my heart is ripe like a juicy mango – full of nauseatingly sweet smell of over-ripened things – and i’m exceedingly tired and i wondered about it on the train ride to home and then it hit me. i was in the gym and instead of weights, i put the ballet workout for half hour and gosh it tired me out.
these days have been full and brimming and chaotic but deeply, deeply beautiful. i have never felt so chaotic yet so beautiful. i have been running for miles and miles and miles in my mind. while walking to my car the other day from my trolley station i saw the budding bulbs on the ground and they made me so happy and i smiled at them and whispered “hello, i have been waiting for you”. sandalwood gave me two small daisey plants with flowers in them one is kind of deep red or maroon and the other a bright yellow (and he said because yellow reminds him of my smile).
i could index my days; love, age, my cat horus, sandalwood’s fisherman’s hat, peeling my entire dress off and down to just cami and panties, so i can pee in the woods when we went hiking after church (side note: he didn’t come into the church and so i can honestly say, this is a deal breaker and he knows it and said he will try but till he sets foot into the church, there won’t be any ding or a dong of wedding bells), and this day when a little girl held my hand on the train ride home till my stop.
oh this happened this week. i’ve asked tim, my mentor, for a reference letter for mba program and because we were busy at work he didn’t yet get to it and i’m pretty sure he wants to write me a good one and so i wasn’t expecting them to proceed with my app till they finished and curiouser and curiouser, monday i got an email asking me for an interview and i went to tim to say thank you and he was like i didn’t do it yet and but i’m happy anyway because this also means that they may be considering me for a scholarship of sorts which is based on merit and i’m floating in the clouds. and i’m doing a program that i’m so excited. and the other perk of being in school is i will have a student id and i could go to philly orchestra and opera and theater for cheap ! how great is that !
i’m blissful, in learning. in learning around these people like sandalwood and we hold each other so tender. yesterday in the tender night he moved his fingers down my spine, gently pressing the bones one by one while i laid on the floor; his hands so gentle like feathers and i forgot he was actually touching me and i kept seeing these chinese winter yellow jasmine flowers. and he told me that that when he reached the bottom of my spine, he felt this surge – this overwhelming feeling of love and protection.
in stillness, my body stops ringing and i remember i’m full of grief and longing & this has always, always been the case. but when i think of the fact that i’m loved i feel like i’m bursting… and i feel myself being reterraformed and like sometimes it’s too much… and i feel like a bottle and i’m i am sloshing with these memories of laughter & rooms where i have been held gently and being caressed carefully and was spoken with the softest voices we usually reserve for each other on a warm, quiet nights; voices which brim with love.
there are little schools of fishies swimming through my eyes all day and all night.
for someone who feels important, i’m all tangled up in the magic of things…