10:45 pm – reflections

weekends are so goddamn short !

if you were wondering what the scientific term for eating human flesh is, i can tell you now: anthropophagy. this is the stuff you learn when you are trying to add books to your summer reading list, kids……… i’m reading an article about the dystopian novel oryx and crake by margaret atwood and this is the main topic in it.  i didn’t know that.the article i read was basically about the fact that animals that are genetically engineered (like in oryx and crake) and have human dna, become a chimera sort between humans and animals. as they are still eaten like in the novel, but because it included human dna, this would also legitimize eating human flesh. weird, huh ?!? and from there i further learned that

  1. there are theories that the word for cannibalism derives from the same word as caribbean which in turn comes from the carib people so i’d say antropophagy is the better term
  2. there is of course a rich history of the west using the concept of anthropofagy to other indigenous people
  3. there was a literary movement in brazil called antropofagia that tried to construct a national identity around the concept of antropofagia.

my selfies : you may not have realized it, but they are of my recently chopped hair and in passing i mentioned that to my boss and she was like, send me your photos and so i took a few and once i start snapping selfies, i usually make faces at myself & i was very tempted to send this one with my tongue sticking out but i refrained and sent the other one plus another frontal where i looked quite respectable.

this week i also found out that my kids actually wait for me when it is time for me to come home… when i’m leaving for work a few of them perch up on the window & look out when i’m leaving and when i get home at my usual time, they are there… so i assumed, they stay there having nothing to do but work at putting in as many hours of nap time as possible. but lo & behold, it’s so not true. this week, on two occasions, i came home early as at work, i got nothing to do & as i was on the verge of looking for a rope to hang myself, i pushed off early after informing my boss and so i was home earlier by 30 mins and an hour… on both these occasions i haven’t seen any signs of cats on the window sills which made me further impressed at my kitties and my heart filled up with warm, gooey love for my kids and i fed them a can of tuna to each of them. i refrain from feeding tuna to them on regular basis due to mercury content but my kids get it as a treat once every three to four months.

it’s a cool rainy day of spring. i’m thinking of wearing a beanie tonight as i want to leave my window open but it’s getting chilly. work was bearable and kind of fun. but the weather coursed me to daydream these past two days. these kind of days always make me want to write. let me down slowly by alec benjamin plays in my head & in the background. the rain is a trigger for that. i tell myself there’s no pointing listening to it, because that wouldn’t be moving on. it would mean thinking about everything. a curtain of sadness covers my eyes. as i spend my time in bed strumming my heart string and i can’t seem to match the sounds. but two sounds are familiar and i end up singing a hymn.

today at a shop (ross’)where i went to purchase a cheap throw for my kitties and while looking for honey, i saw a small plate that brought back an old memory when i was a young lady. i was at a very lonely place in my life having just lost the love of my life, my friend’s mum gave me a small plate. it had red lines around it and words. it was cute and pretty, i thought. i was so happy to receive such a gift. it was the best gift i could ever ask for. i was so excited. thinking of it now, i don’t know what i saw in it. but later on i think it broke.

sometimes i wish i could meet myself back then and talked to her. show her that she was so loved and doesn’t have to try so hard to smile or get panicky at the thought of happiness. but maybe i didn’t in a way. because i was clever and had a great imagination.

i’m looking for peace wherever it may be. stringing my heart along to every song that gets sung, i sank my tears into the sea…. your blues are my blues, your reds are my reds. my favorite evening cloudy with a little bit of sun kind of day, a light breeze straight through the spaces between every finger, your words are not lost within me. a chorus enveloped in yellows i want to wear – will you still meet me under the stars tonight ? some words will never become poems no matter how softly you touch them. i’m trying to be closer to you with these words, forgiving sight for exhausting used miles. and though my heart is yours and i’m wanting it to be mine again, i miss you more with every breath.

03/31/2019

breath of spring

life continues on as it tends to do…. in the years to come and when i reflect back, 2018 will be viewed as a year of growth and unexpected happenings.  a year that was full of so much joy, some tough and even gut-wrenching moments, but also a year that revealed a few unexpected moments. one of these unexpected moments proved to be quite endearing, and came in the form of leaving my marital home. it was emotionally painful but it was a good decision. it was something which i tried to hang onto, but god physically pushed me out and i was forever grateful for that.

and i’m excited about the promise of warmer weather and gorgeous wildflower blooms. winter is still holding on in many places, and it’s goddamn cold still, especially in my neck of the woods, but i’m excited as i’m surrounded by hills and i can’t wait to find some beautiful flowers to blanket them… at least i hope. getting distracted by beauty is a real thing and i honestly can say i can get lost in it.

the other day i got a ticket, alas not for speeding as i welcome a speeding ticket but because of not getting state inspection done; i was stuck behind this state trooper and then he stopped me for not having a current sticker which i actually forgot and in a way i’m thankful to the state trooper as for my lexus boy, i maintain below 5000 miles in a year so i can get an inspection waiver as he never passes inspection because he is tricked out to do drag racing… and then the trooper has the audacity to say to me that he was admiring me in his rear-view mirror and then asks me ‘where are you going ?’ i was like ‘i’m going to petsmart’ to which he replies, so you have one or two… i wanted to slap him. and now i have to go to traffic court and contest the ticket.

i’m like alice in veganland and it’s been almost a month since i have become vegan and i’m quite elated to tell you all that my wheezing is much under control and lately i’m not gasping for air like a fish out of the water ….as i’m a trained scientist, i’m keeping a log and  i’ve been experimenting on myself regards to how my asthma behaves with what i eat, and also i read a really informative article about asthma on an ayurvedic website. i’ve started cooking again as the stores and restaurants are not super friendly for me. i have been making yummy indianized meals with plant based meats and one such yummilicious curry needed rice as a base, and i did and lo and behold, my lungs started wheezing…. i learnt my lesson and i decided i won’t make the same goddamn mistake again. i have taken my kids (coops) to a vegan restaurant and i told them, if they didn’t like the meals i will buy them a burger from max brenner… but the kids loved the vegan food, and i kid you not if i say this, i can totally serve vegan meals and no one would know the difference and in fact, one would feel refreshed instead of groggy and heavy. i have to actually cut down on processed vegan meats and get back into veggies… if all goes well, (ie once i become my past self) i will cut off oil as well. oh, i would give or do anything to marry a vegan chef ! i have a list of people i would like to marry, just an fyi and out of all, i would love to marry dh lawrence !

oh, i also started wondering that i may put on more weight but i am ok with it as instead of looking like a potato because of steroids, i can now look like potato because i’m eating good and clean food… best reason to be fat !!

now a days i keep meeting a girl and she and i pass by each other every day. she reminds me of myself when i was younger and stylish…. and i’m motivated to see if i could revert myself back to the days when photographers gave me their card and begged me to model for them… or men chatted me up with stupid pickup lines like you must work as a model (and i would be in a t-shirt and jeans with beat up sneakers) or when random people gave me bouquets of flowers… so i am challenging myself to see if i could get the reaction though i am no longer in my twenties i don’t look past thirty and so i have  something to work on and keep myself occupied.

i let my boss know that if my salary doesn’t improve considerably there is a chance that i will be leaving next year. she doesn’t want to lose me and tbh i don’t want to go, but if i were to quit working in 5 to 10 years, it’s imperative that i should get into investing asap which translates to working for a high paying salary for a few years. and this way i have a full year to work with the headhunters to get the best deal in case my company doesn’t meet the salary i want.

friday was not a great day. i am currently reading “the time traveler’s wife” (a few more pages to go, but haven’t finished yet as i know that the time traveler is gonna die and i’m prolonging his death by not reading) and i was at the part where she keeps losing babies and before she loses them she dreams. before i lost my son, christian, i dreamt as well and they were really weird dreams and nightmares and so it was physically painful for me to read this part and i was silently crying into my ipad, when my fellow passenger (goldman sachs) gave me a tissue… gosh when i remember the painful parts of my life, i wish i could time travel and go to a happier moment and i just curl up there and not leave. (goldman sachs started getting his train from my station for reasons and we sit together most of the time and he tries to make conversations and i try not to encourage him, as i’m still sulking at myself for putting aside american boy, but it is good to have other options especially because he is a reader and he does seem like he has an iq of 150+, so he probably can hold intellectual conversations with me and i probably don’t have to strangle him or hang myself out of sheer boredom !)

speaking of time travel, i binge watched the oa on netflix (it’s about dimensional jump) and believe me if i tell you that i totally waited two years for season two of this show and it hasn’t disappointed me… i also watched a spanish film “mirage” which is also about time and space, and i was thinking what are the chances of this happening that i’m totally involved in time and space related stuff and whenever i’m looking out of my bedroom window, i keep thinking to myself that if any aliens are just happening to be passing by they must take me with them……. also, in 2013 i did see an ufo.. it was an october night and all the leaves fallen off and so i could clearly see the sky from my kitchen window and i was washing dishes and i screamed loudly and grabbed my phone and by the time i put my pants on (remember, yours truly, when home, runs around with no pants on) and ran out screaming for jace to join me, the ufo was just a tiny little thing in the sky. needless to say for several days since then, i camped out shivering waiting for them to reappear and they haven’t. and if you say i have just saw a plane, i will slap you because i’m an intelligent being who can distinguish between a plane and an ufo.

i have this habit of writing my thoughts composing them on gmail, and saving the drafts and i was clearing out my drafts and i found this list which i put together sometime way back in 2002 titled “ things that break my heart a little each time…………..”

abrupt goodbyes after long phone calls  / when you can’t say no to your friend who eats your fries (it was my husband jace before we were married and after married) / people littering the streets /  how underrated some of the best books are / every time a girl speaks about feeling unsafe / kids who’ve learned swear words a little too early / women denying the need for feminism / people misunderstanding the meaning of feminism / when old books can’t be saved from wear and tear / ice cream falling onto the floor / seeing my mom cry / favourite restaurants shutting down / bookstores being converted into clothing stores / the sequel of a book/movie that just doesn’t live up to the first one / when people while texting type “lyk dis” / reading my diaries from high school / nail paint chipping on the very same day i applied it / a promise broken by my father / reading the news / goodbye hugs that are too short

i probably should update this list…..

i’m sitting on my bed, freshly scrubbed and after the week i had, i’m thankful for: poems about love, a fresh bag of veggie chips (still unopened), every train ride home from work, peaches and plums, countdowns, unmade plans, ghosts, kissing the tip of my kitties noses.

i am looking forward to spring / summer and i already started putting together my reading list… the other day my boss saw my book list and insisted i give her a copy of that which i did as she liked my list…

*sigh*

some days my world is full of bright stage lights that illuminate the shadows where i hide; and of rivers of coffee; and of hope and passion and plays; and of sleepless nights and poetry and essays on the importance of perseverance; and some days its full of miyazaki movies and almond milk; of damp and dreary days and cuddling up with my furry babies; of blue skies and walks on the dried leaves making crunchy sound; and of rilke’s third elegy and of double crossed legs in short skirts.

‘silly old bear’

silly old bear

i watched christopher robin (ewen mcgregor) this afternoon and my word, it was so heartfelt and sweet, i was crying thirty seconds in and the moment i heard that familiar voice say “christopher robin ?” i swear something in my soul broke… and now i’m sitting here all misty eyed and missing my cats who passed away and my teddy bears i stored in a storage facility ☹. i can’t properly express the visceral emotion and how hard the ‘christopher robin’  has hit me, somewhere deep in my soul there’s something magical and beautiful in how they presented it, how pooh looks old and worn but so obviously loved, how christopher robin immediately knew it was his childhood best friend, how pooh greeted him, like he was still the young boy who brought him to life all those years ago, like nothing has changed, not really. (but as winnie says, ‘just a few wrinkles. maybe’)

and then there’s the idea, that the toys, and stuffed best friends that you played with and loved as a child will always know and recognize you, no matter how old you get, just like how you’d always know and recognize that one specific old friend, from just the smell or how they sit in your arms.

and they will always be there for you, if you remembered to go back to them. or maybe they’ll come find you when you need them most. they were with you through thick and thin, they know you, the real you, and you don’t have to hide yourself from them. you’ve never had to.

and ok i knew at some point ewan mcgregor is going to say “silly old bear” and i honestly didn’t know how my heart was able to handle it.

but… and this is in spite of knowing that christopher robin was never able to escape being the little boy the books showed him as, with everyone wanting him to still be that… i’m looking forward to this.

partially, i think, because it is christopher robin as an older man who has changed, and winnie the pooh as the kind, wise bear of very little brain that hasn’t.

it’s not pretending that christopher robin stayed the same, or that he had to keep that childhood innocence within him always, the way we sometimes assume that our children’s’ book heroes do, or should. it shows him hurting to leave his family and be apart from them in order to live up to what his job asks of him. it seems to me, if it weren’t for his job being so harsh, he would not be unhappy to be an adult.

i think that if anything, this does the memory of the actual events a lot of good, because it lets us know that christopher robin and winnie the pooh aren’t just for childhood, they’re for forever. they can grow up and grow old with you, and that is not a bad thing. in fact, sometimes it’s outside influences that are the bad thing, not anything you have let happen to your life.

again, i’m reminded of something c.s. lewis said – when i grew up, i put away childish things, including the fear of being childish

i’ll next read winnie the pooh again, because you are never old enough to read certain books (once i finish with the book i’m currently reading “the time traveler’s wife”).

03/10/2019