metamorphosis

hi there all you wonderful souls !

i am morphing through my life like a chrysalis and there are changes everywhere as far as i could see.

i finally gotten used to my train rides. the transit time wasn’t that much of difference than the old days, but because of the way the other train seems to rattle, it felt like my new travel time is kind of slow and i felt (and somedays i do feel) every minute of my 50 minute or an hour commute and by the end of ,my journey (either going to work or back from work), my bum is completely numb, my legs and body stiff, and bladder completely full. but now a days i am used to these and i don’t feel those aches and pains.

praise be to heavens, my book reading has gone up considerably having finished four books in a span of a month. confession: i’m not reading book books, i am reading the downloaded pdf formatted ebooks on my ipad and i’m ashamed to admit this, but i’m taking the easy way out and preferring books to reading on ipad on account of lack of enough room to hold a book and this is true as the trains’ seats are not conducive for book reading even though i have seen some passengers carrying books (sheepish look). i am currently reading margaret atwood’s handmaid’s tale, another book i wanted to read forever and never found time.

as you all probably have recognized by this time, i have a thing for galaxies, space and other such nature related things and i have finally read the book “the alchemist – paulo coelho”

the year i wanted to read was the year i lost julien, and so the book was set aside. so when i finally finished this book last week, i was kind of stunned in a happy way as this boy in the book could be me. it’s by far my favorite book to ever exist; its a lovely story about a boy who travels from spain to egypt looking for the treasure he dreamed about multiple times. the boy meets many people on his quest to the desert including a gypsy, a merchant, the love of his life and an alchemist.

while reading this book and this boy’s journey, i remembered the time when julien and i tried to go climbing a mountain in kansas. in case you are not aware of it, kansas is a plain. my love for hiking was nurtured by julien and he used to climb alps and other mountains on account he was born filthy rich and his parents did all these holidays in glamorous places. so he when he was down in kansas visiting me, he chatted with some natives and they told him about this mountain we could go climb and so come sunday morning, he ifitted me and himself with gloves, hat, big jacket and hiking boots and we bundled into a car and we went a distance and we started trekking. french are polite and so he was silent and not asking about this mountain, as we can’t see any and we were both looking over the horizon, but nothing… so we kind of went up a bit of a hill and then we finally asked our guide where this mountain could be, and he was like you are standing on it !! and we bursted out laughing as this was not even a hill, it’s like a anthill..

anyway, back to the alchemist. this book is a great book if you ever find yourself stuck at a cross road and you need answers about love and life… i mean, what other questions does one have about life ? there are many teachings and lessons across his journey and i was completely transported in his journey and yes i find myself as i often do, at a cross road and it’s a nice understanding for me to know that no matter it’s good or bad, the treasure will be worth it especially when you find it where you least expect it.

may be it struck a chord as i am trying to figure out if i should give myself a chance at happiness with the american boy, not knowing if it could lead somewhere or if i would get terribly bored and chuck him aside. (i have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to boys and i don’t want to rob him of a good relationship if he is in one). but as the king in the book tells this boy, “when you really want something to happen, the whole universe will conspire so that your wish comes true”…. so don’t know, but i’m wishing this would happen that i’ll have a fling or a relationship with ze american boy, and let the magic begin 🙂

the house which i really wanted to buy was found to have a big problem, and so i discarded that and am looking for another one. and alas, the place where i live now, doesn’t seem to have my particular kind of house for the price i want to spend. and again i really wish i could read what my boy really thinks of me, for example, that he is bonkers over me or he detests me, because i would love to share my house with the american boy (in the list of my priorities, he is now at fourth position – god, my cats, me, and then american boy). and so if he likes me, i would buy a house keeping him in mind… but i have till june to suss him out i guess. and oh, in my kitchen, i have his passport photo. i forgot that i had his photo as when i first joined the company i took it home to scan and i completely forgot and the other day i was clearing out my so called wallet (it’s falling apart) and out it fell and now i stuck it next to my coffee pot. well, bon jour, mon ami !

anyway, i have been driving around on the weekends looking at houses with my specs and so far i haven’t fallen in love with any. but i know i will find my dreamy little cottage where i can have french garden and flowers with nectar to have a little butterfly garden and birds.

plans for this year also include, buying a bmw x6… i am dreaming of a bmw, as both my boy cars are older and they are still running, but i would love a new car (or buy a reasonably older year and modify for drag racing)

i was thinking about this french canadian i dated once – jean-pierre drove in formula one and he was like a millionaire (investment banker). he used to make fun of me saying that he only did highschool and he was a millionaire and i have all these degrees and tha i’m not. i told him that money is easy to make if you have like two neurons but all the people who make money, may not be entirely happy and they don’t enjoy life… i don’t spend a lot of time thinking about making money, but importantly i’m content and i enjoy my life. i told him to go fuck himself when he asked me to be his wife, but just stay home and be a wife. i don’t fit that bill but true, somedays i do feel that i should have taken him up on his offer.

i’ll be rich – that is not a big problem as i have more than two neurons plus no distractions of a family and oodles of time to use my brains. i just went through a rough road, but i’m in final stages of smoothing my way, and probably it would take me another year to start playing with money. i can’t do that just now as i have kids and i don’t have enough spare money to play with, in case i need it for their emergency vet bills.

but then again, i don’t want to be super rich at the expense of my enjoyment or my happiness. i want to have enough to take care of my bills and emergencies and then the rest would be for sport. and then, i look at people around me with monies but not happy. and they teach me things and i learn very studiously. my boss keeps asking, how can you stand me, even when i can’t stand myself ? the answer is very simple and alas, i could never say this to her directly. i feel sorry for my boss. she is extremely intelligent, hard working, very fair and very rich. i admire her immensely, but she is one of the unhappiest people i’ve met. i think sometimes riches do that to you. somehow all that money can’t give you contentment or happiness. i understand her misery but i can’t help her as happiness is something which should come from within you. and so i try and make her work life a bit easy by doing my job and am hoping to help her be content and happy.

i think it’s very important to live a life of content and bliss. happiness is never a constant because it’s relative and there are things which could make you immensely sad but if you are content, happiness becomes a hue of you and makes you glow.

my boys patriots have come to their final leg of the race and to get that superbowl. recently in the news, there was a daft kid who won a science fair by doing a silly little experiment and thus proving “tom brady cheated”. i try and not insult kids as they are still learning and their minds are sill blank. what i would like to do is first find the science fair judges and give them a whooping and then find the guy who generously gave me a copy of that article (at work) but didn’t have enough balls to admit that he did.

what he forgot was or he didn’t know was, that i am a scientist. we are arrogant and we know how to make you feel small because we know science. the kid’s experiment is totally invalid as he experiments with footballs which weighed different lbs, like 5 lbs, 6 lbs, etc. but there is an physics law known as “ideal gas law”. where it says that if the volume is constant, the air pressure drops with temp fluctuations and the mass changes are insignificant as the air weighs nothing and this whole experiment was an exercising in irritating me and trying to distract patriots from winning the superbowl. but tom brady and patriots got this !

in the end, after all the dust has settled from a trying ordeal and the universe finally gives you some signs that begin to reveal things you didn’t know but in hindsight you see the writing on the wall and what you’ve found.

anyway, whether you are the american boy or tom brady… hear this, for i shall say this only once…

“once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen”

see you soon !

love and light 😘

patriots !!

patriots

i lost ten years of my life watching last night’s game and i was cowering in a corner, pulling my hair and biting my nails and my whole body was a tight ball of stress… the funny thing was i knew patriots are gonna win from way back when, but man it was intense !! but as brady so succintly put it (and follows it up by proving it) “i love winning” and they are the best for now !

homage to my boys & respect to the most passionate, dedicated, honorable, & hardest working group of men i’ve ever seen. the integrity, love and passion these guys share for the game will echo throughout their legacy… much respect to the g.o.a.t ! much respect to pat maholmes (chiefs’ qb) but he is still young and he will be another brady & g.o.a.t in progress !!

one more fucking superbowl and here we come !!

allons-y patriots !! you got this !!

disappear…… !!

it’s a beautiful misty grey sunday….. foggy grey view from my bedroom window;  even when blanketed by grey fogg, my sleepy little neighborhood looks beautiful – completely enveloped in a misty fog, spellbinding and mysterious and just makes me shiver. i usually get caught every morning and every evening, but alas, no time to stop and take photos as i’m rushing to work or coming back…..

it was a heavenly bliss y’all  ! took photos while sipping coffee, with no pants on (hence couldn’t run out) and with my faithful sidekick, minnu….

looks quite dreamy before the sun came up and the blues of the twilight – mr. sun couldn’t completely drive away the fog…. oh those are my two cars (not the white lexus)

1/20/2019

my yesterdays & my paper moon

so life is going smoothly and then there was a wee little wrinkle… my landlord texted me saying that the township needs to do a little inspection and aargh, i royally freaked out as i have a baker’s dozen cats and i lied to my landlord. but i don’t have a choice and so with a false bravado i told him they can do the inspection (last) friday and that i should be home. i was counting on the fact that when some stranger comes into the house, they will all disappear into thin air as if a magician has waved a wand. the inspection lady came in and she literally did a five minute inspection, flitting about from one room to another, with comments like, did you just move in ? (darn, there goes my plan of not unpacking till i move again) and oh, that’s a lot of cats (on account, all my cats, were resting comfortably on my bed when she got into my room)… oh well, oops.

weather turned colder and i almost died today.  i have this habit of washing my hair every morning because a couple of my cats, sleep on my head and i don’t want to smell like cats..  so now a days when i start walking up to the platform my hair jingles (having turned into icicles). i probably have to go buy a blow dryer or settle for pneumonia. this morning was especially hard on me as yours truly, got a wee bit sick yesterday (freezing my head didn’t help) and didn’t sleep well and i was groggy and moved about in slow motion. on top of it i haven’t taken my inhaler. my lungs are still open but frigid air is the trigger for my asthma and so when i got out of my car in the parking lot, my lungs closed quickly, and i had like 5 mins to catch my train and so i kind of moved fast and not giving myself enough room to breathe deeply and of course, it was useless anyway as the frigid air already shut off my lungs  and the path to the platform is a bit steep and so when i finally reached the pinnacle, i was completely out of oxygen and lack of oxygen triggered panic attack and so i almost passed out and panicked simultaneously and blindly reached into my purse for my rescue inhaler which i couldn’t find. and after deciding i am not gonna die this way, i talked myself to stop panicking and started taking slow deep breaths and finally got a little bit of oxygen back into my lungs and made my way onto the platform just in time as the train pulled into the station (it was late by 5 mins). lessons learned today: buy a fucking blow dryer; get out of the house early so i have enough time to catch the train; always carry rescue inhaler in my jacket pocket;

before i forget, my boys patriots, have won (super yay) and they are heading to kansas city to battle the chiefs this sunday and it is going to be a glorious battle, but i believe in my boys and that they will win. in small print, if chiefs win, i would still be ok as the qb maholmes is impressive as well and if anyone deserves to beat patriots, it would be him.

i giggle whenever i see women wearing high heels and then walk as though they are constipated. i was chatting with one of the coop girls and one of my colleagues passed us by and of course she was walking awkwardly and i was giggling uncontrollably. the purpose of wearing high heels is to walk seductively while swishing your derrier (or hips) and not look constipated… man, i wear boots as it’s been a while since i discarded high heels for comfort and i walk more seductively than some of these women. i promised the coop, that i would start dressing up like a “girl” as it’s not that i don’t want to dress up, its just that i don’t have anyone to impress as i consider most of the people at work “not worth impressing” as they are not up to my level or standard whether in intelligence or looks (i was super gorgeous before my asthma) and don’t get me wrong, i look like a beached whale now but i still command attention. and of course, one shouldn’t give importance to looks, but if one has looks and intelligence, with a great personality – hang on to that person 🙂

spring is around the corner and this new found breathing ability is giving me hopes of getting back into dancing; also my living room is kind of like a dance studio and this weekend i blasted latin music and danced salsa…  and my legs are still hurting and i think it’s because of one of the side effects of prednisone.

today i had a very interesting conversation with one of my colleagues, tyler… a while ago, i remember having a cake while saying good bye to him and i thought he left but i saw him recently and then again today in the kitchen. i started talking to him, as the scientist in me has oodles of questions and i asked him if he came back and if he didn’t like the other job. and then he informed me that he took time off to hike appalachian mountain range and my mouth fell open and i had immense respect. you should have seen me… i swear my eyes got bigger, rounder and started glowing like a 100 watt bulb…  if you don’t know what appalachians are, you should. i hiked appalachian as a day trip for years and once when my husband & i were on the top of the range, the whole sky was pregnant with thunderstorm promising clouds and i swear, i would have touched them if i just lifted my hands… but i got royally freaked out and with jace still protesting, i hastily got back into our car. jace wanted to have camping on the top of the mountains with our kids, and alas, it never happened as we lost our son.

anyway, tyler explained that he did the whole appalachian range, from maine to georgia and i was further impressed and also i was pinch envious of him. he was explaining to me how he hiked two to four days straight and then he would get back down into a town to replenish food and also to shower and rest. goddamn ! i added this to my bucket list. i wonder if i would ever accomplish all the things i have on my list, but i will try my best. well anyway, he promised me he will show me his photos once he gets a chance to arrange them into a book.

even though, i’m surrounded by shadows that are darker than death, and even though the fact that the constellations have begun to fade in my world, they are of little importance, i’m fighting to keep my own star lit. just so i can finally shine my way back into the light, and follow my star shine to that place where i’ve always wanted to be because somewhere deep inside my bones i know it would feel just like home, sweet home.

life may not be a box of chocolates. but it’s definitely a delicious array of many tempting selections and we have little choice and no fucking clue what’s waiting in the direction we are headed; sometimes exquisite happiness and sometimes dead-ends and disappointments. and you, my dear, are definitely a chocolate, the new one i picked and the new way i am headed, attempting to leave my past and wanting to indulge in new things… like you. i will keep my chin up and walk into this (our ?) adventure not knowing if you join me, or i will get knocked down; if i get knocked down, i will pick myself up and off the ground as i did in extreme heartaches and embrace my life despite my mistakes, and i will endeavor to keep positive thoughts in my mind and a happy song in my heart….

1/15/2019

so far this january….

it’s been a handful of days since i moved into my new place. i haven’t unpacked yet. i probably won’t. my kids and i are still getting used to the new place. the first few days at the new place i tried recover from all the driving i did and the side effects of prednisone; when i was still taking prednisone, i literally felt the fat depositing on my tummy and my face and i was worried for a second but my newly acquired ability to breathe fully into my lungs won out; and oh my god, i was so hungry all the time… but once i finished the course, my fat deposits started to come off and my hunger diminished but then again, new set of problems crept in because prednisone acts by lowering the immune system responses; so my body hurts (and hurting), i feel a bit fatigued… but i am sure these will go away soonish…

i kept all the lights on in the house as it’s a new place and i don’t want my kids to slip and break their legs; also i haven’t quite figured out how to keep enough light so it’s not completely dark on account, i am not comfortable in total darkness.

my kids are happy and my plants are happy – already some of their leaves are budding. i have many lavender plants in makeshift pots – i have to find them suitable places and so far i spent my weekends sleeping or trying to familiarize myself with the shopping centre in my area.

i love the current neighborhood.  my original thought of buying a house somewhere near my old house is no longer firm and i may want to check out this area and if i find a house i fall in love with, i probably will stay here. all the shopping i need and usually care for is within few mins of my house and they are all near to each other and i am super happy like a kitty with a bowl full of cream. for example, the petsmart (where i buy kitty supplies) is right next to a super market where i buy things like paper towels and my starbucks french roast coffee !! i buy the beans and grind them for my morning coffee ritual !

when i get up in the morning, i make a bee line to the kitchen to start my coffee and while it’s brewing, i feed my kids while inhaling the sweet aroma of the same and i then pour my first cup of coffee. my french roast is the decadent pleasure of epic proportions that fits into a cup which i keep nestled between my hands, and i dream while i’m still awake and of visions that have me plotting a second cup of french roast goodness because another cup of this delectable delight is most definitely needed.

during the weekend (esp during winter time), i sit transfixed in front of a fire that entertains me with warm dancing flames, while my mind wanders and plots the biggest cup of coffee ever, and nostalgia of such past days wrap me up in in the warmest kind of embrace until i swear that i’m drinking a cup of pure magic. sigh. and it’s this delicious thought that makes me smile all the way.

but i digress  – in summary, i am surprised that i am happy with this little area where there is so much open space, open skies and i am pretty sure it will be filled with greenery come spring. can’t fucking wait ! and oh the other day when i was going to work, i saw a deer crossing the road and it made me smile.

my morning commute has been bit difficult but i am coming to terms with it…. the very first day i was to return to work this year, i was late as i couldn’t find parking for my car and when i finally parked, the train came into the station and i had to turn and get in my car and drove to work while informing my boss that i missed the train. there’s construction, apparently, since two years, and so there is this circuitous route one needs to take to get to the platform to get on the train and while i secretly am happy because i am burning some much needed calories with these everyday hikes to the platform, but while i’m actually hiking, i curse left and right.

there are many many people who travel into the city with me and i am not pleased as i would like to have the entire train to myself. but as i don’t own the train, i settled to just observe the people and i right away found out one glaringly obvious thing. everyone dresses up in the same way like stepford wives – professionally that is, with black slacks, and dressy tops and black or brown shoes and here i am, almost hobo chic… also my boss is trying to make me a well dressed girl but i am a tomboy and dresses and i don’t go well; my mother tried it before – having said that i probably would become one of the stepford people as i don’t like to stand out.

i am enjoying my train rides as within a few minutes into the travel, the sun comes up and i smile brightly – i read on my ride and i have finished the book “a thousand splendid suns” and i was angry when this brute of a husband was beating up on his wife and i couldn’t wait get back to my book when the protagonist found out that the love of her life wasn’t actually dead ! i was impatient all that day at work and when i was on the platform to catch my train i eagerly and greedily got back to my book. that book was a hard read for me as i am a card carrying feminist and any form of domestic abuse is not okay with me and i just can’t understand how women (and some men) put up with such stuff. i started rereading the book “perfume – the story of a murderer” by patrick suskind as i recently watched a series with the same name which mentions this book.

the other day my train was late and i was sitting on a bench surrounded by a sea of people and there was this elderly gentleman sitting next to me and started chatting with me: gave me tips on how to polish vinyl and plastic and how not to get dust on your leather shoes; and at this point, my train was running late and so the announcer came on the overhead speakers and was telling the same and then another train came in which goes to trenton and the announcer was painfully telling everyone that this particular train is express to trenton and not to thorndale (my train); the elderly gentleman told me, that there will be people who would get on the trenton express and then they would have to trek all the way back to city to get on the train to thorndale because in spite of the announcer repeating the message many times, people would be stupid enough to get on the wrong train; we both giggled loudly and all the other people standing around looked at us suspiciously.

this weekend is very important as my boys patriots are playing and i am not overly concerned as i know they will win.

a colleague and i went out to eat a bit and chat and during the conversation i told her that i like someone but as he has a girlfriend i am waiting for such a time he is single. she immediately asked if he is some one from work and though i almost got caught, i masked my answer with something else.

i try to stop time, whenever i am busy dreaming about you. the times when our eyes lock, and the times when i talk to you – trivialities – but precious. looped memories i play over and over again.  i lose myself within a world full of so little words and lots of feelings; waiting, may be for a moment when you take a chance on us and decide to see what may exist between your heart and mine. may be waiting for you to take that leap of faith and see what you might find and hopefully like; i’m sitting next to you in my mind, and discussing things – that life is all about living and taking chances when they appear; and discussing things like love which are often too fragile at the beginning and wondering if our love would continue to grow; and i continue to store all memories in a bottomless box; and may be hoping to revisit them in my (our) old age and relive !

but here we are – each of us lost in thoughts as we silently weigh the odds of us

et bonne année 2019

2019/01/01

i have decided i’m going to be happy and started my life afresh, afresh, afresh.

self-appreciation. this is the one thing i always have hard time to learn. it is just too much. appreciating myself, of all things ? who would even do that ? but here i’m, smiling at my little achievements. appreciating my beauty nobody seems to notice. i have myself. i love myself. self-appreciation, checked.

last year has been weird and good for me, but thank the fuck, it’s finished. like alice, in wonderland, i ate a magical potion and shot up to the stars. it was full of hard lessons but good ones. so many things i have learned.  but i have finally arrived, not a final destination, but within reach. i learnt, that i must make a detour.

i’m in transition literally and figuratively speaking; and praise be to heavens for the discovery of prednisone. i finally gave in and took a course of them, as i was desperate to breathe. it was important as my breathing got harder and i need my lungs to function so i can pack up and move. i moved to a temporary rental before i could buy my dream house.

the rental house is a huge mansion which is a must for my platoon. but it came with almost everything which i don’t want in a house; it’s in a housing association complex; a row house; no garage; people everywhere; no fucking yard; if i open my front door, i’m literally in my neighbors lap; too fucking far from my work; again no fucking garage; but guys, i’m biting my tongue so goddamn hard as i deserve this punishment for not acting quickly when i should have.

a little background: i have been restless for a while; since my husband’s passing in 2014; i have been tormented and tortured and i think i may have (had) ptsd; i was frozen in time, unable to breathe, unable to move, unsure of myself; but time waits for no one. while i met some nice and generous people, they can hardly live my life for me.

and once the initial shock wore off, i realized that my life is a huge fucking mess and i had no active involvement leading up till this point in my life. i wiggled, i fought, i tried, i ran, to get out of this immensely fucked up situation i was in, and to make matters worse, i realized that not all who are in my life, family, or friends, needn’t necessarily be in my corner and in fact they were in my way. the more i tried to untangle myself, the tighter the tangles became and almost choking me to death.

fear made me numb and paralyzed for a while there. and my asthma started getting worse last october onwards and i took that as sign of things to come. i decided i need to move and when the opportunity presented itself, i decided i’m gonna move and start afresh. but the house i wanted to buy got delayed for some fucking reasons and i found myself homeless and i need to rent a place and well that was a fucking feat in itself as i hate lying under any circumstances and after pleading my case of 17 cats to a few landlords, i gave up and decided i will lie and so i’m here in my huge mansion with 17 kids and lying my tail off and said i only have four cats. at any given point, anyone who visits my house sees only three or four kids. one year, my parents stayed with me for a whole of three months and they only saw three cats and wouldn’t believe me when i said i have 20 cats.

i only have four carriers, and one of them is a very small one and so i had to make three trips. it was roughly 50 min ride (each way) to my new house and so i put in six hours just for the trips. i put two kitties in each carrier and transported six cats each trip. and i snuck in my kitties in the cloak of darkness and man i was a nervous wreck and i explained my feat of transporting cats to my friend barbara and we were laughing our heads off which is quite weird but satisfying.

my kids cooperated and were quiet when i moved them in, which was awesome. their faces played a symphony of emotions when i let them out of the carriers: satisfaction, triumph, smugness, consternation, confusion, realization, disbelief, horror. they all immediately found themselves hiding places which was hard to do as i only have six pieces of furniture. but hide they did and camouflaged themselves.

of all of my cats, cheeti, is a very shy kid and i had since 2002 (rescue) and even now, it’s her terms when i can or can’t pet her. she comes to me when she needs petting. when i tried to catch her, i inadvertently traumatized her again, but what can i do, i can’t leave her there by herself. i put her in the same carrier with a boy cat she adores. when i got her home, i felt bad for her and made another two hour trip back and forth, this time to get her the stuffed winnie the pooh bear. my husband bought me a lot of stuffed animals and this one is a largest of all, almost life size, and cheeti took a liking to this one and she sleeps on this bear.

my sleeping arrangements is another matter. i discarded the old mattresses and in an insane moment (i swear i wasn’t thinking straight) bought myself an “air mattress”. i’m not sure what made me do this because i have cats and they have claws. so here i have this mattress and i blew it up and then my cats jumped on, and now i have holes in the mattress which i tried to seal it up, but it keeps losing the air. so the first two days, was like this. i would blow up the mattress and go to bed on it and i would wake up in about three hours, in a puddle of air which resembles something like a hammock and not very comfortable; at times i even blew it up at 3 am or so and now i completely gave up on it and am sleeping on the floor on some blankets and left the air mattress to my cats which they all love and why not as it’s soft and fluffy. few very loyal cats decided they will sleep on the floor with their momma. and oh i did order a “normal” mattress but that gets delivered in a week or so.

i have put most of my stuff in a storage but i have brought my plants and my books and they are all downstairs and may stay there where i left them till i move again in six months. couple of boys helped me move out of my old place and into this new place. i really am thankful to doug who was always helping me and i would miss him at this new place. when they came to deliver my furniture, they pulled up to the back of the house so it’s easier but his pickup got stuck in the mud as it rained the day before. so a neighbor, john, helped them out of the ditch and now the kids are like, “that’s a husband material right there” and doug is like, you should bar-b-que and invite john. i told them that they can date him if they want as i’m quite capable of taking care of myself. what do i need a man for ? i have cats, books, and music, i have toys (and sandalwood) for sex, and i have this dreamy (literally and figuratively) relationship with american boy. so i’m good for a while !

i love this area in spite of it being so fucking far away from my place of work (drivingwise). but at night i can see the stars and there are no lights as it’s farm land and i’m fishing out my binoculars to stare into heavens and be mesmerized by the constellations. at my old place, my husband and i used to drive out of the city to look at the stars. but here, i can just open my curtains and look out at the sky. maybe i will also buy a telescope.

i started reading the splendour of a thousand suns (khaled hosseini). watched a few movies which are really different i thought; cloud atlas, bird box, perfume, the lobster, to name a few.

melodies and lullabies fill my ears each night. the night skies now a days are rarely starry but when they do, i look at them in awe and i wonder, if you’re looking at them too. if you think about me at all. i hold no expectations but the thought of you seems comforting and thus i wish upon the stars, for me to have happiness in various forms, like for example, you. it’s been ages since i saw you but patience, i tell myself, i will see you tomorrow.

full of beginnings, and sometimes it takes a while to adjust to the surroundings. this is how i feel, like there are too many chances and too much forgiveness, and when it fades i’ll realize, it’s no different with how things end.

i’m so thankful for the little blessings which came my way. there are ups and downs, sure, but life is all about choosing something and then sticking to it as much as one can, even if finding out most of them are bad choices. but i learn and that’s the beauty of it. and you learn just like i did. the days which were idle, i turned them into something worthwhile, no matter what.

new year doesn’t mean new universal laws. but i wish your 2019 be filled with hope, peace, and grace. hopefully, you will find your fulfillment in jesus, your purpose in helping others, your success in kindness, your mindset in generosity.

to a new adventure !