a drizzly day ennui

hello it’s a cold, gray and misty sunday… how is your sunday ?

i woke up thinking (for whatever reason), autumn is to say goodbyes and winter is to forget and spring is to have rebirths.

on friday one of my best friends has died of brain cancer and i’m a bit gloomy. mainly because in spite of my endless begging, she wouldn’t let me visit her. i first met ingrid at my current church. (i was a lutheran before i became an adventist) and i bonded with her as she was as outspoken as i am. she was born in germany and had a very unhappy childhood and a nazi as her father; we used to spend our sabbath afternoons having picnics and hiking and having bible studies. this was before i got married and then we drifted apart as i moved away and they moved and you know, life happens. but then i found out that she got separated (or divorced) after she had an affair and stuff. even though this pained me immensely, i’m not gonna judge because remember “happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way – tolstoy”. i wanted to sit with her and giggle and reminisce as for me there are very few happy memories and she was one of them. but now she is gone and well….

yesterday i was at church, and after the sabbath worship services and an elder who knew that i was ingrid’s friend, told me to talk to someone as “i’ve gone through so much” and this adds to my sadness and to try and be not so detached. easy for him to say but i am still processing. i’ve been processing my feelings for a long time now and my “inbox” is actually full.  actually i don’t know how to process my feelings.  i can speak about them, from a third person point of view or as an observer. i am able to analyze and offer my thoughts and i am able to summarize them. but i can’t feel them. i put my life on pause and i wallow in silence. (“i, too, remember that feeling. you are caught between all that was and all that must be. you feel lost…” murakami, hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world.)

life goes on, life goes on, life goes on… i keep muttering to myself

friday afternoon, while coming home from work, dropped by the market to get a roast chicken for my kids and i was wearing my flyers hoodie and this guy in the check out line before me said “i work for them”… and i was chatting with him and discussed their miserable loss the day before and he was like they were all in the vacation mood… i wish i could go and slap each of them, but they are still my boys. i told him that flyers can come and sit in my cubicle anytime they want and he was like “where is this cubicle” and i told him where i work….. and oh, on friday, my boss did the sweetest thing, she hung a flyers idk what you call it but it’s like a flag (from years ago) in my cubicle and it warmed my heart.

i am eagerly waiting for superbowl sunday to rally behind my boys “the patriots”. my friends on facebook and i are fighting and chad is like are you from boston that you are patriots fan and i said, i like boston cream pie does that count ? at my work they are having a super bowl party and i have half a mind to bring some of those pies as all of the people at work (except for tim) are eagles fans… and i need to make sure there are plenty of tissues ready for them for the day after superbowl so they can wipe off their tears… :p

in my kitty news update… horus my child is now officially plump like his mama and he keeps flicking off the top of his feeding tube (the one with white tip) and i spend loads of time looking for this and this morning, i spent two hours looking for the top and i gave up… i plugged his tube with a crudely home made top (i just rolled a piece of paper towel and stuffed it into the feeding tube)

cheeti, my calico kitty who i rescued in 2002 and was so traumatized when we got her, that she wouldn’t let us (now me) touch her or pet her unless she wanted to, now finally trusts me and started spending time with me and now a days sleeps next to me and lets me massage her little body and she has the softest of fur and my eyes turn misty with emotion. i used to ask her if she would ever let me show affection before she or i die.

my skittles girl is definitely a super smart kitty. i feed my kids in paper plates and when my kids lick off the food from the plates the plates tend to move and so my other kids chase the plate. i observed skittles today and when the plate was trying to move away from her, she put her paw on the plate to hold it down and finish her breakfast…i was so fucking impressed with her !

currently, i am running around my house, white rabbit style, washing my bed sheets, clothes, vacuuming, trying to dry my body and my hair and dancing to the pixies and trying to write something philosophical in between and i need another coffee…. and oh oh oh, i want to go for a drive very badly on kelly drive just to feel the cold air hit my face & make me feel alive…

good morning y’all and more later…

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