breath of spring

life continues on as it tends to do…. in the years to come and when i reflect back, 2018 will be viewed as a year of growth and unexpected happenings.  a year that was full of so much joy, some tough and even gut-wrenching moments, but also a year that revealed a few unexpected moments. one of these unexpected moments proved to be quite endearing, and came in the form of leaving my marital home. it was emotionally painful but it was a good decision. it was something which i tried to hang onto, but god physically pushed me out and i was forever grateful for that.

and i’m excited about the promise of warmer weather and gorgeous wildflower blooms. winter is still holding on in many places, and it’s goddamn cold still, especially in my neck of the woods, but i’m excited as i’m surrounded by hills and i can’t wait to find some beautiful flowers to blanket them… at least i hope. getting distracted by beauty is a real thing and i honestly can say i can get lost in it.

the other day i got a ticket, alas not for speeding as i welcome a speeding ticket but because of not getting state inspection done; i was stuck behind this state trooper and then he stopped me for not having a current sticker which i actually forgot and in a way i’m thankful to the state trooper as for my lexus boy, i maintain below 5000 miles in a year so i can get an inspection waiver as he never passes inspection because he is tricked out to do drag racing… and then the trooper has the audacity to say to me that he was admiring me in his rear-view mirror and then asks me ‘where are you going ?’ i was like ‘i’m going to petsmart’ to which he replies, so you have one or two… i wanted to slap him. and now i have to go to traffic court and contest the ticket.

i’m like alice in veganland and it’s been almost a month since i have become vegan and i’m quite elated to tell you all that my wheezing is much under control and lately i’m not gasping for air like a fish out of the water ….as i’m a trained scientist, i’m keeping a log and  i’ve been experimenting on myself regards to how my asthma behaves with what i eat, and also i read a really informative article about asthma on an ayurvedic website. i’ve started cooking again as the stores and restaurants are not super friendly for me. i have been making yummy indianized meals with plant based meats and one such yummilicious curry needed rice as a base, and i did and lo and behold, my lungs started wheezing…. i learnt my lesson and i decided i won’t make the same goddamn mistake again. i have taken my kids (coops) to a vegan restaurant and i told them, if they didn’t like the meals i will buy them a burger from max brenner… but the kids loved the vegan food, and i kid you not if i say this, i can totally serve vegan meals and no one would know the difference and in fact, one would feel refreshed instead of groggy and heavy. i have to actually cut down on processed vegan meats and get back into veggies… if all goes well, (ie once i become my past self) i will cut off oil as well. oh, i would give or do anything to marry a vegan chef ! i have a list of people i would like to marry, just an fyi and out of all, i would love to marry dh lawrence !

oh, i also started wondering that i may put on more weight but i am ok with it as instead of looking like a potato because of steroids, i can now look like potato because i’m eating good and clean food… best reason to be fat !!

now a days i keep meeting a girl and she and i pass by each other every day. she reminds me of myself when i was younger and stylish…. and i’m motivated to see if i could revert myself back to the days when photographers gave me their card and begged me to model for them… or men chatted me up with stupid pickup lines like you must work as a model (and i would be in a t-shirt and jeans with beat up sneakers) or when random people gave me bouquets of flowers… so i am challenging myself to see if i could get the reaction though i am no longer in my twenties i don’t look past thirty and so i have  something to work on and keep myself occupied.

i let my boss know that if my salary doesn’t improve considerably there is a chance that i will be leaving next year. she doesn’t want to lose me and tbh i don’t want to go, but if i were to quit working in 5 to 10 years, it’s imperative that i should get into investing asap which translates to working for a high paying salary for a few years. and this way i have a full year to work with the headhunters to get the best deal in case my company doesn’t meet the salary i want.

friday was not a great day. i am currently reading “the time traveler’s wife” (a few more pages to go, but haven’t finished yet as i know that the time traveler is gonna die and i’m prolonging his death by not reading) and i was at the part where she keeps losing babies and before she loses them she dreams. before i lost my son, christian, i dreamt as well and they were really weird dreams and nightmares and so it was physically painful for me to read this part and i was silently crying into my ipad, when my fellow passenger (goldman sachs) gave me a tissue… gosh when i remember the painful parts of my life, i wish i could time travel and go to a happier moment and i just curl up there and not leave. (goldman sachs started getting his train from my station for reasons and we sit together most of the time and he tries to make conversations and i try not to encourage him, as i’m still sulking at myself for putting aside american boy, but it is good to have other options especially because he is a reader and he does seem like he has an iq of 150+, so he probably can hold intellectual conversations with me and i probably don’t have to strangle him or hang myself out of sheer boredom !)

speaking of time travel, i binge watched the oa on netflix (it’s about dimensional jump) and believe me if i tell you that i totally waited two years for season two of this show and it hasn’t disappointed me… i also watched a spanish film “mirage” which is also about time and space, and i was thinking what are the chances of this happening that i’m totally involved in time and space related stuff and whenever i’m looking out of my bedroom window, i keep thinking to myself that if any aliens are just happening to be passing by they must take me with them……. also, in 2013 i did see an ufo.. it was an october night and all the leaves fallen off and so i could clearly see the sky from my kitchen window and i was washing dishes and i screamed loudly and grabbed my phone and by the time i put my pants on (remember, yours truly, when home, runs around with no pants on) and ran out screaming for jace to join me, the ufo was just a tiny little thing in the sky. needless to say for several days since then, i camped out shivering waiting for them to reappear and they haven’t. and if you say i have just saw a plane, i will slap you because i’m an intelligent being who can distinguish between a plane and an ufo.

i have this habit of writing my thoughts composing them on gmail, and saving the drafts and i was clearing out my drafts and i found this list which i put together sometime way back in 2002 titled “ things that break my heart a little each time…………..”

abrupt goodbyes after long phone calls  / when you can’t say no to your friend who eats your fries (it was my husband jace before we were married and after married) / people littering the streets /  how underrated some of the best books are / every time a girl speaks about feeling unsafe / kids who’ve learned swear words a little too early / women denying the need for feminism / people misunderstanding the meaning of feminism / when old books can’t be saved from wear and tear / ice cream falling onto the floor / seeing my mom cry / favourite restaurants shutting down / bookstores being converted into clothing stores / the sequel of a book/movie that just doesn’t live up to the first one / when people while texting type “lyk dis” / reading my diaries from high school / nail paint chipping on the very same day i applied it / a promise broken by my father / reading the news / goodbye hugs that are too short

i probably should update this list…..

i’m sitting on my bed, freshly scrubbed and after the week i had, i’m thankful for: poems about love, a fresh bag of veggie chips (still unopened), every train ride home from work, peaches and plums, countdowns, unmade plans, ghosts, kissing the tip of my kitties noses.

i am looking forward to spring / summer and i already started putting together my reading list… the other day my boss saw my book list and insisted i give her a copy of that which i did as she liked my list…


some days my world is full of bright stage lights that illuminate the shadows where i hide; and of rivers of coffee; and of hope and passion and plays; and of sleepless nights and poetry and essays on the importance of perseverance; and some days its full of miyazaki movies and almond milk; of damp and dreary days and cuddling up with my furry babies; of blue skies and walks on the dried leaves making crunchy sound; and of rilke’s third elegy and of double crossed legs in short skirts.

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