week 4 – shelter in place

pink moon

only to the moon will i tell all my secrets. this week’s highlights in some pictures. there was pink super moon and because of the weather,i took this shot of the moon on 8th i think.

some of the excerpts from my kids photos. my kids finally stopped judging me silently for staying home 24 / 7 instead of going to work and toiling to bring home their roast chicken; my kids though eyed me suspiciously, soon realized the benefits of me being home, like they can get food every two minutes.

i have taught my baby girl skittles to play the ipad mouse game and she taught the other kids…. well there isn’t much to the game but you do have to whack the mouse and i taught her that and she immediately learned as she is immensely smart and i swear to god she actually understands human language more than a few words like the other pets. i am also convinced that despite the language barrier, if i send her to school, she will master the program within few months and graduate with honors. i am immensely proud of that kid.

my boy sonu (the black kitty) is the best son a mum could have. zz, the tiny moron, still does the “i want my mum” routine where he regularly forgets that i’m upstairs and cries his heart out, and as he can’t hear on account he is deaf, i have to go and bring him upstairs (and he sleeps like this with one hand on my body);

IMG_1645

one day instead of getting up and run to the head of the stairs to let him know i’m home, i asked sonu, my lovely son, who is resting beside me, to go get him; i went, “sonu love, could you go bring him upstairs” and off sonu went and brought him upstairs which really surprised me to be honest. i thought this may be random thing but then again a couple of days later, mr. forgot-mum-is-home-so-i’ll-cry resumed crying, and i asked sonu again, and off sonu went to bring the boy upstairs. and this time around sonu wasn’t even in the same room and so i had to actually call him loudly. it made me tear up to be honest as sometimes i feel the emptiness of not having a human child (that is till i meet an actual human child and then i don’t regret not having any kids) as i think, my babies make it up thousand fold !

i continued to watch “walter presents” and for once, i found a tv show (icelandic) “the cliff” really worth watching and didn’t giggle at all like i always do. i also watched “the killing of the sacred deer” which made no fucking sense and i may also have thrown up a little in my mouth.  there is a new mystery featuring david tennant, my favorite doctor (doctor who) but it is in goddamn installments and i must wait every week.and oh, i purchased (from amazon) all the miyazaki (studio ghibli) movies as i never get tired of them and i enjoy watching them over and over. as also i enjoy reading adventures of tin tin (and i own the entire set of books) and asterix (again own the entire set), i sometimes wonder if i got stuck in my childhood and of course it doesn’t surprise me a bit on account of lost and traumatic childhood where it’s not so much of parental stress but mostly of society. that story for a non-quarantine times.

this weekend, we enjoyed my sunny, quiet backyard during this time of distance. reflecting on my own mind, which i have silenced with a constant business. as difficult as this all had been, i am looking to stay positive and focusing on healing. reopening my mind and challenging it without expectation.

i have spent such a long time standing in place, only moving forward when propelled and prompted. the past might continue to splinter me here and there, but i’m no longer young and naive to remain still and fractured in my little corner of the world. we wander around often blindly like our eyes still feel the sting from the voices who told us we were too much and yet not enough. our backs hunched and our hands covered with burned loves and still questioning how to stop the tremors. the young years have crippled us, left us mad and doubtful right in the margin between an old memory and a blooming possibility. you’re going to survive all of this, i urged quietly to my wrists, lips pressed against the scars. listen, i used to only know how to dissolve so quietly that no one else can feel it, but i think i’m learning how to compromise less and expand more.

for you a thousand times over…

december 12, 2018

my relationship with american boy is in full swing i.e., in my dreams. i have been dreaming a series of episodes since my last post, in fact, the very night i posted, i had dreamt of him and being in relationship with him. when i woke up the next day, i smiled and giggled out loud at the absurdity, but that day, i actually was deliriously happy; like a high you get when you take drugs. but as it happens with drugs, i eventually crashed down to reality. it made me a bit sad but i wasn’t sure what i should do. but then, again, i had another dream and i picked it up from where my first dream left off and continued on. so in summary, i now have a fullfledged relationship with him and we have two girls and one or two boys in our very “normal” family where i was wearing indian dresses and acting like a “girl”. the second time it happened, i was like “ew brain, it’s fucked up and let’s not do that again”, but my brain continued to dream. so now i am on fifth of episode of my “relationship” and i can’t wait to find out what happens in season finale. i had considered a relationship with him but in spite of my deep feelings for him and my friends encouraging me to “get him” i am not sure if we are a good match and i suspect i may end up dumping him in a few days. our differences, to name a few, are very apparent. i am family oriented, and my kids are my priority and i think, he loves parties and travels and while i do love traveling, one sniffle from my kids, i would drop everything and stay back. our travel destinations will be quite different as well. i would probably end up in the amazonian jungles and climbing through incan and mayan ruins, and traversing through egyptian pyramids, cursing at every step of the way and gasping for air and hating the insects, heat and humidity, but i know i would love that experience and i would be the first person to buy a ticket to moon or mars, and i will have a full blown anxiety attack during my trip to moon but i will sit there eating restoril pills to calm the fuck down.  but for now, these dreams of mine are a nice distraction, as i halted my love life for now unable to fully commit to sandalwood. and i am thoroughly enjoying these dreams of mine, while being careful not to bleed my dreams into reality and shock the fuck out of the american boy by saying something totally inappropriate for the work environment. i guess spending time with him would be like…

to see a world in a grain of sand,
and heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour.
~ william blake

hello there december ! the month of snow, lights and feasts and warmth ! december arrived with warmth but then turned gloomy, blue and transparent. it was icy cold, and my asthma was exasperated. all i want to do is rest and rest and jut sit about doing nothing but read and relax.  after going through a lot of misery, got myself an asthma specialist and he started testing me for allergies and lo and behold, i am allergic to all the 48 allergens in his panel. those ranged from cats (yes), dogs, rabbits, pheasants, dust, pollen, grass, egg shells and some other stuff…. interesting, i thought, that i am still alive ! well, as long as i don’t develop allergy to oxygen i should be good i am thinking. who knows, it’s too soon to speculate as i have a few more years left in me.

for you a thousand times over…. i started rereading “the kite runner” as i am missing my home town. but i was traumatized the first time i read it. i completely immerse myself in the books i read and i almost become a part of that book. so i remember vividly when i read that book, i was lying on my belly on my bed, with pillow tucked under my boobs and the book spread on the mattress, my hands under my chin, smiling into the book, and roaming the afghan hills and streets with these two friends, eating imaginary dried mulberries, flying imaginary kites and reliving my halcyon days when i did that as a child – especially flying kites in tournament. the preparation which went into the kite strings. we collected glass shards and cacti for glue and made a pulp of ground glass and cacti and applying it on the string, so it’s sharp and we can cut the other kids’ kites. and so i was reading on, frowning at the bullies and all of a sudden i felt as though someone punched me hard in my stomach, making me totally breathless, when i read that the boy got raped. i was stunned, and tears welled up uncontrollably and i sobbed into my pillow as though i lost someone i loved. i closed the book and walked away and didn’t resume reading it for about a few weeks.

and at another time, i was watching this really passive movie. there was no particular storyline and it might as well be a regular life event. i remember, i was lying across my bed, with my legs resting against the wall and it was a sunday, and it was raining and i just did some stretching exercises on my bed and i had no particular interest in the movie, and the movie was just pleasant with no excitement – oh it’s called “a japanese story”, an australian film, and i was actually mildly enjoying it; like one would while going through some farmland in a car, not stopping, but just enjoying the scenery. and then, fuck ! the boy in the movie dies just like that and i was totally stunned and it left a bad taste in my mouth. i didn’t cry but i was just stunned. it brought out nightmares and the ghosts of my life. same deal with the movie “the bridge to terabithia”.

i mean these are also memories i suppose which i wouldn’t forget in a hurry but i am sure i can live without them.

wordless wednesdays…  it’s been a handful of quiet blissful days, pressing emotions into the lines of my palm to remember to share with you later. no matter how much sleep i get, i can’t seem to wake up in the morning, and my heart’s weird lately, & all of my bones crack whenever i move… so being the intelligent person that i’m, i’ve decided i’ve arthritis & probably i’m dying soon 🙂

i have mapped out a smart future for myself and my kitties… and i am working way too hard, physically and emotionally draining myself. all of this feels so big, so on the goddamn cusp, so right on the edge of this uncomfortable place i have returned to, surrounded by people i’ve no common threads with, but for you & me, our knots that tether us are tied in different places; my love stems from collecting & creating, so this is me stumbling blindly into this winter, this silent preparation for what is to come when i show up at your door & i’m once again giving myself to something that i once felt terrifying but now provides a comfort, a gentle murmur in the silences between us, here we go, here we go, here we go.

comeback kings

and superbowl 52 !

well, my boys, patriots have done it again and headed to the super bowl for the tenth time, fresh off of 7th consecutive afc championship game and facing philadelphia eagles…

tomorrow night is the superbowl 52 night and i’m firmly in patriot’s corner surrounded by eagles… i’m going out with “sandalwood boy” (long story i will tell you later but he smells of sandalwood) to a sportsbar near my home and i will be wearing patriot colors and sandalwood told me he will protect me because he wears eagles and i laughed hard and told him, i know he may have to protect me from the sourpuss eagles fans once patriots win the superbowl.

this whole week has been one eagles related saga as i’m in philadelphia and rightly so, and i was asked by many eagles fans when they saw me wearing patriots hoodie “you know, you are in philadelphia, right” and i acknowledged yes and that eagles fans should be proud that they at least made it to the finals; others begged me to have this one game for eagles as patriots have five… i said, it’s really nice but probably tommy brady would like to get another record under his belt… (having high score for passing yards and winning the trophy at the same time).

i felt bad for nick foles because i read an article which read “how to turn foles into a wentz” and i got royally ticked off… wentz may be fine but foles wasn’t too shabby and eagles fans were also nasty when after a win, foles went home to tuck his daughter in, instead of staying to party. i mean, he knows his priorities and i would be happy for him if eagles win (no chance) so as to shut all his haters..

had dinner with sandalwood tonight and i changed my plans of valentines and going out with him after he caught me off guard and recited this poem to me: “roses are red, foxes are clever, i like your butt, let me touch it forever………”

i was laughing so hard in the restaurant and drew everyone’s attention. in all this i still was thinking of my american boy. as it’s my custom, i gave full disclosure to sandalwood.

on friday at work, we had a superbowl party and i wore my hoodie and oh, i forgot, the american boy sent out a blast email “to wear the eagles jersies if you are raised right” and i was cackling to myself at that but well… i got him back for that.

he was super excited about this whole thing and i’m so sorry for him come monday as his excitement will be down in the drains. there were some trivia games and i sucked at them mostly as i don’t know the terminology for american football and there was this finding words (given below the thing like patriots, superbowl, etc) in a jumble of letters and my boss circles “joey” and the girl i was sitting next to and i were giggling while making up follow-up stories…

we also had a fire alarm go off and while hearing all that noise, i started panicking purely because the announcer kept saying not to get out of the building in essence and i felt trapped and i started getting anxious and i ran to joanne, as she is also comforting to me and she held my hand and told me it would be ok.

i’m so grateful for those moments when strangers are kind to me.

and oh a funny thing… i was watching a game show on tv “child support” i think it may have been a rerun as it was like 1 am or something. it was all those wee morning feedings to horus. and the premise of the show is if the contestant gets a question wrong then the same question is put to a bunch of kids and if the kids get it right, the contestant is saved from elimination. anyway, the question was “in order to take the temperature of a child orally, where is the thermometer placed” and i fucking kid you not as this woman answered in the butt…. when the kids were asked the question they said under the tongue and one child actually said. “orally means in the mouth”…. and my brain was thinking, hasn’t she ever performed oral sex  and what exactly did she do when some asked for an oral sex… so many questions…

on a side note:  justin timberlake is performing at the super bowl again and i’m sorry but i just can’t stop thinking about the fact that janet jackson was put through so much crap in the music industry, the tv industry, the superbowl, and was publicly shamed to the point of humiliation all over a wardrobe malfunction that happened over 10 years ago….. all because a nipple showed and this really pisses me off because firstly it was an accident and secondly we see a lot of nudity even in tv shows and actually i may need to rant about this and goddamn americans are so conservatives at the wrong moments and i certainly don’t want people to pop their boobs out for no reason (remember i am a feminist) but for pete’s sake just chill…., i just hope janet makes an appearance at this superbowl and if she does, the feminist in me will growl and purr with happiness

well, i’m planning to sit (or shout or pull my hair or sandalwood’s) and thoroughly enjoy superbowl. it’ll be a battle but they will win. the amount of heart and soul each member puts into the game is just beautiful. i will be watching their smiles on their faces as the clock ticked down to zero will bring tears again to my eyes. i know they will get this done and i have never doubted it and i won’t start now. even when i was ridiculed by everyone under the sun, when deflategate was rocking the nation.

i know they will continue to grind and work as hard as they always had and they will make me happy no matter the outcome. the drive for 6 starts and ends here and we’re on to super bowl 52. my prediction is patriots win by more than 7 points 🙂

let’s go patriots and god bless you !