today was rather a sleepy day… i was still feeling the after effects of my cold and yesterday it rained all day and so the blahness continued to this monday which is already a big blah…
so i think i have a secret admirer…. the person i mentioned before and who texts me bible verses etc anonymously and today he (or she) actually wrote a very lengthy and a very sweet text without actually saying that i’m pretty important to him & what a precious thing i’m to him (or her?) oh well…
and today only i was talking to this coop girl at my work with who i giggle that i don’t get stalked anymore … true story, not to brag but i had so many stalkers and admirers and this with me just being a tom boy…. anyway i don’t understand why this person doesn’t come out and ask me out or let me know who he or she is…
coming back to the point, my heart twinged a little when i saw ze american boy today. i get pulled to him as a magnet pulls iron but gosh i really don’t know what to do ? each day when i see him, i remind myself to breathe and i teach my heart to unlove him. i recently considered to quit the job but then i changed my mind as i have a family to feed.
sandalwood is becoming somewhat important to me and i’m conflicted. i like him and i think he would be good for me. i haven’t decided yet.
to a certain degree, the things i write here have become impersonal or more like journal entries. i don’t name people so you, the reader, won’t bond with these characters… i have exchanged them to their characteristics and to the ideas of them. names and human characteristics have been exchanged for the space between people, for how i personally am moved by skin, by language, by touch — by everything that falls around love, that isn’t directly the object of my affections. i like it this way because then while sharing my experiences i still have that uncrossable bridge between me and you… with my friends i talk explicitly, or as a matter of factly; as after all, i am a scientist. i down play the workings of my heart with everyone. but you, the blog readers are ok as you are anonymous.. to the comfort of the anonymous i’ll write of everything that moves me but won’t go into details about things that are dangerous to put into words. that’s how i’ve always been, tho. i keep myself closed and i distance myself with other human beings. call it defense mechanism or just being arrogant; apart from the boys who don’t exist anymore, there will never be another person who will hold me up against the light and see every facet of me, every color and every hue that i can become. when these boys died, they emptied me of my essence.
i often think of us as “the little prince” (le petit prince) and that there are so many little island worlds we all belong to respectively. we hold so many planets in us and we won’t let any other human beings to land on it or let alone visit. and that’s so lonely a feeling.
what i would like is to find one human who can soothe the ache of wanting to discuss every molecule of my life. i want to be able to touch someone’s arm or shoulder or knee and understand the fear that consumed them in their childhood, the happiness of their freedom, the way they fell headfirst into love for the first time. i love stories.. and i want to know how each of us accumulate all these worlds, all these stories i wanted to live and have lived and the dreams…. all the dreams, i had carefully weaved…
i think what i desire the most is understanding, that falls deeper than words into a space between two humans that can’t be touched by language. sandalwood talked about this the other day how someone he knew talked about how we communicate with each other…. i am not much for communicating my heart matters…what i do is i rip out my heart and use it as a pen and scribble myself out into words…and currently that’s what I’m doing.. instead of holding the american boy in my arms and listening to his heart, i write about my love for him but also i’m painfully aware of his relationship status… for fuck sake he is almost married !
how can i explain to someone the sound of an ocean beneath a moonlight beam… you need my heart for that. i suppose i’m yearning; nay i’m coveting… there are certain people who are so in tune with the subtle nuances of my being. there are certain people who i can tell are hurting just by how they hold their hands on their lap or press their lips. but still, there’s always something missing. i may just be looking for something completely selfish. i may just be looking for the basic and primal human relationship.
it’s just loneliness, i think.
i’m just lonely, i think.
actually i am lonely for him.
but the thing is this ! still, still and still i’m hopeful.