ties that bind

i always wanted my love life to be a really grand adventure like that of my days with julien. since then it’s like “in search of lost time” and the love i find is actually very pleasant and quite restful but no grand adventure.

a recent development in my life which is kind of rippling my feelings is the american boy started going to the gym right the time when i am in the gym… i mean, i understand why tho as at that time the gym at our work is quite vacant as opposed to during lunch hour. the gym i used to visit near my house had closed down and i am in search of a gym which is really unfruitful and i am bouncing from one to another and feeling in general unmotivated. and since the closing of the gym i have not been working out which is a few months and my problems aka asthma related breathing issues, steroid related tummy and bloating issues started creeping back. and so i started going to my work gym and much to my surprise american boy started as well and tho i am pleased i am bit miffed. well can you blame me tho ? i aimed for a grand passion and excitement with him and wanted to go to pieces with him but it wasn’t so and now that i have sandalwood and i do appreciate him who understands me and wants to be with me in my quiet moments. and now here i am again and i am a bit confused with my feelings for this american boy. well que sera whatever will be and all that jazz i suppose..

in other news, last week was a busy week for me as wed, thurs, friday i took three cats to vet and after $600 later, found nothing is severely wrong with any of them and thank god for that, but i was exhausted. i get home around 6 and then take the kitties to vet around 7 pm after feeding the rest of the brood and get home around 9:30 and take a shower and get into bed. as if this is not enough, the workout i have been doing resulted in me being sore and boy, i was sore.

this sunday, i watched the movie ben-hur which is a remake and not the original ben-hur with charlton heston. while the cast looked more like middle easterners, like the jewish people in judea would have been, they wanted to make it politically correct where everyone is guilt free, etc and this honestly wanted me to go and puke my little guts out. i kept giggling at the actor who played jesus as he was quite awkward in dialogue delivery and looked quite cross. so every time he comes on the screen i was giggling at the jesus who looked cross.. 😊 but i cried my eyes out at the crucifixion or rather the journey to the cross as these scenes remind me how a thousand times i failed him and yet his mercy remains towards me and how much god loves us all and not as a whole human population but that he loved each and every person whoever lived on this planet earth. and i hastily add that jesus’ suffering and dying on the cross is not just about the physical pain and first death as many people in those times were crucified.

i made enough vegetable pottage to last me for like, three full days’ worth of meals. incredible. i spent sunday indoors as it was super muggy and hot and today surpassed sunday reading a god of small things. the boy that i’m seeing, sandalwood, texted me, saying he saw me walking through town while he was driving. i am lying curled in my bed , watching my lazy cats play and furl, play and furl in slow, slow rhythm — i thought “it’s nice to hear from him today.”

i’ve finished eating my stew a while ago but still i am so much warmer; all those spices and five cloves of garlic and turmeric will do that — fill you with a hazy hazy heat.

 

june

if a june night could talk,
it would probably boast it invented romance ~ bernard williams

bonjour a tous ! it was not so very pretty day but i got myself a bagel, a coffee and a book. weatherwise, it’s super muggy and a bit warm and on account of me being allergic to everything under the sun and including the sun, i didn’t venture out after this little trip.

i have been quite busy and occupying my time with gardening and cats as to love a cat or a flower is the most delicious form of escapism. the honeysuckles near my bedroom window started blooming and they scent my night air swirling together with gossamers of my dreams of the future and wisps and sighs of my past.

life became a blur and i am reminding myself to be still and not become a blur as well.

excuse me while i frolic in the glow of sheer happiness of my boys les warriors win the nba championship and hear me do a war cry of victory. there was a time, when i was sitting in a japanese/thai restaurant in ardmore with sandalwood on the night of game six of warriors v rockets, refusing to go home as rockets were leading 3-2 and i was so afraid that warriors may be done as they sucked for the last few games. i sat there petrified to eat even but there was a tv in the restaurant and i could clearly see the score and warriors were already lagging and my heart sank further still; but sandalwood is like i guarantee you that warriors are gonna win tonight and you must watch the game and he finally convinced me to leave the restaurant and so we packed our foods which just arrived much to the wonderment of the waitress and we raced home and yes, warriors won that game and they tied the series; and on the final game where there was 50% chance of warriors to win and again i was so terrified but sandalwood was  again supportive and told me that i should watch the game as it’s all about greatness achieved through competition and boy, was i glad to watch them win. and when they were in finals, i had no doubt that they will bulldoze cavaliers and yes and yes, my boys were brilliant and i especially loved the little facial expression of “yes” on durant’s face after he pulled the team into lead in game 3. everyone assumes that i like curry, but i actually like durant more and if i were to choose between curry and durant, i would go with durant as a romantic partner because i love strong, silent types.

in summary i don’t know about warriors but i am emotionally and physically drained but it was a glorious journey to reach the cup.

at the office i have squabbled and debated with my colleagues pete and tom as they were super fans of lebron james and i, just can’t stand him. they have this tendency to like pretty much everyone i despise. and for the record, i have no clue why i detest lebron so vehemently… i stand corrected, i think i know why; it’s because he was given a god status and i think he is so overrated and yea, that ticks me off…

i have started a gardening project after almost killing a variety of plants in the office. i would buy these little potted plants and bring them to office only to find them near dead in a couple of days (not my fault, i hastily add. it’s just that the office environment not conducive to any living organisms) and i would hurriedly bring them back home to nurse them back to health. even my cacti died. so i got a few baby spider plants from someone and now waiting for their roots to flourish so i could pot them. i brought some seeds to office and now my little seedlings are poking their itty bitty heads out of the soil and i am carefully coddling them. i really hope that they would thrive and that i could slowly transform my cubicle into a garden full of greenery and throbbing with life.

people break so easily along with their dreams and hearts. the suicides of kate spade and bourdain was awful news for me to hear. severe depression leads you to a place where pain is just too great to be awake filling you with despondency and paranoia and utter loneliness. truly it’s a hard disease to cope with not only for the person who is going through that but also to the ones in their lives.

i have made no progress what so ever on my grand plans. if i can be real with y’all for a second, the past few months have been a bit difficult of my entire fucking life second only to those right after my husband’s death. i’ve been hit with like twenty different curve balls and all at the same time, and again and again and again. i’ve realized many things like who your friends are and who i can count on, ventured out of my security zone, my family’s and my personal traumas and my oh so many allergies; i have to hold people up even when i was not able to hold myself up; but the good news is i have finally forgiven myself and come to love myself and i have wept over how precious the life is and all those lives were of my loved ones… i have wept at how we all are evolving at such a rapid & terrifying rate.

wept inconsolably when saying goodbyes to the nba games on tv and the goodbyes to my precious warriors. how i said goodbye to my best, best friend who came to visit me and, my face puffy, breaking out in hives, and cried all the way back to my home, in the mist. i have been so lonely countless times, but i have — & this is where it comes — i have never felt so tremendously proud of myself. in my entire life. there has never been a point where i felt like i am capable of anything, & i feel that now. truly, more than anything. my sense of self is so strong, and i know that this may be a momentary feeling, that i may be basking in a new-glow, a feeling of hope & opportunity like you would find in a new language, a new place, a nuevo-scape that one have yet to understand, and master but i am ready to immerse. i am ready to become. i am ready, so ready. i want to engage as intimately and meaningfully in a place, with the people that mean something to me, & i will glow, and the ones i love around me will glow, and we will be so brilliant under every single sky.