careless whispers

i usually listen to philly power 99 while driving to work, which is hiphop and r&b… i find that most of the songs in other stations are about love which makes me vomit as i think all that romantic shit is nothing but lust and people confuse lust with love. i’m not convinced when people say i love you as that could change within a day or two. but i digress… and these hiphop songs are no different but at least they got rhythm i can dance to… but recently this station has been airing nicki minaj’s songs and boy, i can’t stand her and so i found a station which airs older songs… and they have been playing wham now a days… now i am going to date myself as when this song “careless whisper” by wham came to our country like late 80s or early 90s i think, and i was still in school (junior level) with pig tails and of course, all the girls immediately fell in love with wham and we endlessly danced to this song at every opportunity. great memories tbh ! and also i remember at that time i was doing spanish language course at a center for foreign languages as an extra-curricular activity and we had a fête and to this song, i danced with boy who thought he was a god’s gift to girls and of course, i turned up my nose and didn’t give him any time of the day…

yesterday before work i went to traffic court to contest a speeding ticket. i am no saint in this matter and i speed a lot but on this particular instance i haven’t. i was just accelerating to overcome a hilly slope and i got stopped… went to court, got off with not paying fine or getting any points…

these days of summer are purely invented with hell in mind and it’s heavily humid, with temps in 90s ! high humidity, i am sure is just fine for some creatures but when accompanied by 90 degree temps, with no air movement, it’s so brutal that a free thinking person like me can’t think anymore; i am no fan of summer and even those people who are insane enough to say they love summer are saying that they had enough of this. and what’s more i can’t breathe freely with all this heavy hazy air; and when your hair is naturally curly like mine, there’s already a fine line between “messy sexy curls with romantic promises” and “evil witch from azkaban”  and with this humidity, oh well !!

and oh, recently i got some indoor palm plants after negotiating with my cats that they wouldn’t take on the role of archaeologists and start digging in my plants. i used to bring them every year before my husband passed and they would shred them to pieces within a week and i would feel bad for my plants. so far the kids are behaving and my plants are still in one piece. so with these plants in my rooms, when i especially peep out of my bathroom window through these fronds and listening to the crickets chirping and singing happy mating songs, i keep imagining that i am somewhere down in louisiana or georgia because i would love to live there, wearing nice, flimsy, cotton frocks and big gauzy hats, sitting on a porch drinking lots of lemonades, fanning myself while sweat trickling down between my breasts, sexing and sweating just for the sheer hell of it …. 😊

but life has been great lately which is freaking me out a bit and is making me vomit. i am happy as a kitten who drank a bowl full of cream and i keep licking my chops and all… i am suspicious of all this happiness because life taught me not to trust happiness in general.. my cousin in new zealand keeps asking me to come down to visit and i still have to make my passport but i am waiting to slim down a bit more before i head over to get my passport photos.

tim went on vacation and he said by the time he comes back may be the crane boy would be finished. i told him i would update him and i keep taking photos of the crane. one day around 4:30 pm, i observed that the crane boy was delivering all the workers to the ground in a basket and i wanted to see how he gets down. so i patiently waited and then i was so amazed to learn that he actually climbs down the tower, one rung at a time and i realized that, a crane operator, not only have to be good with heights, but also he should be reasonably young and super fit because i am goddamn sure that he would be climbing up to the crane cabin, one rung at a time every day….  that day tim wasn’t in the office and i impatiently waited for monday (it was a friday) so i could tell him all about it. by this time i am convinced, tim thinks that i have happily taken leave of my senses, but he humours me all the same (i enjoy my talks with tim as he is smart and i don’t have to exert a lot of energy to make him understand me; plus we both function on the same wavelength) and then we discussed on how they build the cranes so tall and when i got home, i researched and it was beautiful to know how the cranes function. if you search on youtube, you can learn a lot.. i mean, a lot ! and also, i probably would go into a withdrawal when the construction gets completed and i have no story to imagine.

i have been religiously working out and while i see progress in inches coming off, no major movement in the weight numbers. i so far lost a measly 0.5 lbs which pisses me off but i keep reminding myself, i am losing the goddamn fat and gaining muscle which is denser so….also, i keep craving for steaks (protein) which is a good indication that my muscles are developing and as i’m a vegetarian, i won’t be eating them in a hurry and even if i do, i probably will spit it out. but i am ok because i can soon go back to dancing.. thinking may be end of september or may be october… i keep my focus on that important factor – dancing !

and this happened in gym today… there are a few people who keep looking at me (women and men) but this particular woman, i observed, keeps staring when i work out and i thought it could be because they all workout like girls, while i actually work out like a boy because jack taught me so and before he taught me, all i knew was ballet workouts and i no longer look like a ballerina with all the life which happened and so i know those workouts are not gonna cut it.  anyway, today i was getting on the treadmill to warm up and she walked by me and she went loudly “hello” which made me jump and i said hello back (i’m so goddamn polite y’all) and while she was leaving, she waved me bye and i am like, what’s going on, but i smiled (somebody slap me) and no i don’t think she is a lesbian, i think she is just weird. i attract weirdos.

i never liked to wear bras as they are awfully irritating and i usually don’t wear any unless i’m wearing something flimsy and my boobs are perky naturally and so i wear chemises or camisoles under my tops. and at work, i usually freeze my tits off and so the other day i was in the bathroom and saw that my nipples were at attention and saying hello, through the flimsy material of my shirt which i obviously didn’t realize, and i was horrified and i was wondering if i should go out and buy a bra when i remembered that i could use band aids to cover my nipples up… you see when i was younger, we used to put band-aids on our nipples during ballet dancing (that’s what we used to do in the dark ages before pasties).


these beautiful little things are fungi. my friend teased me about taking no photos of anything but just these lovely things. a week or two ago, on a sunday, i met up with some friends and we all went to valley forge and this was my first time to go there and it was so gorgeous and  beautiful. it was raining as usual but with less humidity and we all were strolling and we were transported to the times of general washington. there’s george washington chapel and it is gorgeous. i decided if and when i get married i am gonna get married there making sure i get married on a full moon day so i can have the reception in a moonlit night. confession: when i married jace, it was because everyone else wanted me to marry and because i never wanted to marry. oh, i did eventually fell in love with jace but when i married him, i had a huge respect for his kindness and his intelligence. and he knew that.

last thursday night i was going back into the city to pickup sandalwood so we can have dinner (went to a lebanese restaurant) and the traffic became one lane in the university city because of some construction so i have to move into the other lane and i was looking at the driver of this car who is in that lane and kind of asking him to allow me into get in and he told (gestured) me he would let me into that lane if i give him my phone number … lol  i drag race and so it was funny to me, and i laughed at him, as he was in a regular sized car and i was driving a bmw x 5 which is huge, i roughly inserted myself into that lane and politely waved him off. men are such weird bastards. half the time they don’t know what they want and the other half of the time, they are busy adjusting their genitalia in their pants !

told sandalwood he has eyes like pools of sweetness and could drown a girl and he just paused and kissed me. i thought how easy it was for him, that with his hands on my waist and just turn me on with a fiery lust. and i think this beautiful boy knows exactly how to turn me on with that sexual desire. when this man with blue or green in his eyes, smiles at me, i bleed a bit more into the cracks of my life. and i close my eyes, lying naked next to him, feeling less beautiful and more like a goddess, and with my heart beating to the rhythm of his warm caresses..

ps: i keep grieving for anubis and i am thinking this is how david grieved for his son absalom whom he loved dearly and i, still love my little kitty boy !


my life in a circle…


for the past few days it has been humid and no relief in sight and it also rained a bit. past weekend was very nice with a couple of nice days… i gardened while my kids frolicked in the lawn.

and a rant: a couple of days ago, i was going downstairs to pick up the pizza (don’t ask) for the office with another girl and we were both in a fitness challenge and i was telling her how i keep putting on weight because of my asthma (steroids = lipogenic, lipocentric + hunger) and this one woman in the elevator was like and also when one becomes middle aged. she is overweight, probably from eating all the goddamn pizza in the world and even though i was polite and nodded, this co-op girl and i both looked at each and once she left the elevator, i was like “bitch, did i fucking ask you ?” and we both giggled.

i have become really restless and there is no joy currently because i haven’t been dancing and i am putting in a healthy amount of time at the gym and while i feel my inches coming off, my scale isn’t budging. i am just hoping i would continue to work out without any major pauses due to unwelcomed asthma episodes. i keep bleating to sandalwood about my weight, and he keeps saying, even tho you are overweight, you are cute with a sexy smile and that some people may have good figure, they are ugly. and while this is true, it doesn’t help. and of course, even when i was thin as a rake, i never wanted to be with someone who just wanted me for my looks and sandalwood, i thank god, is a lovely person who appreciates me for who i’m and that he isn’t a shallow person and i really would like to look good for him.

also, me putting in time at my work gym is the key i think as usually to go to gym near my house, i am dependent on my idiot friend jack, who disappears for days and i get lazy; if not that it would be some other goddamn reason; and also did i mention that the gym which was closer to my home closed down which majorly fucked me up. so, i am thinking i would try and put in time at my work and then put in extra work at a gym. but i am thinking of going salsa dancing… let’s see what my future days bring.

the other day jack and i had dinner and i kept telling him, “touch me, touch me” because now a days my arms are like rocks and yes there is still fat in them and i have miles to go but at least i am on a properly motivated road. and at this point, i must share my appreciation for my colleague eric, the silent one. he is so ripped and when i walk behind him, i keep admiring his muscles, if you know what i mean. my boy, sandalwood, isn’t ripped. he is well endowed, but he doesn’t work out that much.

here is a story which tim from my work and i share. from our windows we can see a construction site with a crane perched on top and i have been observing this crane for every day like almost a year now and it’s fascinating to watch the crane operation. i feel close to the “crane boy” and i keep updating tim about his activities. the other day we both stood in our conference room and watched the crane boy work a bit and i was telling tim that i am in a long distance relationship with crane boy and he said, you will be broken-hearted once the crane is gone. i told him, broken heart is part of life. i wanted to take a photo of my crane today, but i forgot. may be monday.

every day when i get home, my kittyboy, minnu, always jump into my arms or keep following me telling me “mum pick me up, pick me up” and he wants me to pick him up so he can hug me and coo in my ears and it’s cute to watch his efforts trying to get to my neck to snuggle by jumping from table to table; but here is the thing. usually by the time i get home, my bladder is full and i am like “i need to pee, i need to pee” and i usually end up picking him up and bring him with me to the toilet.

last sunday, sandalwood and i went to museum… i am not sure if i ever mentioned or not, but he has nice chiseled looks with greenish/blue eyes which mesmerize (see the gratuitous photo i posted).  honestly tho, in this photo he actually looks adultish because of his little stubble and when he shaves it off, he looks like a child. when i look into his eyes, i feel like a little fish and that i am swimming in them… 😊  i told him one time, when we went to movies, shouldn’t that be one adult, one child (when he was purchasing two adult tickets) and he said without pausing, i think it should be one adult and one senior citizen… bastard ! but my age or weight doesn’t bother me a bit, as i look young and unless i divulge it, no one can even guess. and of course, i fuck like a bunny. but still yes, i am trying to shed extra-fat as i would like to start dancing again. plus i think i have to meet his family at some point this year #sidelook.

it’s summer and i’m letting my hair grow long and i’ve learned to shout secrets at the stars while spending my nights snuggling with sandalwood, our t-shirts soaked with sweat, and catching myself in the mirror and thinking, i’m looking a bit taller and older; tired and itching and trying to escape into the sun, to feeling the burn of sunrays against my skin and i just feel furious, and fragile and free.