my yesterdays & my paper moon

so life is going smoothly and then there was a wee little wrinkle… my landlord texted me saying that the township needs to do a little inspection and aargh, i royally freaked out as i have a baker’s dozen cats and i lied to my landlord. but i don’t have a choice and so with a false bravado i told him they can do the inspection (last) friday and that i should be home. i was counting on the fact that when some stranger comes into the house, they will all disappear into thin air as if a magician has waved a wand. the inspection lady came in and she literally did a five minute inspection, flitting about from one room to another, with comments like, did you just move in ? (darn, there goes my plan of not unpacking till i move again) and oh, that’s a lot of cats (on account, all my cats, were resting comfortably on my bed when she got into my room)… oh well, oops.

weather turned colder and i almost died today.  i have this habit of washing my hair every morning because a couple of my cats, sleep on my head and i don’t want to smell like cats..  so now a days when i start walking up to the platform my hair jingles (having turned into icicles). i probably have to go buy a blow dryer or settle for pneumonia. this morning was especially hard on me as yours truly, got a wee bit sick yesterday (freezing my head didn’t help) and didn’t sleep well and i was groggy and moved about in slow motion. on top of it i haven’t taken my inhaler. my lungs are still open but frigid air is the trigger for my asthma and so when i got out of my car in the parking lot, my lungs closed quickly, and i had like 5 mins to catch my train and so i kind of moved fast and not giving myself enough room to breathe deeply and of course, it was useless anyway as the frigid air already shut off my lungs  and the path to the platform is a bit steep and so when i finally reached the pinnacle, i was completely out of oxygen and lack of oxygen triggered panic attack and so i almost passed out and panicked simultaneously and blindly reached into my purse for my rescue inhaler which i couldn’t find. and after deciding i am not gonna die this way, i talked myself to stop panicking and started taking slow deep breaths and finally got a little bit of oxygen back into my lungs and made my way onto the platform just in time as the train pulled into the station (it was late by 5 mins). lessons learned today: buy a fucking blow dryer; get out of the house early so i have enough time to catch the train; always carry rescue inhaler in my jacket pocket;

before i forget, my boys patriots, have won (super yay) and they are heading to kansas city to battle the chiefs this sunday and it is going to be a glorious battle, but i believe in my boys and that they will win. in small print, if chiefs win, i would still be ok as the qb maholmes is impressive as well and if anyone deserves to beat patriots, it would be him.

i giggle whenever i see women wearing high heels and then walk as though they are constipated. i was chatting with one of the coop girls and one of my colleagues passed us by and of course she was walking awkwardly and i was giggling uncontrollably. the purpose of wearing high heels is to walk seductively while swishing your derrier (or hips) and not look constipated… man, i wear boots as it’s been a while since i discarded high heels for comfort and i walk more seductively than some of these women. i promised the coop, that i would start dressing up like a “girl” as it’s not that i don’t want to dress up, its just that i don’t have anyone to impress as i consider most of the people at work “not worth impressing” as they are not up to my level or standard whether in intelligence or looks (i was super gorgeous before my asthma) and don’t get me wrong, i look like a beached whale now but i still command attention. and of course, one shouldn’t give importance to looks, but if one has looks and intelligence, with a great personality – hang on to that person 🙂

spring is around the corner and this new found breathing ability is giving me hopes of getting back into dancing; also my living room is kind of like a dance studio and this weekend i blasted latin music and danced salsa…  and my legs are still hurting and i think it’s because of one of the side effects of prednisone.

today i had a very interesting conversation with one of my colleagues, tyler… a while ago, i remember having a cake while saying good bye to him and i thought he left but i saw him recently and then again today in the kitchen. i started talking to him, as the scientist in me has oodles of questions and i asked him if he came back and if he didn’t like the other job. and then he informed me that he took time off to hike appalachian mountain range and my mouth fell open and i had immense respect. you should have seen me… i swear my eyes got bigger, rounder and started glowing like a 100 watt bulb…  if you don’t know what appalachians are, you should. i hiked appalachian as a day trip for years and once when my husband & i were on the top of the range, the whole sky was pregnant with thunderstorm promising clouds and i swear, i would have touched them if i just lifted my hands… but i got royally freaked out and with jace still protesting, i hastily got back into our car. jace wanted to have camping on the top of the mountains with our kids, and alas, it never happened as we lost our son.

anyway, tyler explained that he did the whole appalachian range, from maine to georgia and i was further impressed and also i was pinch envious of him. he was explaining to me how he hiked two to four days straight and then he would get back down into a town to replenish food and also to shower and rest. goddamn ! i added this to my bucket list. i wonder if i would ever accomplish all the things i have on my list, but i will try my best. well anyway, he promised me he will show me his photos once he gets a chance to arrange them into a book.

even though, i’m surrounded by shadows that are darker than death, and even though the fact that the constellations have begun to fade in my world, they are of little importance, i’m fighting to keep my own star lit. just so i can finally shine my way back into the light, and follow my star shine to that place where i’ve always wanted to be because somewhere deep inside my bones i know it would feel just like home, sweet home.

life may not be a box of chocolates. but it’s definitely a delicious array of many tempting selections and we have little choice and no fucking clue what’s waiting in the direction we are headed; sometimes exquisite happiness and sometimes dead-ends and disappointments. and you, my dear, are definitely a chocolate, the new one i picked and the new way i am headed, attempting to leave my past and wanting to indulge in new things… like you. i will keep my chin up and walk into this (our ?) adventure not knowing if you join me, or i will get knocked down; if i get knocked down, i will pick myself up and off the ground as i did in extreme heartaches and embrace my life despite my mistakes, and i will endeavor to keep positive thoughts in my mind and a happy song in my heart….


so far this january….

it’s been a handful of days since i moved into my new place. i haven’t unpacked yet. i probably won’t. my kids and i are still getting used to the new place. the first few days at the new place i tried recover from all the driving i did and the side effects of prednisone; when i was still taking prednisone, i literally felt the fat depositing on my tummy and my face and i was worried for a second but my newly acquired ability to breathe fully into my lungs won out; and oh my god, i was so hungry all the time… but once i finished the course, my fat deposits started to come off and my hunger diminished but then again, new set of problems crept in because prednisone acts by lowering the immune system responses; so my body hurts (and hurting), i feel a bit fatigued… but i am sure these will go away soonish…

i kept all the lights on in the house as it’s a new place and i don’t want my kids to slip and break their legs; also i haven’t quite figured out how to keep enough light so it’s not completely dark on account, i am not comfortable in total darkness.

my kids are happy and my plants are happy – already some of their leaves are budding. i have many lavender plants in makeshift pots – i have to find them suitable places and so far i spent my weekends sleeping or trying to familiarize myself with the shopping centre in my area.

i love the current neighborhood.  my original thought of buying a house somewhere near my old house is no longer firm and i may want to check out this area and if i find a house i fall in love with, i probably will stay here. all the shopping i need and usually care for is within few mins of my house and they are all near to each other and i am super happy like a kitty with a bowl full of cream. for example, the petsmart (where i buy kitty supplies) is right next to a super market where i buy things like paper towels and my starbucks french roast coffee !! i buy the beans and grind them for my morning coffee ritual !

when i get up in the morning, i make a bee line to the kitchen to start my coffee and while it’s brewing, i feed my kids while inhaling the sweet aroma of the same and i then pour my first cup of coffee. my french roast is the decadent pleasure of epic proportions that fits into a cup which i keep nestled between my hands, and i dream while i’m still awake and of visions that have me plotting a second cup of french roast goodness because another cup of this delectable delight is most definitely needed.

during the weekend (esp during winter time), i sit transfixed in front of a fire that entertains me with warm dancing flames, while my mind wanders and plots the biggest cup of coffee ever, and nostalgia of such past days wrap me up in in the warmest kind of embrace until i swear that i’m drinking a cup of pure magic. sigh. and it’s this delicious thought that makes me smile all the way.

but i digress  – in summary, i am surprised that i am happy with this little area where there is so much open space, open skies and i am pretty sure it will be filled with greenery come spring. can’t fucking wait ! and oh the other day when i was going to work, i saw a deer crossing the road and it made me smile.

my morning commute has been bit difficult but i am coming to terms with it…. the very first day i was to return to work this year, i was late as i couldn’t find parking for my car and when i finally parked, the train came into the station and i had to turn and get in my car and drove to work while informing my boss that i missed the train. there’s construction, apparently, since two years, and so there is this circuitous route one needs to take to get to the platform to get on the train and while i secretly am happy because i am burning some much needed calories with these everyday hikes to the platform, but while i’m actually hiking, i curse left and right.

there are many many people who travel into the city with me and i am not pleased as i would like to have the entire train to myself. but as i don’t own the train, i settled to just observe the people and i right away found out one glaringly obvious thing. everyone dresses up in the same way like stepford wives – professionally that is, with black slacks, and dressy tops and black or brown shoes and here i am, almost hobo chic… also my boss is trying to make me a well dressed girl but i am a tomboy and dresses and i don’t go well; my mother tried it before – having said that i probably would become one of the stepford people as i don’t like to stand out.

i am enjoying my train rides as within a few minutes into the travel, the sun comes up and i smile brightly – i read on my ride and i have finished the book “a thousand splendid suns” and i was angry when this brute of a husband was beating up on his wife and i couldn’t wait get back to my book when the protagonist found out that the love of her life wasn’t actually dead ! i was impatient all that day at work and when i was on the platform to catch my train i eagerly and greedily got back to my book. that book was a hard read for me as i am a card carrying feminist and any form of domestic abuse is not okay with me and i just can’t understand how women (and some men) put up with such stuff. i started rereading the book “perfume – the story of a murderer” by patrick suskind as i recently watched a series with the same name which mentions this book.

the other day my train was late and i was sitting on a bench surrounded by a sea of people and there was this elderly gentleman sitting next to me and started chatting with me: gave me tips on how to polish vinyl and plastic and how not to get dust on your leather shoes; and at this point, my train was running late and so the announcer came on the overhead speakers and was telling the same and then another train came in which goes to trenton and the announcer was painfully telling everyone that this particular train is express to trenton and not to thorndale (my train); the elderly gentleman told me, that there will be people who would get on the trenton express and then they would have to trek all the way back to city to get on the train to thorndale because in spite of the announcer repeating the message many times, people would be stupid enough to get on the wrong train; we both giggled loudly and all the other people standing around looked at us suspiciously.

this weekend is very important as my boys patriots are playing and i am not overly concerned as i know they will win.

a colleague and i went out to eat a bit and chat and during the conversation i told her that i like someone but as he has a girlfriend i am waiting for such a time he is single. she immediately asked if he is some one from work and though i almost got caught, i masked my answer with something else.

i try to stop time, whenever i am busy dreaming about you. the times when our eyes lock, and the times when i talk to you – trivialities – but precious. looped memories i play over and over again.  i lose myself within a world full of so little words and lots of feelings; waiting, may be for a moment when you take a chance on us and decide to see what may exist between your heart and mine. may be waiting for you to take that leap of faith and see what you might find and hopefully like; i’m sitting next to you in my mind, and discussing things – that life is all about living and taking chances when they appear; and discussing things like love which are often too fragile at the beginning and wondering if our love would continue to grow; and i continue to store all memories in a bottomless box; and may be hoping to revisit them in my (our) old age and relive !

but here we are – each of us lost in thoughts as we silently weigh the odds of us

et bonne année 2019


i have decided i’m going to be happy and started my life afresh, afresh, afresh.

self-appreciation. this is the one thing i always have hard time to learn. it is just too much. appreciating myself, of all things ? who would even do that ? but here i’m, smiling at my little achievements. appreciating my beauty nobody seems to notice. i have myself. i love myself. self-appreciation, checked.

last year has been weird and good for me, but thank the fuck, it’s finished. like alice, in wonderland, i ate a magical potion and shot up to the stars. it was full of hard lessons but good ones. so many things i have learned.  but i have finally arrived, not a final destination, but within reach. i learnt, that i must make a detour.

i’m in transition literally and figuratively speaking; and praise be to heavens for the discovery of prednisone. i finally gave in and took a course of them, as i was desperate to breathe. it was important as my breathing got harder and i need my lungs to function so i can pack up and move. i moved to a temporary rental before i could buy my dream house.

the rental house is a huge mansion which is a must for my platoon. but it came with almost everything which i don’t want in a house; it’s in a housing association complex; a row house; no garage; people everywhere; no fucking yard; if i open my front door, i’m literally in my neighbors lap; too fucking far from my work; again no fucking garage; but guys, i’m biting my tongue so goddamn hard as i deserve this punishment for not acting quickly when i should have.

a little background: i have been restless for a while; since my husband’s passing in 2014; i have been tormented and tortured and i think i may have (had) ptsd; i was frozen in time, unable to breathe, unable to move, unsure of myself; but time waits for no one. while i met some nice and generous people, they can hardly live my life for me.

and once the initial shock wore off, i realized that my life is a huge fucking mess and i had no active involvement leading up till this point in my life. i wiggled, i fought, i tried, i ran, to get out of this immensely fucked up situation i was in, and to make matters worse, i realized that not all who are in my life, family, or friends, needn’t necessarily be in my corner and in fact they were in my way. the more i tried to untangle myself, the tighter the tangles became and almost choking me to death.

fear made me numb and paralyzed for a while there. and my asthma started getting worse last october onwards and i took that as sign of things to come. i decided i need to move and when the opportunity presented itself, i decided i’m gonna move and start afresh. but the house i wanted to buy got delayed for some fucking reasons and i found myself homeless and i need to rent a place and well that was a fucking feat in itself as i hate lying under any circumstances and after pleading my case of 17 cats to a few landlords, i gave up and decided i will lie and so i’m here in my huge mansion with 17 kids and lying my tail off and said i only have four cats. at any given point, anyone who visits my house sees only three or four kids. one year, my parents stayed with me for a whole of three months and they only saw three cats and wouldn’t believe me when i said i have 20 cats.

i only have four carriers, and one of them is a very small one and so i had to make three trips. it was roughly 50 min ride (each way) to my new house and so i put in six hours just for the trips. i put two kitties in each carrier and transported six cats each trip. and i snuck in my kitties in the cloak of darkness and man i was a nervous wreck and i explained my feat of transporting cats to my friend barbara and we were laughing our heads off which is quite weird but satisfying.

my kids cooperated and were quiet when i moved them in, which was awesome. their faces played a symphony of emotions when i let them out of the carriers: satisfaction, triumph, smugness, consternation, confusion, realization, disbelief, horror. they all immediately found themselves hiding places which was hard to do as i only have six pieces of furniture. but hide they did and camouflaged themselves.

of all of my cats, cheeti, is a very shy kid and i had since 2002 (rescue) and even now, it’s her terms when i can or can’t pet her. she comes to me when she needs petting. when i tried to catch her, i inadvertently traumatized her again, but what can i do, i can’t leave her there by herself. i put her in the same carrier with a boy cat she adores. when i got her home, i felt bad for her and made another two hour trip back and forth, this time to get her the stuffed winnie the pooh bear. my husband bought me a lot of stuffed animals and this one is a largest of all, almost life size, and cheeti took a liking to this one and she sleeps on this bear.

my sleeping arrangements is another matter. i discarded the old mattresses and in an insane moment (i swear i wasn’t thinking straight) bought myself an “air mattress”. i’m not sure what made me do this because i have cats and they have claws. so here i have this mattress and i blew it up and then my cats jumped on, and now i have holes in the mattress which i tried to seal it up, but it keeps losing the air. so the first two days, was like this. i would blow up the mattress and go to bed on it and i would wake up in about three hours, in a puddle of air which resembles something like a hammock and not very comfortable; at times i even blew it up at 3 am or so and now i completely gave up on it and am sleeping on the floor on some blankets and left the air mattress to my cats which they all love and why not as it’s soft and fluffy. few very loyal cats decided they will sleep on the floor with their momma. and oh i did order a “normal” mattress but that gets delivered in a week or so.

i have put most of my stuff in a storage but i have brought my plants and my books and they are all downstairs and may stay there where i left them till i move again in six months. couple of boys helped me move out of my old place and into this new place. i really am thankful to doug who was always helping me and i would miss him at this new place. when they came to deliver my furniture, they pulled up to the back of the house so it’s easier but his pickup got stuck in the mud as it rained the day before. so a neighbor, john, helped them out of the ditch and now the kids are like, “that’s a husband material right there” and doug is like, you should bar-b-que and invite john. i told them that they can date him if they want as i’m quite capable of taking care of myself. what do i need a man for ? i have cats, books, and music, i have toys (and sandalwood) for sex, and i have this dreamy (literally and figuratively) relationship with american boy. so i’m good for a while !

i love this area in spite of it being so fucking far away from my place of work (drivingwise). but at night i can see the stars and there are no lights as it’s farm land and i’m fishing out my binoculars to stare into heavens and be mesmerized by the constellations. at my old place, my husband and i used to drive out of the city to look at the stars. but here, i can just open my curtains and look out at the sky. maybe i will also buy a telescope.

i started reading the splendour of a thousand suns (khaled hosseini). watched a few movies which are really different i thought; cloud atlas, bird box, perfume, the lobster, to name a few.

melodies and lullabies fill my ears each night. the night skies now a days are rarely starry but when they do, i look at them in awe and i wonder, if you’re looking at them too. if you think about me at all. i hold no expectations but the thought of you seems comforting and thus i wish upon the stars, for me to have happiness in various forms, like for example, you. it’s been ages since i saw you but patience, i tell myself, i will see you tomorrow.

full of beginnings, and sometimes it takes a while to adjust to the surroundings. this is how i feel, like there are too many chances and too much forgiveness, and when it fades i’ll realize, it’s no different with how things end.

i’m so thankful for the little blessings which came my way. there are ups and downs, sure, but life is all about choosing something and then sticking to it as much as one can, even if finding out most of them are bad choices. but i learn and that’s the beauty of it. and you learn just like i did. the days which were idle, i turned them into something worthwhile, no matter what.

new year doesn’t mean new universal laws. but i wish your 2019 be filled with hope, peace, and grace. hopefully, you will find your fulfillment in jesus, your purpose in helping others, your success in kindness, your mindset in generosity.

to a new adventure !


for you a thousand times over…

december 12, 2018

my relationship with american boy is in full swing i.e., in my dreams. i have been dreaming a series of episodes since my last post, in fact, the very night i posted, i had dreamt of him and being in relationship with him. when i woke up the next day, i smiled and giggled out loud at the absurdity, but that day, i actually was deliriously happy; like a high you get when you take drugs. but as it happens with drugs, i eventually crashed down to reality. it made me a bit sad but i wasn’t sure what i should do. but then, again, i had another dream and i picked it up from where my first dream left off and continued on. so in summary, i now have a fullfledged relationship with him and we have two girls and one or two boys in our very “normal” family where i was wearing indian dresses and acting like a “girl”. the second time it happened, i was like “ew brain, it’s fucked up and let’s not do that again”, but my brain continued to dream. so now i am on fifth of episode of my “relationship” and i can’t wait to find out what happens in season finale. i had considered a relationship with him but in spite of my deep feelings for him and my friends encouraging me to “get him” i am not sure if we are a good match and i suspect i may end up dumping him in a few days. our differences, to name a few, are very apparent. i am family oriented, and my kids are my priority and i think, he loves parties and travels and while i do love traveling, one sniffle from my kids, i would drop everything and stay back. our travel destinations will be quite different as well. i would probably end up in the amazonian jungles and climbing through incan and mayan ruins, and traversing through egyptian pyramids, cursing at every step of the way and gasping for air and hating the insects, heat and humidity, but i know i would love that experience and i would be the first person to buy a ticket to moon or mars, and i will have a full blown anxiety attack during my trip to moon but i will sit there eating restoril pills to calm the fuck down.  but for now, these dreams of mine are a nice distraction, as i halted my love life for now unable to fully commit to sandalwood. and i am thoroughly enjoying these dreams of mine, while being careful not to bleed my dreams into reality and shock the fuck out of the american boy by saying something totally inappropriate for the work environment. i guess spending time with him would be like…

to see a world in a grain of sand,
and heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour.
~ william blake

hello there december ! the month of snow, lights and feasts and warmth ! december arrived with warmth but then turned gloomy, blue and transparent. it was icy cold, and my asthma was exasperated. all i want to do is rest and rest and jut sit about doing nothing but read and relax.  after going through a lot of misery, got myself an asthma specialist and he started testing me for allergies and lo and behold, i am allergic to all the 48 allergens in his panel. those ranged from cats (yes), dogs, rabbits, pheasants, dust, pollen, grass, egg shells and some other stuff…. interesting, i thought, that i am still alive ! well, as long as i don’t develop allergy to oxygen i should be good i am thinking. who knows, it’s too soon to speculate as i have a few more years left in me.

for you a thousand times over…. i started rereading “the kite runner” as i am missing my home town. but i was traumatized the first time i read it. i completely immerse myself in the books i read and i almost become a part of that book. so i remember vividly when i read that book, i was lying on my belly on my bed, with pillow tucked under my boobs and the book spread on the mattress, my hands under my chin, smiling into the book, and roaming the afghan hills and streets with these two friends, eating imaginary dried mulberries, flying imaginary kites and reliving my halcyon days when i did that as a child – especially flying kites in tournament. the preparation which went into the kite strings. we collected glass shards and cacti for glue and made a pulp of ground glass and cacti and applying it on the string, so it’s sharp and we can cut the other kids’ kites. and so i was reading on, frowning at the bullies and all of a sudden i felt as though someone punched me hard in my stomach, making me totally breathless, when i read that the boy got raped. i was stunned, and tears welled up uncontrollably and i sobbed into my pillow as though i lost someone i loved. i closed the book and walked away and didn’t resume reading it for about a few weeks.

and at another time, i was watching this really passive movie. there was no particular storyline and it might as well be a regular life event. i remember, i was lying across my bed, with my legs resting against the wall and it was a sunday, and it was raining and i just did some stretching exercises on my bed and i had no particular interest in the movie, and the movie was just pleasant with no excitement – oh it’s called “a japanese story”, an australian film, and i was actually mildly enjoying it; like one would while going through some farmland in a car, not stopping, but just enjoying the scenery. and then, fuck ! the boy in the movie dies just like that and i was totally stunned and it left a bad taste in my mouth. i didn’t cry but i was just stunned. it brought out nightmares and the ghosts of my life. same deal with the movie “the bridge to terabithia”.

i mean these are also memories i suppose which i wouldn’t forget in a hurry but i am sure i can live without them.

wordless wednesdays…  it’s been a handful of quiet blissful days, pressing emotions into the lines of my palm to remember to share with you later. no matter how much sleep i get, i can’t seem to wake up in the morning, and my heart’s weird lately, & all of my bones crack whenever i move… so being the intelligent person that i’m, i’ve decided i’ve arthritis & probably i’m dying soon 🙂

i have mapped out a smart future for myself and my kitties… and i am working way too hard, physically and emotionally draining myself. all of this feels so big, so on the goddamn cusp, so right on the edge of this uncomfortable place i have returned to, surrounded by people i’ve no common threads with, but for you & me, our knots that tether us are tied in different places; my love stems from collecting & creating, so this is me stumbling blindly into this winter, this silent preparation for what is to come when i show up at your door & i’m once again giving myself to something that i once felt terrifying but now provides a comfort, a gentle murmur in the silences between us, here we go, here we go, here we go.


shout out to my nipples which tell me when it’s cold out. today the weather changed and we got sleet and slush and there was three inches of snow. it snowed/sleeted all day long and it was supposed to rain by the time we got out of work. but when i walked out, it was still sleeting and i was slipping and sliding and even when i was on dry ground, i almost slipped and this lil old woman was telling me, “i almost slipped three or four times and i am old so i am slipping” and i said, “i don’t think it makes any difference whether one is old or young when it comes to slipping”. so my troubles with commute were not done as i made way into an ocean of people on the subway platform and someone came on the overhead speakers and said someone fell on the tracks and we all groaned. and then there came another train and we all got into that one, the train car crammed to the gills with people, and we were all in our winter coats and the train was blowing warm air and i wanted to remove my coat, but there was no space to even move. through the speakers, the conductor was telling us “they are trying to clean the tracks” and everyone in the car went “eww” as just before his announcement, i informed my fellow passengers that some bastard jumped on the tracks and i am sorry that someone thought of committing suicide in this way, but i just want to go home to my babies. [recently i had to make a harsh decision to put another kid down because his heart failed him. he is/was my baby orange and such a sweet and a quiet gentlecat. love you sweetheart ! (3/23/2003-11/9/2018)]

after what seemed like ages, the american boy finally returned from his travels and while my raging feelings calmed the fuck down a bit due to my asthma flares and other stuff, it was good to hear him talking very excitedly about absolutely nothing (other than his talks on sports). also a day or two ago, i went to give him his mail and he is like did you read this and i said, no, should i; so he went, well there are some articles, to which i replied, give that back to me when you are done and he just smiled coyly and i got the gist of it – i walked away telling him that his smile speaks volumes (he doesn’t read the journals obviously, as his smile made it apparent) i am a very intellectual & philosophical person, and i’m incapable of talking about small things like weather and so my conversations quickly turn into either a teaching moment for the other person or a very grounded philosophical discussion. so i enjoy these moments listening to someone getting excited about common things and talking about absolutely mundane shit because it’s like cleansing my brain palate or flossing my brain.

recently this bitch at work completely pissed me off and i usually don’t get angry that easily but there i was goddamn furious. there is a snake in our department whom i loathe and detest; she is the very evil, and spreads negativity and has really dark sense of humor and her nasally voice grates on my nerves and i’m sure she got no friends and not sure how she can live like that and while i feel compelled to feel christian sympathy towards her, i am no christ and she fucking makes me vomit just by existing; and it’s not just me but she even rubs my boss the wrong way and a couple of other people. but my boss, puts up with this person and i am like why ? if i were in her shoes, i would fire that person without even bothering to look back. but i am learning from my boss and i decided, i will play this goddamn game as i have an iq of 173 and i’m convinced this voldemort has an iq in single digits as it’s made apparent in her foolishness to cross my path. anyway, i will update you once i squished her into the ground. my friend brian giggles because i keep making snarky comments on this person.

contrast to this experience, there are young girl co-ops in my department which lift up my spirits (mustn’t forget tim here who sends snarky humorous responses to my emails because you gotta have humor in life because if not, it’s not worth living and tim’s sense of humor makes me giggle) and i think unwittingly i became their mum at work. i love these girls as they are smart and full of dreams and i am thankful to god for the opportunity to have a small consolation and a chance to teach and pass on my “motherly” wisdom to these girls.  they are very quiet and passive and i’m teaching them to be vocal and be confident. one of the girls and i are planning to may be go into real estate investing as we both found out through one of our many conversations, that we have much in common in terms of dreams. we probably start working on them sometime next year.

i also started ‘straightening’ the others in my company and some men who think they can override me just because they are men. i mean they are respectful to me but dismiss me quickly for whatever reason. for example, they check with me something and i usually answer if i know or i will get back to them once i do some research and find out and i observed that they would go to tim to verify and once i was right there and i put that person in place in front of tim and told him off very politely. i may be a girl/woman but i don’t bend that easily. i will stare people down and started stripping off their chauvinism gently but firmly.

i have been driven to insanity with people’s limited vocabulary. and to my dismay, i’m also picking up this bad habit. the use of the word “like” in conversations and as a gap filler is the recent said insanity driver; this morning i was riding the elevator up and down, for many reasons and the people around me were using this word to no end and i wanted to scream stop. my impatience may also be something to do wit my asthma flare today. i ran to catch my trolley and i almost passed out. this after taking 4 puffs of my inhaler. either my inhaler is not actuating medication or it’s not effective.

i keep seeing this woman during my commute and she wears the same dress every day.  and no it’s not a uniform. and she wears slippers.  i’m still trying to figure out if i should ask her if she has any warm clothes/shoes as i want to buy some for her, but i think i must wait a bit more to make sure she is not poor as i am thinking she may be. there’s another woman who does the same as well, but again, i must wait.

i have been thinking of getting contacts as i keep seeing this boy on my transit who reads on the train and he wears this nice smile and though he has glasses, i think he has both sorts of vision so it works for him to wear glasses all the time. but i have reading glasses and so i am thinking of getting contacts, so i can read books and smile into my books and also show off my sexy black eyes :p but someone told me there may not be contacts just for reading…. curses !

i love reading and love learning history because sometimes you learn little things that’s not widely known just like how beethoven’s für elise (for elise) was actually made for one of his students named therese and he was in love with her. she was a mediocre piano player so he made a melody so easy that even she could play it and impress people and hence the very iconic tune in the beginning, but then he finds out that she was engaged to a different man and so beethoven basically made the other parts so that she can never play it and if that’s not petty culture then idk what is.

my boys patriots lost last game and warriors (basketball) lost couple of games in a row and tonight warriors are playing against rockets (last year they almost lost to rockets and as i write this, they are getting thumped by rockets – yikes). i was explaining to my friend tom that the reason why i like tom brady (patriots qb) is because he gets angry when he loses without getting angry at his team mates or the rival team, but he gets angry at himself for not being good enough and i identify with him. i still don’t think he is sexy.

oh a boy who asked me out a while ago, texted me recently and said “i am 30 now and i would like to take you out for dinner”. i did tell him to get back to me once he is 30 because he was around 28 when he asked me out. so initially i told him sunday night, thinking that patriots are playing in the afternoon and when i found out that the game was at 4 pm or later than that, i told him i will not be able to go as i have to watch a game and he apparently is also for philadelphia teams and he said negative things about my boys and so i made him wait another week and then when i actually went to have dinner with him, i wore my patriots hoodie… and we went to this spanish / catalan restaurant and while the restaurant was full of people and no room to move, and it was noisy (god, americans are loud) but the food was divine.

november is almost over. the winds have turned icy and the last of the leaves are dropping off of the trees. god is painting the evening skies with november’s grays and blues and burnt ambers and into beautiful arrangement of clouds and pastel colors. i’m in awe and lost in the luxurious deconstruction of nature. who knew, that there is so much beauty in the destruction of nature.

it’s late and we lie in beds miles apart. but my thoughts are still with you and i think about loving you. “love is a verb. love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions.” don’t base your relationship around feelings. feelings come and go like the wind. love is a choice. as you develop the relationship and nurture it through loving them, you will be rewarded with the feelings of love. basically- i want you to know that you have a choice as to whether or not you’re a slave to your emotions. decide to take control and respond accordingly to values, instead of circumstances. one day i wake up and realize i’m completely and utterly happy, blissful even, and i know that this feeling derives from my significant other. feelings are what give color to life and experiences and i should not shut them out completely. i scan through my memories and i think its okay to express my emotions if it shows that i am living and caring; as socrates had advised: know thyself, pursue everything in moderation.

also, happy birthday jace… i love you and i’m getting closer to forgive you.

waiting to exhale

today felt a lot like being roughed up in a flight turbulence and getting assaulted on all the senses. like the sky swallowed me whole and brought me back to ages past when my heart was still there. i’m not sure what all this means. but maybe sometimes it’s better to remain uncertain. sometimes i look up at the night sky and all its twinkling bright stars and remember that i’m really just a speck in the universe.  and we all have that in common. and that somewhere, someone is feeling lost too and wondering which direction to head next.

do you remember the time when you read a piece from proust’s “remembrance of things past” ? “…one of those mornings, early in november, when in paris, if we stay indoors, being so near and yet prevented from witnessing the transformation scene of autumn, which is drawing so rapidly to a close without our assistance, we feel a regret for the fallen leaves that becomes a fever, and may even keep us awake at night.”

it’s autumn. it’s november. it’s getting to the time of the year when i love the most; when i loved you the most; the times with you; the time when we would sit outside in the cold for hours, with bare feet but snuggling in blankets, feeling warm and clutching each other; telling each other secrets and giggling softly into the night air. if you were here, i would tell you things that i had always been too afraid to form the words to say; that i’m so unhappy since you have been gone; that there were times when i wanted to cut shapes into my arms and that i feel so juvenile and stupid most of the time. i remember that there wasn’t a sound in the world but that of your breath by my left ear as we sat, speech abandoned for something greater.

i want to cry because i always feel so vulnerable and weak now a days. i want to cry because i’ve never been so hurt in my life, i want to cry because i didn’t deserve to have to fight these battles, and i didn’t deserve to have any battles at all, i want to cry because i would have floated through life unscathed, always smiling with you; i want to cry because there was nothing i wouldn’t do to hold you one more time and i would squeeze you so tightly that neither of us could breathe; even though, everything was so silent and cold, we were so warm and so in love.

and now? after all these years later, in the same temperatures, same clothing, whispering like an inpatient with a ghost in my closet; still in bare feet and still cold and clutching, this time at myself in these blankets.

i’ve been holding my breath for such a long time and my hands clenched into fists, too scared to breathe deeply and too scared to exhale. but i think, there are some better days ahead of me, ahead of us (i mustn’t forget my cats, must i ?) i think we can ease up and move ahead without this feeling of doom in my heart. i still feel sad though and i think i may breakdown and sob inconsolably when that time actually comes. but this time, i know you won’t be there to gather me into your chest.

the other day, sandalwood and i were aimlessly driving around, looking at the fallscape and leaves changing colors and then suddenly i came across a house which looked like that which we (julien & i) used to dream of. at least from outside it looks like that. i am thinking of checking it out, because as luck would have it it’s for sale. i’m excited and i want to see if i can buy it. if i do, i may have to replant the garden i started as a memory for jace, but i think this is the place, i want to settle in. i’m slowly coming to a place where i can exhale and unclench my fists. slowly and cautiously, i don’t feel doomed at all. i’ve even started to dream again softly and slowly. i’m making plans in spite of my own objections and i’m pulling myself ahead kicking and screaming because i don’t want to venture out. i feel a little wilted, a little faded because my youthful dreams have been stolen. i would blame someone if i could. this evening i came home and over dinner, talked to my cats about the plans i have for us; these plans don’t involve anyone else at all. at least for now. it’s just god, my cats and me. i’ve been waiting so long to exhale and even though i see the moment on the horizon, it’s not here yet. and i am getting restless and impatient. but may be tomorrow, or in a month, or two ! soon, soon, i’ll exhale….

allegory of the cave

whisper something beautiful to me. i’ve always wanted my life explained like a scientific paper published in nature with five figures. nature doesn’t allow more than 5 figures. so it would have been quite helpful if my life can be explained like that and with conclusions and what future direction i should go.

i’m a little wounded now. it sucks you know. one would think that as you grow older one would know how to manage feelings and a broken heart. i have gone round the world in a circle and ended up at square 1. do you ever get that malaise where you just feel utterly lonely ? i’m always alone, but i don’t often feel lonely. being alone is not necessarily a bad thing; it’s like when you visit a museum and you see something profound. i often feel that. everyone around me is moving, bustling, giggling and here i’m caught up in something; like all of a sudden everything is calm and there i have it. the moment of clarity in all that chaos which is otherwise my life. my life can best be explained by plato’s allegory of the cave, because i often feel like i’m trapped in my own life.  being physically and emotionally alone is something i’ve gotten used to it after julien’s and jace’s passing and i even started feeling good about being alone. listening to music, while running around in my underwear, keeping my head down, and smiling at strangers… odd feeling and different but good.

life is cruel. and the darkness in me isn’t seen, it’s only felt. i carry it like my shadow and it became invisible. but it takes a form when i remember. when autumn boy had that conversation with me, what i pushed into shadows came out. all the darkness which i push down, deep down in my heart, got loose and it came out. nostalgia… it’s delicate and potent. it breaks me and cripples me. nostalgia means the pain from an old wound. it’s a twinge in my heart far more powerful than memory alone. a feeling of a time, i ache deeply to go again.

but this may be a good thing because, i think i somehow eased into something with autumn boy, like a boundary was crossed and at least standing on the same level. maybe. or maybe i broke in to him or broke the wall which i put up. i’m still wary because he is a sorcerer and he spins his silvery web. like a spider he knits a spell and his magic. my darling, my darling, my blue-eyed boy… you made july sorrow-filled and lovely, and you made october lonely and you made every month in between beautiful hell.

but i keep thinking about being sincere and honest with myself. and the solution became clear, like the things the color blue brings to life. melancholia brings beautiful poetry out of me; for fuck sake, i literally glow… my dreams keep asking me “how did you survive”.. i answer hesitatingly “i’m able to pickout patterns one can’t detect” but i wish i didn’t survive.

i have been having lengthy conversations with sandalwood for the past few days. i wasn’t that keen on marriage in the first place because he is awfully younger than i’m and i think, he would be better off without me. he doesn’t see it that way (#facepalm) and while i enjoy his company deeply (and the sex is great), i halted the wedding plans for now. and yesterday we both went for a car ride in the evening… did i tell you, i like to speed ? but yesterday for the first time, i drove on pa turnpike. first time because i hate turnpikes. no life and no activity. i love driving on country roads. you don’t know what you get. a pothole or a deer or squirrel resting on the middle of the road. i get to drive through small towns and villages, and farmlands and simple life.

while driving, a-ha’s “take on me” came on the radio, and i was already doing 80 mph, and when this song came on, i floored the accelerator, screaming the song at the top of my lungs into the night air, while dancing in my seat and sandalwood laughing and saying that i have lost it.

autumn paints in colors, summer could get jealous of. the sunset was spread over in the evening sky, making the clouds blush and bloom into beautiful roses.

we hiked till it’s a bit dark and was getting cold; we both wanted to have sex, but then we realized my cell phone’s battery is almost gone, because the charger in my car wasn’t charging, his was on ½ life and we have no clue where we were and when it’s dark everything looks the same and we were in the middle of nowhere. here i should tell you a funny time. julien and i were at a ski resort in utah, he wanted to ski and i tried to learn and after having bum black and blue, i gave up. So one day we drove to yellow stone national park and we camped there and we were happily having sex in the back of our suv, when a bear came through the front and julien (naked and all) jumped out and trying to drag me out and i was frantically looking for my pants and not moving; he was so upset and he kept yelling the bear doesn’t care about me being naked… i finally found my pants and pulled them on but by that time, the bear got bored and left.

work is cool as usual. my boss gave me good news and i’m chuffed about it. i stayed home today to work on a few projects. my boss gets paranoid when i take off as she thinks that i may leave and now a days even tim started on it. when i informed him i won’t be in, he is like you are coming in the tomorrow right ? i told him that he is getting paranoid as well. i like conversations with him because he is genuine. and humble. he is good for my intellect and to keep me laughing. his humor is subtle. he thinks his humor is dry and i explained to him that his humor is subtle, like ‘frasier’ (tv show) or like britcoms and only people with more than two neurons would get that sense of humor.  for that matter both my boss and tim make me laugh. a lot.

i have been away from gym and i can see myself getting bloated what with the steroids. now i have to go back and be studious about it.

last sunday my colleague from work and i went to watch patriots game at this sports bar. and here’s the thing. i actually called them up to ask if they are airing and the said yes. so we go there to find out, no audio or no closed captions and we talked to the manager, the hostess, the waiters and no dice. the bar is airing eagles game (philadelphia) on every other tvs with audio on the bar speakers and closed captions. i can’t fathom their logic and we both left and i wrote a nasty review on yelp. i’m usually nice even when people are evil, but yea, not this time. the cherry on this pie was eagles lost (and in a most bizarre and unbelievable way) while patriots won.

i went out this evening to get gas and this song came on “if you like pina colada” and for a change, i was actually paying attention to the lyrics because i usually tune out songs i don’t like and let my brain make up stories in general. i’m not sure, but i think this song is about adultery. and in the song, the couple who tried to commit adultery is not actually acknowledging it. i was like that can’t be right, is it ?

my cat, winter is quite a conversationalist when the mood strikes him. he is now in my bed, talking away. he is one of those cats, who actually answers to your questions and i have been racking my brain to figure out how best i could explain plato’s allegory of the cave to him as i think that’s how my life has been going and he is a good listener and he would also help me in his own way to figure things out, so i bid you all good night and will now go and have this philosophical discussion with him.

hollow echoes…

unbelievable how fast the time goes. it feels like october just made an appearance, like yesterday, and here we are almost at the end of this month.

this week was a bit hard, you guys, in spite of all my favorite teams won and i’m afraid i’ve forgotten again how to be happy. i know sadness, i know fear, i know longing and anxiety and despair. i am always trying to be content but you know happiness is a choice and well, everything is heavy now. i’m weighed down and i can do nothing.

living is just not enough – one must have kittens, books and flowers; i was always trying to fill in gaps and wide open spaces left behind by all those people i loved before and i kept drifting in between what it means to find the one person that can mean everything, sweep me off my feet in a rush of falling in love too soon and getting caught in the net of potential.

we all have stories and sometimes we can’t face the truth and we are not honest.

what i am trying to say is, i forgotten to be sincere with myself. i thought that it’s tangible and raw, picked from the sleeve where i carry my emotions on, but i’m not sure.

i have remainders and reminders from my story; figurative paper cuts, dog-eared memory holders, a little smudge of tears. my story is clumsily written and sometimes it’s difficult; sometimes a handful of pills and a glass all empty; sometimes a razor and thin red lines on my inner thighs. my words stumble and slip but there are still details in my breaths and syllables. even though my thoughts are inconsistent, my head is not concise, and my sense is irregular, i try my best to make my words genuine. after all, a true story isn’t told; it’s felt.

i need to keep grounded, even when my head is in the clouds. i have to stay honest with myself. i need to remain humbled. i keep fighting and all through my life, i keep hearing myself telling me, that i’m not “deserving” or “valuable.”

if you listen closely enough, you can hear when a life breaks. it’s 8776 days since julien passed away. it’s 1618 days since jace passed. everyone thinks that it’s the initial pain that hurts the most when someone dies.

they’re wrong.

it’s the missing that leaves your teeth aching, the trembling fingertips when all you want is to press the call button on your phone, the time when you realize that there are things they will never live through. it’s sitting across the dinner table and saying “there’s nothing more that i want than what is impossible to become possible again.” it’s the 14th of every month. it’s the 23rd of every month. it’s those moments where you just need to share when you see a cute kitty photo or what to do when you’re angry at something or someone. it’s that never ending desire to talk to them every day. trying to remember what my last conversation was and what i should have said instead.

but the hardest thing, the most painful, is that the sadness will never go away; it will only subside and fade. and living with constant sadness hurts more than anything else.

but you know what ? i sing anyway.

it’s up to me to make memorable moments so i can lean on. life is not measured in number of breaths i take, but in moments which take my breath away.

to the ‘autumn-boy’

he kept explaining to me cleverly & cunningly that he knows “autumn” as a name for girls but never “octopus”. i stood there explaining that he was mistaken that i ever said that, while completely floored at his cleverness & slyness in inserting hidden messages into an impromptu conversation and then proceeding to tell me things which i try and hide. if i were to do something like that i probably would have drafted out a conversation, rehearsed it in front of a mirror and would have made awkward attempts to direct the other person to my scripted conversation and then failing miserably.

but here is the thing. as brilliant as his conversational masterpiece was, what good is that to me ? what the fuck do i do with that piece of information ? i guessed as much that i didn’t quite managed to hide my feelings and then there was that time, when he turned around and ran away from me screaming when he thought i’m about to confess.

every time i am around the autumn boy, i keep falling in love with him and i keep wanting to stay and linger, just a little bit longer. i keep telling myself that i have a secret that nobody knows. it starts in my heart and consumes me as a whole. i store it deep down and i always find myself in two minds wanting to spill and not wanting to share. and praying that one-day i might feel whole. it makes me sigh softly, groan silently and makes my eyes sparkle with tears. it eats away at all my feelings, until i become numb and cold as a steel. layers of frost on my heart, feeling lost and feeling old. if he ever knows my secret i would want him to know that i love him still and that i will watch him from afar and with care. and i’ll send my kisses through the sweet air.

my moments with you are bittersweet. they keep me happy, making me think of what we could have, and making me crazy with all of my delusional wishes. thinking that you’re flirting when you really only asking me simple questions. it’s all so difficult, but what to do ? you make me feel like i have missed out something important. i know we can never be and i’ve forbidden myself to fall for you. but still, i’m terrified that when i’m married, with a man who truly loves me, that i’ll still be thinking of you. wondering about endless what-ifs. what if i had the courage to say how i feel ? what if you have the courage to acknowledge me and risk asking me out. what if we go through endless things together, giggling all the way. i want to feel your hands on my waist & my body against yours. how long should i wait ? i used to think that you were shallow, and flash and i would never date you or marry you because twenty minutes into our dinner date, i would probably slap you silly. but now i am thinking, maybe you can learn to understand me. maybe you are just as lost as i’m and wanted me to know you through all that haze and flash. i don’t let people grow close to me.  i would let you in but i don’t trust you that you would handle me with care. i was broken in a million pieces and i carefully glued and stitched myself together. i’m hard to get to know, as i bury myself deep under many layers. but i’m thinking i could be wrong about you. you should know i love you always.

there’s more to tell but that’s how it always goes with you, there’s always more to say, you’ll always listen (or read) and so will i. i would want you to write me a poem and bring me flowers and i still haven’t erased you from the top half of my list of “maybe-s”, and “when you wish upon a star”, but i might be getting there, maybe. we’re never walking in the same direction, but maybe we can wish for the same like we hint at wanting.

my darling, life was so much better when i didn’t give a fuck about you.

i still love you anyway.

(oct. 10, 2018)