action de grâce 2020

so autumn came speaking in the language of colors and i have been away for a while lost in the wonderful world of plants. and with the winter comes loss to make the way for new beginnings. the necessary seemingly never endless grey haze before you fall asleep. where dream and wake is knitted together with fine wool. to keep you warm. to keep you unsure.

days have been consumed with lots of good things, great things and sad things. but here i am, to report on my wee life.

it’s almost end of november, thanksgiving is around the corner and the smell of burning wood in fire places is in the air. mornings are wonderfully fog filled and what can i say, i’m content and blissful.

i’ve lost another kitty sadly and at the same time i ‘m happy to say he had a long and carefree life and he didn’t give any indication that anything was wrong at all. alas, this is the truth about animals as they mask their sickness.  i named this kitty after my human child. we carry little burdens in our hearts. a small funeral procession is carried out with every loss. a funeral that ignites on its own. a sadness that rises like the embers of winter firewood. a past self, the size of our fist. a heart swollen up inside our rib cage. a word so heavy it has no name. something so full that it feels empty. a hollow carcass that beats with our name. and a taste so fickle it fades before the feelings are swallowed. a smell so sublime, it vanishes before sleep arrives. a death so vivid, it blurs all the innocence left behind. a price so huge it takes all goodness to recover. and sooner or later these little flying flickers of daily routine, turn into huge weights over our shoulders. we look down and walk more humbly. we smile quietly and pick words with care. we say goodbyes with a delicate caress and hello with warm embrace. we live life all the time wondering what if ? and price of life that doesn’t exist.

couple of weeks prior to his passing, i took another kitty to the vet on an emergency visit. here i have to say that i really like my new vets even though they are super busy for my liking and it’s hard to get a regular appointment. i observed that snuggles was breathing funny and so off i took him to the vet. what i didn’t realize was that emergency appointment means the vet would take a look at him between the regularly scheduled appointments and so the kid was sitting by himself in an examination room while i was sitting outside in the car and i think he totally freaked out. and i finally got him home around 4:30 pm on a saturday and i returned to him to give him some food when i saw him flopping on the floor turning blue and trying to catch his breath. i called the vet and after realizing i was unable to help him and i am not going to bring him to a vet in that condition, i said a little prayer and waited on him to die. as he was trying to throw up, i opened his mouth and removed the sticky mucous from his mouth and throat and i think it helped him a bit as he was no longer blue but still lying on the floor. i kept stroking him a bit and read to him psalm 121.  after a few hours he seemed to recover but only the second episode started around 10 pm and i was pretty sure he would die. i mean, to see this kitty in so much pain and my inability to help, is too much for me. at one point i actually wanted to break his neck so as to give him a quick death but i didn’t have balls. so i secluded the kid in another room, in all honesty thinking that he will die, said another prayer, chanted psalm 121 and left him in the room. an hour later i went back to see if he died, and to my surprise the kid was sitting up and i bawled. i quickly gave him his medications and shoved some food into him as i thought if he died at least i did my best. i was up all night and went back every couple of hours to see how he was faring and also to feed him couple of mouthfuls of food. i left him some water, some food and also a litter box. and on sunday at around 8 am i went to give him his pills and also some food but when i opened the door, the kid dashed out of the room made a bee line to the litter box they usually use and had a good pee. he was a bit unsteady on his feet but he surprised me a lot. by sunday evening, he was behaving as if nothing happened while i was dozing in and out of sleep with an eye on him. my kids surprise me to bits. now a days i am bit worried that they are super comfortable with me being home a lot and so i think they may get separation anxiety when i go back to office.

speaking of office, i am thinking of asking my boss that i want to make my job work from home and i kinda hinted at it. i seriously have almost couple of hours of commute each way and as i have no intention of taking public transportation due to covid in any foreseeable future. i probably have to look for another job in case my job doesn’t become work from home deal.

as i reported previously, i have started gathering plants in an effort to duplicate my mother’s garden…  i have a few more plants to go to complete the list. i have other plants like orchids, as well and i am steadily collecting them. but most recently i started collecting rare (and thus expensive) plants and when i say plants, they are cuttings and seedlings. all these cutting and seedlings are costing me a lot of dollars to be honest and i have been eagerly waiting for tax refund so i can splurge on a rare plant cutting which is costing me an arm and half a leg ! i think i will also buy some more orchids to add to my orchid collection.  i have watering schedules for all my plants as i get exhausted watering them all in a day, and i have different day schedules for them.

so i can safely say my portfolio now involves some equity in goddamn expensive plants. and also as these plants are toxic to animals i have make shift terrariums and mini glass greenhouses.  i have joined rare plant groups and learning a lot on these projects. people are so knowledgeable and kind. the most expensive cutting which i purchased so far was $2500 and yes there are plants much more expensive than these…

i have been incredibly happy with my projects and how i’m diversifying my mental portfolio.

read a lot less books than i wanted to as now a days i have less time and also as i started to watch a lot more television episodes so i can polish my french and spanish languages. the important french phrase i learned was “je m’en bats les couilles” which literally means ‘i beat my nuts about it’ which is obviously a bit vulgar and so “i don’t give a flying fuck or no fucks given” would serve the same purpose.

we are heading into another lockdown / quarantine. i started to think of good days and social interactions as to food- for example the other day i said that the last good day before lockdown has last me for three weeks (mentally and emotionally) and the social reunion with my friends on thursday will last me another three i think. you know what i mean ? it’s like okay i had something very good that i can think of for the next few weeks and be happy. taking care of yourself is very important and i will go get my flu shot this week as i’m off work. i probably will cook an elaborate meal and stuff myself while watching some favorite shows. (i have been lazy and wasn’t cooking and have been living on nothing but coffee, brioche, cheetos and diet soda)

the choice is always ours. the pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. ~ william arthur ward

happy thanks giving !!

autumn mists

i have been driving to work lately as the trains have become increasing unreliable and the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back was when i had to go back home to get the car because the goddamn train broke down and i detest driving during rush hour as lots of morons are on the road at the same time. but in general i do love driving when no one else is on the road as i love to get lost in my thoughts as my brain is marvelous in thinking things and it has been amazing these few days weather-wise as it is after all fall and the trees are changing colors and i’ve been insanely happy during these glorious morning and evening commutes. i’m also listening to some webinars and other good stuff.

beautiful beautiful autumn ! every year i fall in love with nature and get lost in it’s brilliance of colors. here are a few of the photos of my morning commute where i’ve driven through mists and fog and lost in all of the beauty; the trees changing colors in my vale and my neighborhood and alas lots of yellows but not many reds :/ (i’ll post my evening one as well as it is also super amazing driving thru the dark, twisty roads, with trees towering and changing the landscape giving it a little spooky feel)

the first breath of autumn, the distance from my heart to you ! for what is the point in always looking back – we have our own twilights, shadows, mists and abysses.

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to the ‘autumn-boy’

he kept explaining to me cleverly & cunningly that he knows “autumn” as a name for girls but never “octopus”. i stood there explaining that he was mistaken that i ever said that, while completely floored at his cleverness & slyness in inserting hidden messages into an impromptu conversation and then proceeding to tell me things which i try and hide. if i were to do something like that i probably would have drafted out a conversation, rehearsed it in front of a mirror and would have made awkward attempts to direct the other person to my scripted conversation and then failing miserably.

but here is the thing. as brilliant as his conversational masterpiece was, what good is that to me ? what the fuck do i do with that piece of information ? i guessed as much that i didn’t quite managed to hide my feelings and then there was that time, when he turned around and ran away from me screaming when he thought i’m about to confess.

every time i am around the autumn boy, i keep falling in love with him and i keep wanting to stay and linger, just a little bit longer. i keep telling myself that i have a secret that nobody knows. it starts in my heart and consumes me as a whole. i store it deep down and i always find myself in two minds wanting to spill and not wanting to share. and praying that one-day i might feel whole. it makes me sigh softly, groan silently and makes my eyes sparkle with tears. it eats away at all my feelings, until i become numb and cold as a steel. layers of frost on my heart, feeling lost and feeling old. if he ever knows my secret i would want him to know that i love him still and that i will watch him from afar and with care. and i’ll send my kisses through the sweet air.

my moments with you are bittersweet. they keep me happy, making me think of what we could have, and making me crazy with all of my delusional wishes. thinking that you’re flirting when you really only asking me simple questions. it’s all so difficult, but what to do ? you make me feel like i have missed out something important. i know we can never be and i’ve forbidden myself to fall for you. but still, i’m terrified that when i’m married, with a man who truly loves me, that i’ll still be thinking of you. wondering about endless what-ifs. what if i had the courage to say how i feel ? what if you have the courage to acknowledge me and risk asking me out. what if we go through endless things together, giggling all the way. i want to feel your hands on my waist & my body against yours. how long should i wait ? i used to think that you were shallow, and flash and i would never date you or marry you because twenty minutes into our dinner date, i would probably slap you silly. but now i am thinking, maybe you can learn to understand me. maybe you are just as lost as i’m and wanted me to know you through all that haze and flash. i don’t let people grow close to me.  i would let you in but i don’t trust you that you would handle me with care. i was broken in a million pieces and i carefully glued and stitched myself together. i’m hard to get to know, as i bury myself deep under many layers. but i’m thinking i could be wrong about you. you should know i love you always.

there’s more to tell but that’s how it always goes with you, there’s always more to say, you’ll always listen (or read) and so will i. i would want you to write me a poem and bring me flowers and i still haven’t erased you from the top half of my list of “maybe-s”, and “when you wish upon a star”, but i might be getting there, maybe. we’re never walking in the same direction, but maybe we can wish for the same like we hint at wanting.

my darling, life was so much better when i didn’t give a fuck about you.

i still love you anyway.

(oct. 10, 2018)

autumn notes….

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so much sweet beauty ! no one told this little one that autumn has arrived and it’s time to fold her colors and pack them up in a suit case…

i almost tread on this one while walking to my car on the last day of october…. and since then i can’t find her as it gets dark out when i step off my trolley and walk to my car and now i don’t walk on the grass so i won’t step on her…

“i believe in you.” words that water flowers.
~ michael faudet

autumn sunsets

10/30/2017

 

 

when i was coming home tonight the autumn sun was setting and as he was saying his passionate farewells, he set fire to the sky and to all the trees, locking them in his fiery embrace which lasted only a few minutes but what an embrace it was !

sometimes the sun sets at such a perfect angle and that the number of degrees between the ocean and the moon is adjacent to the way i feel about you on a particularly emerald nights or are they ruby nights ? the other day someone told me that in order to truly understand the phenomenon known as accidental daydreaming, you must focus all your energy on the gold flecked lights that precariously hang in the gaps between negative space and your imagination…. this morning so early almost on the lip of the morning, i was lying on my bed, thinking of you.. how i wish the evening’s slumber had not stolen me from lovers’ words. and still, i waited patiently tucking thoughts back as if they were strands of hair. i marvel that i should feel such an honest love and so full of layered devotion. would you believe me if i confessed that i speak in sensual language during the hours of my slumber ? i’m always with you – the threads tethering me to you are tightly woven and not time, nor years or distance can pull these apart. and one day soon (i promise), we will hold each other till dawn. my mind is savoring the taste of your fingers touching mine, your tender hold and our first embrace… and here i lie, sighing, and hands clasped and waiting.

it feels dangerous to love someone from afar in the autumn. i have become overly aware of everything around me – the shiver of my body when i step into the crisp air, the tenderness of everyone who feels the slow decay of nature, the fickle attitude of weather patterns and hearts.

you start to notice what isn’t there, too. the warmth of a hand folded into yours, quiet conversations with your breath hanging in the air. lonely gets harder. sometimes it feels easier to push it aside, ignore the absence with excuses and replacements. to forget the important part of you that lingers with someone else, the places where they have filled you with their pieces.

maybe that slippage, the way we hesitate during the elongated pauses, is the problem with distance. i hate to always return to the idea of bravery, of courage, yet maybe that’s the only way to be sustainable these days. may be it’s better to burn out than to fade away.