and i can tell he wasn’t expecting me to say that. haha !
things are getting to normal for me again and i’m relatively ok. have cut my arms and walked around with full sleeves to hide the scars. and the rest of the year, i have taken off so i can selfcare and catch up with myself and say hello to myself and see how i’m doing.
i reset and revisited my goals. i’m looking forward to become healthy and get my ballet body back and my regular gym visits are already showing results and my boobs are perky even without the bra and i am running around with no bra now a days and my midsection is actually melting (thank heavens i won’t die as a half a cow) as i usually look like a beached whale because of my steroids and if i don’t put in time at the gym.
goal 2 would be to gain knowledge in finance and master the same and pave way towards my new career.
goal 3 would be to clear out my house of all things which remind me of my past.
goal 4 and this is the hard one. for a while now, i wanted to write two letters and i haven’t so far. one to my son who i lost. christian who jace and i conceived. and the other letter to the child julien and i dreamed of having and the baby girl whose name julien picked out. noélie. julien and i never conceived a child. but i kept going back to her name. i feel like it is important somehow. it keeps popping up in my mind at random times of the day. i feel like i need to tell you (terry) this. but why bring that up when it’s not important ? when it makes no difference ? we aren’t a we. but in the back of my mind, there they are. always.
optional goal would be to find a french lover or two or three and why not ? lol
bonne nuit à tous !