*02/23/2002 – 07/18/2018*

i have been in need to lean on a soft heart for a while now. it’s a lonely city to be sad in. trees, at least, let you be quiet and alone without anyone’s eyes on you. but there’s no mossy place for me to land on here. there’s no scent of wood chips and the soft, soft morning light in my bedroom window. i’m trying to articulate myself because i’m alone and can’t be alone right now and don’t know who to reach out to hold me, because i can’t hold myself.

everyone says that a mother loves all her kids the same way. it is not true. last wednesday i took my kitty boy, anubis, for a procedure and his little heart stopped during that procedure and it broke my heart. it was the worst feeling i ever have gone through. again. i felt that way when julien died but since then i lost my child, my husband, my dad and my mum and i never ever felt this deep sadness. i felt my heart being ripped off and i honestly think i wouldn’t be able to cope with the anxiety and the anguish. this sadness is a deep well. when i brought him home later, i went and sat at a church and had a full on conversation with god  and later i stuttered out apologies and all the ‘i love you’s while holding his lifeless body and didn’t know who i should be dedicating my words to. i was fortunate enough to have been loved by him so much as well. all my kitty babies love me, but he loved me just a pinch more. he and i had such a bond. god, i ache, i ache, i ache.

i don’t know what to do with the texts and phone calls saying ‘i’m sorry for your loss,’ and even more so i’m not okay with the fact that my vets felt awful or that they were sorry. anubis may not be a human child or i may not have given birth to him but he was blood to me. without him i wouldn’t think this world would be such a beautiful place. i am not sleeping well these days and i miss him. a lot. i wish i could hold him again and keep saying ‘i love you’ ‘i love you ‘i love you’. i don’t want to cry but my hands keep shaking. fuck the sympathy cards. fuck all of them who can’t understand what he meant to me. he was important to me and he was my baby and i lost him. i am trying so hard to stay okay. i don’t want to cry.


first of all, it’s great to be here despite the fact that i want to give up every single fucking day. i thank god and my kitties mostly and pascal obispo (french singer) for motivating me to look at life in a positive way.

i am tripping with possibilities. sitting on my bed listening to bach and listening to my kitty, buttons, telling me some soft and gentle things. i got home early today because i wanted to just rest and am waiting now for the boy to bring some take away. he texted me that he will bring something french or thai. and i was thinking it is nice to find a love one doesn’t question.  love is a funny thing. sometimes it’s exciting and passionate and sometimes it’s altogether something else. it’s more comfortable and familiar. and oh also, the other day, le boy and i went to california pizza kitchen and i was pleasantly surprised as the food was exquisite.

i was thinking about sandalwood and how he makes me feel loved in private and comfortable in silence. i always wanted a man who buys me books, and flowers for no reason and kisses me on my nose or my forehead and he does that.  and yet, i am sitting here and trying to reason with myself if i should marry him or not. i did say yes to him when he proposed but that yes came with a caveat. i told him i reserve the right to say no, and he said if needed, i could do that even while i am walking down the aisle.

i am slowly crawling towards my “wedding” even though i really shouldn’t. sandalwood lacks one fundamental thing which i am looking for, ie a man who believes in god and who would go to church with me. and he is not that. he is a wonderful person in all respects but that. and i am with him i think because i don’t want to be alone. no one wants to be alone and before you say it, he sort of told me that he would try and at least get into the church during services but it hadn’t happened yet. he still sits in his car in the parking lot. and i am waiting ?

the other day i bought this smashing gorgeous tiny little red dress for my birthday and i looked goddamned sexy in it. in spite of not caring about what others think how i look, i do secretly love it when i make someone breathless or when i catch people secretly looking at me or when cars honk at me and to my delight i started having that effect on other people again. and sandalwood said i looked stunning, but then again he always says that even when i looked like a beached whale. and i haven’t shed any of my squishy bits yet and i have a long ways to go but i am working towards it. more importantly i miss dancing. i need to be on a ballet floor as soon as possible.

i was totally fucked last week healthwise, as my lungs stopped working (epic asthma episode) and i was only able to breathe by using rescue inhaler every three hours and it was two days of sheer hell of not able to breathe, and throwing up no matter what i ate or drank, and i kept eating because i was so hungry but within few minutes i would throw up. the first day when my lungs shut down i just stayed in bed and not informed the boy but by that night, i was afraid i may either pass out or die and i needed him to know just in case, so he can take care of my kitties. he came promptly (away on work as usual) and he took care of me and cuddled me while i was weak and helpless.

he told me jokes and read me poems and we watched movies and agatha christie’s poirot (with david suchet and he is brilliant as poirot) together. sitting on my bed, he kept trying to kiss me, while i was trying to breathe and his mouth tasted a bit like metal and blood where i bit his lip. he teased me sexually and said he could make love to me if i wanted and i told him he would have to do all the work as i was too weak and that he would have to make sure that i get off and that i wanted my happy ending. he didn’t make love to me as i almost passed out with exertion, but he did give me a happy ending.  staring at the ceiling while comfortably tucked in his arms i thought the way things are.

the way i see things, he is like a summer thunderstorm, waking me up with the flashes and cracks against the clouded sky, tarrying and violent and sudden, constantly billowing in when i least expected. like when i sometimes end up in his passenger seat, holding his hand too tight on dark nights as he speeds around the bends in the road with careless ease. i am trying to be more than someone who wants comfort and pleasure; like someone who needed a chance to be wild and free.

but i am not yet in love with sandalwood and what is wrong with me ? i am deeply attracted to another person and there is something about the color of his eyes that drives me crazy. and to be fair to sandalwood, i have thoroughly walled up my feelings.

and on a side note, i have been shamelessly flirting with a couple of guys at my work (not my department) ! perhaps i am looking for that grand adventure of love or waiting for a french boy to bring me to my knees… (i have exclusively dated frenchies and married one but now i am dating an american)… yep, so there you have it… a summary of my so called love life.

i am very grateful and comfortable with sandalwood but i just want me to also be in love with him. can’t rush love i suppose.  in a few minutes, he would arrive and we would sit on my bed, eating, humidity wrapping our tanned skins and later he would be sipping wine. we sit together in a cuddle, and he will probably read “winnie the pooh” aloud as we are reading that book lately, and we both giggle… and one is never grown up enough to not read “winnie the pooh”.

on sunday we will be watching the fifa world cup with france and croatia. i am rooting for france for julien’s sake.  allez la france !

and even though i disappeared, and got used to saying goodbyes. and even though i force my lungs to keep breathing sadness, i am still not ready to talk about all the things which happened in my life, but i’m willing to listen. i keep telling myself that i hope i find exactly what i am looking for in all the places i least expect and i’m crossing my fingers that i don’t mess up.