week 16 – shelter in place

sitting on the kitchen counter, eating salted caramel ice cream (vegan of course) and listening to bach. i call that self-care

it’s been a while since i got to blog. my brain was taking notes but i didn’t get a chance to actually put them somewhere tangible. so life is going by with no ripples of any kind and i settled into a new pattern and enjoying life in its full glory.

of course life as such isn’t devoid of unpleasant stuff or anxieties but i have overcome them. i had to take care of two sick kitties, and one of them was zz, who was severely dehydrated. i wasn’t paying attention to his condition as i was told by my other vet that he has a chronic prob (or so i was told) where he regularly has coughing fits which ends up in him throwing up and nothing to worry about. oh well, i thought, as he was eating well and so apart from having to see him coughing so violently and feeling sorry that i couldn’t help him, i wasn’t paying attention. i give some milk to another one of my kitties for reasons and z boy helped himself to some of the milk as well. on top of this, i recently got my kids another variety of fancy feast dry food as their regular food isn’t available. all these ended up with him having diarrhea and as he already has his usual vomiting probs, the wee kid ended up with dehydration by the time i noticed. so i took him to the vet and got him some fluids but as he was severely dehydrated, i had to take him to get fluids every day for a whole week. and in the meantime, his appetite wasn’t great and so i had to feed him every couple of hours, a few bites each time so he wouldn’t throw up. and this whole thing got me so exhausted. my current vet told me that she would like to come back as kitty in my house in her next life lol.

and now z boy is a happy kitty, and after he got better, wouldn’t leave my side which makes me tear-up.

every day, early morning and evening hours my two boys (minnu and sonu) and i go out into our backyard, and while they contemplate on life and stuff in the great outdoors, i read books or garden.

i have become nostalgic for my home back in india and so i am recreating the garden of my parents home or i should say my mother’s garden. so i bought all these plants which we had and i am brimming with joy with anticipation of seeing my plants bloom as these are still seedlings. as these are tropical plants, i have to plant them in pots so i can move them indoors when it’s winter.

the other great endeavor i have taken upon is ‘orchids’ !! i want to have a green house at some point in my life and i thought of waiting till i buy my dream house which is currently eluding me, but i realized that time is going by so fast and i should do things i love now rather than wait. so i got myself some orchids, no greenhouse yet, and my time is now consumed in taking care of these guys along with my cats. but man, tho i love all plants, i am partial to orchids.

my garden is growing and my wild flowers started blooming and attracting the butterflies and i am pleased. i want more flowers but as i planted them late i shouldn’t blame them. on the whole my plants and my cats are making me incredibly happy.

alas the boy and i called it quits (or a pause) as it is pointless for me to drag him along as i have no intention of settling down with him. we are still friends (and may be with benefits) but i am cooling it a bit as not having sex doesn’t kill anyone.

i started re-reading adventures of tintin. and just for kicks, i also started rewatching movies my husband and i watched the cube movies, the english patient, session 9, etc. speaking of movies, i finally watched “sophie’s choice” as i always heard people use that phrase and they explained to me what it meant and now that i actually watched it,  i think people use “it’s like sophie’s choice” incorrectly. it actually means:

your children have died and your only choice left is death / suicide because you have no way out from your past, your pain, or the future. 

it doesn’t mean:

making a difficult choice or being unable to choose;  or going along blindly with the crowd or signing up for something you were reluctant about

on a side note, i know human race is evil and i just can’t grasp how anyone can harm someone else on purpose much less kill them and appalls me when little boys kill insects in particularly torturous ways. and so i can never understand how someone can kill small kids no matter what they thought like genocide, or wiping out a line so they don’t comeback for revenge. i keep thinking that such people, when they stand before god, how are they going to justify their actions and if anyone so much as say something like “god in the old testament was a very wrathful god and they did the same things”, i will slap you for your ignorance because god doesn’t change and he is full of love and merciful.

it also made me think about the #metoo movement which is a farce in itself because it was more about hating men than about being a woman which is sad. i keep thinking of the pivotal scene in sophie’s choice where she picks her son to keep over her daughter when forced to choose between them. i’ve noticed that a lot of women will often side with men and boys over their own gender. not always, but many times they will; far more often, it seems, than men will side with women over other men. i don’t think it’s an american thing, or a western thing, but i think it’s a human thing. even in children, boys are favored than girls. and a woman would go through the pains of pregnancy a hundred times to conceive a boy, like he will save her ! i don’t know if it’s cultural conditioning, or some kind of mass stockholm syndrome, or hormones, or something woven into our dna, or what; but it just seems when the chips are down and they have to choose, many women are more likely to side with men to the exclusion of other women, while men are more likely to stick together at the exclusion of women. hopefully this is less common than it seems, and if not, i sure hope it is fading away from our species.

stick together ladies. many of my fellow males will do whatever they can to keep women second class citizens with less wealth, less power, less say, than men have. if you divide yourselves for their favor, they will always have an unfair upper hand. and of course, as always there are exceptions to the rule and there are a few good men and my husband & my lovers included in that roll call and the rest of them are bastards.

now it’s quiet as we hush through glaring summer days as tho it’s winter and full of broken mirrors. silence is numbing down our brains. as i blink, looking into your tired eyes it’s all white around here, like it’s all snow and fairy dust, all collar bones and angles and angels and cotton

in the subtle changes over time, of a love that ebbs and flows, with wild flowers intertwined. i am trying to capture natures beauty through lens, or with cathartic writing. a kaleidoscope of alluring hues reflecting in droplets of morning dew. i can’t keep my eyes open in the glare of the summer light. remember how it used to be when it was warm enough for rain ? the rain washed away today’s scorching summer, to introduce a fragranced cool air in a delicate way. i am nostalgic for mangoes and lychees. but there’s not a soul in this lonely maze of void and emptiness – quiet, dear, for this must be the end of the world again but as someone said (campbell ?) the goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with nature.

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