reminders

so fall is officially here and september is passing without all those cold damp days !!  my heart and soul have yearned all year for short days, crisp air, and leaves of red and gold drifting slowly to the ground. i thrive in autumn. in autumn, it feels as though i can finally breathe. i am ready for cozy blankets, homemade apple pies, pumpkin candles, fuzzy socks, the smell in the air as the wind blows cool. i am wholeheartedly ready for autumn.

i love wearing oversized sweaters, eating soups, crunch leaves, aargh !! i am alive !!

as i’m writing this, my cat petals is next to me dreaming of something and making soft noises. i’ve come to realize that i’m living in some sort of valley even tho the mountains, are not actually mountains, but they are a respectable hills… i’m super excited for fall to arrive to paint the trees with beautiful strokes of orange, red, yellow… i live in an eden, y’all !

my boys patriots have been marching towards superbowl whatever, crushing their opponents, creating unnecessary drama (aka atonio brown) and they have been better than they were before. on my health update: past week has been a bit rough for me as i was mostly “light headed”. i think the prednisone had functioned only way too well and my lungs were completely open and i was breathless for completely different reasons. well i immediately stopped taking prednisone monitoring my breathing and keeping myself consciously focused. also i was the first one to get a flu shot for this season.

i’ve been interviewing as people keep bugging me. but i have set my salary high as i really don’t need to look for another job.

the biggest update of my life is :  the coop girls from work and i have formed an investment group and we are planning to invest in various joint ventures. i am thrilled to bits because this actually challenges me as i am not made to work from 9 to 5. i have tried to no end to get more skills from the goddamn department where i work, but that came to no fruition. what pisses me off more is that none of those people, i approach got no balls to tell me that they don’t want to teach me. but despair not ! i have found others who are willing to teach me and take my help.

the girls whom i have come to think of as my daughters, and i work at a lot of logic puzzles and when we chat we are always talking about our careers, future and us being feminists. i really think they look up to me as their mentor, and they have a lot of admiration for me and vice versa. they are young and getting started on their lives and i am really happy to make that impact on their lives and even if they take a nanobyte of what i taught them and apply to their lives, my purpose is done. i  really think as humans, we should be more than a simple mammal which eats and poops… i need to challenge myself and excel. and working on investing gives me that outlet. i’ve given myself five years to stabilize my life which was upside down with my husband’s death and i’m patting myself on my back as it’s not yet year three, and i’m well ahead of the schedule !

the girls the other day did the sweetest thing for me. in passing i mentioned to them i love when someone leaves me notes. and both my husband and my love julien used to leave me notes and i miss that a lot. so on monday, when i went to work, my whole monitor was filled with post it notes and they were quite creative. i laughed so much and also, i fucking teared up ! i need to bring those notes to my home so i can cherish them when i am old and sitting in a rocking chair with a couple of kitties on my lap.

already buying a house went on a back burner this year and in lieu of that i thought of buying another suv, and was debating between bmw x7 and bmw x5 and i have finally settled on x5, but i think i am gonna push that to the back burner till next year.

i’m quite pleased with myself lately as i’m very energized and seemed to be on the road to healing. the darkness seems to be making way to light, sun, humor and best of all, the feeling of doom is slowly going away..

missing my husband a lot. i mean it’s five years already and why the fuck can’t i forget ?  i went out with the boy and sat a table for five in a moroccan restaurant, that exclusively played classical music, and he assured me that i should write more poetry and that the world would listen if i spake….. i told him he should get laid, preferably by me. i was there before, soon after my husband had died. i remembered looking around me through my tears and secretly hoping someone would fall in love with me.  it was ages ago and i have paved my ways with my teeth… constantly grinding them and tightening them.

life was strange and always always hard for me. i constantly remind myself of the good friends, lovers who saved me from ending it all. tears and more tears. i have seen good and bad. went through a lot and through it all. i haven’t learned much. but i have given up on fighting and wanting. lather. rinse. repeat.

when my love julien died, i’ve thrown away all of my calculators since i’ve seen last of him. i no longer needed to measure the speed of my blood which flows in my vein when he walked towards me.

i grew weary. who is it that said our beds are crowded with the ghosts of our past ? i don’t have many ghosts but i have bitter shadows. the boy is away for his work and i keep waking up to the sound of my heartbeat. i’m writing a poem for him in the shower. i often find myself in the grips of loneliness. is this what love is ? or is it the myth of love…

the boy assures me. he is ready to marry me. he pledged that he will be faithful to me. i told him, once, twice, on repeat… i don’t care for his promises; as long as you are open and honest with me. all i want from him is that he won’t forget. i want to be able to look at a mirror and not see the ghosts of my past who dug their graves inside me. if i were to be a cemetery to all these ghosts, i at least want to be able to have a garden and not just be a rotting old coffin who houses all these ghosts. let me bloom. let me stretch my neck towards the stars & gather the warmth. let me water them with my tears. let me hold my skin together to house my withering spirit and not sink into the darkness. this is not a lament at being heart broken. this is just a simple wish to gather the moons, stars & wishes and put them in my pockets. after all, pants with pockets are really important when the nights are this cold and dark.

sunset kisses

current exhaustion level: just tried to put glasses on when i was already wearing glasses, momentarily sporting two whole pairs of glasses on my face and only dimly thinking, something feels off….

finally it’s september ! ah september, the doorway to a season when i come alive ! it has finally cooled down enough for me to have the windows open all day and that has well and truly been (nearly) the only thing keeping me sane this week. but it’s got hot and humid again today. in a preemptive action, i started another course of prednisone. i think i have come to an understanding with this as i actually like breathing really well because of prednisone and am controlling my appetite, by skipping dinners or eating only fruits.

life is going as slowly as it could. i’ve been spending way too much time with humans lately and frankly it’s pissing me off. currently reading “girls burn brighter” by shobha rao and it is set in my home state (where they speak telugu) and boy i tell you…  today i came to a place where the girl is getting tortured because her father hasn’t yet paid the remainder of the dowry and i just was so upset, i had to slam the ipad shut and physically take myself out of my cubicle and had to take a walk to calm the fuck down !! then i went and ranted to mike as i was telling him that i was waiting to borrow this book. mike has recently joined out company and he still has that excitement of a freshly employed, and his eyes glow like dark marbles. he is a bit different and he impressed me when he told me that he gets up at 5 am so he can go work out and then read !! reminded me of my husband as he used to wake up at a god awful hour like around 2:30 – 3 am and go bicycling for couple of hours and come home and read till it’s time for me to wake up and he would bring me a cup of coffee to wake me up ! dude, i miss you so fucking much !

the other day “not ross” boy commented “i want to grow old with you but honestly achievement unlocked” because when we just rolled up to petsmart, he (and i realized) that we are accidentally wearing pastel pink outfits. umm, not sure what i should feel, and am i in a relationship now ? aargh ! i don’t wanna be in a relationship (throws a tiny tantrum), i like being single and not having to interact with any of the relatives !? and also can i get a free house in florida ?

the boy is considerably younger than i and i have absolutely no issues with that but i still think he should sire some kids but he detests children. a handful of days ago, i was coming home having discovered entirely new route which not only cuts my commute by 10 mins (driving) but also takes me through crops and open fields and i get to see sunrise every day and i’m happy and blissful to breath in fresh air and watch the skies and sun; but i digress as usual, anyway, i saw some sky divers in one of the open fields and i mentioned this to the boy and he immediately wanted to go and jump. on one hand i’m envious because the day i was supposed to go and jump out of a plan was the day (valentine’s day) i found out that i was pregnant; but i’m like “boy, i’m thinking of making you the step-papa for my kitties” and he said he wouldn’t mind being a dad to them. but i am just looking for a step-dad for my kitties as my husband will always be their dad. anyways, the boy went and jumped and i sulked on the ground.

now that summer is over, i started on my fall / winter self-care. here are a few of favorites : spraying some lush eau-de-parfume or eau-de-toilette after my shower / putting on a clean bra / undershirt and feeling super clean / dressing up just to go to a favorite french cafe on the weekends, ordering a nice croissant and chocolate cake and eating it in a small park near my house / putting on my favorite songs and listening to them on my bed while drifting off to sleep / going to those used book stores and browsing all afternoon (also, i would love to be kissed by ze american boy in a book store) / wearing agent provocateur panties / having orgasms. often. / eating home made fruit salads  / drinking tea and watch leaves fall / after dinner, walking around my neighborhood with my music on and peering at people through their windows

buttons (featured in one of my photos) is currently in that extremely hyperactive-kitty-cat-play-fever mode where if he sits still he’ll die and the slightest move on my part is met with tiny bites and swats and scampering and ten-foot vertical leaps and this is somehow both heart-meltingly cute and aggressively annoying BECAUSE I WAS JUST SITTING HERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS PLEASE DO NOT SLAP ME SIR….

sir !

sIR !

SIR !

my cats always make me a partner in their crimes. the other day after i got home and fed my kitties, and just after sundown, sonu was in super hyper crazy nocturnal predator bug-eyed mode and there i was indelicately lounging about on my bed, watching news or some other shit, and this boy just rocket launched himself face first in my no-fly zone. i literally got pussy slammed !

‘seize the day’ they say. and idid. i kept it in your eyes. those staring, unblinking, kind eyes. that poured with your love for me. i hid details of our conversations in your laughter. so that the next time you laugh by yourself you can taste this moment. the waves crashing over grey shores and taking with them the soft light of the sun setting over our lives. another day had passed. yet, that moment couldn’t be encompassed by time. it still remains untarnished in my memory. i go back to the ones i’ve left with to make me last for the rest of my days. i’m using the soul you’ve given me to last for another day. day after day. i didn’t know it was possible to yearn for something as much as i yearn for you. the way you looked up to me like i was the only one you wanted to talk to. how you already knew what i was thinking. how you shared with me your days like a way to seize the day, in my memory. till the time it fades like every frivolous thing. but i’m still holding on to the last flicker burning the candle wick, drowning under the september night. hoping the same sun rises once again.

minnu, sonu and the great outdoors !

is there any thing prettier than cats on leashes ?!?! my boys argue every weekend to let them out and when i do let them out, they run off when i blink for a second. so got leashes for my twin boys, and started training them to walk on leashes. over dramatic kitties as they are, they flopped about like fishies out of water, walked backwards, etc. but they finally figured out they can actually walk with the leashes on. my labor day weekend was completely dedicated to train my kids to walk on leashes. it’s actually fun because, now that fall is around the corner, i want to take them on walks in the hills and in the parks ! i hit a bit of a snag in my plan, as my two boys want to walk in different directions. for now i’m going on walks with one kid at a time (to end of my street that is) – so here are the kitties on leashes, feat. minnu (the striped tabby) and sonu (the very pretty midnight black boy) – so today’s walk was a bit short as it was bloody cold out and grass was wet ! my poor kitties’ feet were super cold, so i brought them back in 🙂

(2019/09/07)