fate

i have become bold in recent days, stripping each layer of myself, becoming hopelessly vulnerable again.i thought  i dreamt that i had something to say but i didn’t wake up in time to tell you. i have been a shadow and a hostage in your hands. i squeeze my fists together, the redness turning white, bare bone begging to be covered by your fluttering lips. but you won’t know me and you won’t come back. in this universe, i’m quite wide awake under the orange sky, my heart butterfly opened by a car crash dream. in another universe, i’m small and happy on a passenger seat, with you driving. like i imagined countless times. look, there is another broken dream lodged in my teeth. it’s almost tomorrow somewhere, but here now, today, feels like a tomorrow. i already had another life and in spite of doing my best to take a train departing to the opposite direction, here i’m at the same train station, holding onto the ticket for happiness and a clenched jaw. i thought i was getting better facing my darkness.  because whatever happens later, i’ll never escape what i’m. all these twisted, broken thoughts, please tell me they’re not all i’m…

i don’t know how to say that i’m happy for you with a smile on my face. how do you look someone in the eye that you love and tell them that you’re happy they found someone else ? i do so and i can feel my heart exploding inside my chest. but i’m happy for you, i truly am. i’m happy you’re happy, i just will always wish it was with me.

i wish you knew i will miss you in the loving ways and at least i didn’t lose you to death this time !

adieu american boy !

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