me to you

april 30, 2019 – i would like to dedicate this post to american boy as he made me happy. i’ve not been this happy in a while and i feel invincible and life is good. how did he make me happy, you ask ? he actually made an effort to talk to me or vice versa. i had(have) this problem aka a transference of my feelings on to his act of talking to me and i would get super happy by living a lie that he is talking to me because he is totally in love with me. so now a days, it’s like a conscious act on my part to separate the layer of my idiot heart’s lies it tells itself with the facts that he is just talking like he would with anyone else; also when i want to talk to him he makes me breathless and speechless as my heart races at 1000 mph & i find that my mouth is full of bees and so when i talk to him, he can’t understand what i’m saying. oh i can talk to him when i have to talk about our company affairs and i usually have this razor’s edge while talking to him, and i also am glad that he has divine patience when dealing with me; so now that i’m kind of thinking that i’m not being fair to him because of my weakness for him, i’m ungluing my lips and talking to him and it is interesting to talk to him. i feel like i’m exploring him and his interests. so we had a couple of days of nice little chats even if they were about goddamn sports because i think it’s a safe subject. but i loved it all the same. so thank you !

while traveling to work yesterday morning, i was thinking about surrealism and rené magritte and his famous “ceci n’est pas une pipe”. and during the course of the day, i bumped into american boy, while loudly talking to myself that i would like a banana, as i just worked out in the gym and he was at that time, helping himself to another piece of cake (someone is getting married) and so he went “this is not a banana”… i thought this sounds much better “ceci n’est pas une banane”

speaking of the little party for that girl, i was sitting with my colleagues one of our coworkers was telling us that his friend is getting married and one of the wedding registry item was a chain-saw and then he went, he doesn’t even have any trees. my brain concocted so many horror stories. but hear this, when i get married again, that would be my number one request. also, american boy came and sat by me, *curiouser and curiouser* which is strange as he usually avoids me by a mile. and then he seemed to want to jump in a conversation about basket ball i am having with my friend tom, but for some reason didn’t. dear boy, i don’t bite… well, not much ! but that was yesterday, and today he made my fucking day !

goddamn it ! can i be more giddy with love ? words that whisper of hopes and wants, of caresses unvoiced but entirely bestowed, of so much love that the whole world can’t hold so it lives in dreams here, in the silent whispers of my heart that only your soul hears as a song. i would love to come into your world like the soft evening breeze, like the mist from the hilltop, like the late summer sun. i would sit and watch you for hours, love your quick movements, the curve of your lips in an absent smile, the frown on your forehead as you remembered. i would sit and watch and wait until you noticed me, till the moment that your smile lit up my entire world, till you saw and gave in and wanted me. i would stay with you forever, till your eyes were cloudy pale blue, your hair spun snow and your smile slow and loving as i held your hand. i would stay till you were a memory on the mantelpiece, a picture on the wall, your voice a whisper on the evening wind.

on friday (april 26), the train i was on lost power because of some storms… apparently our train just left that spot where the wires came down and it was such a blessing as we could have got tangled up in live wires. but god is good and we were safe. as the train lost power, we had to stay on the train and i wanted to get out of the train and get a taxi but they won’t let me go. so after 3 hours on the train, we finally got evacuated and i got home around 10 pm. situations like this make me panic as i fear that i won’t see my kids again. i was talking to a colleague of mine, who also takes the same train, if he was on that train that day. and he told me that he took an earlier one and so he missed this whole episode and he was telling me a year or two ago, similar thing happened and one lady called 911 because she wanted to go to bathroom… and i was thinking, how is that gonna help, are they going to bring porter potties or something like that ? but apparently she got fined for calling 911 unnecessarily…

also today, i received beautiful flowers from my boss not sure why, may be admin day or something, but i am immensely grateful to receive them… she is a sweet-heart in my opinion, a bit unsure about herself as a person and she tends to be hard on herself. she does these little little things for me and i’m thankful for them.

oh btw, the italian and i had a great night out on saturday night, and i kept waiting for my heart to say something, anything, like i like him. i do like him, but as a friend. i have absolutely no tingling anywhere in my body.

speaking of which, i am currently reading “the color purple” by alice walker. it’s a horrible story of a young girl and it’s truly transformative literature ! it’s such an emotional but also hopeful novel about recovering from trauma, loving yourself, loving others, finding yourself, finding family, and spirituality without being super preachy. celie, the protagonist, is a lesbian with a girlfriend and i find her first time looking at her “button” (clitoris) (in a mirror obviously) super hilarious. i kept giggling like a little girl when i was reading through the lines about masturbation and her lesbian desires.

at our work gym, where somedays i work out with my boy (in my mind we are together, ok), i now acquired another admirer who is like a baby… he keeps stealing looks at me and ok, i’m not sure if he has puppy crush on me or because of the way i move on the treadmill (i’ve some unique moves on treadmill i sort of do dance steps instead of boring walk or run). and i keep thinking, dear boy, i could be your mother ! the rate at which i attract younger men is inversely proportional to my age, where the older i get, the men i attract are younger. at this rate, by the time i’m 70, i should be dating a 18 years old or younger. also, recently i was talking to a girl at my work about this decent looking qb patriots have acquired and she went, he probably is in his twenties and i’m like, why do i care ? where is the rule which specifies that only men can date young girls and women can’t date younger men ? like please ! i’ve dated younger men but usually find them boring as they don’t have much maturity and now a days, the young people are totally boring who discuss mind numbing subjects which have no substance.

we all are fucked up, just in different places but we point out to others, for their cracked parts. because we forget, that someone else is full fleshed in parts we are starved and bruised.

during certain moments i feel as though i’m trying to make it to the other side. almost like the bridge between what i lived through and where i truly wish to be was washed away by some unforgiving tsunami, and this fierce storm keeps me from repairing the bridge so that i can make it safely back to where i used to reside. so that i can make it back to me and a place where i can finally take a deep breath and feel peace instead of panic, as i continue to do battle with this unpredictable sea of emotions while attempting with everything that i have to avoid anymore fallout.

the phoenix

the biggest lesson i’m learning is that nothing is as extreme or as permanent as our emotions convincing us they are. nothing is certain and things are always fluctuating and there are always exceptions and there are always mistakes. there is always pain and there is always love. everything is one delicate touch away from changing.

spring is here and i’m elated. i’m totally engrossed in working on my body, my projects, sports (basketball).

today i got my annual health checkup results and i’m the poster child of health, yo ! on the plus side, all my numbers are where they should fall, but on the negative side, my values for vitamins like b12, vitamin d have fallen as these come from mainly animal products. not to mention the goddamn fat percentage…. but whateves !

exercise-wise, my body is shaping up nicely… my boobs are firmer and perkier, my bum is getting into a nice round shape, my abs are still squishy but firming up slowly… i keep telling myself, patience and patience. i wish i could increase my workout time a lot more, but it’s hard for now as i still have weak lungs and now that i’m a vegan it’s trying to figure out the right supplements and eating the correct food groups everyday.

i am pretty sure my neighbor is stalking me… not like a creepy, i will hold you in my basement stalking way, but more like i have a crush on you kind of a way. one day i just came home and he came out with some excuse and of course, i introduced myself (i’m not a neanderthal) and he offered to shovel my snow…. this was when we still had snow. i told him no, thank you. i said no as he has a girl friend, and people are crazy and i don’t want some crazy bitch come after me and cut my face, or shoot me or worse, kill my cats. and hence his crush stalking. lol what’s with men anyway ? if you are looking at another woman, you know you are in a wrong relationship and why are you hanging on to a sinking ship… i do hope the sex is great for you to put up with shitty relationships (i’m sorry but i always think of sex more than i think of anything else, oh only next to my cats… and books… ). i have a rule, i don’t get involve with anyone who is not free. also, he is a professional baseball player (now coaching) and he has a daughter and he is cute with a beard, but i hate baseball.

speaking of which, my friends weren’t happy that i’m not involved with anyone and especially me not pursuing american boy. i’m like what do you want me to do, flash my pantyless crotch at him ? i’m happier when i am not in any relationship and i’m nursing a goddamned broken heart. what if missing you never stops ? instead of trying to fill up the hole you left, i will plant flowers on its edges and watch them grow. because time will never heal wounds (they lied), but time will make it easier to cope. easier to live life as i knew it before you.

so much for me deciding that i won’t date for a while. yesterday i got home, fed my kitties, and went out again, as i have to buy some food stuff. so of course, i was speeding as per usual, with my windows down, my hair blowing in the wind, singing at the top of my lungs to french pop which is blasting loudly and i’m happy… and then this other tricked up car started drag racing and lol, of course, i took the challenge and we both were speeding and then at the red light, he started talking to me telling me that he loves my car and i returned the compliment. and then he followed me to the giants where he bought me a bouquet of flowers telling me he would like to drag race me. he is italian (freshly imported) and i would have loved him to be french but close enough ! i love romance and i love the fact that he chased me and gave me flowers ! and yes, i’m gonna go on a date with him this weekend, what choice do i have, he compared me to monica bellucci !! she is a goddess and i’m preening;  and we will race against each other during the memorial day weekend. it’s been a while since i have raced and i have to get my car checked and probably write a will leaving my cats to some one

other miscellaneous things: last weekend, i finally went and checked out the trails in the woods and it’s beautiful ! i love the fresh air and walking on still crunchy leaves.

i drove into work today as i have to meet the “eyetalian” for a coffee after work and while driving into the city, i saw “let notre dame burn” on a bus shelter. i’m not the one who gets emotional over anything getting destroyed except that the building has history and no i don’t believe that they have the “thorn crown” which jesus wore when he was crucified as catholic church is best in propagating false christianity. and this is for you… there is no reference to lent in bible and christians who follow all these pagan rituals in the name of christianity make me sad. they don’t keep sabbath, which is one of the ten commandments, but they eat unclean foods like pork, shellfish, and celebrate the pagan fertility festivals like easter and christmas. (also ps: i love talking to you in between these lines).

american boy surprised me by telling me (i asked) he watches peaky blinders and i thought to myself, if he ever ends up in my bed, (he probably would be eating something) & i’ll be holding a cat or two in my arms), we can at least discuss this as there are very few things which are common between us.

recently, a friend of mine told me that he is moving away as he took another job. and he asked me what are you going to do when i go away ? i didn’t tell him this, but i’m used to people leaving me. i’m like a tree rooted in place and everything else changes around me like seasons.

time ! the bane of our existence… time wears us out like pebbles shaped by constant kisses of the sea. it smooths our edges, allows us grow into different people. sometimes things just work a lot better the second time round. at least that’s what we should believe. sometimes we need space to evolve and to become who we really meant to be. and to become who they mean to me. and eventually, everything falls into place, even if its many years down the road…

14 avril, 2019 6:20 p.m.

every year i await the months for winter to end and spring to thaw and it always fills me with awe… spring arrives in april like a warm sludge down my throat with intense humidity but i welcome any warmth with a hunger for the hurt because it hurts to heal and i’m going to take the sun in both hand and heart.

april comes with the sounds of bees on the wind like a sound from the future. the sun glows brightly and says everything is just about a few minutes away and that we should stop waiting for something we already have… the frost melts, the ground softens as if it’s healing.

nature is so goddamn sneaky… one day the trees were bare and dead and the next day there were itsy bitsy buds with life and being the first to be part of something so large.  when i am on my the platform waiting for my train, i see all these trees majestically poised and silently waiting for the spring thaw and then i saw these little buds, which made me smile and now they are voluptuous with green gently and happily swaying in morning breeze. the ground is soft in the face of life. the soft petals drink up the mist as the daffodils cradle the sun. i quench myself as something cracked and aged, as dry as starlight, in the wet swoons of april.

i have been a fucking social butterfly this month… i have gone to my department’s dinner event as i’m pretentious bitch and the dinner was at a great restaurant in philly where the food is to die for. i usually avoid social scenes as they are mind numbingly boring but i’m kind of missing having a social life which involves night life. i seriously need to find like minded people who would like to go dancing and having dinners at pretentious restaurants and go dancing with me.

i also went to a sixers basket ball game because my boss couldn’t go and she asked me to and i was actually off that day because i had to go to traffic court (remember i got a goddamn ticket ! and while waiving of my inspection ticket, they got me on another technicality ie i didn’t change my address on the registration & license. bastards ! the judge preached me why i needed to notify, & boy did i learn a very expensive lesson as i had to pay $150). if i had to go to work, i wouldn’t have gone to the sports event unless i get off early to go home and feed my kids and then go to the event. the people who organized it had a nice little suite and i know this is more like networking and i have nothing in common with people who goes there, and i’m not a sixers fan but it is an opportunity to feel like a vip and also i wanted to have the experience of actually going to live game. after politely excusing myself, i have made myself comfortable by getting a good seat where i can scream at the players as i have this habit of totally getting immersed in sports and usually scream at my tv (or a tv in a restaurant). but people came by and started chatting with me much to my dismay and i tried to multi-task but well, it’s ok as my boys, the warriors, weren’t playing below on the court; at one point, the partners of the company who organized this came and sat with me and one of them is a patriots fan and the other eagles fan. so i was making fun of the eagles loss, and he goes, “at least my team’s owner wasn’t in headlines with a sex scandal and doing dishonorable things”. it’s a jab at kraft getting caught with a prostitute and i answered him “he is a old and a widower and he got a happy ending and while i don’t condone it, let it go”. for me tho, the most mind boggling question is, he is a very rich guy and there are bleach blonde women with no morals and who would not only give a handjob or a blowjob or do anything else to have a rich life style and they must be fawning all over him and why does he even needed to go to such a place. had conversation with a couple of foreigners (scottish and aussie) and i can never understand why americans are so uptight with foreigners and they are more conservative than europeans.

tim from work, started teasing me about liking the best sports teams (aka patriots, warriors) and so everytime he makes fun of me, i started to print out a tom brady photo and put it on his desk.

my breathing is going great but the recent humidity made me wheeze a bit. i accepted asthma as part of my life, and am going to do whatever is necessary to keep breathing and hopefully not let it affect me negatively. i’m slowly increasing my work out time, and i’m nowhere near the time i want to spend working out but i’m getting stronger… clean eating is honestly the best thing which came out of my asthma. i recently found some vegan cakes and cookies at whole foods which translates to me being a potato #sidelook

i’m eager to explore the trails near my house and i wanted to do it this weekend, but sunday kind of blurred into chores and also clouds were hanging down low, & my laziness set in before i knew it. i made myself some gardein crab cakes and stuffed them into some tortis along with plantains, lentils. i also found out that burger king is now offering plant based meat whopper and i can’t wait to go and get one !

in other news, i’m house hunting and started looking at various options. i’ve a particular house in mind and i haven’t so far found it, but i’m getting ready for the time when i actually find it. i’m unsure at this point if i would ever find a bloke to settle down with and i’m kind of tired of dating men who i know i’m never gonna fall in love with or men who are so goddamn young. i genuinely want to have a loving and lasting relationship, but currently my feelings and my brain are at an impasse. and this is for you ! you made an effort to talk to me (twice) which made me suspicious – our silences are beautiful anyway as my heart extends into yours respite from life’s worries, and drizzling wonder over sepia-tinted days to linger softly within these glittery moments, i wrote love letters to you in my mind and that’s where they stay, and i dangle tender thoughts etching whispered dreams, wishing you were mine. i’m here because of failures of my past. i can trace the scars when i run my fingers on my heart and i just wish that you don’t give me new ones.

lying down on my bed while dusk has set upon the lips of the sky and the music is playing in the background with a song that feels like it could last forever inside of this memory, i love songs that stop time. like this moment is more real than any previous frame that you will revisit. i am hypnotized by the way rhythm and lyrics spoken with a tone that makes it feel as though you’re floating through a garden in space and everything is ethereal and unreal, but with the slightest touch, you’re back home and as long as you have that moment inside of your heart, you know that everything will always be alright.

blackhole

blackholethe first picture of a black hole in history !

when i saw this photo, i let out a small gasp !

the global project “event horizon telescope” (eht) was focusing on two black holes through several worldwide-spanning radio telescopes over years. finally, it could make this picture from an ultra-massive black hole from the galaxy messier 87. it is the first time humankind could make a picture from a black hole.

april 10, 2019 is a wonderful day for humanity as we had our first visual confirmation of the existence of blackhole; a feat which is as huge as getting the first flight out into space perhaps.

anyone else feeling super existential with all of this blackhole talk going on ? the scientist in me had a wee bit existential angst ! god, space continually reminds me how puny i’m, and that death is permanent and that my consciousness is temporary and will one day cease to exist forever and even when life hurts so much sometimes i just want to exist to experience nothing;  like i won’t even experience nothing because i won’t be there to experience nothing. being a floating consciousness in nothingness is at least something. i know i won’t care about being nothing when i am nothing but i am something right now and i hate and fear and cry at the idea of being nothing. fuck my existential angst !

tbh, i’m as excited as the next person that we’ve hit this milestone and now have a picture of a real blackhole, but it’s super frightening at the same time when i remember that there is a goddamn blackhole in our milky way. the one that will most likely destroy earth one day, if our own sun doesn’t burn us up first. obviously we wouldn’t ever be engulfed by the blackhole within our lifetime, but the thought of a definitive end to all humanity always really freaks me out royally.

this is largely because one of the things that i hope will come of my life is that i will do something long lasting. i don’t want to be like everybody else who just floats away into oblivion and not really experience life. you know what i mean ? like they exist but they don’t make an impact on the society and actually strike that, they don’t even make an impact on their own life. i’m ambitious and i want to have no regrets when i die. i mean, i want to at least make an impression on at least one person or two, who would tell stories about me (hopefully with admiration). i want to create art and stories that will hopefully be passed down or rediscovered generations after i have passed away. i like that humans have culture and remember people who have died for so long that people still speak their name hundreds of years after anyone was able to live at the same time as them.

basically, what i’m saying is, i hope humans never stop learning or growing and exploring the boundaries of life and universe.  a lot of us are hurting the planet as well as each other, but there’s so much good being smothered by all of that and i don’t want it to just go away. i hope humans can redeem themselves and may be find a new earth or change our earth.  i hope that we can somehow harness blackholes. i hope we can outlive our sun. anything that will keep the good aspects of humanity going. hell, i’ll even take the off chance that other intelligent lifeforms adopt our remains and learn to read and decipher our books and art, whether it be aliens or a species among us that evolve to a similar state of mind.

i want to be immortal. i want the chance to live forever. not literally, but through the ages, through words and culture and history. i don’t want humanity to go extinct to the point of there being no evidence of whatsoever.