et bonne année 2019


i have decided i’m going to be happy and started my life afresh, afresh, afresh.

self-appreciation. this is the one thing i always have hard time to learn. it is just too much. appreciating myself, of all things ? who would even do that ? but here i’m, smiling at my little achievements. appreciating my beauty nobody seems to notice. i have myself. i love myself. self-appreciation, checked.

last year has been weird and good for me, but thank the fuck, it’s finished. like alice, in wonderland, i ate a magical potion and shot up to the stars. it was full of hard lessons but good ones. so many things i have learned.  but i have finally arrived, not a final destination, but within reach. i learnt, that i must make a detour.

i’m in transition literally and figuratively speaking; and praise be to heavens for the discovery of prednisone. i finally gave in and took a course of them, as i was desperate to breathe. it was important as my breathing got harder and i need my lungs to function so i can pack up and move. i moved to a temporary rental before i could buy my dream house.

the rental house is a huge mansion which is a must for my platoon. but it came with almost everything which i don’t want in a house; it’s in a housing association complex; a row house; no garage; people everywhere; no fucking yard; if i open my front door, i’m literally in my neighbors lap; too fucking far from my work; again no fucking garage; but guys, i’m biting my tongue so goddamn hard as i deserve this punishment for not acting quickly when i should have.

a little background: i have been restless for a while; since my husband’s passing in 2014; i have been tormented and tortured and i think i may have (had) ptsd; i was frozen in time, unable to breathe, unable to move, unsure of myself; but time waits for no one. while i met some nice and generous people, they can hardly live my life for me.

and once the initial shock wore off, i realized that my life is a huge fucking mess and i had no active involvement leading up till this point in my life. i wiggled, i fought, i tried, i ran, to get out of this immensely fucked up situation i was in, and to make matters worse, i realized that not all who are in my life, family, or friends, needn’t necessarily be in my corner and in fact they were in my way. the more i tried to untangle myself, the tighter the tangles became and almost choking me to death.

fear made me numb and paralyzed for a while there. and my asthma started getting worse last october onwards and i took that as sign of things to come. i decided i need to move and when the opportunity presented itself, i decided i’m gonna move and start afresh. but the house i wanted to buy got delayed for some fucking reasons and i found myself homeless and i need to rent a place and well that was a fucking feat in itself as i hate lying under any circumstances and after pleading my case of 17 cats to a few landlords, i gave up and decided i will lie and so i’m here in my huge mansion with 17 kids and lying my tail off and said i only have four cats. at any given point, anyone who visits my house sees only three or four kids. one year, my parents stayed with me for a whole of three months and they only saw three cats and wouldn’t believe me when i said i have 20 cats.

i only have four carriers, and one of them is a very small one and so i had to make three trips. it was roughly 50 min ride (each way) to my new house and so i put in six hours just for the trips. i put two kitties in each carrier and transported six cats each trip. and i snuck in my kitties in the cloak of darkness and man i was a nervous wreck and i explained my feat of transporting cats to my friend barbara and we were laughing our heads off which is quite weird but satisfying.

my kids cooperated and were quiet when i moved them in, which was awesome. their faces played a symphony of emotions when i let them out of the carriers: satisfaction, triumph, smugness, consternation, confusion, realization, disbelief, horror. they all immediately found themselves hiding places which was hard to do as i only have six pieces of furniture. but hide they did and camouflaged themselves.

of all of my cats, cheeti, is a very shy kid and i had since 2002 (rescue) and even now, it’s her terms when i can or can’t pet her. she comes to me when she needs petting. when i tried to catch her, i inadvertently traumatized her again, but what can i do, i can’t leave her there by herself. i put her in the same carrier with a boy cat she adores. when i got her home, i felt bad for her and made another two hour trip back and forth, this time to get her the stuffed winnie the pooh bear. my husband bought me a lot of stuffed animals and this one is a largest of all, almost life size, and cheeti took a liking to this one and she sleeps on this bear.

my sleeping arrangements is another matter. i discarded the old mattresses and in an insane moment (i swear i wasn’t thinking straight) bought myself an “air mattress”. i’m not sure what made me do this because i have cats and they have claws. so here i have this mattress and i blew it up and then my cats jumped on, and now i have holes in the mattress which i tried to seal it up, but it keeps losing the air. so the first two days, was like this. i would blow up the mattress and go to bed on it and i would wake up in about three hours, in a puddle of air which resembles something like a hammock and not very comfortable; at times i even blew it up at 3 am or so and now i completely gave up on it and am sleeping on the floor on some blankets and left the air mattress to my cats which they all love and why not as it’s soft and fluffy. few very loyal cats decided they will sleep on the floor with their momma. and oh i did order a “normal” mattress but that gets delivered in a week or so.

i have put most of my stuff in a storage but i have brought my plants and my books and they are all downstairs and may stay there where i left them till i move again in six months. couple of boys helped me move out of my old place and into this new place. i really am thankful to doug who was always helping me and i would miss him at this new place. when they came to deliver my furniture, they pulled up to the back of the house so it’s easier but his pickup got stuck in the mud as it rained the day before. so a neighbor, john, helped them out of the ditch and now the kids are like, “that’s a husband material right there” and doug is like, you should bar-b-que and invite john. i told them that they can date him if they want as i’m quite capable of taking care of myself. what do i need a man for ? i have cats, books, and music, i have toys (and sandalwood) for sex, and i have this dreamy (literally and figuratively) relationship with american boy. so i’m good for a while !

i love this area in spite of it being so fucking far away from my place of work (drivingwise). but at night i can see the stars and there are no lights as it’s farm land and i’m fishing out my binoculars to stare into heavens and be mesmerized by the constellations. at my old place, my husband and i used to drive out of the city to look at the stars. but here, i can just open my curtains and look out at the sky. maybe i will also buy a telescope.

i started reading the splendour of a thousand suns (khaled hosseini). watched a few movies which are really different i thought; cloud atlas, bird box, perfume, the lobster, to name a few.

melodies and lullabies fill my ears each night. the night skies now a days are rarely starry but when they do, i look at them in awe and i wonder, if you’re looking at them too. if you think about me at all. i hold no expectations but the thought of you seems comforting and thus i wish upon the stars, for me to have happiness in various forms, like for example, you. it’s been ages since i saw you but patience, i tell myself, i will see you tomorrow.

full of beginnings, and sometimes it takes a while to adjust to the surroundings. this is how i feel, like there are too many chances and too much forgiveness, and when it fades i’ll realize, it’s no different with how things end.

i’m so thankful for the little blessings which came my way. there are ups and downs, sure, but life is all about choosing something and then sticking to it as much as one can, even if finding out most of them are bad choices. but i learn and that’s the beauty of it. and you learn just like i did. the days which were idle, i turned them into something worthwhile, no matter what.

new year doesn’t mean new universal laws. but i wish your 2019 be filled with hope, peace, and grace. hopefully, you will find your fulfillment in jesus, your purpose in helping others, your success in kindness, your mindset in generosity.

to a new adventure !


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