hey, you lovely people of the internet, i thought i’d like to post a lil life update, because i’m just very content these days
firstly a lil shout out to my hair which transforms itself into a 40s or 50s do & no, i didn’t do this on purpose as trying to achieve this do on purpose never works.
due to personal reasons, as in lack of motivation and more interesting distractions, i haven’t been very active lately and all through the month of may i walked around with my edges curled with insurmountable sadness.
apart from that, i’ve been going out a lot lately. i started dating some new people, which is becoming more and more time consuming but i’m also very happy at the moment. lots of dreamy, surreal nights, and tonight, as we had free ice cream for dinner at a new bar in my neighbourhood, it finally started to feel like summer 🌼
i kind of realized that i’m not giving myself a chance at happiness and so new people (age is no more relevant) if they can hold my attention by conversing with me intelligently and if they want to go out for a dinner or coffee, i’m saying yes. but as i’m not seriously looking for a mate, i’m having a ball & have rules for the blokes…ie have to be an active christian and a sabbath keeper. as coelo puts it, i closed some doors not because of pride, incapacity, or arrogance but simply because they lead me nowhere
italian and i raced our cars recently on memorial day weekend and it was super fun ! thinking of finally getting my passport done so i can get away for a weekend or two and also as my dates are offering to fly me out here or there and oh why not as long as i get back before my kids start missing me – but i don’t think i would do any of that fun traveling at least this year tho.
but before any of that, i’m so looking forward to a camping trip in june ! i can’t wait to go back and trek on appalachian mountains ! there’s nothing more dreamy than camping and dancing (it would just be me) and getting wild in the nature together with my church folks.
my boys warriors have over come all kinds of odds and are crowned as the western conference champs and are sitting pretty and though i am pleased that raptors are in finals and tho they have parallels with warriors, i still think my boys will prevail and take the championship with steph curry as mvp… durant is still out. all in all it should be a great basketball event and i still would love it even if warriors lose (think positive thoughts, think positive thoughts).
i recently started reading arundhati roy’s “the god of small things” and gosh this book tho ! i am totally speechless and my eyes are misting with happy memories when i read through the book especially those parts which evoke memories of my childhood (as the book is set in india). but this book itself is sad. as it’s my habit, whenever i love something, i tend to savor it slower than i want to and thus extend my pleasure and so i would read a lot of pages in a bit and then i force myself to not touch the books and then i ruminate on the passages which i just read through. i keep wondering how long did it take her to write this book as each and every sentence is packed with meaning.
i watched a great amazon series “fleabag” – it’s about badass women like me who have gone through a lot and have hard time doing anything other than exactly what they want to do !!
my vegan diet has ups and downs – up as i am making an effort to cook and eat healthy and down because somedays i just don’t have motivation and i find myself eating goddamn french fries. oh i got myself a case of mangoes and the smell of the mangoes !! it’s something else, i keep getting transported back to my childhood days of eating indian mangoes (these are mexican) pregnant with sweet nectar and enchanted smells… the hot summers in india… the dry dusty roads, sleepy afternoons, the sugar cane man who comes in the afternoons, the big ass blue bottle flies attracted to the rotting fruits, and me up a mango tree with a book and a cat ! am i getting old and nostalgic ? perhaps…
so i fitted another puzzle piece to my asthma… i figured my breathing if shallow and off as, a while ago i had panic attacks and dreaded breathing, and this rendered my diaphragm weak and nonfunctional. i started working on my chest and diaphragm during my free times, or whenever i get a chance, i started to work on my breathing and on strengthening my diaphragm.
i guess all that pollen & humidity and so i gave in a took a course of steroids – while i was on steroids, (oral), i’m almost panicky because i know that bloating & weight comes back – and one of those days, here i was having that inner battle with myself when american boy came bouncing to my desk demanding why i scheduled a particular meeting when he will be away in july – i was almost saintly even though i really wanted to slap him back into his place. but i decided i will be an adult & dealt with him while grinding my teeth.
train journey now-a-days is painful as it’s getting hotter and the train cars are fewer and we are all getting packed in like fish in a sardine can. the other day, a man smelling of cigarette smoke came and sat in the seat behind me and i can still smell him. i was still thinking about if i should move and getaway from this ashtray and not give myself a cancer when a woman came and sat next to me (i was on the aisle side and she was in the middle of a three seat) and i swear, she smelled of stale cunt and i was thinking what were you doing before you actually got on the train ? so here i was caught between an ashtray and a day-old cunt and i was completely immobilized with these smells and only saving grace was the guy in my opposite seat with who i was playing tag with our eyes. and a few weeks ago, i was on a late train and this guy comes and sits next to me with really strong perfume & oh lord, i was sick to my stomach and nauseous and for the rest of my train ride, i contemplated whether or not to throw up on him or not.
after memorial day, two days in a row, i got home to tornado warnings & soaked to skin… i was a bit panicky as i have 17 cats and i wasn’t sure how to get them into a closed room – my friend was telling me, get into the bathtub with them, and then he adds, preferably a bathtub without water… le bastard !
lavender skies are spreading about as i settle down to watch the game 2 of the basketball. i’ve been dancing with the shadows and i’ve been wasting my time just to see happiness crawl back into bed. i’ve been there and done that. i’ve tried everything just to understand how i should act when i no longer know myself. i’ve been through so much as of late… i do feel like it’s not possible to love myself sometimes… but when i remember your kindness. it does it get better. i’ll always try to keep my demons at bay. i want to take you with me to all the places i go inside my head, but i bruised my lips saying your name. if hell lives in the gap created when i lost you, and still you are in my dreams, like it’s rea. and i know that moonlight only dances when it’s shining in your eyes, and though i’m only whole when you’re beside me, you still take all the air with you when you leave. like i have loved you a hundred years ago, and i have flashbacks from the love i lost. i know we spend half of our lives searching for a soulmate and heart breaks when we least expect it, but i have been lucky as the right person found me. you’re still someone i write about, but i’m all out of prayers – please fold my hands.