delicate

what’s with the boys i date (or marry) and kayaks ? the boy declared that he would like us to go kayaking, as soon as the weather permits and i’m like you are insane because i’m pretty much convinced that i would drown in my own bath-tub… i hate any activities on water, like tubing (which i did and felt that i may drown), boating (which i did and felt that i may drown), almost surfing (and pretty much drowned) ! one of the guys i date a while back (before i was married), wanted us to go to belize on his boat or a yacht or whatever the goddamn thing americans buy and so no my dear boy, we ain’t doing that or to be precise, i’m not doing any kayaking but you may !

also we are thinking we will go salsa dancing (i do dance salsa, the boy doesn’t as he is a neanderthal) and take a language class possibly german or japanese. when i realized that i might take any class with the boy, something awakened in me…. like in a kinky sort of way….. like it makes me wet just to think that !

i forgot to mention but i did go to a therapist. i sat at the edge of my chair, didn’t even remove my jacket,all my stuff on my lap. as soon as the introductions were done, i told him that i may not talk or worse, i may run away as that’s the best thing i always good at. he said not to worry but to just chat. he was picked by my doctor but if i decide to continue i may find someone nearer to my home.

healthwise, i have gone back to the gym #hallelujah, #praise the lord and hopefully i will stay but i may quit the gym at my work and continue the one near my house. and oh, remember my cholesterol being almost 220 !?! my doctor repeated the test because she wasn’t certain and it’s normal levels now and everything is peachykeen but she wants to repeat it again in about three months which is fine by me. come next week, i am thinking of moving my money into government bonds as the market is quite uncertain due to corona. speaking of corona as my boss & others travel a lot, i may opt for flexible work place option and work from home as i have no interest in contracting flu or corona as people in general are very unhygienic and no consideration for other people. and one of the other reasons why i was driving in every day was because of other passengers in public transportation.

february is coming to a close and la de fucking da ! i could have done without the goddamn heartache. and wow my emotions really are hot garbage this week huh. i cried a river, build a bridge and got over it. i bit off a piece of golden thread and wove the strand through the pieces of my heart with a needle – to hold myself together. then i listened to sad and angry and beautiful music and i wrote about everything that makes the world stop and also what makes it spin again. i went and had a coffee with the boy and we hiked and biked to a forest, took a nap for an hour, fucked hard on the still cold ground, and got dirty from lying on the ground but didn’t care about it. i know that that the fractures seal and they may leave a scar but like a broken leg, i have learnt to dance with a limp before and sense the rain is coming by the ache. i honestly think, it wasn’t that bad of a heartbreak anyway because in my heart of hearts i knew he wasn’t for me but sometimes i am dumb, what can i say ? my friends think that i should raise a flag of my hideous act of dumbness ! but great things came out of this as the boy promised he will go to church with me this sabbath and i’m like achievement unlocked ! now if i get him to return tithes and to have him go to church with me every week, half the war is won (also may be have him become a vegetarian) ! but baby steps !

our story starts small. starts with bread crumbs and becomes constellations. our hands a postage stamp to explore each other. our hearts tethered by a thread. at night we have lain awake, naked for a story that started mid sentence. untraveled roads and unraveled dreams. someone else’s language on my tongue with an aftertaste of other people’s name. like i am supposed to be somewhere else. like you carried me elsewhere. this is all just sweet happenstance. we can call it hope. we can color it lemon yellow and bright blue like a prism of our seeing and meeting.

i hope this won’t be necessary but let it be known that this too will pass. pain is temporary and so are the situations.

one day i’ll be having my christmas dinner with the family i chose, maybe i’ll have gone to another, colder country to make it really feel like christmas, and i’ll watch the grinch, and i’ll never remember the past and all i have to do is wait for the storm to pass.

there’s nothing i can’t endure. i’ll just start making a plan and slowly organize my next life.

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