memory is fickle, and our evaluations can have present bias, but i can’t remember a moment of pure euphoria, emotion and release such as friday night’s game between ma boys warriors and rockets (basketball game). it being a friday, i shouldn’t have watched the game but my anxiety and curiosity got better of me and after profusely apologizing to god for breaking his sabbath, i sat down on my bed, with my heart in my hands, and wrapped in a comforter just so i can duck into it and hide if things took a terrible turn. steph curry dislocated his fingers a couple of games ago and he couldn’t put ball in the basket even if someone gave him a wide berth. poor kevin durant as usual was putting in a spectacular fight and others are pulling their weight as well, but you know, every game was very tight and in my opinion rockets play dirty and unsportsmen like game as harden is notorious for intentionally causing others to foul by taking advantage of this fucking loophole in nba rules and then to make matters worse kd got injured in game 5 and was out for an indefinite period. (update: he & cousins will return for conf. finals but not sure which game)

so here we were at game six. i was 75% sure that warriors would win. (if kd was playing i would have said 100%) and i was telling myself that game 7 will be in warriors home court and so it would be a def. win in the event they lost game 6.

but by half time, warriors tied up the game and steph was at 0 and with 3 fouls on him, dray with 3 and both of them were off the court, and the bench was playing and warriors still tied the game but the whole bench and klay, kevon, dre, everyone showing up. it was so sublime.i was trying to think of why friday night’s win was so satisfying, why it legitimately feels almost as good as winning a championship. for three years we’ve had to hear “if you didn’t have kd you wouldn’t win”, and for almost 5 years we’ve had to listen to people talk about how “if it wasn’t for ______’s injury, you wouldn’t have won”. then we had to have daryl morey beautiful mind, an alternate reality where the rockets actually beat us in an attempt to say they only lost to us because of the refs.

now we know. the team everyone said could beat us got to play us full squad and without kevin durant. and they lost in their own building. i know people are going to keep going with their bull shit, but any doubt that our guys are fucking giants is gone. these dudes are just winners and for the last 5 years, steph, klay, draymond, andre and shaun have run the league. they showed that on friday night. and also i read that when curry wanted to put in some basketball time on thursday evening, and apparently chris paul got wind of this and came in and kicked curry out of the court even when curry said that he will stick to half a court. hence the reason why curry shouted, kick me off the court ? now cp can have the fucking gym all to himself !

i am first generation migrant to us. came here at the age of 19. never had the time to understand or get into american sports like football and basketball. then life happened and i got into basketball & football.

the year was 2015 (same year i got into patriots) just before warriors won their first championship, i was home, tv was on and my cat stepped on the remote changed the channel to some basketball game and warriors were on. this was during my dark and depressive days. a year after my husband passed away and everyday was a struggle not to kill myself & so instead i was selfharming. and i remember the game very vividly because i cut my thighs deeper than i intended because i was getting excited with the game and then curry’s daughter was with him in the press conference and she stole the show and during their first championship run is when i really started getting into basketball and warriors. have followed every single game since then.

long story short, i am what many people call a bandwagon fan. i am ok with it. i don’t know their history but i sure as hell know what this team has gone thru last 6-7 years. you ask why i would remain a fan even after they stop winning ? curry, klay, dray, andre, david west, mo, luke, kerr and everyone else who has been party of the journey except kd was not someone that most teams would pick as their first choice when we picked them. we built this team by truly developing our players as a team. i have never seen such an unselfish bunch of players working together the way warriors have. there are no insecurities. there is love for the game. there is joy in them playing together.

friday nights victory was the most emotional one for me. with kd and cousins out, steph’s issues with shooting – i didn’t want to loose to rockets. i don’t like them or their style of play. they as a team don’t display the level of sportsmanship that this game deserves, that our team upholds time and again.

this victory is what this bandwagon fan will share 20 years later about her team and what they did.

this is why some of us turn into lifelong fans. and here’s to all who try and shame people like me for jumping on the bandwagon….. suck my proverbial dick !

it’s 8:29 pm & i miss you

rainy, sunday, a list: sleeping in, cleaning the flat and doing laundry, reading the wuthering heights and drinking all the coffee, basking in the sunny warmth of my kitties, having long phone chat with eyetalian boy, watching sports & b movies and feeling good in a while. life is good.

it’s raining and i’m thinking of you – your death anniversary is a few days away, and i want to fast forward to next month. i am consumed by the pain of this loss of you and i can’t breathe.

so i miss you a lot and i could fall asleep right now, it’s so peaceful and i’m thinking about you and i am talking to you.

trust and truth, my lover you saw through all of my flaws— you used to say to me “you exist differently” you’re the kind of weather that gardens love

i’ve been learning about myself as of late and i’ve realized a few things… i’m forgetting you and it doesn’t feel good. but i guess a part of my fears of losing you again ie. is something that i’m trying to let go of because baby, our love didn’t last forever and that’s okay. i want to let go of all the anxiety, the sadness, the grief, the pain. i want to accept this wholeheartedly. you will always have my heart

i can hear the thunderstorms closing in, and do you think that the universe tries its hardest every single day to bring us together ? i can only hope that there’s divine intervention happening somewhere, but humans being humans can also be something familiar enough for us to stay. i miss cuddling and curling up against you and miss your kisses.

it’s 9:37 pm and my mind is running wild, hey, do you remember when we walked downtown late at night and got lost in the city ? i can still hear your laughter, i can still see my smile.

i think i have a terrible time keeping secrets away from myself and because i’m so excited to talk to you, and to tell you that i’ve been thinking about you

my heart raised high, my soul open wide, my love attached to your heartstrings, they say that unknown locations are the best vacations— i miss getting lost with you all the time and i fall in love with you more than enough times

you’ll always be my favorite way to experience love, light-hearted and tender, rough on the edges when necessary, but all things great fire-started by your smile and i still love you.

i do. i do still love you. we’re alright, sweetheart.

and when the rain stops, and you’ll vanish while i’m asleep, i just wanted you to read this and know that it’s authentic and genuine.

thank you for being my best friend, even if we’re no longer a couple these days, even if we do prove that even death can’t separate us.

it’s going to be a grand adventure regardless me struggling and you dead.

i just wanted you to know that i’ll never forget you. whenever it rains, i’ll remember you, us – you won’t be too far away. you will be wherever the flowers grow. and you’ll be right where the sun kissed the sky, and i’ll be waiting there for you as well.


me to you

april 30, 2019 – i would like to dedicate this post to american boy as he made me happy. i’ve not been this happy in a while and i feel invincible and life is good. how did he make me happy, you ask ? he actually made an effort to talk to me or vice versa. i had(have) this problem aka a transference of my feelings on to his act of talking to me and i would get super happy by living a lie that he is talking to me because he is totally in love with me. so now a days, it’s like a conscious act on my part to separate the layer of my idiot heart’s lies it tells itself with the facts that he is just talking like he would with anyone else; also when i want to talk to him he makes me breathless and speechless as my heart races at 1000 mph & i find that my mouth is full of bees and so when i talk to him, he can’t understand what i’m saying. oh i can talk to him when i have to talk about our company affairs and i usually have this razor’s edge while talking to him, and i also am glad that he has divine patience when dealing with me; so now that i’m kind of thinking that i’m not being fair to him because of my weakness for him, i’m ungluing my lips and talking to him and it is interesting to talk to him. i feel like i’m exploring him and his interests. so we had a couple of days of nice little chats even if they were about goddamn sports because i think it’s a safe subject. but i loved it all the same. so thank you !

while traveling to work yesterday morning, i was thinking about surrealism and rené magritte and his famous “ceci n’est pas une pipe”. and during the course of the day, i bumped into american boy, while loudly talking to myself that i would like a banana, as i just worked out in the gym and he was at that time, helping himself to another piece of cake (someone is getting married) and so he went “this is not a banana”… i thought this sounds much better “ceci n’est pas une banane”

speaking of the little party for that girl, i was sitting with my colleagues one of our coworkers was telling us that his friend is getting married and one of the wedding registry item was a chain-saw and then he went, he doesn’t even have any trees. my brain concocted so many horror stories. but hear this, when i get married again, that would be my number one request. also, american boy came and sat by me, *curiouser and curiouser* which is strange as he usually avoids me by a mile. and then he seemed to want to jump in a conversation about basket ball i am having with my friend tom, but for some reason didn’t. dear boy, i don’t bite… well, not much ! but that was yesterday, and today he made my fucking day !

goddamn it ! can i be more giddy with love ? words that whisper of hopes and wants, of caresses unvoiced but entirely bestowed, of so much love that the whole world can’t hold so it lives in dreams here, in the silent whispers of my heart that only your soul hears as a song. i would love to come into your world like the soft evening breeze, like the mist from the hilltop, like the late summer sun. i would sit and watch you for hours, love your quick movements, the curve of your lips in an absent smile, the frown on your forehead as you remembered. i would sit and watch and wait until you noticed me, till the moment that your smile lit up my entire world, till you saw and gave in and wanted me. i would stay with you forever, till your eyes were cloudy pale blue, your hair spun snow and your smile slow and loving as i held your hand. i would stay till you were a memory on the mantelpiece, a picture on the wall, your voice a whisper on the evening wind.

on friday (april 26), the train i was on lost power because of some storms… apparently our train just left that spot where the wires came down and it was such a blessing as we could have got tangled up in live wires. but god is good and we were safe. as the train lost power, we had to stay on the train and i wanted to get out of the train and get a taxi but they won’t let me go. so after 3 hours on the train, we finally got evacuated and i got home around 10 pm. situations like this make me panic as i fear that i won’t see my kids again. i was talking to a colleague of mine, who also takes the same train, if he was on that train that day. and he told me that he took an earlier one and so he missed this whole episode and he was telling me a year or two ago, similar thing happened and one lady called 911 because she wanted to go to bathroom… and i was thinking, how is that gonna help, are they going to bring porter potties or something like that ? but apparently she got fined for calling 911 unnecessarily…

also today, i received beautiful flowers from my boss not sure why, may be admin day or something, but i am immensely grateful to receive them… she is a sweet-heart in my opinion, a bit unsure about herself as a person and she tends to be hard on herself. she does these little little things for me and i’m thankful for them.

oh btw, the italian and i had a great night out on saturday night, and i kept waiting for my heart to say something, anything, like i like him. i do like him, but as a friend. i have absolutely no tingling anywhere in my body.

speaking of which, i am currently reading “the color purple” by alice walker. it’s a horrible story of a young girl and it’s truly transformative literature ! it’s such an emotional but also hopeful novel about recovering from trauma, loving yourself, loving others, finding yourself, finding family, and spirituality without being super preachy. celie, the protagonist, is a lesbian with a girlfriend and i find her first time looking at her “button” (clitoris) (in a mirror obviously) super hilarious. i kept giggling like a little girl when i was reading through the lines about masturbation and her lesbian desires.

at our work gym, where somedays i work out with my boy (in my mind we are together, ok), i now acquired another admirer who is like a baby… he keeps stealing looks at me and ok, i’m not sure if he has puppy crush on me or because of the way i move on the treadmill (i’ve some unique moves on treadmill i sort of do dance steps instead of boring walk or run). and i keep thinking, dear boy, i could be your mother ! the rate at which i attract younger men is inversely proportional to my age, where the older i get, the men i attract are younger. at this rate, by the time i’m 70, i should be dating a 18 years old or younger. also, recently i was talking to a girl at my work about this decent looking qb patriots have acquired and she went, he probably is in his twenties and i’m like, why do i care ? where is the rule which specifies that only men can date young girls and women can’t date younger men ? like please ! i’ve dated younger men but usually find them boring as they don’t have much maturity and now a days, the young people are totally boring who discuss mind numbing subjects which have no substance.

we all are fucked up, just in different places but we point out to others, for their cracked parts. because we forget, that someone else is full fleshed in parts we are starved and bruised.

during certain moments i feel as though i’m trying to make it to the other side. almost like the bridge between what i lived through and where i truly wish to be was washed away by some unforgiving tsunami, and this fierce storm keeps me from repairing the bridge so that i can make it safely back to where i used to reside. so that i can make it back to me and a place where i can finally take a deep breath and feel peace instead of panic, as i continue to do battle with this unpredictable sea of emotions while attempting with everything that i have to avoid anymore fallout.

the phoenix

the biggest lesson i’m learning is that nothing is as extreme or as permanent as our emotions convincing us they are. nothing is certain and things are always fluctuating and there are always exceptions and there are always mistakes. there is always pain and there is always love. everything is one delicate touch away from changing.

spring is here and i’m elated. i’m totally engrossed in working on my body, my projects, sports (basketball).

today i got my annual health checkup results and i’m the poster child of health, yo ! on the plus side, all my numbers are where they should fall, but on the negative side, my values for vitamins like b12, vitamin d have fallen as these come from mainly animal products. not to mention the goddamn fat percentage…. but whateves !

exercise-wise, my body is shaping up nicely… my boobs are firmer and perkier, my bum is getting into a nice round shape, my abs are still squishy but firming up slowly… i keep telling myself, patience and patience. i wish i could increase my workout time a lot more, but it’s hard for now as i still have weak lungs and now that i’m a vegan it’s trying to figure out the right supplements and eating the correct food groups everyday.

i am pretty sure my neighbor is stalking me… not like a creepy, i will hold you in my basement stalking way, but more like i have a crush on you kind of a way. one day i just came home and he came out with some excuse and of course, i introduced myself (i’m not a neanderthal) and he offered to shovel my snow…. this was when we still had snow. i told him no, thank you. i said no as he has a girl friend, and people are crazy and i don’t want some crazy bitch come after me and cut my face, or shoot me or worse, kill my cats. and hence his crush stalking. lol what’s with men anyway ? if you are looking at another woman, you know you are in a wrong relationship and why are you hanging on to a sinking ship… i do hope the sex is great for you to put up with shitty relationships (i’m sorry but i always think of sex more than i think of anything else, oh only next to my cats… and books… ). i have a rule, i don’t get involve with anyone who is not free. also, he is a professional baseball player (now coaching) and he has a daughter and he is cute with a beard, but i hate baseball.

speaking of which, my friends weren’t happy that i’m not involved with anyone and especially me not pursuing american boy. i’m like what do you want me to do, flash my pantyless crotch at him ? i’m happier when i am not in any relationship and i’m nursing a goddamned broken heart. what if missing you never stops ? instead of trying to fill up the hole you left, i will plant flowers on its edges and watch them grow. because time will never heal wounds (they lied), but time will make it easier to cope. easier to live life as i knew it before you.

so much for me deciding that i won’t date for a while. yesterday i got home, fed my kitties, and went out again, as i have to buy some food stuff. so of course, i was speeding as per usual, with my windows down, my hair blowing in the wind, singing at the top of my lungs to french pop which is blasting loudly and i’m happy… and then this other tricked up car started drag racing and lol, of course, i took the challenge and we both were speeding and then at the red light, he started talking to me telling me that he loves my car and i returned the compliment. and then he followed me to the giants where he bought me a bouquet of flowers telling me he would like to drag race me. he is italian (freshly imported) and i would have loved him to be french but close enough ! i love romance and i love the fact that he chased me and gave me flowers ! and yes, i’m gonna go on a date with him this weekend, what choice do i have, he compared me to monica bellucci !! she is a goddess and i’m preening;  and we will race against each other during the memorial day weekend. it’s been a while since i have raced and i have to get my car checked and probably write a will leaving my cats to some one

other miscellaneous things: last weekend, i finally went and checked out the trails in the woods and it’s beautiful ! i love the fresh air and walking on still crunchy leaves.

i drove into work today as i have to meet the “eyetalian” for a coffee after work and while driving into the city, i saw “let notre dame burn” on a bus shelter. i’m not the one who gets emotional over anything getting destroyed except that the building has history and no i don’t believe that they have the “thorn crown” which jesus wore when he was crucified as catholic church is best in propagating false christianity. and this is for you… there is no reference to lent in bible and christians who follow all these pagan rituals in the name of christianity make me sad. they don’t keep sabbath, which is one of the ten commandments, but they eat unclean foods like pork, shellfish, and celebrate the pagan fertility festivals like easter and christmas. (also ps: i love talking to you in between these lines).

american boy surprised me by telling me (i asked) he watches peaky blinders and i thought to myself, if he ever ends up in my bed, (he probably would be eating something) & i’ll be holding a cat or two in my arms), we can at least discuss this as there are very few things which are common between us.

recently, a friend of mine told me that he is moving away as he took another job. and he asked me what are you going to do when i go away ? i didn’t tell him this, but i’m used to people leaving me. i’m like a tree rooted in place and everything else changes around me like seasons.

time ! the bane of our existence… time wears us out like pebbles shaped by constant kisses of the sea. it smooths our edges, allows us grow into different people. sometimes things just work a lot better the second time round. at least that’s what we should believe. sometimes we need space to evolve and to become who we really meant to be. and to become who they mean to me. and eventually, everything falls into place, even if its many years down the road…

14 avril, 2019 6:20 p.m.

every year i await the months for winter to end and spring to thaw and it always fills me with awe… spring arrives in april like a warm sludge down my throat with intense humidity but i welcome any warmth with a hunger for the hurt because it hurts to heal and i’m going to take the sun in both hand and heart.

april comes with the sounds of bees on the wind like a sound from the future. the sun glows brightly and says everything is just about a few minutes away and that we should stop waiting for something we already have… the frost melts, the ground softens as if it’s healing.

nature is so goddamn sneaky… one day the trees were bare and dead and the next day there were itsy bitsy buds with life and being the first to be part of something so large.  when i am on my the platform waiting for my train, i see all these trees majestically poised and silently waiting for the spring thaw and then i saw these little buds, which made me smile and now they are voluptuous with green gently and happily swaying in morning breeze. the ground is soft in the face of life. the soft petals drink up the mist as the daffodils cradle the sun. i quench myself as something cracked and aged, as dry as starlight, in the wet swoons of april.

i have been a fucking social butterfly this month… i have gone to my department’s dinner event as i’m pretentious bitch and the dinner was at a great restaurant in philly where the food is to die for. i usually avoid social scenes as they are mind numbingly boring but i’m kind of missing having a social life which involves night life. i seriously need to find like minded people who would like to go dancing and having dinners at pretentious restaurants and go dancing with me.

i also went to a sixers basket ball game because my boss couldn’t go and she asked me to and i was actually off that day because i had to go to traffic court (remember i got a goddamn ticket ! and while waiving of my inspection ticket, they got me on another technicality ie i didn’t change my address on the registration & license. bastards ! the judge preached me why i needed to notify, & boy did i learn a very expensive lesson as i had to pay $150). if i had to go to work, i wouldn’t have gone to the sports event unless i get off early to go home and feed my kids and then go to the event. the people who organized it had a nice little suite and i know this is more like networking and i have nothing in common with people who goes there, and i’m not a sixers fan but it is an opportunity to feel like a vip and also i wanted to have the experience of actually going to live game. after politely excusing myself, i have made myself comfortable by getting a good seat where i can scream at the players as i have this habit of totally getting immersed in sports and usually scream at my tv (or a tv in a restaurant). but people came by and started chatting with me much to my dismay and i tried to multi-task but well, it’s ok as my boys, the warriors, weren’t playing below on the court; at one point, the partners of the company who organized this came and sat with me and one of them is a patriots fan and the other eagles fan. so i was making fun of the eagles loss, and he goes, “at least my team’s owner wasn’t in headlines with a sex scandal and doing dishonorable things”. it’s a jab at kraft getting caught with a prostitute and i answered him “he is a old and a widower and he got a happy ending and while i don’t condone it, let it go”. for me tho, the most mind boggling question is, he is a very rich guy and there are bleach blonde women with no morals and who would not only give a handjob or a blowjob or do anything else to have a rich life style and they must be fawning all over him and why does he even needed to go to such a place. had conversation with a couple of foreigners (scottish and aussie) and i can never understand why americans are so uptight with foreigners and they are more conservative than europeans.

tim from work, started teasing me about liking the best sports teams (aka patriots, warriors) and so everytime he makes fun of me, i started to print out a tom brady photo and put it on his desk.

my breathing is going great but the recent humidity made me wheeze a bit. i accepted asthma as part of my life, and am going to do whatever is necessary to keep breathing and hopefully not let it affect me negatively. i’m slowly increasing my work out time, and i’m nowhere near the time i want to spend working out but i’m getting stronger… clean eating is honestly the best thing which came out of my asthma. i recently found some vegan cakes and cookies at whole foods which translates to me being a potato #sidelook

i’m eager to explore the trails near my house and i wanted to do it this weekend, but sunday kind of blurred into chores and also clouds were hanging down low, & my laziness set in before i knew it. i made myself some gardein crab cakes and stuffed them into some tortis along with plantains, lentils. i also found out that burger king is now offering plant based meat whopper and i can’t wait to go and get one !

in other news, i’m house hunting and started looking at various options. i’ve a particular house in mind and i haven’t so far found it, but i’m getting ready for the time when i actually find it. i’m unsure at this point if i would ever find a bloke to settle down with and i’m kind of tired of dating men who i know i’m never gonna fall in love with or men who are so goddamn young. i genuinely want to have a loving and lasting relationship, but currently my feelings and my brain are at an impasse. and this is for you ! you made an effort to talk to me (twice) which made me suspicious – our silences are beautiful anyway as my heart extends into yours respite from life’s worries, and drizzling wonder over sepia-tinted days to linger softly within these glittery moments, i wrote love letters to you in my mind and that’s where they stay, and i dangle tender thoughts etching whispered dreams, wishing you were mine. i’m here because of failures of my past. i can trace the scars when i run my fingers on my heart and i just wish that you don’t give me new ones.

lying down on my bed while dusk has set upon the lips of the sky and the music is playing in the background with a song that feels like it could last forever inside of this memory, i love songs that stop time. like this moment is more real than any previous frame that you will revisit. i am hypnotized by the way rhythm and lyrics spoken with a tone that makes it feel as though you’re floating through a garden in space and everything is ethereal and unreal, but with the slightest touch, you’re back home and as long as you have that moment inside of your heart, you know that everything will always be alright.


blackholethe first picture of a black hole in history !

when i saw this photo, i let out a small gasp !

the global project “event horizon telescope” (eht) was focusing on two black holes through several worldwide-spanning radio telescopes over years. finally, it could make this picture from an ultra-massive black hole from the galaxy messier 87. it is the first time humankind could make a picture from a black hole.

april 10, 2019 is a wonderful day for humanity as we had our first visual confirmation of the existence of blackhole; a feat which is as huge as getting the first flight out into space perhaps.

anyone else feeling super existential with all of this blackhole talk going on ? the scientist in me had a wee bit existential angst ! god, space continually reminds me how puny i’m, and that death is permanent and that my consciousness is temporary and will one day cease to exist forever and even when life hurts so much sometimes i just want to exist to experience nothing;  like i won’t even experience nothing because i won’t be there to experience nothing. being a floating consciousness in nothingness is at least something. i know i won’t care about being nothing when i am nothing but i am something right now and i hate and fear and cry at the idea of being nothing. fuck my existential angst !

tbh, i’m as excited as the next person that we’ve hit this milestone and now have a picture of a real blackhole, but it’s super frightening at the same time when i remember that there is a goddamn blackhole in our milky way. the one that will most likely destroy earth one day, if our own sun doesn’t burn us up first. obviously we wouldn’t ever be engulfed by the blackhole within our lifetime, but the thought of a definitive end to all humanity always really freaks me out royally.

this is largely because one of the things that i hope will come of my life is that i will do something long lasting. i don’t want to be like everybody else who just floats away into oblivion and not really experience life. you know what i mean ? like they exist but they don’t make an impact on the society and actually strike that, they don’t even make an impact on their own life. i’m ambitious and i want to have no regrets when i die. i mean, i want to at least make an impression on at least one person or two, who would tell stories about me (hopefully with admiration). i want to create art and stories that will hopefully be passed down or rediscovered generations after i have passed away. i like that humans have culture and remember people who have died for so long that people still speak their name hundreds of years after anyone was able to live at the same time as them.

basically, what i’m saying is, i hope humans never stop learning or growing and exploring the boundaries of life and universe.  a lot of us are hurting the planet as well as each other, but there’s so much good being smothered by all of that and i don’t want it to just go away. i hope humans can redeem themselves and may be find a new earth or change our earth.  i hope that we can somehow harness blackholes. i hope we can outlive our sun. anything that will keep the good aspects of humanity going. hell, i’ll even take the off chance that other intelligent lifeforms adopt our remains and learn to read and decipher our books and art, whether it be aliens or a species among us that evolve to a similar state of mind.

i want to be immortal. i want the chance to live forever. not literally, but through the ages, through words and culture and history. i don’t want humanity to go extinct to the point of there being no evidence of whatsoever.

10:45 pm – reflections

weekends are so goddamn short !

if you were wondering what the scientific term for eating human flesh is, i can tell you now: anthropophagy. this is the stuff you learn when you are trying to add books to your summer reading list, kids……… i’m reading an article about the dystopian novel oryx and crake by margaret atwood and this is the main topic in it.  i didn’t know that.the article i read was basically about the fact that animals that are genetically engineered (like in oryx and crake) and have human dna, become a chimera sort between humans and animals. as they are still eaten like in the novel, but because it included human dna, this would also legitimize eating human flesh. weird, huh ?!? and from there i further learned that

  1. there are theories that the word for cannibalism derives from the same word as caribbean which in turn comes from the carib people so i’d say antropophagy is the better term
  2. there is of course a rich history of the west using the concept of anthropofagy to other indigenous people
  3. there was a literary movement in brazil called antropofagia that tried to construct a national identity around the concept of antropofagia.

my selfies : you may not have realized it, but they are of my recently chopped hair and in passing i mentioned that to my boss and she was like, send me your photos and so i took a few and once i start snapping selfies, i usually make faces at myself & i was very tempted to send this one with my tongue sticking out but i refrained and sent the other one plus another frontal where i looked quite respectable.

this week i also found out that my kids actually wait for me when it is time for me to come home… when i’m leaving for work a few of them perch up on the window & look out when i’m leaving and when i get home at my usual time, they are there… so i assumed, they stay there having nothing to do but work at putting in as many hours of nap time as possible. but lo & behold, it’s so not true. this week, on two occasions, i came home early as at work, i got nothing to do & as i was on the verge of looking for a rope to hang myself, i pushed off early after informing my boss and so i was home earlier by 30 mins and an hour… on both these occasions i haven’t seen any signs of cats on the window sills which made me further impressed at my kitties and my heart filled up with warm, gooey love for my kids and i fed them a can of tuna to each of them. i refrain from feeding tuna to them on regular basis due to mercury content but my kids get it as a treat once every three to four months.

it’s a cool rainy day of spring. i’m thinking of wearing a beanie tonight as i want to leave my window open but it’s getting chilly. work was bearable and kind of fun. but the weather coursed me to daydream these past two days. these kind of days always make me want to write. let me down slowly by alec benjamin plays in my head & in the background. the rain is a trigger for that. i tell myself there’s no pointing listening to it, because that wouldn’t be moving on. it would mean thinking about everything. a curtain of sadness covers my eyes. as i spend my time in bed strumming my heart string and i can’t seem to match the sounds. but two sounds are familiar and i end up singing a hymn.

today at a shop (ross’)where i went to purchase a cheap throw for my kitties and while looking for honey, i saw a small plate that brought back an old memory when i was a young lady. i was at a very lonely place in my life having just lost the love of my life, my friend’s mum gave me a small plate. it had red lines around it and words. it was cute and pretty, i thought. i was so happy to receive such a gift. it was the best gift i could ever ask for. i was so excited. thinking of it now, i don’t know what i saw in it. but later on i think it broke.

sometimes i wish i could meet myself back then and talked to her. show her that she was so loved and doesn’t have to try so hard to smile or get panicky at the thought of happiness. but maybe i didn’t in a way. because i was clever and had a great imagination.

i’m looking for peace wherever it may be. stringing my heart along to every song that gets sung, i sank my tears into the sea…. your blues are my blues, your reds are my reds. my favorite evening cloudy with a little bit of sun kind of day, a light breeze straight through the spaces between every finger, your words are not lost within me. a chorus enveloped in yellows i want to wear – will you still meet me under the stars tonight ? some words will never become poems no matter how softly you touch them. i’m trying to be closer to you with these words, forgiving sight for exhausting used miles. and though my heart is yours and i’m wanting it to be mine again, i miss you more with every breath.


breath of spring

life continues on as it tends to do…. in the years to come and when i reflect back, 2018 will be viewed as a year of growth and unexpected happenings.  a year that was full of so much joy, some tough and even gut-wrenching moments, but also a year that revealed a few unexpected moments. one of these unexpected moments proved to be quite endearing, and came in the form of leaving my marital home. it was emotionally painful but it was a good decision. it was something which i tried to hang onto, but god physically pushed me out and i was forever grateful for that.

and i’m excited about the promise of warmer weather and gorgeous wildflower blooms. winter is still holding on in many places, and it’s goddamn cold still, especially in my neck of the woods, but i’m excited as i’m surrounded by hills and i can’t wait to find some beautiful flowers to blanket them… at least i hope. getting distracted by beauty is a real thing and i honestly can say i can get lost in it.

the other day i got a ticket, alas not for speeding as i welcome a speeding ticket but because of not getting state inspection done; i was stuck behind this state trooper and then he stopped me for not having a current sticker which i actually forgot and in a way i’m thankful to the state trooper as for my lexus boy, i maintain below 5000 miles in a year so i can get an inspection waiver as he never passes inspection because he is tricked out to do drag racing… and then the trooper has the audacity to say to me that he was admiring me in his rear-view mirror and then asks me ‘where are you going ?’ i was like ‘i’m going to petsmart’ to which he replies, so you have one or two… i wanted to slap him. and now i have to go to traffic court and contest the ticket.

i’m like alice in veganland and it’s been almost a month since i have become vegan and i’m quite elated to tell you all that my wheezing is much under control and lately i’m not gasping for air like a fish out of the water ….as i’m a trained scientist, i’m keeping a log and  i’ve been experimenting on myself regards to how my asthma behaves with what i eat, and also i read a really informative article about asthma on an ayurvedic website. i’ve started cooking again as the stores and restaurants are not super friendly for me. i have been making yummy indianized meals with plant based meats and one such yummilicious curry needed rice as a base, and i did and lo and behold, my lungs started wheezing…. i learnt my lesson and i decided i won’t make the same goddamn mistake again. i have taken my kids (coops) to a vegan restaurant and i told them, if they didn’t like the meals i will buy them a burger from max brenner… but the kids loved the vegan food, and i kid you not if i say this, i can totally serve vegan meals and no one would know the difference and in fact, one would feel refreshed instead of groggy and heavy. i have to actually cut down on processed vegan meats and get back into veggies… if all goes well, (ie once i become my past self) i will cut off oil as well. oh, i would give or do anything to marry a vegan chef ! i have a list of people i would like to marry, just an fyi and out of all, i would love to marry dh lawrence !

oh, i also started wondering that i may put on more weight but i am ok with it as instead of looking like a potato because of steroids, i can now look like potato because i’m eating good and clean food… best reason to be fat !!

now a days i keep meeting a girl and she and i pass by each other every day. she reminds me of myself when i was younger and stylish…. and i’m motivated to see if i could revert myself back to the days when photographers gave me their card and begged me to model for them… or men chatted me up with stupid pickup lines like you must work as a model (and i would be in a t-shirt and jeans with beat up sneakers) or when random people gave me bouquets of flowers… so i am challenging myself to see if i could get the reaction though i am no longer in my twenties i don’t look past thirty and so i have  something to work on and keep myself occupied.

i let my boss know that if my salary doesn’t improve considerably there is a chance that i will be leaving next year. she doesn’t want to lose me and tbh i don’t want to go, but if i were to quit working in 5 to 10 years, it’s imperative that i should get into investing asap which translates to working for a high paying salary for a few years. and this way i have a full year to work with the headhunters to get the best deal in case my company doesn’t meet the salary i want.

friday was not a great day. i am currently reading “the time traveler’s wife” (a few more pages to go, but haven’t finished yet as i know that the time traveler is gonna die and i’m prolonging his death by not reading) and i was at the part where she keeps losing babies and before she loses them she dreams. before i lost my son, christian, i dreamt as well and they were really weird dreams and nightmares and so it was physically painful for me to read this part and i was silently crying into my ipad, when my fellow passenger (goldman sachs) gave me a tissue… gosh when i remember the painful parts of my life, i wish i could time travel and go to a happier moment and i just curl up there and not leave. (goldman sachs started getting his train from my station for reasons and we sit together most of the time and he tries to make conversations and i try not to encourage him, as i’m still sulking at myself for putting aside american boy, but it is good to have other options especially because he is a reader and he does seem like he has an iq of 150+, so he probably can hold intellectual conversations with me and i probably don’t have to strangle him or hang myself out of sheer boredom !)

speaking of time travel, i binge watched the oa on netflix (it’s about dimensional jump) and believe me if i tell you that i totally waited two years for season two of this show and it hasn’t disappointed me… i also watched a spanish film “mirage” which is also about time and space, and i was thinking what are the chances of this happening that i’m totally involved in time and space related stuff and whenever i’m looking out of my bedroom window, i keep thinking to myself that if any aliens are just happening to be passing by they must take me with them……. also, in 2013 i did see an ufo.. it was an october night and all the leaves fallen off and so i could clearly see the sky from my kitchen window and i was washing dishes and i screamed loudly and grabbed my phone and by the time i put my pants on (remember, yours truly, when home, runs around with no pants on) and ran out screaming for jace to join me, the ufo was just a tiny little thing in the sky. needless to say for several days since then, i camped out shivering waiting for them to reappear and they haven’t. and if you say i have just saw a plane, i will slap you because i’m an intelligent being who can distinguish between a plane and an ufo.

i have this habit of writing my thoughts composing them on gmail, and saving the drafts and i was clearing out my drafts and i found this list which i put together sometime way back in 2002 titled “ things that break my heart a little each time…………..”

abrupt goodbyes after long phone calls  / when you can’t say no to your friend who eats your fries (it was my husband jace before we were married and after married) / people littering the streets /  how underrated some of the best books are / every time a girl speaks about feeling unsafe / kids who’ve learned swear words a little too early / women denying the need for feminism / people misunderstanding the meaning of feminism / when old books can’t be saved from wear and tear / ice cream falling onto the floor / seeing my mom cry / favourite restaurants shutting down / bookstores being converted into clothing stores / the sequel of a book/movie that just doesn’t live up to the first one / when people while texting type “lyk dis” / reading my diaries from high school / nail paint chipping on the very same day i applied it / a promise broken by my father / reading the news / goodbye hugs that are too short

i probably should update this list…..

i’m sitting on my bed, freshly scrubbed and after the week i had, i’m thankful for: poems about love, a fresh bag of veggie chips (still unopened), every train ride home from work, peaches and plums, countdowns, unmade plans, ghosts, kissing the tip of my kitties noses.

i am looking forward to spring / summer and i already started putting together my reading list… the other day my boss saw my book list and insisted i give her a copy of that which i did as she liked my list…


some days my world is full of bright stage lights that illuminate the shadows where i hide; and of rivers of coffee; and of hope and passion and plays; and of sleepless nights and poetry and essays on the importance of perseverance; and some days its full of miyazaki movies and almond milk; of damp and dreary days and cuddling up with my furry babies; of blue skies and walks on the dried leaves making crunchy sound; and of rilke’s third elegy and of double crossed legs in short skirts.

‘silly old bear’

silly old bear

i watched christopher robin (ewen mcgregor) this afternoon and my word, it was so heartfelt and sweet, i was crying thirty seconds in and the moment i heard that familiar voice say “christopher robin ?” i swear something in my soul broke… and now i’m sitting here all misty eyed and missing my cats who passed away and my teddy bears i stored in a storage facility ☹. i can’t properly express the visceral emotion and how hard the ‘christopher robin’  has hit me, somewhere deep in my soul there’s something magical and beautiful in how they presented it, how pooh looks old and worn but so obviously loved, how christopher robin immediately knew it was his childhood best friend, how pooh greeted him, like he was still the young boy who brought him to life all those years ago, like nothing has changed, not really. (but as winnie says, ‘just a few wrinkles. maybe’)

and then there’s the idea, that the toys, and stuffed best friends that you played with and loved as a child will always know and recognize you, no matter how old you get, just like how you’d always know and recognize that one specific old friend, from just the smell or how they sit in your arms.

and they will always be there for you, if you remembered to go back to them. or maybe they’ll come find you when you need them most. they were with you through thick and thin, they know you, the real you, and you don’t have to hide yourself from them. you’ve never had to.

and ok i knew at some point ewan mcgregor is going to say “silly old bear” and i honestly didn’t know how my heart was able to handle it.

but… and this is in spite of knowing that christopher robin was never able to escape being the little boy the books showed him as, with everyone wanting him to still be that… i’m looking forward to this.

partially, i think, because it is christopher robin as an older man who has changed, and winnie the pooh as the kind, wise bear of very little brain that hasn’t.

it’s not pretending that christopher robin stayed the same, or that he had to keep that childhood innocence within him always, the way we sometimes assume that our children’s’ book heroes do, or should. it shows him hurting to leave his family and be apart from them in order to live up to what his job asks of him. it seems to me, if it weren’t for his job being so harsh, he would not be unhappy to be an adult.

i think that if anything, this does the memory of the actual events a lot of good, because it lets us know that christopher robin and winnie the pooh aren’t just for childhood, they’re for forever. they can grow up and grow old with you, and that is not a bad thing. in fact, sometimes it’s outside influences that are the bad thing, not anything you have let happen to your life.

again, i’m reminded of something c.s. lewis said – when i grew up, i put away childish things, including the fear of being childish

i’ll next read winnie the pooh again, because you are never old enough to read certain books (once i finish with the book i’m currently reading “the time traveler’s wife”).




red lipstick

february is melting away in tiny drops and making way into march… but i think nature has come unglued and became bipolar (and yes, pun intended). after living a long time with garages for cars, i got smart and now a days i figured out how to work around with cars in non-garages and in ice / snow / sleet. now a days, as soon as i take a shower and get dressed, i run out and start my car, irrelevant what the weather is like… it’s simpler that way as some days, i would walk out to find my car completely iced up and i have wait for the ice to thaw and then i almost miss my train. and i realized that when the weather man says it’s 30 degrees, i should subtract at least 10 degrees to figure out my current temps.

ah life in the burbs, yo ! i found out that unless a miracle happens, i may not be able to buy a house around here as none of the houses (and i looked up to 500k) are worth my money. they are huge houses but no personality in them. and i want to slap whoever wanted that kind of money for those houses as i would have to completely remodel the house… so here is my new plan and i think i already found a couple of houses which caught my eye and they are kind of nearer to my old neighborhood, with huge yards (important for my cats to roam around and for me to plant a huge garden) and one house i’m almost in love with has french doors and windows even though that’s not a must as i will quickly replace them as soon as i can. i wish i could find a french colonial with juliet balcony but alas i’m not in france and i also wish when i open my french windows i will see eiffel tower…  it’s fun as i’m already shopping for floor mirrors and decadent curtains either from morocco or egypt…

i think there is nothing sexier than a man reading a book ! and a very rare sight indeed, but they do exist. in my commute i find a few men, reading away and i am pleased. i also look at the images of men (usually shirtless) with kittens and puppies and for whatever reason it’s adorable.

i’ve really really come strides and lengths with food in ways i wouldn’t have imagined at all and i’m really proud of myself for that instead of feeling unsatisfied. past saturday sandalwood and i have gone mountain biking; him on proper bike and me on a bike not meant for mountains and it was rough for me; i half biked and then decided i will just take my bike for a walk; my lungs ached so much and i almost passed out for a couple of times and that made me fucking mad and i was angry at my debilitating asthma and at my lungs for succumbing to it… i mean, here they are, have a cozy job like being the lungs of a very intelligent person and then they get asthma.. that made me a vegan on the spot (with one exception, that i will have cream with my coffee and i already drink almond milk and have ice cream made with coconut milk) ! i mean, i was already working at it but i just went shopping like on thursday and bought brie, finishing butter, eggs, and yogurts, and i don’t like to throw food away and i thought i will be vegan after i finish them but after that biking episode, i decided to fuck all the dairy food and i will of course rehome the brie and butter… a week or so ago i made a big pot of cabbage with veggie sausages and so on saturday while coming home, we dropped into a store so i can buy more sausages for the dinner, and i was going round and round in circles to find the sausages and i can’t find them… after making two laps round the store with me, sandalwood gave up and parked himself near a cashier and every time i went past him, he is like “you look like an adorable half-witch” on account my hair is unmanageable at any time of the day but after that hiking, the hair was kind of damp with all the sweat… i finally found a store guy who took me to the meat section to show me the beyond the meat burgers and i was thinking what self-respecting vegetarian or vegan would go look for these in the meat section but i think it’s more for the carnivores than for vegetarians or vegans… this was my first experience with this beyond the meat burgers and sausages and having prepared and ate them, i can testify that they are awesome… and more over they are not soy products so double plus from me. and i also finally found the field roast brand sausages which i was actually looking for.

i have also started researching on asthma and types of asthma and goddamn either asthma goes, or i die trying to rid it… i incorporated some vitamins and not sure if it’s a placebo effect but i feel better ? ! ?

personal training is well under the way where i am huffing and puffing away to glory and trying to build up stamina and i bought a pull up bar for home to work on my flexibility… may be i should buy a pole ?

also on sunday, i spent a whole day getting pampered and after $500 i got massaged, bleached, waxed, scrubbed and polished and i probably squeak as my aesthetician removed an entire layer of epidermis…

an update on barbara and she was supposed to come out to my house this sunday but her husband and soon to be ex, came to chat with her. and after her chat, she called me telling me that he actually expected her to have sex with him (he takes sildanafil citrate to get aroused) and she is like i’m so disgusted and i’m seriously thinking of becoming a lesbian. and i was like ‘well don’t look at me as i like sex a lot and i especially enjoy sex with a penis’ – fun fact sildenafil is prescribed to cats and dogs to decrease the hypertension (like heart & lung probs) and one time, one of my kids was prescribed this !

there is a coop girl in my company, and i feel blessed because of her. i always felt awful for not having children because after losing my son, i became panicky at the thought of having children but i always wanted to adopt a child and i still may. but this girl gave me that satisfaction of being a mum because she also is very taken in by me as we started having these chats and our conversations just flow and we are like minded and after hesitating a lot, i finally confessed to her that if i ever had a daughter, i would want her to be like this girl. she feels closer to me as well, and i can see that we would be keeping in touch a long time after she leaves our company. so i have to say that i no longer feel that void of not having a child and i feel fulfilled. i still want to adopt as there are many many orphaned children.

i put american boy aside for now (not yet scratched him off of my list) as he started behaving bizarre and he is ambiguous and hell no, i won’t have any sort of headachy relationships or have dramas… i had enough of that in my life and i was thinking, dude no one is forcing you and if he is thinking that i will chase him down, that ain’t happening in this life time – and i set the rules. i want him with all my heart, but he has to come with no baggage, no drama and take life at the face value and live in the moment… and if he chooses not to, adieu et bon chance ! and i will write a little poem or story in your honor… once upon a time two minds collided into a thousand words, which soon bloomed into a tragedy – that is, if one could even call it that and despite the tradition, it was not death that separated them but it’s life and so on so forth. i always have other options to explore and i am not even trying.

also i recently got a job offer where they offered a more than what i’m getting paid currently (base salary of $120k+ and bonuses) and i’m almost tempted but i have to buy a house first and so i dropped a line to the hr person to find out if and when i would be getting that kind of salary because well, if i don’t get a counter offer, i will be gone in a year. my current salary is good for the time being, but i like money and am willing to work for it and also i have no intention of working for a salary for the rest of my life and on top of it i have very expensive tastes and i have cats and also i want some money to play the stock market and invest in real estate.

and thus, i have set my priorities before me and i am working on bringing sexy back and i was a ballet dancer and i know how to workout till i’m raw and cut back on calories…been feeling good, been doing that whole “positive feedback loop” thing, and it’s been working a whole lot. everything changes when u see it for yourself. breathe in and breathe out while living life way down deep… loving without strings and making pinky promises meant to keep… genuine gestures extended as i try my best to be me and oh, may be sometimes i get stuck in the past but my wings are spread and i am getting ready to fly, wearing red lipstick and a hopeful heart.