reflections….

shout out to god for protecting me & my kitties from really bad storm and to my kids who have been champions thru all this. since friday evening we have had no power and it was below 40f in our house (yes, we are cold & we have sniffles & we are bundled up & probably it’s warmer outside than our home) and we all piled up into our bed and i felt sorry  for myself and my kids but gathered a profound understanding and respect for nature. i had my house full of candles & it’s beautiful to look at and i had fireplace which did nothing to the cold. falling snow was positively breath taking but only if you have a warm place.

friday i was at work and tim and i were joking about the commute home as snow already started falling and sure enough in spite the fact that i left early and took train, i got home two hours later and majority of that i spent in waiting for the trains to move due to fallen trees and stuff. and also i am fucking thankful for my bmw x5 because that car is marvelous in snow…

sandalwood wanted to come back when he heard we have no power. he is traveling and is somewhere in idaho. his work (he is a vp of tech for a fortune 500 company) demands he travel. a lot.

i am thankful for his emails tho. he discusses what he is reading currently (condoleeza rice’s autobiography; apparently she gave it to him when he met her) and we are doing wall street journal cross words and i must say my understanding of american english has considerably improved as now a days i can fill in the cross word in pen !! what does that say about my intelligence ! i positively preened when i first did it and except for one i had them all filled in correctly.

i was at jack’s on sunday evening as i had to shower & do my laundry and he hurriedly invited his accountant who also goes to the same gym as apparently jon told j (jack) that he would give him a discount in fees if j invites me as well because jon has hots for me… i haven’t been to gym (where j & i workout) lately even tho it’s gonna change soon. so for j’s sake, i chatted with jon a bit but i don’t like jocks one bit; as far as i’m concern they are morons as they don’t read to save themselves and i hate people who don’t read as i like conversation and discussing things intelligently and philosophically and what do i do after sex with someone who doesn’t read ? i may have to take up smoking & i already got asthma. jon may be nice but he is into sports like playing hockey, he let that tidbit come into the conversation and i agree, i haven’t asked him about his reading habits but the way someone speaks with me is enough of an indicator. i expect people to understand me by the way i glance at them or say something without a whole preamble; i have this habit of starting a conversation with a particular person in my head and by the time i actually meet that person, my conversation is in full swing & i may just end up saying like ‘so we should do this’ or ‘we should have dinner’etc and i know, it’s really not right to expect a logical response to this from others, but well…. if you know me, you know what i’m talking about.

all the dark nights with nothing to do and i kept reflecting on piece of my life.

reflection pieces are very important to me and that’s all i do here… but i’ve spent so much time reflecting & i don’t want to do it anymore. i’m channel my eyes forward. no more lingering. no more dipping my toes back into old memory-pools. no more saying, ‘what about from this angle ?’ and then analyzing a situation until i’m down to nothing but dust and cob webs and dryer lint. 2017 was like sticking my hand into a lion’s mouth again and again and pretending that i wasn’t afraid. i did a lot of running. i know that now. but i also did a lot of growing up. also cried in a lot of beautiful places—which is such an annoying sentence.  change is never easy, and i did not—did not at all—allow myself a proper and healthy adjustment. distanced myself from world because i could not bear to see the ways; catastrophic anxieties and fears….

i’m going to work on tenderness this year. tenderness towards myself; tenderness towards my environment; tenderness towards the people who actually care for me. i will allow someone to take care of me and i will allow my grief to overwhelm me. so this year i’m going to be more tender. not let my fear of failure keep me from creating— from creating nourishing, tender pieces. from exploring different mediums. i will begin to trust my hands more—use them to make, for others. to cook, for others. i want to teach myself and allow others to teach me about myself, about themselves, of new ways to translate and understand the earth. there is so much inside of me that needs to be translated, transformed, transfigured. alchemized.

i’ve got to let go of control as well but not sure if i could. can’t control what’s already happened. can’t control loss or losing or grief or longing; i can, though. breathe. i can breathe. not consume and make another limb of my trauma. i can try to understand it and be a better, kinder person because of it. there is so much softness, so much gentle light in this world. in many ways, by the end of this year, i have become angry at that softness. at tenderness. at opening and vulnerability and anything becoming and flowing. i have lost my balance this year; some large ways because of others, in many everyday ways because of myself. but that is not who i am. this is not who i’m. i’m angry sometimes and bitter; but i’m also a child with an uneven heart. i’m trying, in this year, for more tenderness towards myself.

and the world is kind and cruel and full of poetry. i trust my heart enough to hold me & keep me warm.

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