waiting to exhale

today felt a lot like being roughed up in a flight turbulence and getting assaulted on all the senses. like the sky swallowed me whole and brought me back to ages past when my heart was still there. i’m not sure what all this means. but maybe sometimes it’s better to remain uncertain. sometimes i look up at the night sky and all its twinkling bright stars and remember that i’m really just a speck in the universe.  and we all have that in common. and that somewhere, someone is feeling lost too and wondering which direction to head next.

do you remember the time when you read a piece from proust’s “remembrance of things past” ? “…one of those mornings, early in november, when in paris, if we stay indoors, being so near and yet prevented from witnessing the transformation scene of autumn, which is drawing so rapidly to a close without our assistance, we feel a regret for the fallen leaves that becomes a fever, and may even keep us awake at night.”

it’s autumn. it’s november. it’s getting to the time of the year when i love the most; when i loved you the most; the times with you; the time when we would sit outside in the cold for hours, with bare feet but snuggling in blankets, feeling warm and clutching each other; telling each other secrets and giggling softly into the night air. if you were here, i would tell you things that i had always been too afraid to form the words to say; that i’m so unhappy since you have been gone; that there were times when i wanted to cut shapes into my arms and that i feel so juvenile and stupid most of the time. i remember that there wasn’t a sound in the world but that of your breath by my left ear as we sat, speech abandoned for something greater.

i want to cry because i always feel so vulnerable and weak now a days. i want to cry because i’ve never been so hurt in my life, i want to cry because i didn’t deserve to have to fight these battles, and i didn’t deserve to have any battles at all, i want to cry because i would have floated through life unscathed, always smiling with you; i want to cry because there was nothing i wouldn’t do to hold you one more time and i would squeeze you so tightly that neither of us could breathe; even though, everything was so silent and cold, we were so warm and so in love.

and now? after all these years later, in the same temperatures, same clothing, whispering like an inpatient with a ghost in my closet; still in bare feet and still cold and clutching, this time at myself in these blankets.

i’ve been holding my breath for such a long time and my hands clenched into fists, too scared to breathe deeply and too scared to exhale. but i think, there are some better days ahead of me, ahead of us (i mustn’t forget my cats, must i ?) i think we can ease up and move ahead without this feeling of doom in my heart. i still feel sad though and i think i may breakdown and sob inconsolably when that time actually comes. but this time, i know you won’t be there to gather me into your chest.

the other day, sandalwood and i were aimlessly driving around, looking at the fallscape and leaves changing colors and then suddenly i came across a house which looked like that which we (julien & i) used to dream of. at least from outside it looks like that. i am thinking of checking it out, because as luck would have it it’s for sale. i’m excited and i want to see if i can buy it. if i do, i may have to replant the garden i started as a memory for jace, but i think this is the place, i want to settle in. i’m slowly coming to a place where i can exhale and unclench my fists. slowly and cautiously, i don’t feel doomed at all. i’ve even started to dream again softly and slowly. i’m making plans in spite of my own objections and i’m pulling myself ahead kicking and screaming because i don’t want to venture out. i feel a little wilted, a little faded because my youthful dreams have been stolen. i would blame someone if i could. this evening i came home and over dinner, talked to my cats about the plans i have for us; these plans don’t involve anyone else at all. at least for now. it’s just god, my cats and me. i’ve been waiting so long to exhale and even though i see the moment on the horizon, it’s not here yet. and i am getting restless and impatient. but may be tomorrow, or in a month, or two ! soon, soon, i’ll exhale….

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