conversations

i pause my life on sundays to take stock at my life and reevaluate goals, and apparently i am doing a fucking good job with my life so far, and so big fat pat on my back. the biggest lesson i’m learning is that nothing is as extreme or as permanent as our emotions convince us they are. nothing is certain and things are always fluctuating and there are always exceptions and there are always mistakes. there is always pain and there is always love. everything is a delicate touch away from changing (feels like i have said this or wrote this before).

i like deep thinkers. i don’t like normal conversations and i look forward to intellectual conversations with my friends. people are so goddamn stupid and they can’t hold a convo if their life depends on it and not to mention most of it is fake and oh yes, i also talk shit as well about things of no importance because i’ve to socialize. usually i keep having a soliloquy at work to stop my brain from liquefying. some days it actually pains me to talk to people and i honestly think my conversations with my cats have more substance.

the boy is reading a book on egyptian literature (the tale of two brothers) as i am interested in egyptian civilization (ancient civilizations interest me like babylonia, mayan, incan, etc.) and he and i were reading in bed this morning as it rained and rained all morning and apparently there is a line in the book which goes like: “come, let’s spend an hour sleeping (together). you shall put on your wig.” wow egyptians ! needless to say, i would be borrowing the book to find out what that’s all about and how a wig can be an aphrodisiac.

i love the moments when i lie down in boy’s lap and listen to his ridiculous conversation. once he told me that there is heartbeat in my fingertips and he kissed my fingers. we always seem to have tumbled into a world of half awake and half asleep and i love to just listen to him rambling on and on about things which make no sense, but at the same time make a whole lot of sense.

this morning the boy and i were talking about my own feelings of self-worth in relationships (with my family, friends). and he asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, a total bitch etc. and he said “you named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you are” and y’all..my mind was blown that’s gonna stick with me forever like he then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about me that he likes and those which he thinks anyone else would like as well and i hadn’t even considered those because like he said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person and goddamn if that’s not love i don’t know what is !!

with this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. when people say the reasons that they love / like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them ? and are they equating your worth with how much you do for them ?

for example: “you’re such a good listener. you’re so generous, you’re so compassionate. you’re always there for me. you always hold me down. you’re reliable” versus (as the boy puts it) “you’re so funny ! you’re very vibrant. you’re creative, passionate, and intelligent. you’re optimistic. you’re so talented at cooking, (he added fucking as well)” etc. i think that’s very telling.

recently i was talking to a woman (who shall remain nameless) and she told me that she gets so happy when her husband does something trivial like make the bed. and when women says things like “my man washed a dish and cooked me a dinner once” and they are so goddamn proud of it; it makes me so sad for such women like you know, these women never have orgasms.

i recently read a story about how dutch police arrested a bird for its involvement in a store robbery (it belonged to the thief and so was caught red-handed with the thief) and so they put the bird in a cell as well with bread and water and when the news reported the story, they put a black bar over the bird’s eye to protect it’s identity and i promise you i’m not make this shit up and i cracked up and laughed so hard.

https://www.rtvutrecht.nl/nieuws/1963769/utrechtse-politie-pakt-vogel-op.html

speaking of cracking up, on friday, my colleague eric & i were conversing and he once was looking for ketchup and i gave him some and then whenever i see ketchup packs, i started hoarding them for him. so i was telling him that, and he went, thanks i will get them from you on monday for my breakfast. and of course, you know i have to ask what breakfast needs ketchup. he said he puts ketchup on eggs and i was like “no, you don’t” ! and we had a debate and guys, i kid you not, americans are a bunch of weirdos. so naturally, i googled and i came across this article which forbade people from putting ketchup on eggs (scrambled or otherwise) which i promptly printed a copy for eric and gave him that. and i cracked up when the writer concludes the article with the following: “wait, but i like ketchup on eggs. what can i do ? talk to your dentist about getting your taste buds removed.”

well, another week is here and can you believe it, we have only a handful of days in 2010s ! brady and patriots had another victory, having won 8 games and still undefeated, and i can’t wait to see them in action when they are in philadelphia. while my fav football team is marching away gloriously, alas my fav basket ball team, golden state warriors, is still going through adjustments and recovering from injuries and i’m hoping they would recover quickly and become their ferocious selves.

words left unspoken things left undone. good night y’all, you beautiful internet people, see you in a bit.

2019/10/27

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