opportunity

opportunity

“my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is forever going to be one of my favorite quotes. something about it is just so achingly familiar. i’m not sure what it is, but it sounds so resigned and tired. “my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is so hauntingly human, so crushingly lonely. i can’t articulate the deep, profound ache that sentence evokes. it’s acceptance and defeat and terror and sadness all at once, all from one tiny little machine we asked to explore the stars for us. i cried for oppy and am confused by my tears and sadness.

may be because it’s so human. almost painfully so. she somehow managed to convey everything humans fear about death into one simple sentence. and i feel part of what makes it so meaningful is that this was sent by a rover who lived 60 times her lifespan of 90 days. while it’s sad that we can’t get her home, in a way, she is home as she was built for mars.

her final words will live on.

on feb 13, 2019 mars rover was officially declared dead by nasa. rip oppy, you were brave. (dedicated to opportunity for exploring our space dreams)

i know that i’ve been quiet lately about sandalwood and i’ve been extremely inconsistent and ugh not so sure about him.  but the moment i start talking to him, i remember our first conversation and how he started it. “maybe… we’re all songbirds.” he says…. it was like really late at night and i was really down and out, no one was awake, but us. i know i’ve never talked to him before, but he was the closest thing i’ve ever felt to home in a long time.

anyway, like every year since my husband’s passing, i have had multiple dinner dates for valentines, mostly my friends and occasionally the guys i was dating and so this year it was my friends plus a couple of guys including sandalwood. but as i was sick the past week, i’d to reorganize my outings and yesterday night i met up with him in the city as i wanted to hangout with my friend barbara afterwards.

we had a grand night, the weather cooperated, so we went to kimmel center and later had a light dinner. i decided i would invite him to hangout with barbara as well.

the prerequisite to be my friend is being completely nuts. i make friends with people who are complete nutjobs and barbara is no different and we have been friends for a while. her story goes a way back, like almost ten years when she was dating a guy who was 20 years older than her and a couple of years ago, they got married and i’m not in favor of it as i think something is wrong with him. fast forward to a month ago, she has completely given up on him and wants to divorce him but she wants to get money from him as well for all the emotional trauma she went through and she did go through rough crap. if i were in her place, i would have dropped him a long time ago, because my rule is “if you are not going to treat me the way i expect you to, you are gone…” there are always plenty of other fish in the pond…

so we were chatting yesterday and a bangladesh couple barabara knew were also there and to sandalwood’s horror, we all decided we will hire an uber and go to her husband’s house…… one of the things which she is putting up with is, he lives somewhere else and she lives in the city and she is now convinced that he is cheating on her with his ex (he was married four times)… so we all bundled up and ubered to doug’s house…. and this bangla woman packed some food as well… and so there we were in a single car with a picnic basket, in the middle of the night, gone sleuthing to catch barbara’s husband in an adultery. sandalwood kept a lookout in case the neighbors would look out or something, and we three women, crept up to his house so barbara can check out the car and yes, his ex’s car was there and so we bundled up back into the car and headed back with one furious barabara… we were so nervous and tensed but we were also crazy, having no clue what we would say in case someone or police caught us. sandalwood reassured that we probably won’t have been arrested because we have a good reason but worst execution and that he would have bailed us out in case we got arrested.

all in all, it was the best adventure i have had since my husband and sandalwood is back in my graces as any man who would do things like that with me gets high points. i have made julien stop the car to go and check out a trash bag which was in the middle of nowhere while we were driving through bad lands in montana in the hopes of finding a dead body (alas no dead body, just trash) and i made my husband to go up to bucks county in the middle of the night and camp out in a farm in the hopes of finding a ufo as i heard bucks county farms did have some crop circles and so on so forth and what have you… you get the gist…i’m one dare-devil with a tinge of insanity and friends with equally, if not more, crazy people. but after all, life is for taking risks !

when i was sick, and was going through my coughing fits, my eldest girl, my lovely tickles, would come up to me, and caress me and give me soft purrs and kisses to make sure i am ok. when my kids bestow such love, i feel that the veil of universe is lifted slowly and i’m high with love…

for whatever reason, before this flu episode (i’m still a bit sick as a matter of fact), i decided i will go vegan at least a few months to see if it would lessen the inflammation in my lungs (asthma). i want to increase my lung capacity and let’s see if this would work. i was in the gym the other day and oh i signed up with a trainer, as every time i am doing something on the cables, he would come up to me to correct as i’m not used to this type of cables and i decided i would just pay him for this and also as i wanted him to train me on trx. this is the year i’ve decided i’m going to shed my steroids, my weight and increase my stamina. and while i was in the gym, i heard a song which sounded familiar “my favorite things” from ‘sound of music’ but for a while i couldn’t understand what language it was and if it was a remake and so when i got home i googled. for one, i wanted to get that for my work-out play list and secondly, i wanted to find out what language it was sung in. and lo, it was ariana grande’s 7 rings and i was so pissed that i wanted to go and slap that bitch because, i kid you not, i can never understand what she was saying or and gives me impression of a foreign language and if you don’t believe me, listen to the songs… mind you, they have a nice beat to it as i would dance to them, but her enunciation sucks buckets… and this guy (i read this on twitter or tumblr) put it the best and i couldn’t have said it better “ariana grande’s enunciation reminds me of the time i was sucking dick and the guy asked me a question in the middle that isn’t a yes-or-no type like “oh fuck when’s the last time you’ve been deepthroated?” and i try to respond with a dick suffocating me like “lungaweeffawgho” and while moaning, he goes “aah wha?” but my answer shouldn’t matter cause what’s important is he’s having a good time like how i enjoy ari’s songs even when i dont understand what she’s saying”

and sometimes ! even tho one is careful, some dreams die.

life happens and you have to roll with the punches. i stopped reading like the way i used to because there isn’t much time, i get tired easily and i find myself misanthropic. don’t enjoy movies in the same way because i started figuring out the ending. used to play sports but that was before sports started to hurt.

and god, i loved dance ! i grated my skin raw trying to make body perfect for ballet’s expectations. i got older, busier. chose other things. got thicker, because i was happy and then got asthma. still go to the occasional dances and oh, i gotta take this slow. oh, i have muscle and it shows and that’s not a bad thing.

i’m learning to close my eyes and forgive the soft spots. i can never become an artist but i can still dance. i didn’t run to the circus but i have a friend who has offered to help you learn aerial yoga and isn’t that close to the same thing. i now have to workout instead of dancing, and that sucked. at least now when i get to dance, i appreciate every second.

and no. i can’t move like i used to. takes me longer to remember what used to come naturally. taking my hits with humility.

and okay. so i’m not going to suddenly be what i wished i were. but sometimes i get to knock. crack open the door. close my eyes and be just doing it. no wish for success. just me and my dream, hand in hand.

and oh how we dance.

 

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