current exhaustion level: just tried to put glasses on when i was already wearing glasses, momentarily sporting two whole pairs of glasses on my face and only dimly thinking, something feels off….
finally it’s september ! ah september, the doorway to a season when i come alive ! it has finally cooled down enough for me to have the windows open all day and that has well and truly been (nearly) the only thing keeping me sane this week. but it’s got hot and humid again today. in a preemptive action, i started another course of prednisone. i think i have come to an understanding with this as i actually like breathing really well because of prednisone and am controlling my appetite, by skipping dinners or eating only fruits.
life is going as slowly as it could. i’ve been spending way too much time with humans lately and frankly it’s pissing me off. currently reading “girls burn brighter” by shobha rao and it is set in my home state (where they speak telugu) and boy i tell you… today i came to a place where the girl is getting tortured because her father hasn’t yet paid the remainder of the dowry and i just was so upset, i had to slam the ipad shut and physically take myself out of my cubicle and had to take a walk to calm the fuck down !! then i went and ranted to mike as i was telling him that i was waiting to borrow this book. mike has recently joined out company and he still has that excitement of a freshly employed, and his eyes glow like dark marbles. he is a bit different and he impressed me when he told me that he gets up at 5 am so he can go work out and then read !! reminded me of my husband as he used to wake up at a god awful hour like around 2:30 – 3 am and go bicycling for couple of hours and come home and read till it’s time for me to wake up and he would bring me a cup of coffee to wake me up ! dude, i miss you so fucking much !
the other day “not ross” boy commented “i want to grow old with you but honestly achievement unlocked” because when we just rolled up to petsmart, he (and i realized) that we are accidentally wearing pastel pink outfits. umm, not sure what i should feel, and am i in a relationship now ? aargh ! i don’t wanna be in a relationship (throws a tiny tantrum), i like being single and not having to interact with any of the relatives !? and also can i get a free house in florida ?
the boy is considerably younger than i and i have absolutely no issues with that but i still think he should sire some kids but he detests children. a handful of days ago, i was coming home having discovered entirely new route which not only cuts my commute by 10 mins (driving) but also takes me through crops and open fields and i get to see sunrise every day and i’m happy and blissful to breath in fresh air and watch the skies and sun; but i digress as usual, anyway, i saw some sky divers in one of the open fields and i mentioned this to the boy and he immediately wanted to go and jump. on one hand i’m envious because the day i was supposed to go and jump out of a plan was the day (valentine’s day) i found out that i was pregnant; but i’m like “boy, i’m thinking of making you the step-papa for my kitties” and he said he wouldn’t mind being a dad to them. but i am just looking for a step-dad for my kitties as my husband will always be their dad. anyways, the boy went and jumped and i sulked on the ground.
now that summer is over, i started on my fall / winter self-care. here are a few of favorites : spraying some lush eau-de-parfume or eau-de-toilette after my shower / putting on a clean bra / undershirt and feeling super clean / dressing up just to go to a favorite french cafe on the weekends, ordering a nice croissant and chocolate cake and eating it in a small park near my house / putting on my favorite songs and listening to them on my bed while drifting off to sleep / going to those used book stores and browsing all afternoon (also, i would love to be kissed by ze american boy in a book store) / wearing agent provocateur panties / having orgasms. often. / eating home made fruit salads / drinking tea and watch leaves fall / after dinner, walking around my neighborhood with my music on and peering at people through their windows
buttons (featured in one of my photos) is currently in that extremely hyperactive-kitty-cat-play-fever mode where if he sits still he’ll die and the slightest move on my part is met with tiny bites and swats and scampering and ten-foot vertical leaps and this is somehow both heart-meltingly cute and aggressively annoying BECAUSE I WAS JUST SITTING HERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS PLEASE DO NOT SLAP ME SIR….
my cats always make me a partner in their crimes. the other day after i got home and fed my kitties, and just after sundown, sonu was in super hyper crazy nocturnal predator bug-eyed mode and there i was indelicately lounging about on my bed, watching news or some other shit, and this boy just rocket launched himself face first in my no-fly zone. i literally got pussy slammed !
‘seize the day’ they say. and idid. i kept it in your eyes. those staring, unblinking, kind eyes. that poured with your love for me. i hid details of our conversations in your laughter. so that the next time you laugh by yourself you can taste this moment. the waves crashing over grey shores and taking with them the soft light of the sun setting over our lives. another day had passed. yet, that moment couldn’t be encompassed by time. it still remains untarnished in my memory. i go back to the ones i’ve left with to make me last for the rest of my days. i’m using the soul you’ve given me to last for another day. day after day. i didn’t know it was possible to yearn for something as much as i yearn for you. the way you looked up to me like i was the only one you wanted to talk to. how you already knew what i was thinking. how you shared with me your days like a way to seize the day, in my memory. till the time it fades like every frivolous thing. but i’m still holding on to the last flicker burning the candle wick, drowning under the september night. hoping the same sun rises once again.