my yesterdays & my paper moon

so life is going smoothly and then there was a wee little wrinkle… my landlord texted me saying that the township needs to do a little inspection and aargh, i royally freaked out as i have a baker’s dozen cats and i lied to my landlord. but i don’t have a choice and so with a false bravado i told him they can do the inspection (last) friday and that i should be home. i was counting on the fact that when some stranger comes into the house, they will all disappear into thin air as if a magician has waved a wand. the inspection lady came in and she literally did a five minute inspection, flitting about from one room to another, with comments like, did you just move in ? (darn, there goes my plan of not unpacking till i move again) and oh, that’s a lot of cats (on account, all my cats, were resting comfortably on my bed when she got into my room)… oh well, oops.

weather turned colder and i almost died today.  i have this habit of washing my hair every morning because a couple of my cats, sleep on my head and i don’t want to smell like cats..  so now a days when i start walking up to the platform my hair jingles (having turned into icicles). i probably have to go buy a blow dryer or settle for pneumonia. this morning was especially hard on me as yours truly, got a wee bit sick yesterday (freezing my head didn’t help) and didn’t sleep well and i was groggy and moved about in slow motion. on top of it i haven’t taken my inhaler. my lungs are still open but frigid air is the trigger for my asthma and so when i got out of my car in the parking lot, my lungs closed quickly, and i had like 5 mins to catch my train and so i kind of moved fast and not giving myself enough room to breathe deeply and of course, it was useless anyway as the frigid air already shut off my lungs  and the path to the platform is a bit steep and so when i finally reached the pinnacle, i was completely out of oxygen and lack of oxygen triggered panic attack and so i almost passed out and panicked simultaneously and blindly reached into my purse for my rescue inhaler which i couldn’t find. and after deciding i am not gonna die this way, i talked myself to stop panicking and started taking slow deep breaths and finally got a little bit of oxygen back into my lungs and made my way onto the platform just in time as the train pulled into the station (it was late by 5 mins). lessons learned today: buy a fucking blow dryer; get out of the house early so i have enough time to catch the train; always carry rescue inhaler in my jacket pocket;

before i forget, my boys patriots, have won (super yay) and they are heading to kansas city to battle the chiefs this sunday and it is going to be a glorious battle, but i believe in my boys and that they will win. in small print, if chiefs win, i would still be ok as the qb maholmes is impressive as well and if anyone deserves to beat patriots, it would be him.

i giggle whenever i see women wearing high heels and then walk as though they are constipated. i was chatting with one of the coop girls and one of my colleagues passed us by and of course she was walking awkwardly and i was giggling uncontrollably. the purpose of wearing high heels is to walk seductively while swishing your derrier (or hips) and not look constipated… man, i wear boots as it’s been a while since i discarded high heels for comfort and i walk more seductively than some of these women. i promised the coop, that i would start dressing up like a “girl” as it’s not that i don’t want to dress up, its just that i don’t have anyone to impress as i consider most of the people at work “not worth impressing” as they are not up to my level or standard whether in intelligence or looks (i was super gorgeous before my asthma) and don’t get me wrong, i look like a beached whale now but i still command attention. and of course, one shouldn’t give importance to looks, but if one has looks and intelligence, with a great personality – hang on to that person 🙂

spring is around the corner and this new found breathing ability is giving me hopes of getting back into dancing; also my living room is kind of like a dance studio and this weekend i blasted latin music and danced salsa…  and my legs are still hurting and i think it’s because of one of the side effects of prednisone.

today i had a very interesting conversation with one of my colleagues, tyler… a while ago, i remember having a cake while saying good bye to him and i thought he left but i saw him recently and then again today in the kitchen. i started talking to him, as the scientist in me has oodles of questions and i asked him if he came back and if he didn’t like the other job. and then he informed me that he took time off to hike appalachian mountain range and my mouth fell open and i had immense respect. you should have seen me… i swear my eyes got bigger, rounder and started glowing like a 100 watt bulb…  if you don’t know what appalachians are, you should. i hiked appalachian as a day trip for years and once when my husband & i were on the top of the range, the whole sky was pregnant with thunderstorm promising clouds and i swear, i would have touched them if i just lifted my hands… but i got royally freaked out and with jace still protesting, i hastily got back into our car. jace wanted to have camping on the top of the mountains with our kids, and alas, it never happened as we lost our son.

anyway, tyler explained that he did the whole appalachian range, from maine to georgia and i was further impressed and also i was pinch envious of him. he was explaining to me how he hiked two to four days straight and then he would get back down into a town to replenish food and also to shower and rest. goddamn ! i added this to my bucket list. i wonder if i would ever accomplish all the things i have on my list, but i will try my best. well anyway, he promised me he will show me his photos once he gets a chance to arrange them into a book.

even though, i’m surrounded by shadows that are darker than death, and even though the fact that the constellations have begun to fade in my world, they are of little importance, i’m fighting to keep my own star lit. just so i can finally shine my way back into the light, and follow my star shine to that place where i’ve always wanted to be because somewhere deep inside my bones i know it would feel just like home, sweet home.

life may not be a box of chocolates. but it’s definitely a delicious array of many tempting selections and we have little choice and no fucking clue what’s waiting in the direction we are headed; sometimes exquisite happiness and sometimes dead-ends and disappointments. and you, my dear, are definitely a chocolate, the new one i picked and the new way i am headed, attempting to leave my past and wanting to indulge in new things… like you. i will keep my chin up and walk into this (our ?) adventure not knowing if you join me, or i will get knocked down; if i get knocked down, i will pick myself up and off the ground as i did in extreme heartaches and embrace my life despite my mistakes, and i will endeavor to keep positive thoughts in my mind and a happy song in my heart….

1/15/2019

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