for you a thousand times over…

december 12, 2018

my relationship with american boy is in full swing i.e., in my dreams. i have been dreaming a series of episodes since my last post, in fact, the very night i posted, i had dreamt of him and being in relationship with him. when i woke up the next day, i smiled and giggled out loud at the absurdity, but that day, i actually was deliriously happy; like a high you get when you take drugs. but as it happens with drugs, i eventually crashed down to reality. it made me a bit sad but i wasn’t sure what i should do. but then, again, i had another dream and i picked it up from where my first dream left off and continued on. so in summary, i now have a fullfledged relationship with him and we have two girls and one or two boys in our very “normal” family where i was wearing indian dresses and acting like a “girl”. the second time it happened, i was like “ew brain, it’s fucked up and let’s not do that again”, but my brain continued to dream. so now i am on fifth of episode of my “relationship” and i can’t wait to find out what happens in season finale. i had considered a relationship with him but in spite of my deep feelings for him and my friends encouraging me to “get him” i am not sure if we are a good match and i suspect i may end up dumping him in a few days. our differences, to name a few, are very apparent. i am family oriented, and my kids are my priority and i think, he loves parties and travels and while i do love traveling, one sniffle from my kids, i would drop everything and stay back. our travel destinations will be quite different as well. i would probably end up in the amazonian jungles and climbing through incan and mayan ruins, and traversing through egyptian pyramids, cursing at every step of the way and gasping for air and hating the insects, heat and humidity, but i know i would love that experience and i would be the first person to buy a ticket to moon or mars, and i will have a full blown anxiety attack during my trip to moon but i will sit there eating restoril pills to calm the fuck down.  but for now, these dreams of mine are a nice distraction, as i halted my love life for now unable to fully commit to sandalwood. and i am thoroughly enjoying these dreams of mine, while being careful not to bleed my dreams into reality and shock the fuck out of the american boy by saying something totally inappropriate for the work environment. i guess spending time with him would be like…

to see a world in a grain of sand,
and heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour.
~ william blake

hello there december ! the month of snow, lights and feasts and warmth ! december arrived with warmth but then turned gloomy, blue and transparent. it was icy cold, and my asthma was exasperated. all i want to do is rest and rest and jut sit about doing nothing but read and relax.  after going through a lot of misery, got myself an asthma specialist and he started testing me for allergies and lo and behold, i am allergic to all the 48 allergens in his panel. those ranged from cats (yes), dogs, rabbits, pheasants, dust, pollen, grass, egg shells and some other stuff…. interesting, i thought, that i am still alive ! well, as long as i don’t develop allergy to oxygen i should be good i am thinking. who knows, it’s too soon to speculate as i have a few more years left in me.

for you a thousand times over…. i started rereading “the kite runner” as i am missing my home town. but i was traumatized the first time i read it. i completely immerse myself in the books i read and i almost become a part of that book. so i remember vividly when i read that book, i was lying on my belly on my bed, with pillow tucked under my boobs and the book spread on the mattress, my hands under my chin, smiling into the book, and roaming the afghan hills and streets with these two friends, eating imaginary dried mulberries, flying imaginary kites and reliving my halcyon days when i did that as a child – especially flying kites in tournament. the preparation which went into the kite strings. we collected glass shards and cacti for glue and made a pulp of ground glass and cacti and applying it on the string, so it’s sharp and we can cut the other kids’ kites. and so i was reading on, frowning at the bullies and all of a sudden i felt as though someone punched me hard in my stomach, making me totally breathless, when i read that the boy got raped. i was stunned, and tears welled up uncontrollably and i sobbed into my pillow as though i lost someone i loved. i closed the book and walked away and didn’t resume reading it for about a few weeks.

and at another time, i was watching this really passive movie. there was no particular storyline and it might as well be a regular life event. i remember, i was lying across my bed, with my legs resting against the wall and it was a sunday, and it was raining and i just did some stretching exercises on my bed and i had no particular interest in the movie, and the movie was just pleasant with no excitement – oh it’s called “a japanese story”, an australian film, and i was actually mildly enjoying it; like one would while going through some farmland in a car, not stopping, but just enjoying the scenery. and then, fuck ! the boy in the movie dies just like that and i was totally stunned and it left a bad taste in my mouth. i didn’t cry but i was just stunned. it brought out nightmares and the ghosts of my life. same deal with the movie “the bridge to terabithia”.

i mean these are also memories i suppose which i wouldn’t forget in a hurry but i am sure i can live without them.

wordless wednesdays…  it’s been a handful of quiet blissful days, pressing emotions into the lines of my palm to remember to share with you later. no matter how much sleep i get, i can’t seem to wake up in the morning, and my heart’s weird lately, & all of my bones crack whenever i move… so being the intelligent person that i’m, i’ve decided i’ve arthritis & probably i’m dying soon 🙂

i have mapped out a smart future for myself and my kitties… and i am working way too hard, physically and emotionally draining myself. all of this feels so big, so on the goddamn cusp, so right on the edge of this uncomfortable place i have returned to, surrounded by people i’ve no common threads with, but for you & me, our knots that tether us are tied in different places; my love stems from collecting & creating, so this is me stumbling blindly into this winter, this silent preparation for what is to come when i show up at your door & i’m once again giving myself to something that i once felt terrifying but now provides a comfort, a gentle murmur in the silences between us, here we go, here we go, here we go.