allegory of the cave

whisper something beautiful to me. i’ve always wanted my life explained like a scientific paper published in nature with five figures. nature doesn’t allow more than 5 figures. so it would have been quite helpful if my life can be explained like that and with conclusions and what future direction i should go.

i’m a little wounded now. it sucks you know. one would think that as you grow older one would know how to manage feelings and a broken heart. i have gone round the world in a circle and ended up at square 1. do you ever get that malaise where you just feel utterly lonely ? i’m always alone, but i don’t often feel lonely. being alone is not necessarily a bad thing; it’s like when you visit a museum and you see something profound. i often feel that. everyone around me is moving, bustling, giggling and here i’m caught up in something; like all of a sudden everything is calm and there i have it. the moment of clarity in all that chaos which is otherwise my life. my life can best be explained by plato’s allegory of the cave, because i often feel like i’m trapped in my own life.  being physically and emotionally alone is something i’ve gotten used to it after julien’s and jace’s passing and i even started feeling good about being alone. listening to music, while running around in my underwear, keeping my head down, and smiling at strangers… odd feeling and different but good.

life is cruel. and the darkness in me isn’t seen, it’s only felt. i carry it like my shadow and it became invisible. but it takes a form when i remember. when autumn boy had that conversation with me, what i pushed into shadows came out. all the darkness which i push down, deep down in my heart, got loose and it came out. nostalgia… it’s delicate and potent. it breaks me and cripples me. nostalgia means the pain from an old wound. it’s a twinge in my heart far more powerful than memory alone. a feeling of a time, i ache deeply to go again.

but this may be a good thing because, i think i somehow eased into something with autumn boy, like a boundary was crossed and at least standing on the same level. maybe. or maybe i broke in to him or broke the wall which i put up. i’m still wary because he is a sorcerer and he spins his silvery web. like a spider he knits a spell and his magic. my darling, my darling, my blue-eyed boy… you made july sorrow-filled and lovely, and you made october lonely and you made every month in between beautiful hell.

but i keep thinking about being sincere and honest with myself. and the solution became clear, like the things the color blue brings to life. melancholia brings beautiful poetry out of me; for fuck sake, i literally glow… my dreams keep asking me “how did you survive”.. i answer hesitatingly “i’m able to pickout patterns one can’t detect” but i wish i didn’t survive.

i have been having lengthy conversations with sandalwood for the past few days. i wasn’t that keen on marriage in the first place because he is awfully younger than i’m and i think, he would be better off without me. he doesn’t see it that way (#facepalm) and while i enjoy his company deeply (and the sex is great), i halted the wedding plans for now. and yesterday we both went for a car ride in the evening… did i tell you, i like to speed ? but yesterday for the first time, i drove on pa turnpike. first time because i hate turnpikes. no life and no activity. i love driving on country roads. you don’t know what you get. a pothole or a deer or squirrel resting on the middle of the road. i get to drive through small towns and villages, and farmlands and simple life.

while driving, a-ha’s “take on me” came on the radio, and i was already doing 80 mph, and when this song came on, i floored the accelerator, screaming the song at the top of my lungs into the night air, while dancing in my seat and sandalwood laughing and saying that i have lost it.

autumn paints in colors, summer could get jealous of. the sunset was spread over in the evening sky, making the clouds blush and bloom into beautiful roses.

we hiked till it’s a bit dark and was getting cold; we both wanted to have sex, but then we realized my cell phone’s battery is almost gone, because the charger in my car wasn’t charging, his was on ½ life and we have no clue where we were and when it’s dark everything looks the same and we were in the middle of nowhere. here i should tell you a funny time. julien and i were at a ski resort in utah, he wanted to ski and i tried to learn and after having bum black and blue, i gave up. So one day we drove to yellow stone national park and we camped there and we were happily having sex in the back of our suv, when a bear came through the front and julien (naked and all) jumped out and trying to drag me out and i was frantically looking for my pants and not moving; he was so upset and he kept yelling the bear doesn’t care about me being naked… i finally found my pants and pulled them on but by that time, the bear got bored and left.

work is cool as usual. my boss gave me good news and i’m chuffed about it. i stayed home today to work on a few projects. my boss gets paranoid when i take off as she thinks that i may leave and now a days even tim started on it. when i informed him i won’t be in, he is like you are coming in the tomorrow right ? i told him that he is getting paranoid as well. i like conversations with him because he is genuine. and humble. he is good for my intellect and to keep me laughing. his humor is subtle. he thinks his humor is dry and i explained to him that his humor is subtle, like ‘frasier’ (tv show) or like britcoms and only people with more than two neurons would get that sense of humor.  for that matter both my boss and tim make me laugh. a lot.

i have been away from gym and i can see myself getting bloated what with the steroids. now i have to go back and be studious about it.

last sunday my colleague from work and i went to watch patriots game at this sports bar. and here’s the thing. i actually called them up to ask if they are airing and the said yes. so we go there to find out, no audio or no closed captions and we talked to the manager, the hostess, the waiters and no dice. the bar is airing eagles game (philadelphia) on every other tvs with audio on the bar speakers and closed captions. i can’t fathom their logic and we both left and i wrote a nasty review on yelp. i’m usually nice even when people are evil, but yea, not this time. the cherry on this pie was eagles lost (and in a most bizarre and unbelievable way) while patriots won.

i went out this evening to get gas and this song came on “if you like pina colada” and for a change, i was actually paying attention to the lyrics because i usually tune out songs i don’t like and let my brain make up stories in general. i’m not sure, but i think this song is about adultery. and in the song, the couple who tried to commit adultery is not actually acknowledging it. i was like that can’t be right, is it ?

my cat, winter is quite a conversationalist when the mood strikes him. he is now in my bed, talking away. he is one of those cats, who actually answers to your questions and i have been racking my brain to figure out how best i could explain plato’s allegory of the cave to him as i think that’s how my life has been going and he is a good listener and he would also help me in his own way to figure things out, so i bid you all good night and will now go and have this philosophical discussion with him.

hollow echoes…

unbelievable how fast the time goes. it feels like october just made an appearance, like yesterday, and here we are almost at the end of this month.

this week was a bit hard, you guys, in spite of all my favorite teams won and i’m afraid i’ve forgotten again how to be happy. i know sadness, i know fear, i know longing and anxiety and despair. i am always trying to be content but you know happiness is a choice and well, everything is heavy now. i’m weighed down and i can do nothing.

living is just not enough – one must have kittens, books and flowers; i was always trying to fill in gaps and wide open spaces left behind by all those people i loved before and i kept drifting in between what it means to find the one person that can mean everything, sweep me off my feet in a rush of falling in love too soon and getting caught in the net of potential.

we all have stories and sometimes we can’t face the truth and we are not honest.

what i am trying to say is, i forgotten to be sincere with myself. i thought that it’s tangible and raw, picked from the sleeve where i carry my emotions on, but i’m not sure.

i have remainders and reminders from my story; figurative paper cuts, dog-eared memory holders, a little smudge of tears. my story is clumsily written and sometimes it’s difficult; sometimes a handful of pills and a glass all empty; sometimes a razor and thin red lines on my inner thighs. my words stumble and slip but there are still details in my breaths and syllables. even though my thoughts are inconsistent, my head is not concise, and my sense is irregular, i try my best to make my words genuine. after all, a true story isn’t told; it’s felt.

i need to keep grounded, even when my head is in the clouds. i have to stay honest with myself. i need to remain humbled. i keep fighting and all through my life, i keep hearing myself telling me, that i’m not “deserving” or “valuable.”

if you listen closely enough, you can hear when a life breaks. it’s 8776 days since julien passed away. it’s 1618 days since jace passed. everyone thinks that it’s the initial pain that hurts the most when someone dies.

they’re wrong.

it’s the missing that leaves your teeth aching, the trembling fingertips when all you want is to press the call button on your phone, the time when you realize that there are things they will never live through. it’s sitting across the dinner table and saying “there’s nothing more that i want than what is impossible to become possible again.” it’s the 14th of every month. it’s the 23rd of every month. it’s those moments where you just need to share when you see a cute kitty photo or what to do when you’re angry at something or someone. it’s that never ending desire to talk to them every day. trying to remember what my last conversation was and what i should have said instead.

but the hardest thing, the most painful, is that the sadness will never go away; it will only subside and fade. and living with constant sadness hurts more than anything else.

but you know what ? i sing anyway.

it’s up to me to make memorable moments so i can lean on. life is not measured in number of breaths i take, but in moments which take my breath away.

to the ‘autumn-boy’

he kept explaining to me cleverly & cunningly that he knows “autumn” as a name for girls but never “octopus”. i stood there explaining that he was mistaken that i ever said that, while completely floored at his cleverness & slyness in inserting hidden messages into an impromptu conversation and then proceeding to tell me things which i try and hide. if i were to do something like that i probably would have drafted out a conversation, rehearsed it in front of a mirror and would have made awkward attempts to direct the other person to my scripted conversation and then failing miserably.

but here is the thing. as brilliant as his conversational masterpiece was, what good is that to me ? what the fuck do i do with that piece of information ? i guessed as much that i didn’t quite managed to hide my feelings and then there was that time, when he turned around and ran away from me screaming when he thought i’m about to confess.

every time i am around the autumn boy, i keep falling in love with him and i keep wanting to stay and linger, just a little bit longer. i keep telling myself that i have a secret that nobody knows. it starts in my heart and consumes me as a whole. i store it deep down and i always find myself in two minds wanting to spill and not wanting to share. and praying that one-day i might feel whole. it makes me sigh softly, groan silently and makes my eyes sparkle with tears. it eats away at all my feelings, until i become numb and cold as a steel. layers of frost on my heart, feeling lost and feeling old. if he ever knows my secret i would want him to know that i love him still and that i will watch him from afar and with care. and i’ll send my kisses through the sweet air.

my moments with you are bittersweet. they keep me happy, making me think of what we could have, and making me crazy with all of my delusional wishes. thinking that you’re flirting when you really only asking me simple questions. it’s all so difficult, but what to do ? you make me feel like i have missed out something important. i know we can never be and i’ve forbidden myself to fall for you. but still, i’m terrified that when i’m married, with a man who truly loves me, that i’ll still be thinking of you. wondering about endless what-ifs. what if i had the courage to say how i feel ? what if you have the courage to acknowledge me and risk asking me out. what if we go through endless things together, giggling all the way. i want to feel your hands on my waist & my body against yours. how long should i wait ? i used to think that you were shallow, and flash and i would never date you or marry you because twenty minutes into our dinner date, i would probably slap you silly. but now i am thinking, maybe you can learn to understand me. maybe you are just as lost as i’m and wanted me to know you through all that haze and flash. i don’t let people grow close to me.  i would let you in but i don’t trust you that you would handle me with care. i was broken in a million pieces and i carefully glued and stitched myself together. i’m hard to get to know, as i bury myself deep under many layers. but i’m thinking i could be wrong about you. you should know i love you always.

there’s more to tell but that’s how it always goes with you, there’s always more to say, you’ll always listen (or read) and so will i. i would want you to write me a poem and bring me flowers and i still haven’t erased you from the top half of my list of “maybe-s”, and “when you wish upon a star”, but i might be getting there, maybe. we’re never walking in the same direction, but maybe we can wish for the same like we hint at wanting.

my darling, life was so much better when i didn’t give a fuck about you.

i still love you anyway.

(oct. 10, 2018)

autumn

fall

last blog i kind of started off talking about changing my eating habits again but got distracted by browns tying-up the game (american football).

to start off, i lost another 0.5 lbs so after almost three months of working out i lost a total of 1 lb… yay ?!? also i not only made the gym board last month (for the month of august) but i actually topped it and i was goddamn pleased with it but alas this month my name is nowhere to be seen as i put in no time in september.

as i kept bleating over and over, asthma took (and is still taking) a toll on my health and weight management; also lack of motivation due to wanting to give up on life for a while also didn’t help (confession: i still want to give up but i don’t see a way out yet as my kitties will be orphans); and i finally gotten enlightenment where i realized that i can die a little every day and be miserable or just try and make changes and start dancing again and to get back into ballet and look like old self again, i changed my mindset and making all kinds of changes and giving my old funny self a chance to come out and be a dancer. working out is a good thing if you already don’t know it. it’s good because, endorphins. it makes you feel great about yourself and keeps you happy. working out is a good stress reliever because one is not allowed to kill that annoying coworker or a family member. i know it’s not easy as i made myself into a whale, but i am determined to dance, whale or not… getting fit (i am not talking about becoming thin) is not easy as my body learnt to become lazy and gotten into severe bad eating habits; again, i stress that one could be a vegetarian but still have bad eating habits… i started setting myself goals with very small changes.

i started eating at least one avocado religiously everyday because i want to work towards becoming a vegan and i usually rely on eggs for omega 3s and 6s fatty acids and avocados are a good substitute.

currently my nutritional intake is roughly about 85% carb, 10% protein and 5% fat and i need to adjust my ratios to somewhere like 68% carb, 18% protein and 14% fat which is easier said than done and aaaaaaaaaargh !

also i’m finding myself doing a big pot of meals with flesh for the “if it doesn’t have meat in it, i won’t eat it” member of my household aka sandalwood and a small pot of completely plant based meals for myself and this gotta change as it’s bad enough i’ve to debone, deskin and defat, roast chickens for my kitty babies and now i’ve cook as well with flesh and frankly, bleh ! yesterday when i was shopping for some meat, i found a butterflied lamb and i picked it up with the tips of my fingers and was carrying it at arms length while looking for a plastic bag to put it in, when a guy at the grocery store helped me with that, commenting that my hands looked full (i was carrying the lamb thing in one hand and my car keys in the other) – i always have adventures at the store. one time i was trying to get a bottle of lemon juice which was on the top shelf and towards back and i’m a tiny person. after standing on my toe tips, and stretching and almost climbing the grocery store shelf, i finally got hold of a bottle and for a second i was pleased with myself on this victory only to find that the bottle i blindly grabbed at was wrong type of lemon juice and i loudly went “fucking hell” and turned around and almost ran into this guy who was behind me and he coolly went “do you want me to grab your bottle” and he did.

finally my boys patriots are warming up and winning games – still ways to go to win the super bowl but patience is a virtue – these sports are not good for my blood pressure; as i keep grinding my teeth, screaming and pulling my hair.. but watching sports is fun 😊

on work front, things are great as usual. tim recently lost his sister and i felt very sorry for him. he is one of those strong silent types, who hide their feelings. i tried my best to console him. and oh, at my work, there is a jewish person (whom i haven’t met) in another city and one day we were exchanging work related emails, and i wished him happy rosh hashanah (as it was that time) and he was pleasantly surprised and since then we have been sharing our faith. i am strictly “if you ask me i’ll share my faith” person and this is giving me an opportunity to share. i asked eric, the silent one, to teach me deadlifts at gym and oh well, since my last conversation, he was too busy with work and couldn’t get into gym. my gym time is also a bit less what with work (apparently i have to work as i need to get paid) and the whole farce with brett kavanaugh hearings. there are a few people at work who told me that they like chatting with me and one day this boy came up to talk to me and after he left, my colleague is like you were flirting with that boy. it’s a possibility as i am a big flirt and i do it without even thinking, but this boy is a child and as much as i date men who are far younger than i am, i don’t think i would date anyone who isn’t yet 30

september is done (why is time in such a hurry ?) – i embraced september’s dark and dreary and watched it’s beautiful decline into decay and nature preparing for it’s winter sleep. october came with a flourish and with remnants of august summer. i am terrified of my own happiness. i have been retracing steps and examining how things were going, and more importantly fixing what was broken. it rained hard last night, showers a little today, all courtesy of a storm who is making an appearance in my neighborhood, but the still cool temps helped me through a medium-long run of couple of miles.  it was a pretty sight, running through the mists in the dusk lights of the neighborhood. as a general rule, i don’t go running as i want to protect my knees but yesterday i couldn’t hit the gym and my body wants pain and this phase feels right, and looking like all the pain and sweat of these weeks is gonna pay off.

the best things of life are not things, but moments. somedays are just wonderful and i just want to tie them up into a little bouquet. i’m trying to create beautiful moments with my babies. every sunday i throw open my front door and my kids run around in the lawn while i try and straighten out the house. there’s a big difference between being centered and being self-centered.if you live your life as if everything is about you… you will be left with just that. just you. magic is inside you and it is all around. it’s in the twinkling wink of the stars and in the whispers of the wind in the trees; and it’s in the seductive scents of the flowers; and in my heart when it skips a beat every time i see american boy; it’s in the warm embrace of my kitties and it’s in the spark when sandalwood and i kiss. and all i need to do is pull off the darkness that shrouds my view and call up the magic which is buried deep inside me…