week 6 – shelter in place

i used to start an email with “hello” or “hi” but now a days it’s “i hope your family and you are well” and clearly i feel a bit hypocritical as obviously i don’t give that many fucks if they are well or not and also obviously i would have heard about it if they aren’t. yours truly is slowly turning into a lazy, slow bean with crusted crankiness and i have feeling that i may also be morphing into a cat.

speaking of cats, you know how parents buy same thing for all their kids as they think that the kids would fight ? i have realized that i’m doing the same but not one each for my kitties but one for them and one for me as my kids emulate me in every thing. like seriously every thing ! if i get myself a bowl of cereal, they want the same, so i am a bit hesitant to give them almond milk, so i get them a bowl of cereal (a few flakes) with half & half; and they want my ipad when i want to read, so then can play, and now i have two ipads (don’t ask)… a pillow for me and a pillow for them as they would like to sleep on the pillow ! well you get the picture.

i’ve been observing my kitties a lot, and the way they eat their meal; so much class ! they take delicate, tiny mouthfuls, eyes half closed in savoring the pleasure of the moment, and pausing to make sure their faces and mouths are clean between the mouthfuls, and cleaning around their mouths with a little toss of their heads, and then once finished, they try to bury the food….. they are kind to each other and grooming each other with such tenderness. obviously, they also have moments, when they try and swipe at each other.

i’m seriously running out of projects to do as it’s still cold to put my plants out and plant the bulbs. i have been cooking and experimenting with various stuff for example, i made tortilla española, the other day and as i have no cheddar cheese i put brie and not a good combination i assure you. the boy ordered some steaks online (omaha steaks) thinking he will get them immediately and his face, lmao, was so funny when he found out that the delivery date is may 1. serves him right for eating the flesh of an animal.

i recently started watching “the expanse” after trying to not watch it for a long time as it’s more political than i would like in sci-fi stories as i would like shows which explore alien worlds and come in contact with aliens instead of trying to not wage wars with your species who colonized in other worlds. but i must say, it is gripping to an extent and didn’t bore me a lot. i especially liked the usage of “donkey balls” as one of the code words for martian black ops. lol also crushing on the outfits of chrisjen avesarala though, gosh, hate her grating voice.

and the boy has been watching i, claudius and despite my best efforts not to educate myself or enrich my life in any way, i find the show hard to ignore, and i’ve even been accidentally enjoying it sometimes, mostly because it has brian blessed featured extremely prominently, acting the way brian blessed always acts, and i mean, one cannot simply look away from brian blessed

we all like to complain about this quarantine but for some people, these times are much more difficult to manage. tonight, we think of them.

there are so many small things to be grateful for – aliveness, safety, people we love -our days are being spent reading, sitting on the threshold of the french doors in the sun, drinking coffee and playing as much music as we can. we sing and dance and go for walks and open our windows and lie in bed listening to the birds.

in the evenings we sometimes call our friends and families to say hello. boy kept some of the notes which i gave him, and he kept the note “see you friday, love you !” tucked in the bathroom mirror.

i’ve taken on new projects hoping they will fill my time enough to not worry. i sorted through all the books. i am reading the things i was putting off. our tiny home is a happy place but growing small; i’m trying to see new corners all the time.

week 5 – shelter in place

“life is a tragedy to those who feel and a comedy to those who think” –  molière

today i was nearly late for work as i woke up late and i have this lengthy commute to work as i’ve travel from my bedroom to the closet and grab my laptop. i woke up late as one of my kids woke me up around 4 am because he has this anxiety when he needs to poop and was crying so i woke up and sat with him while he shat. and the mother of the century award goes to, ta ta da da da…. me !

usually (now-a-days that is) i wake up without an alarm, but at a normal time which was certainly a great way to start the day. yesterday had a productive meeting regarding this scientific work regarding covid which i have been contributing to and then did some stretches and had a shower. after that the boy and i decided to use our time in a better way… making scones ! we made white chocolate chip scones and had one fresh out of the oven with jam and cream. it was amazing !

as the days of this quarantine going by i just have so little motivation to do anything. i don’t want to do any work. i just want to laze around and do nothing really.

i had therapy last week and that was quite helpful. we did a grounding exercise and short meditation which helped to calm my nerves and anxiety and then chatted a lot about my family set up, growing up and of course dealing with the current situation. my therapist is still getting to know me so we haven’t gone into anything super deep yet but we are getting there and that’s a good thing.

as we have to create our own entertainment, i proved to the boy that i could make a great burlesque dancer by eating a banana in a most seductive manner and he did a strip tease for me.

on a sad note, my ballet teacher tatiana k. passed away due to old age.

and over the weekend or last week there were protests to lift the quarantine ! i mean, really !! what the fuck people ? this is not an optional setup ! and my heart really goes out to the people who must work to get money so that their families can eat but i see no viable solution here. the boy and i have donated monies to my church and to other charities who are identifying such workers and giving them help. but this is not a long term solution and i am trying to come up with various scenarios when and how this country may open up to the public. to be honest, i’m not sure if i would return to work this year even if we are asked to return to work.

my city just put out the order: masks in public for everyone. with that said, i’ve been in at a grocery store and within about five minutes i already confirmed the fact that “americans are not an intellectual people, to say the least” in a big way.

couple things:

  1. wearing a mask is a preventative measure designed to keep you from spreading the virus to others if you’re an asymptomatic carrier. the point of everyone wearing masks is that everybody keeps their own germs to themselves just in case. it’s not meant to keep you safe from the virus by wearing it, but to keep others safe from you if you have it but don’t know it.

that said,

  1. it doesn’t work like that if you’re constantly touching your mask and taking it off.

if you’re carrying the virus, the mask stops you from coughing or sneezing or spitting it all over the environment. but that means that all your germs are concentrating on the mask. so when you touch it, you’re taking whatever germs were in your lungs / nose / mouth and getting it on your hands. then, when you touch things in your environment you’re wiping those germs on whatever you touch.

we know that there are surfaces where the virus can’t survive for long. but it doesn’t take long for someone to pick up the package you just touched after messing with your mask, or touch the cart you just put back, or to touch the handle of the door you pulled on when they walk in right after you. and then, when they go to play with their mask, guess fucking what ! stop touching your masks! it’s not a fashion accessory. it’s effectively a part of your body as long as you’re wearing it. don’t touch your eyes, your mouth, your nose, and don’t touch your mask !

and then i go to the cashier who is a young child and wearing gloves and i was glad about that but once she checked me out, she pulled one of her gloves off and put that in her mouth. and i stood there and lectured her for over 20 mins explaining why she wasn’t supposed to do that.

wallow in all this negativity for a while as we have no other choice – but only for just a little. give yourself the time to experience the losses. but of course, you gotta know when to get yourself back up and let go, which i know is easier said than done. but you’ve got to. otherwise, it might just keep spiraling down and you’d continue to be caught up on everything that went south or that you lost on. let go or be dragged.

april is almost gone. there was a sense of goodness in the way you waved from my sky.  i will follow your dandelion-hued sunlight. watch it break open my rib cage and reach for my heart. and make it soft. and spin it and turn it into gold. i’m still waiting for the right moment for my dreams to snowball into something less like a different lifetime. maybe i’ll discover all the fairy lights and dusty dreams and tender souls somewhere in you. maybe i’ll unearth all the wonders and the memories long forgotten. i’m waiting for it. waiting for time to unfold my fists and curve down my spine like waterfalls.

 

week 4 – shelter in place

pink moon

only to the moon will i tell all my secrets. this week’s highlights in some pictures. there was pink super moon and because of the weather,i took this shot of the moon on 8th i think.

some of the excerpts from my kids photos. my kids finally stopped judging me silently for staying home 24 / 7 instead of going to work and toiling to bring home their roast chicken; my kids though eyed me suspiciously, soon realized the benefits of me being home, like they can get food every two minutes.

i have taught my baby girl skittles to play the ipad mouse game and she taught the other kids…. well there isn’t much to the game but you do have to whack the mouse and i taught her that and she immediately learned as she is immensely smart and i swear to god she actually understands human language more than a few words like the other pets. i am also convinced that despite the language barrier, if i send her to school, she will master the program within few months and graduate with honors. i am immensely proud of that kid.

my boy sonu (the black kitty) is the best son a mum could have. zz, the tiny moron, still does the “i want my mum” routine where he regularly forgets that i’m upstairs and cries his heart out, and as he can’t hear on account he is deaf, i have to go and bring him upstairs (and he sleeps like this with one hand on my body);

IMG_1645

one day instead of getting up and run to the head of the stairs to let him know i’m home, i asked sonu, my lovely son, who is resting beside me, to go get him; i went, “sonu love, could you go bring him upstairs” and off sonu went and brought him upstairs which really surprised me to be honest. i thought this may be random thing but then again a couple of days later, mr. forgot-mum-is-home-so-i’ll-cry resumed crying, and i asked sonu again, and off sonu went to bring the boy upstairs. and this time around sonu wasn’t even in the same room and so i had to actually call him loudly. it made me tear up to be honest as sometimes i feel the emptiness of not having a human child (that is till i meet an actual human child and then i don’t regret not having any kids) as i think, my babies make it up thousand fold !

i continued to watch “walter presents” and for once, i found a tv show (icelandic) “the cliff” really worth watching and didn’t giggle at all like i always do. i also watched “the killing of the sacred deer” which made no fucking sense and i may also have thrown up a little in my mouth.  there is a new mystery featuring david tennant, my favorite doctor (doctor who) but it is in goddamn installments and i must wait every week.and oh, i purchased (from amazon) all the miyazaki (studio ghibli) movies as i never get tired of them and i enjoy watching them over and over. as also i enjoy reading adventures of tin tin (and i own the entire set of books) and asterix (again own the entire set), i sometimes wonder if i got stuck in my childhood and of course it doesn’t surprise me a bit on account of lost and traumatic childhood where it’s not so much of parental stress but mostly of society. that story for a non-quarantine times.

this weekend, we enjoyed my sunny, quiet backyard during this time of distance. reflecting on my own mind, which i have silenced with a constant business. as difficult as this all had been, i am looking to stay positive and focusing on healing. reopening my mind and challenging it without expectation.

i have spent such a long time standing in place, only moving forward when propelled and prompted. the past might continue to splinter me here and there, but i’m no longer young and naive to remain still and fractured in my little corner of the world. we wander around often blindly like our eyes still feel the sting from the voices who told us we were too much and yet not enough. our backs hunched and our hands covered with burned loves and still questioning how to stop the tremors. the young years have crippled us, left us mad and doubtful right in the margin between an old memory and a blooming possibility. you’re going to survive all of this, i urged quietly to my wrists, lips pressed against the scars. listen, i used to only know how to dissolve so quietly that no one else can feel it, but i think i’m learning how to compromise less and expand more.

week 3 – shelter in place

we are living in a world of sorrows and a valley of many many tears; tears for us, tears for others; i keep chanting, wake up early; exercise; drink good coffee; stop worrying; less screen time. read books, buy books. have a bowl of honey nut oats !

this week was ok and a bit anxiety stricken when my lungs tightened. here’s a fun fact. i’m never sure if my anxiety makes my lungs tighten giving me asthma or if my asthma, gives way to my anxiety and in a way they both are correct and it is like ouroboros. anyway, one thing i’m sure is when it’s goddamn humid out my lungs tighten and like a cat i always map an escape route, but this covid-19 situation put a spanner in my plans as i would rather not go to a hospital anytime soon, and i’m not sure my panicking brain would like that idea.

i had a mild anxiety attack because i was thinking about the hospitals and emergency rooms and how they must resemble a war zone like this show m.a.s.h which i watched ages ago, and how they must be overflowing with these covid-19 people and when i was young, i also spent a fortnight in an emergency area of a hospital (on account i was involved in an accident when my classmates and i went to north india for an field trip and i was so far away from my family or my hometown; and i get to see all kinds of farm accidents, burnt victims, etc) and i also overthought about how if i can’t subside my asthma i may have to go to the hospital (also because my inhaler is on back order; and also the boy was’t home) – fun times !

it is breaking my heart to read about so many unnecessary deaths and all because humans have this need to eat the flesh of animals ! and to top it off, why the fuck people not care about staying home just a few days to contain this ? on friday evening i was in my back yard with my boy kitties, so they can get fresh air and my neighbors were going on a walk together, together !! as if nothing is the matter and they invited me to go with them ! any other time, it’s fine but now a days a big fucking no ! i don’t want to come in contact with someone who i don’t live with. sorry ! i don’t know about all of you, but i have been doing shopping every two weeks ! i order a lot of things for delivery but majority of stuff i get in every two weeks so as to minimize my coming in contact with anyone (exception to this is i go to get veggies every couple of days but this is very late at night and i get in and out in 15 mins) – the two weeks period is so i can check for any symptoms developing just in case.

everything i buy (delivery & things i pickup) i scrub with paper towels soaked in soapy water. scrub scrub i go, the door handles and refrigerator handles, etc. the same goes to the financial times paper i subscribe. before i go out, i deposit fresh clothes by the door and once i get my stuff inside, i shed my clothes, wash hands, put on fresh clothes and toss the clothes in wash.

i have always been a germophobe and i went through phases where i carried my cell phone in ziplock bags (when i was working with hiv, hbv pathogens) and washed my hands raw with alcohol.

who knew life would be like this just because humans eat animal flesh ! i honestly feel like i am living through the scenes of walking dead (tho no zombies and thank the fuck people didn’t turn into zombies) when i go out late, no one is about except for a few people here and there in my neighborhood. mind you, i’m not complaining.

my pastor and elders check in on their congregation and they have a huge reservation about this boy i’m dating. their reservations are he is young and not a believer. and my reservation is he is not a believer. but whenever i look at him, i feel like peeling the layers of his brain to find out why he likes me as i try and keep people at bay, not giving an ounce of warmth till i actually get close to them and getting anyone close to me takes a few days to a few years ! it’s not like he has an ulterior agenda like he loves me because of money (as he makes more than i make) or because i’d make a trophy wife, though i could have been one but i chose academia over superficiality and to top it off, i’ve been a card carrying feminist since i was 15 and i never aspired to belong to a sorority. a slight tangent, what’s wrong with this country ? why do they strive so much to attract men and become fucking cheerleaders ? i heard that marilyn monroe had an iq of 145 or something but excuse me, any woman who has that high of an iq would never bleach her hair blonde, or bat her eye lashes to woo men and talk with barbie like voice and become a doormat for men who just want to use her. (the boy who is reading next to me is cheering me on and is telling me that he will bleach his hair blond for me and will bat his lashes; and i told him that he can suck my proverbial dick) i have been blessed in that i attract real good blokes who love my mind more than my looks and i can’t be thankful enough. this boy is loving and kind and witty;  one time someone asked me why i always keep my hair up (i don’t like to keep it down as i’ve awful lot of hair and i don’t like to brush and so after i wash my hair i wear it up) and the boy went, winking at her, “her hair comes down during the right times” and we all giggled like school girls ! but i still would like him to be a believer, keeping the sabbath, returning the tithes to god (and a vegetarian).

i have been aggressively buying stocks (i bought a bunch of tech stocks this week) with every penny i am saving and i decided i will continue to invest till end of july and in a couple of years i will be able to reap the cash.

we caved and ordered “contactless delivery” pizzas and gosh what a world we live in. i have reverted to the eating habits of my childhood; eat a complete meal including dessert, and coffee around 9 pm. also watched “nightflyers” on netflix and it was silly but interesting. as i haven’t born or raised in this country, i decided i will watch some old shows and started watching “green acres” (which is oodles of fun), and “alf” and lord, alf is really repetitive and not at all my cup of tea.

and oh, this week’s highlights include me cutting my own hair and trying to coax the boy to wax my lady bits as all this hair is annoying the hell out of me; so far he is not willing as he thinks he will hurt me. stay tuned !

there are beautiful things in the world worth fighting for. this long night we’ve come into, holds both nightmares and dreams; mark this passing as solemn time, to be energized, to adjust ourselves to what we should let go and what we should hold onto; all through this turmoil, let’s hope love will rise; bursting through these weeping tears, hope to shouts of transformation; hope our world will be a different place. a new season is dawning quickly for those who follow the pace and even though we can’t see the beauty of this seed, lo, it holds a brand-new way of life.