love apparently

i’m here and here are somethings i want you to know, all you lovely people of the internet…. i’m fully exhausted with my scheduled feedings of horus and every day is another misery and i’m wondering how long would it take to finally break me with this sleeplessness…. but seeing my kid come to my bed when i stir in the wee morning and then purr happily with the anticipation of nourishment, is a magnificent sight and he comes meowing and cooing and rubs his head against my face and i’m happy. he is still showing no interest in eating on his own except couple of times when he licked a bit of some chicken flavored food. i so need to get a variety of foods to see which one he would like to eat, but i’m exhausted. i think it’s partly because my lungs are not working as well as they should in spite of inhaler and i can’t wait for the weather to turn a bit warm and bring me fresh set of allergies..

so robbie (the boy who just turned 30) wanted to take me to canada for valentine’s day… but i said no as it requires me getting a passport and i’m planning not to get a passport for a while as i am still on steroids for my breathing and it makes me look bloaty and passports have expiration dates for like ten years or so… and therefore, we probably may end up at la croix, my favorite french restaurant in philly..

i was talking to tim (my mentor) about negative results or negative learning. this is something where you find out that you don’t like to do xyz. for example, one may do something like gardening for the first time and decide it’s not their cup of tea.. in this regard i was telling him how jace (my husband) did two things in the name of science and experiment. well, we scientists are suckers for data and so we collect for everything. when he was fifteen, he worked with a farmer for a summer to find out how farming life is and he found that farming was hard labor and that he never would be a farmer. another time, when he was doing his post doc in paris, france, jace  dressed up as a homeless man and he stood in a corner and begged for money (not even that, he told me, he just stood there with a hat in his hand) and he found out that beggars made lot more than his student stipend… 😊 i was so filled with happiness from talking about jace…

my american boy keeps circling my cubicle… i was standing way too close to him today and it’s hard not to flirt or seduce him… in spite of the cold weather, i was warm. sober and whole and innocent. in the most natural of states. with him, like his presence made me something better, newer, cleaner. like this was all i had needed. a balm for my scars… something so familiar with a foreign thrill, the spits of water burning off the scars. they seem to fade when he touches them. i forget they exist. and i forget that i live in an imaginary world.

little warning my lovely boy…

seduction is both a science and an art.  in order to perfect it, one must construct a hypothesis based on extensive research and subject that hypothesis to rigorous testing. ultimately, though, the key to seduction is the communication of your results.  therein lies the art.  the manner of presentation rests within the curl of my lips and eyes and discretion. and i’m quite an expert in communicating with my curves and lips and eyes.

and also, seduction is like boxing.  it requires both endurance and persistence.

breathe deeply, my darling boy…  i’ve only just put on my gloves.

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