here & now

it’s snowing this morning but no accumulations because it’s warm out. i walked around my neighborhood with a cup of cocoa for a bit and caught snowflakes in my hair. (i’ve asthma and i shouldn’t do stupid things like this, but i’m being stupid for a change…. pneumonia, you are welcome). i stayed home as i needed to bring my kid horus to ze vet for his f/u blood work to make sure he doesn’t have internal bleeding.

i’m happy to be home to be surrounded by my cats as i’m kind of sad. i’ve been thinking about the american boy and how he talks about his girlfriend and i was thinking he is happy with who and what he got and while i’m happy for him, i’m sad as i’d have to push pause and explore couple of other boys who actually seem to be interested. i just need to find out if any of them is worth having a relationship ie that they are not neanderthals and all too much bloody americans as i find all americans loud, relatively obnoxious, unromantic and too chauvinistic and me being a highly intellectual, educated and feminist being, we are not a good mix. all this came about as how these boys keep wanting to do stuff with me and its not fair for them i think as even though i do go out, my mind is always on the unknown. and having said that, i’m planning to get a passport so i could go away for a weekend… anyway, american boy has to wait for a bit while i pursue other avenues… oh well, life goes on…

i often find myself falling into an overwhelming grief and by some coincidence, like when i’m chilling in my car or my bed or listening to music so it’s not that bad.  my brain warps and warbles when i’m in a mood like this and my thoughts go like: “the world in general is very much fucked and i’m running low on hummus; are those yellow flowers on that open bush; why is that woman wearing that awful dress and oh my car has great speakers and this is a great gift to be immersed in the greenness of the traffic light and so on and so forth. the mere multiplicity of it all… and ding ding ding…

being in the present moment. there’s full immersion and magical things like attending concerts, having sex, and skydiving (i never get to do this because i found out i was pregnant the day i was to jump) or bungee jumping or going scuba diving; participants in these activities are completely and utterly immersed to their bones in these moments. there’s no pausing in the past no stress for future and just living, breathing and absorbing every detail like a thirsty, bone-dry sponge; highly tuned to the smells, the sights, the tastes, the touches and the sounds become rich and colorful and alive; is there a better way to live than being in the present moment ? that’s why i love animals as they live in the present moment. just acknowledge and appreciate your current situation with eyes wide open and even more wide open heart. such liberation, such life !

i love being surrounded by my cats when i’m sad. i long for the velvety silk milk warmth of loving by a human, which is currently in hibernation. it faintly translates to getting caught in a deluge and getting drenched and just laughing but the sky was black as my grief; and when the rain ended the color of the sky and there’s no way i can describe how clean and how clear  and how crisp and how surreal the world seems; it amazes me what these violent storms do to the colourscape and it amazes me what ends up radiating. i don’t necessarily feel sad; i just feel like …. oh what are the words ? … i just feel like, my heart is buried somewhere deep, deep and going pitter pitter pitter… who knows about relations, or who knows what love is or even whether i’m equipped for it or whether it’s enough ? i’m sure i’m not gonna die of an aching heart, or loathsome loneliness; i’m sure i’m going to laugh those big laughs again while hanging off of a loved one and catch snowflakes in the hair while holding hands with someone who loves me and i’m sure there will be days for me with cozy comfort but i’m here, now and thinking about not running away; there will be days we can meet in a garden where cats roam chasing squirrels and there will be days, and yes, we have to meet there again.

i wish us all sudden and unpredictable velvety silk comfort.

i will now go and put on a sweater.

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