for the loves of my past

my life is a wonderful one’ i keep mumbling as if to make myself believe.

i always overthink things that shouldn’t be overly thought. time is a selfish bitch and its consistence and constance is driving me to a point of sad sad insomnia. there’s not enough time.

there’s a boy in my bed reading poems out loud to me and my ribcage hurts when i breathe, but i’m happy, you know. there are so many people to say goodbye to and i’m afraid that tomorrow i’ll be too sad to function properly.

is it just positively not a good idea at all to want to say i love you to someone via text when you’re going to see him tomorrow. i came very close though. i think so, i don’t know. what would you do if someone said i love you and goodbye in the same sentence ? because that’s what i wanted to do and it’s complicated. i don’t know, i don’t know. today was a husky and dusky colored day. i feel like my winter has been one drawn out goodbye. everything is so up there, out there, somewhere that isn’t here. but i’m ending things. collecting the remaining pieces of me and putting them in my pockets.

my life is a wonderful one. i just have to smooth over all the edges that i’ve roughed up in the past, errr, two or three months.

this is an accumulation of my mind. i’m not saying anything anymore. there are no words for how i’m supposed to be feeling. i just want to drive around with my eyes closed until there’s nowhere to go anymore.

a love letter to my boys who don’t exist anymore.

you. i love you.

you may be faded images or i may be driving with my eyes closed. blurred humans or i’m going blind or i may be sleep deprived. i loved you more than i love sweet potatoes. i’ve never said that to anyone since you.

and i’ve fond memories of you; i’ve tucked these memories of you in my every cell to keep me alive and not feel so dead; i warm up to your memories and i remember the bonfires and drinking tea from a tea cup and falling over everyone and dancing with you and smelling your cigarettes and beautiful stories and vanilla flavoured cigars and collecting fall leaves and my electric blue dress and stumbling and talking trash and laughing with you and holding your hands and tracing your spinal cord and nibbling your lower lip & singing whatever and swaying to your guitar notes and forgetting about everything.

and oh how i loved to dance with you and i loved to move in the rhythm of you.. i’d rather not say hello to you and remember you; but you keep tugging at my heart’s skin, bringing up what i’d rather have forgotten. i can’t stop scratching these scars you left turning me upside down. i’d rather be under this spell of no return, knowing that there’s no winning here; i always lost myself in you and i’d rather lose myself in you and i’m lost in you.

ps: in case you are wondering about my valentines’ day… some unknown sent me flowers and they were waiting for me on my door step. i’m thinking it’s the anonymous guy/girl/it who texts me and yesterday i asked him/her/it for his/her/its name and no reply but i got a valentine text today again… robbie made weekend plans for dinner; sandalwood is in my bed reading me romantic poems in the hopes of getting into my pants and oh he gave me a rose dipped in gold; i’m planning to collect a bouquet; my ballet teacher came back from russia and ordered me to get myself stretched and so this evening, i got stretched thoroughly for 90 mins and i’m exhausted. i’m going to bed !

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