november

shout out to my nipples which tell me when it’s cold out. today the weather changed and we got sleet and slush and there was three inches of snow. it snowed/sleeted all day long and it was supposed to rain by the time we got out of work. but when i walked out, it was still sleeting and i was slipping and sliding and even when i was on dry ground, i almost slipped and this lil old woman was telling me, “i almost slipped three or four times and i am old so i am slipping” and i said, “i don’t think it makes any difference whether one is old or young when it comes to slipping”. so my troubles with commute were not done as i made way into an ocean of people on the subway platform and someone came on the overhead speakers and said someone fell on the tracks and we all groaned. and then there came another train and we all got into that one, the train car crammed to the gills with people, and we were all in our winter coats and the train was blowing warm air and i wanted to remove my coat, but there was no space to even move. through the speakers, the conductor was telling us “they are trying to clean the tracks” and everyone in the car went “eww” as just before his announcement, i informed my fellow passengers that some bastard jumped on the tracks and i am sorry that someone thought of committing suicide in this way, but i just want to go home to my babies. [recently i had to make a harsh decision to put another kid down because his heart failed him. he is/was my baby orange and such a sweet and a quiet gentlecat. love you sweetheart ! (3/23/2003-11/9/2018)]

after what seemed like ages, the american boy finally returned from his travels and while my raging feelings calmed the fuck down a bit due to my asthma flares and other stuff, it was good to hear him talking very excitedly about absolutely nothing (other than his talks on sports). also a day or two ago, i went to give him his mail and he is like did you read this and i said, no, should i; so he went, well there are some articles, to which i replied, give that back to me when you are done and he just smiled coyly and i got the gist of it – i walked away telling him that his smile speaks volumes (he doesn’t read the journals obviously, as his smile made it apparent) i am a very intellectual & philosophical person, and i’m incapable of talking about small things like weather and so my conversations quickly turn into either a teaching moment for the other person or a very grounded philosophical discussion. so i enjoy these moments listening to someone getting excited about common things and talking about absolutely mundane shit because it’s like cleansing my brain palate or flossing my brain.

recently this bitch at work completely pissed me off and i usually don’t get angry that easily but there i was goddamn furious. there is a snake in our department whom i loathe and detest; she is the very evil, and spreads negativity and has really dark sense of humor and her nasally voice grates on my nerves and i’m sure she got no friends and not sure how she can live like that and while i feel compelled to feel christian sympathy towards her, i am no christ and she fucking makes me vomit just by existing; and it’s not just me but she even rubs my boss the wrong way and a couple of other people. but my boss, puts up with this person and i am like why ? if i were in her shoes, i would fire that person without even bothering to look back. but i am learning from my boss and i decided, i will play this goddamn game as i have an iq of 173 and i’m convinced this voldemort has an iq in single digits as it’s made apparent in her foolishness to cross my path. anyway, i will update you once i squished her into the ground. my friend brian giggles because i keep making snarky comments on this person.

contrast to this experience, there are young girl co-ops in my department which lift up my spirits (mustn’t forget tim here who sends snarky humorous responses to my emails because you gotta have humor in life because if not, it’s not worth living and tim’s sense of humor makes me giggle) and i think unwittingly i became their mum at work. i love these girls as they are smart and full of dreams and i am thankful to god for the opportunity to have a small consolation and a chance to teach and pass on my “motherly” wisdom to these girls.  they are very quiet and passive and i’m teaching them to be vocal and be confident. one of the girls and i are planning to may be go into real estate investing as we both found out through one of our many conversations, that we have much in common in terms of dreams. we probably start working on them sometime next year.

i also started ‘straightening’ the others in my company and some men who think they can override me just because they are men. i mean they are respectful to me but dismiss me quickly for whatever reason. for example, they check with me something and i usually answer if i know or i will get back to them once i do some research and find out and i observed that they would go to tim to verify and once i was right there and i put that person in place in front of tim and told him off very politely. i may be a girl/woman but i don’t bend that easily. i will stare people down and started stripping off their chauvinism gently but firmly.

i have been driven to insanity with people’s limited vocabulary. and to my dismay, i’m also picking up this bad habit. the use of the word “like” in conversations and as a gap filler is the recent said insanity driver; this morning i was riding the elevator up and down, for many reasons and the people around me were using this word to no end and i wanted to scream stop. my impatience may also be something to do wit my asthma flare today. i ran to catch my trolley and i almost passed out. this after taking 4 puffs of my inhaler. either my inhaler is not actuating medication or it’s not effective.

i keep seeing this woman during my commute and she wears the same dress every day.  and no it’s not a uniform. and she wears slippers.  i’m still trying to figure out if i should ask her if she has any warm clothes/shoes as i want to buy some for her, but i think i must wait a bit more to make sure she is not poor as i am thinking she may be. there’s another woman who does the same as well, but again, i must wait.

i have been thinking of getting contacts as i keep seeing this boy on my transit who reads on the train and he wears this nice smile and though he has glasses, i think he has both sorts of vision so it works for him to wear glasses all the time. but i have reading glasses and so i am thinking of getting contacts, so i can read books and smile into my books and also show off my sexy black eyes :p but someone told me there may not be contacts just for reading…. curses !

i love reading and love learning history because sometimes you learn little things that’s not widely known just like how beethoven’s für elise (for elise) was actually made for one of his students named therese and he was in love with her. she was a mediocre piano player so he made a melody so easy that even she could play it and impress people and hence the very iconic tune in the beginning, but then he finds out that she was engaged to a different man and so beethoven basically made the other parts so that she can never play it and if that’s not petty culture then idk what is.

my boys patriots lost last game and warriors (basketball) lost couple of games in a row and tonight warriors are playing against rockets (last year they almost lost to rockets and as i write this, they are getting thumped by rockets – yikes). i was explaining to my friend tom that the reason why i like tom brady (patriots qb) is because he gets angry when he loses without getting angry at his team mates or the rival team, but he gets angry at himself for not being good enough and i identify with him. i still don’t think he is sexy.

oh a boy who asked me out a while ago, texted me recently and said “i am 30 now and i would like to take you out for dinner”. i did tell him to get back to me once he is 30 because he was around 28 when he asked me out. so initially i told him sunday night, thinking that patriots are playing in the afternoon and when i found out that the game was at 4 pm or later than that, i told him i will not be able to go as i have to watch a game and he apparently is also for philadelphia teams and he said negative things about my boys and so i made him wait another week and then when i actually went to have dinner with him, i wore my patriots hoodie… and we went to this spanish / catalan restaurant and while the restaurant was full of people and no room to move, and it was noisy (god, americans are loud) but the food was divine.

november is almost over. the winds have turned icy and the last of the leaves are dropping off of the trees. god is painting the evening skies with november’s grays and blues and burnt ambers and into beautiful arrangement of clouds and pastel colors. i’m in awe and lost in the luxurious deconstruction of nature. who knew, that there is so much beauty in the destruction of nature.

it’s late and we lie in beds miles apart. but my thoughts are still with you and i think about loving you. “love is a verb. love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions.” don’t base your relationship around feelings. feelings come and go like the wind. love is a choice. as you develop the relationship and nurture it through loving them, you will be rewarded with the feelings of love. basically- i want you to know that you have a choice as to whether or not you’re a slave to your emotions. decide to take control and respond accordingly to values, instead of circumstances. one day i wake up and realize i’m completely and utterly happy, blissful even, and i know that this feeling derives from my significant other. feelings are what give color to life and experiences and i should not shut them out completely. i scan through my memories and i think its okay to express my emotions if it shows that i am living and caring; as socrates had advised: know thyself, pursue everything in moderation.

also, happy birthday jace… i love you and i’m getting closer to forgive you.

waiting to exhale

today felt a lot like being roughed up in a flight turbulence and getting assaulted on all the senses. like the sky swallowed me whole and brought me back to ages past when my heart was still there. i’m not sure what all this means. but maybe sometimes it’s better to remain uncertain. sometimes i look up at the night sky and all its twinkling bright stars and remember that i’m really just a speck in the universe.  and we all have that in common. and that somewhere, someone is feeling lost too and wondering which direction to head next.

do you remember the time when you read a piece from proust’s “remembrance of things past” ? “…one of those mornings, early in november, when in paris, if we stay indoors, being so near and yet prevented from witnessing the transformation scene of autumn, which is drawing so rapidly to a close without our assistance, we feel a regret for the fallen leaves that becomes a fever, and may even keep us awake at night.”

it’s autumn. it’s november. it’s getting to the time of the year when i love the most; when i loved you the most; the times with you; the time when we would sit outside in the cold for hours, with bare feet but snuggling in blankets, feeling warm and clutching each other; telling each other secrets and giggling softly into the night air. if you were here, i would tell you things that i had always been too afraid to form the words to say; that i’m so unhappy since you have been gone; that there were times when i wanted to cut shapes into my arms and that i feel so juvenile and stupid most of the time. i remember that there wasn’t a sound in the world but that of your breath by my left ear as we sat, speech abandoned for something greater.

i want to cry because i always feel so vulnerable and weak now a days. i want to cry because i’ve never been so hurt in my life, i want to cry because i didn’t deserve to have to fight these battles, and i didn’t deserve to have any battles at all, i want to cry because i would have floated through life unscathed, always smiling with you; i want to cry because there was nothing i wouldn’t do to hold you one more time and i would squeeze you so tightly that neither of us could breathe; even though, everything was so silent and cold, we were so warm and so in love.

and now? after all these years later, in the same temperatures, same clothing, whispering like an inpatient with a ghost in my closet; still in bare feet and still cold and clutching, this time at myself in these blankets.

i’ve been holding my breath for such a long time and my hands clenched into fists, too scared to breathe deeply and too scared to exhale. but i think, there are some better days ahead of me, ahead of us (i mustn’t forget my cats, must i ?) i think we can ease up and move ahead without this feeling of doom in my heart. i still feel sad though and i think i may breakdown and sob inconsolably when that time actually comes. but this time, i know you won’t be there to gather me into your chest.

the other day, sandalwood and i were aimlessly driving around, looking at the fallscape and leaves changing colors and then suddenly i came across a house which looked like that which we (julien & i) used to dream of. at least from outside it looks like that. i am thinking of checking it out, because as luck would have it it’s for sale. i’m excited and i want to see if i can buy it. if i do, i may have to replant the garden i started as a memory for jace, but i think this is the place, i want to settle in. i’m slowly coming to a place where i can exhale and unclench my fists. slowly and cautiously, i don’t feel doomed at all. i’ve even started to dream again softly and slowly. i’m making plans in spite of my own objections and i’m pulling myself ahead kicking and screaming because i don’t want to venture out. i feel a little wilted, a little faded because my youthful dreams have been stolen. i would blame someone if i could. this evening i came home and over dinner, talked to my cats about the plans i have for us; these plans don’t involve anyone else at all. at least for now. it’s just god, my cats and me. i’ve been waiting so long to exhale and even though i see the moment on the horizon, it’s not here yet. and i am getting restless and impatient. but may be tomorrow, or in a month, or two ! soon, soon, i’ll exhale….