evening thoughts

i’ve been sad for a few days now,  as sunday before last, i lost my very pretty baby girl bastet. on friday (april 6) evening when i got home, there were indications that she had been vomiting and when she saw me, she cried aloud. and i knew her heart is giving out when i touched her and her temperature was down and her paws were cold. it was a hard but i decided to let her die in my home and in my arms as i know it would be futile to run her to emergency room and subjecting her to all kinds of torture. so i sat with her and let her sleep on my chest. she finally passed away sunday morning around 3 am. and she still looked beautiful. i kept her in my arms till the rigor set in and i went to bed.

as a mother i want to keep my babies safe forever and i know life is not like that. i am glad to say, i have and will provide the best possible care for my kids knowing fully well that they will all leave me. but i count my blessings and am learning not to be greedy and let them go without being selfish and subjecting them to unnecessary torture (like taking them to vets) because i want to hang on to them .

i am silently thanking god for the thorns as well as the stars he placed in my life.

and of course, the whole of last week i moped around a bit.

now that the spring is in the air, i am attracting unwanted attention as usual. and they do get drawn to me like a moth to the flame. i mean, i am not making fun of them because they are attracted to me, but i get cheesed off royally because of their lack of romance or paying me compliments… for example, they expect me to get wooed when they say “you are stunning”, “you are amazing”, “you are beautiful”…. and usually i’m a cold bitch and i would give my standard reply “fuck you” and now a days i have this guy at the trolley station who says the above things and also if i am wearing flyers jersey (they won one game) and lost two so far (i know, i know i cry every time and it’s exhausting), he goes “ooh flyers”…. i mean, come on ! my iq isn’t in single digit to fall for that crap… and he tries to talk to me but he is as deep as a rain water puddle and he gives me migraines. i probably have to change my trolley stations and soon…

i think i may be a little too hard on some people. maybe i’ll stop. there are times to be a cold bitch and times to forgive and forget. i feel like lately i’ve been too stressed out to differentiate.

now a days i have a lot of time on my hands and i have analyzed and found that careerwise, staying where i’m is not gonna work for me long term. for one i don’t think the department would provide me with opportunities to excel and i’ve bleated myself hoarse asking for some projects, to learn something new and acquire skills and then i realized i’m wasting my time and i’m not suicidal and so i’ve started making lateral moves into a different area.  probably soon or in couple of years, i should move on to a better position. and i’ve plenty of time on my hands.

i’m also getting influenced to start thinking “out of the box” by this novel “the martian” and it is fantastique. it gives a brand new perspective about what to do or what not to do when you find yourself all alone.

and i’ve made a great friend at work and she is awesome and keeps questioning my thoughts when we meet with each other once a month and thus keeps me on my toes. we keep pushing and teaching each other to excel in our careers.

also my former boss paula wasn’t pleased when i told her i wanted to do mba as she still wants me to finish off my ph.d. and start a biologics company. but i need time for that as i’m just now getting stronger. and so for now, i shelved the mba idea to see where my lateral moves would take me.

sandalwood got me an engagement ring and i am like “dude, did you see me wearing any jewelry except for my belly button ring and occasionally a nose ring”. he said he bought it for more of a traditional reason and i was like on your knees please.  i never wore my wedding band except on my wedding day and jace never wore it as well.  and i don’t think, i will start now. or may be i will wear just that one piece and i will totally be naked. i keep telling sandalwood “please sit back and watch me fall in love with you”

i told him i may not be in love with him right this minute, but before i love him again, i will make sure i will carry the same heart as his and even though mine is broken, i will stitch them together with his kind words. he told me that we should recreate the pheromone that moths use to attract other moths. and how if we touched that chemical it would stay in our bodies for ten years. when i teared up and became small, he told me that we would go somewhere quiet and let the moths turn us into dust.

every time i visit him and if the weather is nice, we would sit on  the step of his fire escape, and he sipping his wine. across the streets through the thick of  leaves and then the cracks in the branches, you could hear music playing. some soft and sad songs. the place always felt a little too far away. one night we went inside, and the bassist was a boy who i think about often, who knows what kind of music i like. he smiled baby smiles at me while he played and i thought about magic, about coincidences, about how sometimes the most important place in the world is somewhere you dream about from a fire escape across the street.

sandalwood is back on the road and i miss him. i miss the american boy somedays as well. this irritates me to no end to find feelings lurking in my heart for him. i know it’s hard to choke and kill your feelings no matter how pissed you are with someone and i’m trying to wean myself off him. it’s a bit hard as well, because we both are on the same floor and for my part, i’ve mastered the art of avoiding him…

i guess eventually i’ll get better at goodbyes, but this time and sometimes i’m finding them in parts, in fragments, in some nights saying too much with words that spiral and others spending too much time understanding different ways to communicate. so many words tonight, beautiful little fragments of all that is before and after

what turns to stone is inside you and too often we carry these weights within us.

april

hello world ! april has arrived with aries moon and placid winter. not a lot happened since i blogged last time and also, a lot happened since i blogged last time. we had another snow blizzard the other day and this time we didn’t have a power outage but i was ready with all candles and stuff. it snowed a bit weirdly and i took off from work expecting worst but it snowed in a slow motion and by 9:30 in the a.m. that day, i was kind of wondering if i made the right decision of staying home, when it started snowing. it was fantastic to look at as it looked like as though god was printing snow on a 3d printer. it fell layer by layer, gently and softly and i was fascinated with it. i sat glued to my window and watched chugging coffee after coffee. i was like alice in winter wonderland and of course, complete with my 21 beautiful cheshire cats. the snow melted off quickly the next day.

slowly but surely books are becoming an important accessory for my outfits… instead of thinking about what blouse or top i should wear, i catch myself thinking what book should i bring with me on train as i have this habit of reading three or more books at the same time and yes, somedays i confuse myself but it’s fun this way… currently i’m reading book thief, vicious and if we were villains in case you were wondering…

i’m thinking of reading the book “the terror” by dan simmons as well as recently amc channel started airing a tv series and it may be classified under historical fiction, fantastic or horror, adventure but whatever it is shelved under, it should be a great read because it’s a story about madness, about men caught up in a mad, self absorbing, cycle of horror and fear. and the tv series is promising and i was looking at the ice logged ships and i almost got claustrophobic and mildly panicky… 😊

i stayed home since thursday as it was very slow at work and my time was better spent at home… i made plans for my garden and ordering bulbs and seeds and other essentials to transform my garden into an enchanted floral garden…. i am designing a mélange of french and english garden. and may be here, i should sing praises of doug, who runs errands for me and he is such a sweet heart and so innocent and always quotes me like insignificant amount for a project, i end up doubling his pay as he does amazing job. i referred him to jack as well and jack also ended up paying him more than doug quoted…. seriously, this kid does a fantastic job and i don’t like to under pay him or take advantage of his naïveté… any way, this garden project got me chuffed properly.

i love the smell of change in the air as the season is changing and i smell the earth and little buds of hungry green leaves are poking their itty bitty heads out… i felt sorry for the little ones as the weather seemed utterly batshit crazy and a month ago we had almost spring weather and all the little plants started hurriedly coming out when the weather turned cold and snubbed them back into the ground. and of course, weather will have to give in and make way for spring and i am eagerly waiting to bask in the magic of spring as everything becomes new and a new life begins.

friday morning there was so much fog and sandalwood and i hurriedly put our shoes on and ventured out in to the dark and mysterious labyrinthine mists of early morning fog at 5 in the morning to enjoy the bite of crisp air and we got soaked in the mists… we sat out having coffee and breakfast and it was amazing to have le petit dejuner a l’air frais and we had toast with mascarpone and i wished we had some fruit paste to go with mascaropone….

our relationship is slowly growing and we have now come to holding hands with no reason and at all times and sleeping in the same bed and spooning. i love falling asleep in his arms, molding my body into the concave hollow of his body and resting my head into the crook of his neck… he keeps whispering into my hair that he will protect me.

i think he is the purest person i know (well after my boys julien and jace). he is kind and honest and will do anything to make me feel loved because he can’t put his feelings into words. he plays his guitar and sings in silly voices and makes stupid impressions to make me laugh and i laugh so much…  i simply adore him.

the other day we were getting gas somewhere in a remotest part and there was this turtles song “happy together” came on and we started mildly dancing to it and we kissed, not passionately but rather like a hello and let our lips converse a bit.

on the domestic front, i’ve taken up making vegetable pottage as i realized that i am not eating all the veggies i should be eating and made a potful last weekend and will again this sunday. i almost killed sandalwood though as i forgot white people can’t eat hot stuff. and to be honest, i don’t eat that much of heat as my fellow indians do, because i went off that a long time ago as my lovers were not spice eaters and most indians keep telling me that india should divorce me as i don’t eat spicy stuff anymore. i also packed lunch of the same (having made a lot, i ate for days) and kept offering to people at my work forgetting the spicy nature of my pottage and thus probably would have made them ill; anyway, he couldn’t handle any spice at all so i hurriedly boiled him a potato… i kid you not !

i probably will teach him slowly to eat things of spicy nature. i started to cook again and i am happy. i am planning to slowly convert him to be vegetarian, but for now i am pampering him with gourmet food and this morning i made a rich breakfast of omelette with chicken livers and mushroom stuffing.

i started volunteering at an animal shelter and some days i go there before i go to work. my lungs feel ok for now and i recently started drenching myself in perfume to get my body used to allergens and chemicals as if to reteach my body to stop reacting. don’t know if that would work but i have to take a chance. as the weather is changing, more allergens are in the air and some days i feel as though i can drown inside my head because of the fluid.

i feel so loved these days and i am exhausted just because of this affection. my kids are healthy and enjoying the weather and i am super blissful. sandalwood and i take walks and hikes and we are planning to attend the cherry blossom festivals in april both in washington dc and in new york.

people make an effort, you know, to let me know that i’m loved…

like when my boss said to me “come here and teach me how to be nice” as she was about to talk to someone she can’t stand….. made me smile so much !

like when this coop girl who left recently and with who i bonded, secretly texted me saying we have to take a photo as we didn’t and that she would want to have a photo with me to remember the good times we shared…

like when sandalwood texts me and says he misses me five minutes after he said goodbye…

like when i walk in to my home, my kids come running to me and hug me with a biggest smile.. (i’m sure cats smile)

i know this may seem normal to some of you, but i’ve been so parched for affection for a long time and this feels like a healing rain. i feel somedays that my mind has mountains… you know, the tall unsurpassable ones with jagged cliffs and of course, i do have obstacles and things which i need to sort out. and you know what ? things start looking differently because of a small change in your life. it could be just a small event, but that causes your perspective to change. and just like that, i started looking at things differently and i’m less fearful and less anxious and became stronger. isn’t it just amazing ? and all of a sudden i wanted to live and not just exist and i love my life and it’s just so wonderful… to be alive in moments like this.

i love sharing many stories and singing along to trashy music and warmth of the car heater in comparison to chill of the winter air against my skin and the click of my heels on the pavement and hugging old friends and catching up with boy and making far too many blowjob jokes and about me being on my knees and sharing my dinner with a lovely boy i barely know and falling into people and feeling eyes on me as i swayed to the music.

i sit with my friends and sometimes strangers and i share stories and what makes them smile and what makes them tick… and  i am consistently thankful that i have these opportunities where i meet strangers from across the country, share some stories over tea and remember how many beautiful people carry sparks of passion with them & reignite ancient memories wherever they go.

my eyes shimmer with memories and tears and nostalgia… ancient hearts and tricks up my sleeves… i’m bursting !