red lipstick

february is melting away in tiny drops and making way into march… but i think nature has come unglued and became bipolar (and yes, pun intended). after living a long time with garages for cars, i got smart and now a days i figured out how to work around with cars in non-garages and in ice / snow / sleet. now a days, as soon as i take a shower and get dressed, i run out and start my car, irrelevant what the weather is like… it’s simpler that way as some days, i would walk out to find my car completely iced up and i have wait for the ice to thaw and then i almost miss my train. and i realized that when the weather man says it’s 30 degrees, i should subtract at least 10 degrees to figure out my current temps.

ah life in the burbs, yo ! i found out that unless a miracle happens, i may not be able to buy a house around here as none of the houses (and i looked up to 500k) are worth my money. they are huge houses but no personality in them. and i want to slap whoever wanted that kind of money for those houses as i would have to completely remodel the house… so here is my new plan and i think i already found a couple of houses which caught my eye and they are kind of nearer to my old neighborhood, with huge yards (important for my cats to roam around and for me to plant a huge garden) and one house i’m almost in love with has french doors and windows even though that’s not a must as i will quickly replace them as soon as i can. i wish i could find a french colonial with juliet balcony but alas i’m not in france and i also wish when i open my french windows i will see eiffel tower…  it’s fun as i’m already shopping for floor mirrors and decadent curtains either from morocco or egypt…

i think there is nothing sexier than a man reading a book ! and a very rare sight indeed, but they do exist. in my commute i find a few men, reading away and i am pleased. i also look at the images of men (usually shirtless) with kittens and puppies and for whatever reason it’s adorable.

i’ve really really come strides and lengths with food in ways i wouldn’t have imagined at all and i’m really proud of myself for that instead of feeling unsatisfied. past saturday sandalwood and i have gone mountain biking; him on proper bike and me on a bike not meant for mountains and it was rough for me; i half biked and then decided i will just take my bike for a walk; my lungs ached so much and i almost passed out for a couple of times and that made me fucking mad and i was angry at my debilitating asthma and at my lungs for succumbing to it… i mean, here they are, have a cozy job like being the lungs of a very intelligent person and then they get asthma.. that made me a vegan on the spot (with one exception, that i will have cream with my coffee and i already drink almond milk and have ice cream made with coconut milk) ! i mean, i was already working at it but i just went shopping like on thursday and bought brie, finishing butter, eggs, and yogurts, and i don’t like to throw food away and i thought i will be vegan after i finish them but after that biking episode, i decided to fuck all the dairy food and i will of course rehome the brie and butter… a week or so ago i made a big pot of cabbage with veggie sausages and so on saturday while coming home, we dropped into a store so i can buy more sausages for the dinner, and i was going round and round in circles to find the sausages and i can’t find them… after making two laps round the store with me, sandalwood gave up and parked himself near a cashier and every time i went past him, he is like “you look like an adorable half-witch” on account my hair is unmanageable at any time of the day but after that hiking, the hair was kind of damp with all the sweat… i finally found a store guy who took me to the meat section to show me the beyond the meat burgers and i was thinking what self-respecting vegetarian or vegan would go look for these in the meat section but i think it’s more for the carnivores than for vegetarians or vegans… this was my first experience with this beyond the meat burgers and sausages and having prepared and ate them, i can testify that they are awesome… and more over they are not soy products so double plus from me. and i also finally found the field roast brand sausages which i was actually looking for.

i have also started researching on asthma and types of asthma and goddamn either asthma goes, or i die trying to rid it… i incorporated some vitamins and not sure if it’s a placebo effect but i feel better ? ! ?

personal training is well under the way where i am huffing and puffing away to glory and trying to build up stamina and i bought a pull up bar for home to work on my flexibility… may be i should buy a pole ?

also on sunday, i spent a whole day getting pampered and after $500 i got massaged, bleached, waxed, scrubbed and polished and i probably squeak as my aesthetician removed an entire layer of epidermis…

an update on barbara and she was supposed to come out to my house this sunday but her husband and soon to be ex, came to chat with her. and after her chat, she called me telling me that he actually expected her to have sex with him (he takes sildanafil citrate to get aroused) and she is like i’m so disgusted and i’m seriously thinking of becoming a lesbian. and i was like ‘well don’t look at me as i like sex a lot and i especially enjoy sex with a penis’ – fun fact sildenafil is prescribed to cats and dogs to decrease the hypertension (like heart & lung probs) and one time, one of my kids was prescribed this !

there is a coop girl in my company, and i feel blessed because of her. i always felt awful for not having children because after losing my son, i became panicky at the thought of having children but i always wanted to adopt a child and i still may. but this girl gave me that satisfaction of being a mum because she also is very taken in by me as we started having these chats and our conversations just flow and we are like minded and after hesitating a lot, i finally confessed to her that if i ever had a daughter, i would want her to be like this girl. she feels closer to me as well, and i can see that we would be keeping in touch a long time after she leaves our company. so i have to say that i no longer feel that void of not having a child and i feel fulfilled. i still want to adopt as there are many many orphaned children.

i put american boy aside for now (not yet scratched him off of my list) as he started behaving bizarre and he is ambiguous and hell no, i won’t have any sort of headachy relationships or have dramas… i had enough of that in my life and i was thinking, dude no one is forcing you and if he is thinking that i will chase him down, that ain’t happening in this life time – and i set the rules. i want him with all my heart, but he has to come with no baggage, no drama and take life at the face value and live in the moment… and if he chooses not to, adieu et bon chance ! and i will write a little poem or story in your honor… once upon a time two minds collided into a thousand words, which soon bloomed into a tragedy – that is, if one could even call it that and despite the tradition, it was not death that separated them but it’s life and so on so forth. i always have other options to explore and i am not even trying.

also i recently got a job offer where they offered a more than what i’m getting paid currently (base salary of $120k+ and bonuses) and i’m almost tempted but i have to buy a house first and so i dropped a line to the hr person to find out if and when i would be getting that kind of salary because well, if i don’t get a counter offer, i will be gone in a year. my current salary is good for the time being, but i like money and am willing to work for it and also i have no intention of working for a salary for the rest of my life and on top of it i have very expensive tastes and i have cats and also i want some money to play the stock market and invest in real estate.

and thus, i have set my priorities before me and i am working on bringing sexy back and i was a ballet dancer and i know how to workout till i’m raw and cut back on calories…been feeling good, been doing that whole “positive feedback loop” thing, and it’s been working a whole lot. everything changes when u see it for yourself. breathe in and breathe out while living life way down deep… loving without strings and making pinky promises meant to keep… genuine gestures extended as i try my best to be me and oh, may be sometimes i get stuck in the past but my wings are spread and i am getting ready to fly, wearing red lipstick and a hopeful heart.



“my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is forever going to be one of my favorite quotes. something about it is just so achingly familiar. i’m not sure what it is, but it sounds so resigned and tired. “my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is so hauntingly human, so crushingly lonely. i can’t articulate the deep, profound ache that sentence evokes. it’s acceptance and defeat and terror and sadness all at once, all from one tiny little machine we asked to explore the stars for us. i cried for oppy and am confused by my tears and sadness.

may be because it’s so human. almost painfully so. she somehow managed to convey everything humans fear about death into one simple sentence. and i feel part of what makes it so meaningful is that this was sent by a rover who lived 60 times her lifespan of 90 days. while it’s sad that we can’t get her home, in a way, she is home as she was built for mars.

her final words will live on.

on feb 13, 2019 mars rover was officially declared dead by nasa. rip oppy, you were brave. (dedicated to opportunity for exploring our space dreams)

i know that i’ve been quiet lately about sandalwood and i’ve been extremely inconsistent and ugh not so sure about him.  but the moment i start talking to him, i remember our first conversation and how he started it. “maybe… we’re all songbirds.” he says…. it was like really late at night and i was really down and out, no one was awake, but us. i know i’ve never talked to him before, but he was the closest thing i’ve ever felt to home in a long time.

anyway, like every year since my husband’s passing, i have had multiple dinner dates for valentines, mostly my friends and occasionally the guys i was dating and so this year it was my friends plus a couple of guys including sandalwood. but as i was sick the past week, i’d to reorganize my outings and yesterday night i met up with him in the city as i wanted to hangout with my friend barbara afterwards.

we had a grand night, the weather cooperated, so we went to kimmel center and later had a light dinner. i decided i would invite him to hangout with barbara as well.

the prerequisite to be my friend is being completely nuts. i make friends with people who are complete nutjobs and barbara is no different and we have been friends for a while. her story goes a way back, like almost ten years when she was dating a guy who was 20 years older than her and a couple of years ago, they got married and i’m not in favor of it as i think something is wrong with him. fast forward to a month ago, she has completely given up on him and wants to divorce him but she wants to get money from him as well for all the emotional trauma she went through and she did go through rough crap. if i were in her place, i would have dropped him a long time ago, because my rule is “if you are not going to treat me the way i expect you to, you are gone…” there are always plenty of other fish in the pond…

so we were chatting yesterday and a bangladesh couple barabara knew were also there and to sandalwood’s horror, we all decided we will hire an uber and go to her husband’s house…… one of the things which she is putting up with is, he lives somewhere else and she lives in the city and she is now convinced that he is cheating on her with his ex (he was married four times)… so we all bundled up and ubered to doug’s house…. and this bangla woman packed some food as well… and so there we were in a single car with a picnic basket, in the middle of the night, gone sleuthing to catch barbara’s husband in an adultery. sandalwood kept a lookout in case the neighbors would look out or something, and we three women, crept up to his house so barbara can check out the car and yes, his ex’s car was there and so we bundled up back into the car and headed back with one furious barabara… we were so nervous and tensed but we were also crazy, having no clue what we would say in case someone or police caught us. sandalwood reassured that we probably won’t have been arrested because we have a good reason but worst execution and that he would have bailed us out in case we got arrested.

all in all, it was the best adventure i have had since my husband and sandalwood is back in my graces as any man who would do things like that with me gets high points. i have made julien stop the car to go and check out a trash bag which was in the middle of nowhere while we were driving through bad lands in montana in the hopes of finding a dead body (alas no dead body, just trash) and i made my husband to go up to bucks county in the middle of the night and camp out in a farm in the hopes of finding a ufo as i heard bucks county farms did have some crop circles and so on so forth and what have you… you get the gist…i’m one dare-devil with a tinge of insanity and friends with equally, if not more, crazy people. but after all, life is for taking risks !

when i was sick, and was going through my coughing fits, my eldest girl, my lovely tickles, would come up to me, and caress me and give me soft purrs and kisses to make sure i am ok. when my kids bestow such love, i feel that the veil of universe is lifted slowly and i’m high with love…

for whatever reason, before this flu episode (i’m still a bit sick as a matter of fact), i decided i will go vegan at least a few months to see if it would lessen the inflammation in my lungs (asthma). i want to increase my lung capacity and let’s see if this would work. i was in the gym the other day and oh i signed up with a trainer, as every time i am doing something on the cables, he would come up to me to correct as i’m not used to this type of cables and i decided i would just pay him for this and also as i wanted him to train me on trx. this is the year i’ve decided i’m going to shed my steroids, my weight and increase my stamina. and while i was in the gym, i heard a song which sounded familiar “my favorite things” from ‘sound of music’ but for a while i couldn’t understand what language it was and if it was a remake and so when i got home i googled. for one, i wanted to get that for my work-out play list and secondly, i wanted to find out what language it was sung in. and lo, it was ariana grande’s 7 rings and i was so pissed that i wanted to go and slap that bitch because, i kid you not, i can never understand what she was saying or and gives me impression of a foreign language and if you don’t believe me, listen to the songs… mind you, they have a nice beat to it as i would dance to them, but her enunciation sucks buckets… and this guy (i read this on twitter or tumblr) put it the best and i couldn’t have said it better “ariana grande’s enunciation reminds me of the time i was sucking dick and the guy asked me a question in the middle that isn’t a yes-or-no type like “oh fuck when’s the last time you’ve been deepthroated?” and i try to respond with a dick suffocating me like “lungaweeffawgho” and while moaning, he goes “aah wha?” but my answer shouldn’t matter cause what’s important is he’s having a good time like how i enjoy ari’s songs even when i dont understand what she’s saying”

and sometimes ! even tho one is careful, some dreams die.

life happens and you have to roll with the punches. i stopped reading like the way i used to because there isn’t much time, i get tired easily and i find myself misanthropic. don’t enjoy movies in the same way because i started figuring out the ending. used to play sports but that was before sports started to hurt.

and god, i loved dance ! i grated my skin raw trying to make body perfect for ballet’s expectations. i got older, busier. chose other things. got thicker, because i was happy and then got asthma. still go to the occasional dances and oh, i gotta take this slow. oh, i have muscle and it shows and that’s not a bad thing.

i’m learning to close my eyes and forgive the soft spots. i can never become an artist but i can still dance. i didn’t run to the circus but i have a friend who has offered to help you learn aerial yoga and isn’t that close to the same thing. i now have to workout instead of dancing, and that sucked. at least now when i get to dance, i appreciate every second.

and no. i can’t move like i used to. takes me longer to remember what used to come naturally. taking my hits with humility.

and okay. so i’m not going to suddenly be what i wished i were. but sometimes i get to knock. crack open the door. close my eyes and be just doing it. no wish for success. just me and my dream, hand in hand.

and oh how we dance.


dandelion wishes

not sure if it’s because i’ve been sick for the past few days that got me all twirling and whirling like in a roller coaster with my feelings or it could be because i’ve been exposed to delirious, delicious dreams due to lack of sleep, but i needed to hurry back to my state of sanity; either way, you were here with me, lying next me, face filled with affection; i dream so much of you or him or you ! i feel comfortable to feel vulnerable again. you are the heat to my coldness how easy it is to succumb to you… the you or him or is that you ? you, tender, fresh, raw, throbbing (may be like a steak) and the self that i’ve been yearning, aching to see… to touch… the one i long to hold, pulsing against my flesh… your body, limbs, face and all that is the every fiber of your being… with all that’s worth every fiber of my being, a tragedy or a delicacy or perhaps, a turkish delight ! and lord, i called the universe / stardust and what’s magical and mightier than it to keep me in this state of star dust where i never had to lose sight of you again… i’ll stay in that lucidity or limbo if you were to stay in my field of vision…  let me stay there, here, if that’s where you, him, you will reside in this lifetime or the next.  but then, oh no ! alas ! no,  here i’m again, again, again awakened to the sound of the birds twittering, cats mewing  & staring at the snow falling gently, & listening to the gentle beat of my heart falling in love with you again & still it is your arrival i’m fond of the most…. me wishing upon a dandelion for your return, just like the lonesome traveler returning to his lover… and oh how i’d wish for you to come home to me… !!

hello february

february already feels confused – like blizzards and birds… like the stuff dreams are made of. by this time everyone i know, came to know my plans to buy a house. after going through my current neighborhood and finding no cottages with my specs i came to a realization that it doesn’t matter how big the house is, what matters is that it should feel like home. so i probably going to head back to my old neighborhood… houses with a past and character and probably lots of stories to tell.

“two bubbles found they had rainbows on their curves.
they flickered out saying: it was worth being a bubble, just to have held that rainbow thirty seconds.” (carl sandberg)

it’s enchanting to imagine a bubble finding joy in its brief existence.

february is enchanting and i can sense that spring is in the air… magic is in the air and nature is magical. it has a way of softening your heart without you even knowing. time moves so fucking fast and before i even realized it, it’s almost valentine’s day and yes i have a date or two….

i met this blonde boy who works for goldman sachs on the train who i named “god’s bankers” because that was the book he is currently reading. anyway we usually travel home together in the evening and we find ourselves seated in the same row sometimes next to him and sometimes with someone in between us (three seater) and today i was at a different end of the train and i had my eyes glued to my book all through the journey and when it was almost time for my stop i lifted my head up to find “god’s bankers staring” at me from the other end of the train and i wondered what happened to his book. oh well, here’s an interesting development i thought as he is cute in a way as i never really saw him as we usually sit next to each other. i made it a point to look into his eyes before i got off… i believe in having a backup plan.

i’m still reading the handmaid’s tale and i have about 100 pages to go. the other day something funny (?!?) happened. when i get to a interesting section in a book, i really can’t wait to get back to it and my best reading times nowadays are during my commute and so there i was behind a couple of blokes who are talking and i was behind them to get on the train and they don’t fucking move… they are letting everybody else get in front of them and here i was trapped and of course, i went “for fuck sake” and one guy was like “let the girl with the cloud on her head get in first..” well, fuck you, i thought, but i got in and happily read my book.

the handmaid’s tale is so damn beautiful. it’s the perfect metaphor or hyperbole for how the world works. for fear, for extremism and dangerous mindsets.

it’s a fucking masterpiece and it portraits reality through an extremely talented way and oh boy i love the characters. such powerful and fucking inspiring women!

the handmaid’s tale brings out such an important message out there. about a “ woman’s place” (very true reference) and a woman’s power and desire to fight back. it’s filled with the most relevant messages and lessons. for all of you out there that refuse to accept not just than the lack of gender equality but also the lack of understanding (about everything). i mean it’s a variation of my story or any woman who have to actually go through so much crap just to exist. most of the people live in their own version of reality but the reality is completely stunning and numbing.

a couple of days ago i had lunch with my boss as for some reason y’all, everyone wants to have lunch with me now a days and she was like tell me how you came to this country and the short version is my father gave me an ultimatum either get out of india or marry my cousin. i, of course, got out and i am the card carrying black sheep of my family because i did things my way. i am not trying to be disrespectful to my parents because they were confined to the social norms and they didn’t like to break any even if it makes them happy. and i understood them as they were caught between society and their daughter. but i have decided a long time ago, well, in fact after i read fountain head that i would be a howard roark and be true to no one else but me.

we recently had a week of frigid weather and i worked from home as i couldn’t really risk standing in the cold weather waiting for a train as i would surely die of asthma. but i had to go out one day and i poured a glass of hot water so i can get the car door open and then i locked my front door and got into my car leaving the keys on the passenger seat and then realized that the car was severely freezing and so decided i would go and fetch gloves and beanie from the house and in my haste i shut the car door forgetting that i left my house keys inside and of course, the car door froze itself again. and i looked up and noticed one of my cats is at the window, staring at me. and he paws at the window lightly and meowed. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. and my heart broke and decided that i have to get back inside my house at all costs. not even god himself can stop me from reaching my cats and feeding them their wet food dinner. a greek god may materialize out of the frozen mists and ask me “hey you wanna bang ?” and i would be like ‘hell yeah but first let me get this car door open so i can feed my cats his dinner” i remember there is a hand sanitizer in my purse which may have a bit of alcohol and so i took that out and rubbed it on the key hole and the sides where the door contacts with the rest of the car and also methodically poured the same over the door frame and after a bit the door moved a little bit, but didn’t quite open and screeching like a pterodactyl, i pulled the door with all i got and thus released the frozen grip of the door… i grabbed the keys (after lowering the window of the car and starting the car to warm the interior) and opened my house and ran upstairs and yelled  “mommy’s home my little babies and don’t worry”at my cats… and minnu started purring and trying to climb me like he always does every time i came home and the others looked confused wondering why i got back home so soon….

there you have it.  a warm end to my frozen story.