spent past few days in a soupy, mushy feeling (still mush and soupey) and moping in general because patriots lost and i felt that loss deep to the marrow of my bones. after a good cry, i decided to continue to mope around a bit. i got a nasty cold and i stayed home for the better part of this week and i stopped watching news (stupid eagles are all over our local news). i listlessly flopped on my bed, my couch and sometimes with my face buried deep into my pillows. shot down all invites for dinners but shall go out on sunday because my friend wants to do a valentine dinner with me. wondering if i could get a reservation to “love” restaurant. sandalwood stopped gloating after i threatened him that i would banish him out of my life. i still owe robbie a movie and so goes my love life… after much analysis i found out that once i remove sex from the equation i am perfectly content being single with my kitties. and my laziness is already setting in and i don’t want to go through all these motions of finding a suitable mate just to get a perfect and satisfying scratch for my sexual itch.

and then there’s this “children” question. i’m conflicting between wanting children and not wanting them and i am definitely not gonna conceive but would love to adopt but children are rather problematic and the main downside is they are not cats. also, i am thinking i don’t want any man with kids. cats and other animals yes but no kids and this would completely rule out the american boy because he has some. i don’t want to compete for his affection as i’m a complete narcissist (and also unfair) as he probably would have to compete with my cats for my affection.

the boys i go out with are young and they keep telling me they don’t want kids, but i think they should and they probably will start feeling it when their biological clocks starts ticking louder.

and oh, side note and very irrelevant note… during my mopey sessions (after superbowl was lost) and even before that time, i watched a few movies (crime and serial killers and what have you) and for whatever reason (the movie titles aren’t worth remembering) every movie played this song at least once “crimson and clover” and so come monday my brain latched on to it and i woke up humming “….. and clover” having forgotten the word “crimson” and too lazy to google and so the whole monday and tuesday i went “la la la and clover” and then i went off on a tangent and remembered a particular episode of “frasier” where frasier crane forgets the words to a song “buttons and bows” (look before you leap episode)…. after cracking myself up silly tuesday night, i finally googled and i found out the song was “crimson and clover” and am now at peace.

i conflict whenever there is a remote possibility of finding happiness. i’m self-sabotaging that way and i don’t know how to stop myself and free myself from this negativity. i’m fighting very hard for a life where i feel as free as possible. trying not to get tethered to a place or material possessions save for the ones which i’m not done being sentimental about. i’m tethered to my cats tho because they save me from not getting lost in the abyss of my life. they are my lighthouses and perfect reminders for my sanity.  there has been someone that i deeply love and living very, very far from me. it has all been too much for so long and i’m exhausted. loving someone is exhausting. worrying about people is exhausting.

in my solitude, i slowly traced words that have been on my mind, very softly and gently in my head and then let them go, dropped them into where lost words fall when you finally let them go like the way petals fall from your fist. i keep muttering to myself i don’t want to hold onto the past anymore. i don’t want my past to define me. i just want. i just want to sit barefoot in a green place and eat something fresh, hand-plucked, from a garden. not eden. i am no eve. what i want is a place fought for. a place that i deserve. and i, maybe too much to ask, want a butterfly to flutter in slow ellipses over me, and land on the shoulder of someone that i love, sitting close by. and i want to think “yes, this is it. this is all there is. this is it.”

i’ll fight, and i’ll keep fighting, always and for as long as it takes, for my right to be, for all of our rights to be. to laugh, in open space, with no blade of fear no silver of shame pressed against the napes of us. i will fight for my little kitties and for my peace and for our happiness  and for all of the happiness of my friends, my future soulmate, my former lovers and loves and future loves — but when i am done, when i’m finally done, when i put down my sword, breathe out, and say god i’m so fucking tired — please, just let me go into my softness and let me be. i don’t want to just survive, forever. i don’t want to spend my entire life proving to myself that i can endure, and for that to be the cap over my head. i want, to extend myself outward. to settle so soft that everything around me warms. to be at peace with no thoughts for future, so that no clutter no banging of pans no fire at the edge of my door can phase me anymore. i just want to be calm. may be with butterflies fluttering over my head. or landing on the palm of my hand.

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