week 5 – shelter in place

“life is a tragedy to those who feel and a comedy to those who think” –  molière

today i was nearly late for work as i woke up late and i have this lengthy commute to work as i’ve travel from my bedroom to the closet and grab my laptop. i woke up late as one of my kids woke me up around 4 am because he has this anxiety when he needs to poop and was crying so i woke up and sat with him while he shat. and the mother of the century award goes to, ta ta da da da…. me !

usually (now-a-days that is) i wake up without an alarm, but at a normal time which was certainly a great way to start the day. yesterday had a productive meeting regarding this scientific work regarding covid which i have been contributing to and then did some stretches and had a shower. after that the boy and i decided to use our time in a better way… making scones ! we made white chocolate chip scones and had one fresh out of the oven with jam and cream. it was amazing !

as the days of this quarantine going by i just have so little motivation to do anything. i don’t want to do any work. i just want to laze around and do nothing really.

i had therapy last week and that was quite helpful. we did a grounding exercise and short meditation which helped to calm my nerves and anxiety and then chatted a lot about my family set up, growing up and of course dealing with the current situation. my therapist is still getting to know me so we haven’t gone into anything super deep yet but we are getting there and that’s a good thing.

as we have to create our own entertainment, i proved to the boy that i could make a great burlesque dancer by eating a banana in a most seductive manner and he did a strip tease for me.

on a sad note, my ballet teacher tatiana k. passed away due to old age.

and over the weekend or last week there were protests to lift the quarantine ! i mean, really !! what the fuck people ? this is not an optional setup ! and my heart really goes out to the people who must work to get money so that their families can eat but i see no viable solution here. the boy and i have donated monies to my church and to other charities who are identifying such workers and giving them help. but this is not a long term solution and i am trying to come up with various scenarios when and how this country may open up to the public. to be honest, i’m not sure if i would return to work this year even if we are asked to return to work.

my city just put out the order: masks in public for everyone. with that said, i’ve been in at a grocery store and within about five minutes i already confirmed the fact that “americans are not an intellectual people, to say the least” in a big way.

couple things:

  1. wearing a mask is a preventative measure designed to keep you from spreading the virus to others if you’re an asymptomatic carrier. the point of everyone wearing masks is that everybody keeps their own germs to themselves just in case. it’s not meant to keep you safe from the virus by wearing it, but to keep others safe from you if you have it but don’t know it.

that said,

  1. it doesn’t work like that if you’re constantly touching your mask and taking it off.

if you’re carrying the virus, the mask stops you from coughing or sneezing or spitting it all over the environment. but that means that all your germs are concentrating on the mask. so when you touch it, you’re taking whatever germs were in your lungs / nose / mouth and getting it on your hands. then, when you touch things in your environment you’re wiping those germs on whatever you touch.

we know that there are surfaces where the virus can’t survive for long. but it doesn’t take long for someone to pick up the package you just touched after messing with your mask, or touch the cart you just put back, or to touch the handle of the door you pulled on when they walk in right after you. and then, when they go to play with their mask, guess fucking what ! stop touching your masks! it’s not a fashion accessory. it’s effectively a part of your body as long as you’re wearing it. don’t touch your eyes, your mouth, your nose, and don’t touch your mask !

and then i go to the cashier who is a young child and wearing gloves and i was glad about that but once she checked me out, she pulled one of her gloves off and put that in her mouth. and i stood there and lectured her for over 20 mins explaining why she wasn’t supposed to do that.

wallow in all this negativity for a while as we have no other choice – but only for just a little. give yourself the time to experience the losses. but of course, you gotta know when to get yourself back up and let go, which i know is easier said than done. but you’ve got to. otherwise, it might just keep spiraling down and you’d continue to be caught up on everything that went south or that you lost on. let go or be dragged.

april is almost gone. there was a sense of goodness in the way you waved from my sky.  i will follow your dandelion-hued sunlight. watch it break open my rib cage and reach for my heart. and make it soft. and spin it and turn it into gold. i’m still waiting for the right moment for my dreams to snowball into something less like a different lifetime. maybe i’ll discover all the fairy lights and dusty dreams and tender souls somewhere in you. maybe i’ll unearth all the wonders and the memories long forgotten. i’m waiting for it. waiting for time to unfold my fists and curve down my spine like waterfalls.


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