week 11 – shelter in place

encouraged by the new app i got, as i wanted to do a sugar detox (kill me now please), i tried some new recipes and i quickly found myself hopelessly lost in a wonderland of bad decisions.

i got this app to track my macro-nutrients as i always consume less than what i need in a day not because i was dieting but because i am by nature lazy to eat and so i end up eating nutritionally imbalanced food. as we are staying home i thought i would improve my eating habits by tracking my food intake and believe it or not i was not only undereating calorically speaking, but am horribly imbalanced in my consumption of macros, over consuming carbs (well i eat a lot of rice), less protein and just the right amount of fats. my caloric intake is still less but the nutrient balance has improved considerably and also my water intake.

the bitch app always gives me a blue :/ (speechless emoji) as i am either under caloric or not enough balance, nutritionally speaking. interestingly, i find that getting up to the required 600 calories for lunch or dinner is very hard and i mean, i eat the same amount which i used to (now kind of balanced) and it’s like 200 calories. what the actual fuck ! and to top it, the protein content is no where near and i can only eat so many eggs in a day. so i started making protein jellies (20 cals / jelly) still less but i can either eat as snack or put them in breakfast bowls.

on sunday my neighborhood did an organized protest regarding the death of george floyd and i, as usual, missed it (i later saw the note my neighbors stuck in my screen door informing me of the protest and to come by). actually i also missed the whole thing about his death on account i stopped watching news a while ago, as now a days the news were about covid19 and how everyone is dealing with it in their own stupid way, and yours truly gets really bored with cheesy emotions humans portray… i am not sorry about missing out on the news of his death but i am sorry that he had to die unnecessarily and how stupid this whole racism is and people have no sense and mind you, i won’t take sides on this shit because americans (and probably the whole goddamn world) are goddamn racists, whites and blacks and the others (indians, chinese, etc). what irritates me the most is that they pretend that they are not racists and that they are ok but their actions speak the loudest. i think racism stems from selfishness and it is based on not being cultured or educated enough. i am not talking about degrees, i am talking about reading and obtaining knowledge and expanding ones horizons and not having the same amoeba brain one is born with. anyway, for some reason, i went by my window and i saw a police car and i thought it was weird and may be it was by mistake  (because the other day there was a fire episode and the fire engines came into my neighborhood with all the sounds and bells and whistles, disturbing our precious naps, and it was a mistake and our neighbors have to reroute them to the correct location). and lo, i saw my a few of my neighbors taking a knee and some standing with posters and i wondered, ‘couldn’t you have gone on to the road (route 100) is just a few yards away’ and my kitty boy pepper, who was lounging on the sill looked at me with questioning eyes as if to say “what the hell is this and who disturbs my nap’ and i answered ‘i got no clue’.

and then this happened. the other day the temps went up to 80ish and all the young girls in the neighborhood stripped down to their undies and played with water. i watched them interestingly and considered our cultural differences and how my parents would have beaten us to a pulp if we went outdoors in our petticoats.  the nextdoor neighbor (a divorced woman with a girl) had some people come by (are we done with quarantine now ?) and the girls were playing with water and i was upstairs and looked into their yard and then i noticed that the girls had something like a dildo in their hands, which they fill with water and squirt (?). i was horrified and my brain said no this can’t be true and i observed closely and almost got my binoculars out, when i realized that they were actually toy crayons – large, dildo look alike crayons. i cracked myself up and told myself that i have a dirty mind.

it’s late and i have to prepare the ingredients for tomorrows meals; thinking of making green protein smoothie for brekkie, mixed vegetable omelette for lunch, stuffed tomatoes for dinner and very importantly mixed berry compote for dessert.  it’s going to be a good day !!

week 4 – shelter in place

pink moon

only to the moon will i tell all my secrets. this week’s highlights in some pictures. there was pink super moon and because of the weather,i took this shot of the moon on 8th i think.

some of the excerpts from my kids photos. my kids finally stopped judging me silently for staying home 24 / 7 instead of going to work and toiling to bring home their roast chicken; my kids though eyed me suspiciously, soon realized the benefits of me being home, like they can get food every two minutes.

i have taught my baby girl skittles to play the ipad mouse game and she taught the other kids…. well there isn’t much to the game but you do have to whack the mouse and i taught her that and she immediately learned as she is immensely smart and i swear to god she actually understands human language more than a few words like the other pets. i am also convinced that despite the language barrier, if i send her to school, she will master the program within few months and graduate with honors. i am immensely proud of that kid.

my boy sonu (the black kitty) is the best son a mum could have. zz, the tiny moron, still does the “i want my mum” routine where he regularly forgets that i’m upstairs and cries his heart out, and as he can’t hear on account he is deaf, i have to go and bring him upstairs (and he sleeps like this with one hand on my body);

IMG_1645

one day instead of getting up and run to the head of the stairs to let him know i’m home, i asked sonu, my lovely son, who is resting beside me, to go get him; i went, “sonu love, could you go bring him upstairs” and off sonu went and brought him upstairs which really surprised me to be honest. i thought this may be random thing but then again a couple of days later, mr. forgot-mum-is-home-so-i’ll-cry resumed crying, and i asked sonu again, and off sonu went to bring the boy upstairs. and this time around sonu wasn’t even in the same room and so i had to actually call him loudly. it made me tear up to be honest as sometimes i feel the emptiness of not having a human child (that is till i meet an actual human child and then i don’t regret not having any kids) as i think, my babies make it up thousand fold !

i continued to watch “walter presents” and for once, i found a tv show (icelandic) “the cliff” really worth watching and didn’t giggle at all like i always do. i also watched “the killing of the sacred deer” which made no fucking sense and i may also have thrown up a little in my mouth.  there is a new mystery featuring david tennant, my favorite doctor (doctor who) but it is in goddamn installments and i must wait every week.and oh, i purchased (from amazon) all the miyazaki (studio ghibli) movies as i never get tired of them and i enjoy watching them over and over. as also i enjoy reading adventures of tin tin (and i own the entire set of books) and asterix (again own the entire set), i sometimes wonder if i got stuck in my childhood and of course it doesn’t surprise me a bit on account of lost and traumatic childhood where it’s not so much of parental stress but mostly of society. that story for a non-quarantine times.

this weekend, we enjoyed my sunny, quiet backyard during this time of distance. reflecting on my own mind, which i have silenced with a constant business. as difficult as this all had been, i am looking to stay positive and focusing on healing. reopening my mind and challenging it without expectation.

i have spent such a long time standing in place, only moving forward when propelled and prompted. the past might continue to splinter me here and there, but i’m no longer young and naive to remain still and fractured in my little corner of the world. we wander around often blindly like our eyes still feel the sting from the voices who told us we were too much and yet not enough. our backs hunched and our hands covered with burned loves and still questioning how to stop the tremors. the young years have crippled us, left us mad and doubtful right in the margin between an old memory and a blooming possibility. you’re going to survive all of this, i urged quietly to my wrists, lips pressed against the scars. listen, i used to only know how to dissolve so quietly that no one else can feel it, but i think i’m learning how to compromise less and expand more.

week 3 – shelter in place

we are living in a world of sorrows and a valley of many many tears; tears for us, tears for others; i keep chanting, wake up early; exercise; drink good coffee; stop worrying; less screen time. read books, buy books. have a bowl of honey nut oats !

this week was ok and a bit anxiety stricken when my lungs tightened. here’s a fun fact. i’m never sure if my anxiety makes my lungs tighten giving me asthma or if my asthma, gives way to my anxiety and in a way they both are correct and it is like ouroboros. anyway, one thing i’m sure is when it’s goddamn humid out my lungs tighten and like a cat i always map an escape route, but this covid-19 situation put a spanner in my plans as i would rather not go to a hospital anytime soon, and i’m not sure my panicking brain would like that idea.

i had a mild anxiety attack because i was thinking about the hospitals and emergency rooms and how they must resemble a war zone like this show m.a.s.h which i watched ages ago, and how they must be overflowing with these covid-19 people and when i was young, i also spent a fortnight in an emergency area of a hospital (on account i was involved in an accident when my classmates and i went to north india for an field trip and i was so far away from my family or my hometown; and i get to see all kinds of farm accidents, burnt victims, etc) and i also overthought about how if i can’t subside my asthma i may have to go to the hospital (also because my inhaler is on back order; and also the boy was’t home) – fun times !

it is breaking my heart to read about so many unnecessary deaths and all because humans have this need to eat the flesh of animals ! and to top it off, why the fuck people not care about staying home just a few days to contain this ? on friday evening i was in my back yard with my boy kitties, so they can get fresh air and my neighbors were going on a walk together, together !! as if nothing is the matter and they invited me to go with them ! any other time, it’s fine but now a days a big fucking no ! i don’t want to come in contact with someone who i don’t live with. sorry ! i don’t know about all of you, but i have been doing shopping every two weeks ! i order a lot of things for delivery but majority of stuff i get in every two weeks so as to minimize my coming in contact with anyone (exception to this is i go to get veggies every couple of days but this is very late at night and i get in and out in 15 mins) – the two weeks period is so i can check for any symptoms developing just in case.

everything i buy (delivery & things i pickup) i scrub with paper towels soaked in soapy water. scrub scrub i go, the door handles and refrigerator handles, etc. the same goes to the financial times paper i subscribe. before i go out, i deposit fresh clothes by the door and once i get my stuff inside, i shed my clothes, wash hands, put on fresh clothes and toss the clothes in wash.

i have always been a germophobe and i went through phases where i carried my cell phone in ziplock bags (when i was working with hiv, hbv pathogens) and washed my hands raw with alcohol.

who knew life would be like this just because humans eat animal flesh ! i honestly feel like i am living through the scenes of walking dead (tho no zombies and thank the fuck people didn’t turn into zombies) when i go out late, no one is about except for a few people here and there in my neighborhood. mind you, i’m not complaining.

my pastor and elders check in on their congregation and they have a huge reservation about this boy i’m dating. their reservations are he is young and not a believer. and my reservation is he is not a believer. but whenever i look at him, i feel like peeling the layers of his brain to find out why he likes me as i try and keep people at bay, not giving an ounce of warmth till i actually get close to them and getting anyone close to me takes a few days to a few years ! it’s not like he has an ulterior agenda like he loves me because of money (as he makes more than i make) or because i’d make a trophy wife, though i could have been one but i chose academia over superficiality and to top it off, i’ve been a card carrying feminist since i was 15 and i never aspired to belong to a sorority. a slight tangent, what’s wrong with this country ? why do they strive so much to attract men and become fucking cheerleaders ? i heard that marilyn monroe had an iq of 145 or something but excuse me, any woman who has that high of an iq would never bleach her hair blonde, or bat her eye lashes to woo men and talk with barbie like voice and become a doormat for men who just want to use her. (the boy who is reading next to me is cheering me on and is telling me that he will bleach his hair blond for me and will bat his lashes; and i told him that he can suck my proverbial dick) i have been blessed in that i attract real good blokes who love my mind more than my looks and i can’t be thankful enough. this boy is loving and kind and witty;  one time someone asked me why i always keep my hair up (i don’t like to keep it down as i’ve awful lot of hair and i don’t like to brush and so after i wash my hair i wear it up) and the boy went, winking at her, “her hair comes down during the right times” and we all giggled like school girls ! but i still would like him to be a believer, keeping the sabbath, returning the tithes to god (and a vegetarian).

i have been aggressively buying stocks (i bought a bunch of tech stocks this week) with every penny i am saving and i decided i will continue to invest till end of july and in a couple of years i will be able to reap the cash.

we caved and ordered “contactless delivery” pizzas and gosh what a world we live in. i have reverted to the eating habits of my childhood; eat a complete meal including dessert, and coffee around 9 pm. also watched “nightflyers” on netflix and it was silly but interesting. as i haven’t born or raised in this country, i decided i will watch some old shows and started watching “green acres” (which is oodles of fun), and “alf” and lord, alf is really repetitive and not at all my cup of tea.

and oh, this week’s highlights include me cutting my own hair and trying to coax the boy to wax my lady bits as all this hair is annoying the hell out of me; so far he is not willing as he thinks he will hurt me. stay tuned !

there are beautiful things in the world worth fighting for. this long night we’ve come into, holds both nightmares and dreams; mark this passing as solemn time, to be energized, to adjust ourselves to what we should let go and what we should hold onto; all through this turmoil, let’s hope love will rise; bursting through these weeping tears, hope to shouts of transformation; hope our world will be a different place. a new season is dawning quickly for those who follow the pace and even though we can’t see the beauty of this seed, lo, it holds a brand-new way of life.

week -1 shelter in place (sip)

everything feels really fragile right now. i know that everyone is scared, anxious, unsure about the future. and rightfully so. but if anything, let the current moment serve as a reminder for all of you social beings, of how much humans need each other, of how much they rely on each other, and more importantly what our duty is to each other. if we practice social distancing and maintain good hygiene, we both protect ourselves from catching the virus and also protect others by reducing our chance of carrying it and passing it on. wishing all of you health and happiness in these uncertain times. may we all, even if not literally, be there for each other.

not that much changed in terms of my schedule except that i don’t have to get out of the bed at a god awful time to get dressed and run to work. this is a great change and i welcome it. and oh, of course, i still take a shower, and put on a clean shirt… oh the other advantage is that the break from the bleating of terry at work regarding his dietary habits and other crap. he would complain on and on if there is someone to hear it. there are two people he complains to a lot and unfortunately i’m not deaf and so i can hear every single word & he almost became a white noise; he is a very flaky person with no substance & who puts on airs of someone who is intelligent when clearly he is not and  every fucking day, he would complain on and on about this & that and i would just shut him off by listening to some music and my poor boss, started thinking that she is the reason (as i can hear her as well when she is on calls for her meetings) that i’m putting on headphones.

watched a couple of movies vincent and the end of the world (flemish / french), el hoyo (spanish) watched my sci-fi shows. read & reading books; ordered the new asterix comic books; bought more stocks and now debating if i should buy more of my company’s stock; don’t feel great about my company’s performance tbh; waiting on the temps to get warmer so i can plant stuff in the garden;

my church started airing services online and for the first time since i became a seventh-day adventist, i kept sabbath as god intended. i attended the church services without wasting time to travel to church & enjoyed services because of the technology. when the directive came to not have crowd gatherings of 50 (and then 10), my lover was extremely rejoiced and his happiness was short-lived and now he must attend services if he spends time with me or he must go home.

oh, all my kitties came down with sniffles and as a scientist two things i observed; my kitties all came down with upper respiratory infections and currently being given the medications and wondering if there is any bearing with covid (indirect, like something i brought into home has corona virus strain b or i may have already been exposed to covid but as i expected it just passed through me quickly); as almost all my kids are senior kitties, i have a tendency to leave their wet food around in bowls, & plates around the house whether they eat or not; i feed them in the morning and before i leave for work i put out more food and once i get home, throw out the remaining food, and feed them their evening meal, and put out food for the night. you see, my wee units are very picky with their food like their mama and they take a bite and go away and few mins later they come back and eat more. because of this constant food supply, and the windows of my house are always open, there are many flies buzzing about in general to my disgust as the trash in the bins attract flies; but since this covid saga started, no flies can be seen and am wondering if there is a correlation. scientist me, making notes of my observations !

i’ve been stocking up on my kitties’ medication (for minor fevers & ailments, etc, i diagnose and treat the kitties myself). also, last sunday, one of my cats had a huge asthma episode, and after subsiding her attack with albuterol and starting her on prednisolone, i ran to cvs to buy her the inhaler (as it’s no insurance it was bloody expensive $300). and to get more prednisolone for my wee units, on last friday (day before yesterday) i was driving to my vet, and i thought there would be no one on the streets, or to an extent less people. believe it or not, my neighborhood is somewhat quiet but as i was coming towards philly, i saw huge numbers. and i was a bit shocked to say the least. i went and i got the medications, and my vet and i were talking about groceries. so, as i am a vegetarian i have no problem getting fresh veggies & fruits. i had some difficulty finding half & half for my coffee & i was bleating that i may have to start drinking black coffee and my vet told me go to shop-rite, that they are well stocked. so i dropped by the shop-rite, and what a fucking mistake… it was teeming with people. i turned around and fled as fast as i could.

the stupidity of people is beyond my comprehension. i keep thinking that i have come to grips with the human pettiness and stupidity, and then someone goes and does something even stupider, surprising me. case in point, people are dying by thousands and we are still not even at the peak ! and the disease is spreading exponentially and still people are behaving as if there is nothing going on or as though it’s mild case of flu outbreak; stupid teenagers on spring breaks and the partying on the beaches and what not ! honestly, they should be shot !! i actually was dumbfounded when my colleagues at work behaved as though this won’t touch them ! and then there are a few who keep forwarding me “fake news” just ’cause i was being unfortunate to be included in these group texts; and then there are this other category of people who pile up on toilet paper and i’m like why ? this is not cholera ? and even if you run out, that is not the end of your fucking world as all you need to do is jump into shower ? and i have seen this before when people hoarded stuff at the mention of snow; to be fair as i don’t have human children, i’m not hoarding that much and i also think that me being vegetarian doesn’t help in hoarding. so i go out late every other day, to get some veggies and fruits and i would be the only one who would have two or three items 😊

i have so much stuff i need to do around the house, ugh. it’s been weeks of just kinda… maintenance mode. and now i can’t even get a fucking cleaning help. which i know is okay, considering all that’s going on, but it doesn’t really help stave this restlessness, you know ?  i’m incredibly fortunate, especially since both me and my boy can work from home, so i try to focus on that. it has been nice, all things considered, to finally have more time with my insanely overworked lover. it shouldn’t have taken a crisis for his hours to be more liveable, but we live in a capitalistic landscape.

anyway…

pace yourself people ! we are in this for a very long time and so no need to go through all the things which you need to do. if you haven’t already grasped reality, let me explain to you. we may never have normalcy till they find a way to eradicate this virus. not two weeks, not two months. this virus, if it is anything like it’s zoonotic sister variation, if you are exposed, and lived, it will stay dormant in you and will become active when your immunity is down and then kills you. i’m also predicting that if you got infected, even if you live, your lungs may severely be damaged, with lesions, probably scar tissues, and may even end up in getting cancer. it is very tricky virus and it knows how to survive. this is a single strand rna virus and i’m pretty sure is is mutating from person to person and so the genome of this virus is not the same in any two people. and so, no chance of having a good cure.

so stay the fuck home if you have no business to go out ! if you must, wash your hands every time you touch something.

like elnor says “choose to live” !

(star trek: picard)(goddamn proud to use this reference)(waiting to use it for ever !)