autumn mists

i have been driving to work lately as the trains have become increasing unreliable and the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back was when i had to go back home to get the car because the goddamn train broke down and i detest driving during rush hour as lots of morons are on the road at the same time. but in general i do love driving when no one else is on the road as i love to get lost in my thoughts as my brain is marvelous in thinking things and it has been amazing these few days weather-wise as it is after all fall and the trees are changing colors and i’ve been insanely happy during these glorious morning and evening commutes. i’m also listening to some webinars and other good stuff.

beautiful beautiful autumn ! every year i fall in love with nature and get lost in it’s brilliance of colors. here are a few of the photos of my morning commute where i’ve driven through mists and fog and lost in all of the beauty; the trees changing colors in my vale and my neighborhood and alas lots of yellows but not many reds :/ (i’ll post my evening one as well as it is also super amazing driving thru the dark, twisty roads, with trees towering and changing the landscape giving it a little spooky feel)

the first breath of autumn, the distance from my heart to you ! for what is the point in always looking back – we have our own twilights, shadows, mists and abysses.

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conversations

i pause my life on sundays to take stock at my life and reevaluate goals, and apparently i am doing a fucking good job with my life so far, and so big fat pat on my back. the biggest lesson i’m learning is that nothing is as extreme or as permanent as our emotions convince us they are. nothing is certain and things are always fluctuating and there are always exceptions and there are always mistakes. there is always pain and there is always love. everything is a delicate touch away from changing (feels like i have said this or wrote this before).

i like deep thinkers. i don’t like normal conversations and i look forward to intellectual conversations with my friends. people are so goddamn stupid and they can’t hold a convo if their life depends on it and not to mention most of it is fake and oh yes, i also talk shit as well about things of no importance because i’ve to socialize. usually i keep having a soliloquy at work to stop my brain from liquefying. some days it actually pains me to talk to people and i honestly think my conversations with my cats have more substance.

the boy is reading a book on egyptian literature (the tale of two brothers) as i am interested in egyptian civilization (ancient civilizations interest me like babylonia, mayan, incan, etc.) and he and i were reading in bed this morning as it rained and rained all morning and apparently there is a line in the book which goes like: “come, let’s spend an hour sleeping (together). you shall put on your wig.” wow egyptians ! needless to say, i would be borrowing the book to find out what that’s all about and how a wig can be an aphrodisiac.

i love the moments when i lie down in boy’s lap and listen to his ridiculous conversation. once he told me that there is heartbeat in my fingertips and he kissed my fingers. we always seem to have tumbled into a world of half awake and half asleep and i love to just listen to him rambling on and on about things which make no sense, but at the same time make a whole lot of sense.

this morning the boy and i were talking about my own feelings of self-worth in relationships (with my family, friends). and he asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, a total bitch etc. and he said “you named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you are” and y’all..my mind was blown that’s gonna stick with me forever like he then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about me that he likes and those which he thinks anyone else would like as well and i hadn’t even considered those because like he said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person and goddamn if that’s not love i don’t know what is !!

with this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. when people say the reasons that they love / like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them ? and are they equating your worth with how much you do for them ?

for example: “you’re such a good listener. you’re so generous, you’re so compassionate. you’re always there for me. you always hold me down. you’re reliable” versus (as the boy puts it) “you’re so funny ! you’re very vibrant. you’re creative, passionate, and intelligent. you’re optimistic. you’re so talented at cooking, (he added fucking as well)” etc. i think that’s very telling.

recently i was talking to a woman (who shall remain nameless) and she told me that she gets so happy when her husband does something trivial like make the bed. and when women says things like “my man washed a dish and cooked me a dinner once” and they are so goddamn proud of it; it makes me so sad for such women like you know, these women never have orgasms.

i recently read a story about how dutch police arrested a bird for its involvement in a store robbery (it belonged to the thief and so was caught red-handed with the thief) and so they put the bird in a cell as well with bread and water and when the news reported the story, they put a black bar over the bird’s eye to protect it’s identity and i promise you i’m not make this shit up and i cracked up and laughed so hard.

https://www.rtvutrecht.nl/nieuws/1963769/utrechtse-politie-pakt-vogel-op.html

speaking of cracking up, on friday, my colleague eric & i were conversing and he once was looking for ketchup and i gave him some and then whenever i see ketchup packs, i started hoarding them for him. so i was telling him that, and he went, thanks i will get them from you on monday for my breakfast. and of course, you know i have to ask what breakfast needs ketchup. he said he puts ketchup on eggs and i was like “no, you don’t” ! and we had a debate and guys, i kid you not, americans are a bunch of weirdos. so naturally, i googled and i came across this article which forbade people from putting ketchup on eggs (scrambled or otherwise) which i promptly printed a copy for eric and gave him that. and i cracked up when the writer concludes the article with the following: “wait, but i like ketchup on eggs. what can i do ? talk to your dentist about getting your taste buds removed.”

well, another week is here and can you believe it, we have only a handful of days in 2010s ! brady and patriots had another victory, having won 8 games and still undefeated, and i can’t wait to see them in action when they are in philadelphia. while my fav football team is marching away gloriously, alas my fav basket ball team, golden state warriors, is still going through adjustments and recovering from injuries and i’m hoping they would recover quickly and become their ferocious selves.

words left unspoken things left undone. good night y’all, you beautiful internet people, see you in a bit.

2019/10/27

hello fall !

i feel that my ordering online (kitty food, makeup, groceries) is out of control as they come in boxes and our recycling (and trash) is on monday morning, and god help me, as it also rains the same time without failing, and i don’t like to leave the boxes out for the recycling collectors because they will get wet and turn mushy. so my downstairs is now full of boxes and we (my kitties and i) are hopping over them like they are obstacle course and i thought of cleaning up the downstairs and collapse the boxes so i can stack them up, but the lazy side of me proclaimed fuck it, we die like men !

i write “my husband” on here all the damn time like it’s nothing, but the minute i say that phrase aloud to another human being i feel as if i’ve aged fifty years. i’ve yet to say “my boyfriend” to another human being or even write it as i’m still not sure about that relationship and what am i, ten year old, and i feel silly and also, i don’t want to be in a relationship. the boy assures me that we don’t “have to be” in a relationship; but he always talks about marriage and yes dudes & dudettes, i want to get married (and not sin) to him but he is an atheist (also a meat-eater), and i don’t like to force people to convert or go to church just because of me. god knows we have enough of those who fill the pews at our churches… is this a test ? can i just stop being horny all the time and not think of sex for a couple of hours so i can become a nun and not deal with “i should marry this boy because i’m fucking him”. i can honestly say my brain thinks only three thinks on repeat; cats, sex, food and inserts other functions in between.

the past few days have been about reading and learning about diversifying my portfolio and researching on investing opportunities. i have learned so much and it actually makes me enjoy the process so thoroughly. i have also been working on my asthma aka getting off steroids; to this end, i have bought things to help me with breathing exercises. for the first time after all these years, i am hopeful that i will kick off asthma and be rid of the steroids. the boy and i giggle a lot when my face looks bloated on steroids, he says i look like a squirrel with nuts stuffed ! lol bastard !

i performed a procedure on my kitty boy, winter, last weekend. a couple of weeks ago, i have seen him limping around and is shying away from putting any weight on one of his front paws and i thought may be he sprained his leg or had a fracture when he was doing his victory lap around the first floor after he pooped (cats do that all the time) – so i gently checked his legs to see if he would squeal in pain but i got no reaction and i thought it might have been a sprain and so i gave him a couple of days to recover and if he was still limping then i would take him to the vet and in the meantime, i also got him started on antibiotics. but soon after winter stopped limping and i went about my business. but last weekend, i saw that one of his paws was puffier than the other. i was just about to go out to attend a real estate investors meeting, but of course, my kids are a priority for me, so i dropped everything and i grabbed him and checked his front paws and i found the problem. his claws have grown into the toe beans and like dug into the soft pads and it happened on both of the front legs. i called my vet to bring him but it being a sunday, the clinic was only for emergencies and usually she would make allowances for my kids, but she had an emergency and so i decided i would do the procedure (removing the ingrown claws) myself instead of waiting till monday; after all, i have dissected the fruit-fly brains and yep, winter was not pleased as one of the paws (the one he was not putting his weight on) had begun to get infected, but surgery i did and he almost bit me and was pissed with me for about two days. i got back into his graces by giving him catnip and other treats and i wanted to check his paw as he wouldn’t let me clean it with antibiotic cleanser after the procedure, and he was like “no, thank you !” but he was a good boi and he took his antibiotics when i gave him and he forgave his mama !

oh good news, we recently acquired another company and my boss tells me they do provide medications for pets and i am thrilled as it would be a bit less expensive (as we would get it for three month supply). also, i am planning to go to patriots v eagles game when patriots visit philadelphia and i want to have the seats as close to the patriots bench as possible, but alas, the tickets are currently at $900 + and i’m waiting for the ticket price to go down a bit but i may have to buy it almost at that price and unfortunately that would mean that yours truly will be going all by her lonesome self as the boy won’t buy his ticket at that price and that’s ok by me because i’m an adult and i can sit and shout all by myself. the american boy suggested that if i go to the stadium, i may be called names (as i am patriots fan) and i slightly enjoyed his concern (?) but fuck it, i am not missing out on this opportunity because eagles fans are a bunch of balls-less bullies. but i will be sporting pepper spray just in case !

ever since my husband’s death, i have learnt to grab life by it’s balls, and enjoy every minute of it.  life is not the same for everyone, we have to find moments to make it worth living. sometime its just a smile, an innocent face, a moment from past. we see many people everyday with tired faces, tired of their current situations though they have everything in life. i don’t understand why they complain so much in spite having everything ! my mother used to say, it’s very important to be content with what you have ! otherwise you will always be unhappy ! i’m glad to say that in spite of everything, and all the sadness i have to trudge through i remember to cherish the things which i have and love to live ! the most beautiful thing i see when i drive through the impoverished areas of my city is to  see the smile on the faces of the poor children. they have no achievement, no money, nothing to cherish at all yet they have a beautiful smile on their face, not like the fake smiles i see being put on everyday…

my lover tells me that it’s okay to be emotional and soft, but there’s a time and a place for everything. sometimes you need to be stern, sometimes you need to be a pillar when everyone around you starts crumbling down— people that you love will need someone to hold on to when things get rough. be that person for them. kindness goes a long way, he tells me. my wild spirited flower is growing down the right side of his heart— he has the lightest beauty marks on the right side of his neck. you would have loved to meet him

to live an enchanted life, simply fall in love with the nature around you. idk how to describe it exactly but i really love how hearty fall is. like it’s all refreshing weather, strong earthy smells, sturdy boots and thick knit sweaters, bold colors and warm, filling meals like soup and mash potatoes and oatmeal with golden syrup on top. it’s the comfort season.

i think i am on verge of something wonderful !

2019/10/13